What Creates Nice Guys

All right, and welcome back on this episode. I want to talk about nice guys and what really creates the conditions that nice guys develop in.

And to start with, I want to talk about some concepts I got from Dr. Gabor Mate, who is a healer, teacher, and author. That's really quite incredible. But in short, he talks about two primary needs we come out of the womb with. As human beings, we have a need for secure attachment, and we have a need for authenticity. So what these basically mean are secure attachment means we have a need to be bonded to others in relationship, specifically as babies.

When we come out of the womb, we cannot take care of ourselves. We literally can't survive without others. And so our need to keep those relationships in connection is really strong and really important. And this is really unique about humans. We're very different than other animals in that we come out of the womb totally incapable of taking care of ourselves. And that's really kind of driven by just how big our brains are. We had to be born earlier and earlier because otherwise we just wouldn't fit.

But as a result, we come out really not being able to advocate for ourselves at all as children. So we are reliant on our caregivers for people to take care of us and actually keep us alive. That is so important. We need to be attached to others to survive, then there's another need which is authenticity. And what that really means is authenticity is our ability to express ourselves and share what we need, what we want and what we're feeling.

As human beings, we have a need to be heard, seen, and expressed. Right now, when these two things come into conflict, I believe that's really the primary root space that nice guys get created in. So you can think about it like this. When our need for attachment comes into conflict for our need for authenticity as young kids, as infants, what we'll start to do is we'll disconnect from our authenticity in order to keep the secure attachment alive.

So we'll stop expressing ourselves in order to keep the relationship alive. And this is really what I believe is the crux of nice guy syndrome for so many men. And that's the we over index on the other their needs, their wants, their desires, their need to feel okay at the cost of ourselves. So we will discount what we want, discount what we need, disconnect from it, push it away.

There's so many different strategies nice guys use, but it really comes down to we a priority. But it really comes down to we prioritize other above self. That's what makes us a nice guy. That's what makes us very agreeable and often very likable by others. Doesn't necessarily make us more trustable to others, but it's a way we believe that as long as I keep the other person happy, I'm going to be okay and safe.

Now as kids, as infants in particular, yeah, there's some truth to that. So our nervous system might be doing that to actually survive, but as we become adults, that is no longer sufficient, right? And this chronic tendency to discount what we need, our authenticity really shows up strong. We stop sharing what we want. We stop creating boundaries in our life.

We avoid conflict with others because if we share our truth, it may create conflict. And one thing I've often started to say to nice guys is the truth is we're conflict avoidant in others, but we often have a tremendous amount of conflict within ourselves. And that really comes down to the conflict between our authenticity and our desire for secure attachment. In the strategy we learn over and over and over again is push down or disconnect from my needs in order to center or prioritize the other person's needs.

Now, the work for us as nice guys and men is start to reclaim that, to come into contact with the actual impulses in our nervous system and in our body and being able to express that to others that will actually hear it, resonate with it, and possibly reciprocate, that can be really challenging work for men. We have to feel safe in order to do it. Because if we trace it all the way back, oftentimes we started to give up our authenticity in order to keep that attachment alive because we didn't feel safe, right?

Our feeling was, well, if I cry right now or if I share my truth, I'm going to be punished or I'm going to be possibly cut out of this relationship and then I'll die. And I know that's a strong word, but this is sometimes what it feels like for men who are reclaiming their power in their boundaries, right? When we express ourselves, it feels like, well, I might die because what if I share something that the person I'm with doesn't like? Or what if it threatens that relationship and then I'm left alone and then I'll die.

So what I'M going to do is stuff my feelings, stuff my beliefs, and just constantly co regulate with what the other person needs and move towards them, often in a very unboundaried way. Now the thing about that is when we don't have boundaries as men, we're actually not safe for other people because they don't really trust that we can say no. And thus they can't really trust are a yes.

Because one thing that absolutely happens with nice guys, and we can thank my friend Dr. Glover for kind of honing this really amazing term is oftentimes we're so afraid to ask for what we want, but we kind of have an impulse inside of us that we still try to get that need met just in very indirect ways. So there can be a lot of passive aggression or stubbornness or what he calls covert contracts. I'm going to secretly, I'm going to do this for you, secretly hoping you're going to meet my needs in exchange or in return without me having to ask for it, because that's really vulnerable and you might not like that.

So instead I'm just going to keep doing all this stuff for you and hope that you'll just spontaneously want to return the favor. Thing is that rarely works. And part of the work of nice guys is reclaiming our authenticity, which means we have to get into our bodies to get in touch with at an even deeper level what we're feeling, what we're desiring and what we're wanting in life and then having the strength to express that. That's really where our power lies.

When we talk about reclaiming our power, it's about knowing what we want and being able to share it and move towards it in our lives. But the thing is, we can't even know what we want if we don't feel safe and if we're not in our bodies. So the embodiment work of getting out of our heads, not over ruminating on things, but connecting to the actual physical sensational impulses in our nervous system, which includes our emotions, is the work for nice guys.

And that pathway to coming back to our full selves means we really prioritize our wants and needs just as much as we do others. And it becomes reciprocal. Sometimes I do something for you and sometimes I ask for something in return and there's an actual exchange. That's what makes it a relationship. For a lot of nice guys, it's not actually a relationship because they're just constantly giving away, doing things for others but not receiving.

And that's not really A relationship. And that causes a lot of pain, long term for men and for the people they're in relationship with. So this work of learning to express and own our desires and wants and feelings, that is the primary work for nice guys. Once we've started doing that, it's much easier to set boundaries. It's much easier to create healthy relationships and structures in our lives, to get the things we want in life.

And the thing is, it turns out when we're actually resourced, right when we're getting our needs met, we're actually able to serve other people even more. Because if there's something I've noticed with nice guys, it's the constant output of energy ends up draining them. It becomes exhausting to constantly be supporting other people, but all the while they're often withering and dying inside, overwhelmed, exhausted, angry, depressed, whatever that might be.

So to do this work requires getting into places where it's safe for you to come into deeper contact with what's true in your nervous system and in your body, to bring those impulses, to bring that authenticity back online, and then to get practice actually naming it. And this is why I'm such a fan of men's groups, because that is one of the most powerful containers I found.

To safely create the conditions where nice guys can feel what they need and actually come into contact with that energy in their body and practice expressing it, practice bringing it through their expression, their communication in a safe way. Then what that does is it creates an embodied reference point that we can kind of point back to when we're in the real world, in those challenging relationships and conversations.

Ah, this is what it felt like in my body. And this is the type of words I got through. I can do that because I've done it before, right? I scrimmaged in the men's group so I could show up for the big game in my life and in my relationships. If you're a nice guy and you want to practice honing, expressing and growing your authenticity, definitely check out my Heart of Shadow men's group, which we do a couple times a year. You can learn [email protected] until next time.

If you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to Evolutionary Men. Apply.