Integrity, Congruence, and Nice Guys

All right, and welcome back. So on this episode, I want to talk about integrity, congruence, and nice guys.

So let's start with integrity. It's a pretty potent word that gets thrown around a lot, particularly in the world of men's work. And integrity. Most of us know by the definition of do what you say you'll do, say what you'll do, and do what you'll say. And when those two things are in alignment, somebody is in integrity, so to speak. So a man who lives in integrity is a man who doesn't say yes to something or give his word unless he's actually going to follow through on it.

And by repeatedly following through on his commitments, he's a man of integrity and the impact that often has on people around that man or that they trust him. Right. I trust that when I give him this task, when he makes a commitment to me, he's going to follow through on that. And that's really important in a powerful capacity we want to develop as men. But there's a trick to that, particularly when it comes to nice guys.

So integrity, in one sense, we could just think of it as happening on the outside. So there's what I tell you. And then my capacity and my willingness to follow through on that commitment, where that causes problems, is, in a way, it's totally possible to be in. To be in integrity with others, but out of integrity with ourselves. What do I mean by that?

Well, I work a lot with nice guys. Right. This term that applies to a lot of men, as popularized by my friend and mentor, Dr. Robert Glover. And for nice guys, as I've talked about, oftentimes how they go about life is by prioritizing other over self. And this shows up so that I might make a commitment to you and follow through on it, which would technically mean I'm in integrity with you.

But here's the key. I might not be in integrity with myself, so I might be acting out of alignment with myself, out of integrity with myself, meaning I said I would never do that again for someone, or I had committed to myself that I would act differently next time. And yet I still did what I told you I would do. So I found myself making a commitment and following through with it. So that's Technically in integrity with you, but I actually betrayed myself, in a sense, in the process.

And this is really key. And it's a very easy thing for nice guys in particular to fall into so they can be men of high integrity. They don't make commitments that they won't follow through on, but that's coming at a cost because what they're actually doing is abandoning and betraying themselves over and over and over again. So beyond integrity, I want to talk about this idea of.

Of congruence, which I think is even more powerful. Congruence is not only what happens on the outside, right? So when I tell you I'll do something, you can trust that I'm going to do it. But congruence also involves what's happening on the inside. So on my side of the court, congruence means my outward behaviors and my inward inner world, they match.

They're synced up. One is not deprioritizing the other, so to speak. So congruence means the actions I'm taking in the world actually line up with the values I have inside myself in the commitments of I've made inside myself. So a congruent man is even more trustable than a man of integrity because ultimately he's including his commitment to himself, and he's not going to say yes to something that's actually a betrayal of something he wants inside.

So it's really easy, actually, for nice guys to live in integrity. It's often much harder for nice guys to live totally congruent in that they'll often betray themselves in order to prioritize and keep the connection alive with someone else. Oh, yeah, I said I'd pick you up from the airport, and I'm going to do that. The problem is I never actually wanted to do that in the beginning.

And in fact, to pick you up from the airport, I had to cancel X, Y and Z from my calendar, which was really important to me. And I said I wouldn't do that, but I did it. So though I followed through on my commitment to you, I actually betrayed myself in the process. And this is really key, because what it does over time is it means nice guys lose trust in themselves because they keep breaking their own commitments over and over and over again.

And a man who doesn't trust himself ultimately is a man that other people have a very hard time trusting at the deepest level. Doesn't mean we're not reliable, doesn't mean it doesn't mean people don't know that we can follow through on our commitments. But energetically internally, intuitively, often there's a sense, ooh, I don't fully trust him. Or when it becomes apparent that we actually overruled our own inner compass, so to speak, and betrayed ourselves in order to do something for someone else, that often actually causes some mistrust, wow, can I really trust him?

He's not taking care of himself. When we start to stand up for ourselves and get clear about our values, our needs and what we want and our commitments to ourselves, there's actually a risk there in our relationships that a lot of nice guys are afraid of. It can create confrontation, it can create tension and our capacity to hold that and know that, hey, even in confrontation, even in tension, I can stay in connection with this person, I can stay in relationship with this person is a huge part of the practice and growth of a nice guy.

One key thing I've seen for a lot of men is they've never taken the time to make explicit their own inner values or needs or wants. So it's very easy for them to kind of keep betraying them over and over and over again. And if they keep not following through on their own inner commitments, oftentimes the easiest thing to do is to change their belief structure around. Well, that must be because I'm a piece of shit.

It's a lot of nice guys do, right? We, we turn that inward and beat ourselves up. What we're talking about here, cultivating congruence means doing the hard work to honor ourselves as much as we honor others. This is specifically for nice guys. And what I've found is that's much easier to do when we've gotten ourselves into safe spaces where we can slow down, down and actually connect to our bodies, to our feelings, and get very clear about what we're wanting and what we're needing in life.

And then from there it's much easier to make commitments to ourselves that we can then defend, so to speak, out in the world. And when we're living in alignment with ourselves and we're true to our word on the outside, we start to come across as congruent. Wow, that man feels lined up. His inner world and his outer world are matching, right?

One is not taking advantage of the other, as is often the case of the nice guy. The outer stuff for others overrules our inner stuff, our own needs and wants and desires. So it's a nuanced thing here that nice guys can live with a lot of integrity and be in integrity with others, but all the while be out of integrity with themselves and not Be congruent.

Congruent is ultimately the place I think we want to aim for as men because it's the most relaxed place for us to ultimately be and for others to be. Because the more we live in congruence, the more people actually start to trust our yes for a lot of nice guys. Like I said, we'll say yes to things and we'll follow through and do them right.

We will be in integrity with our word. But we might be secretly resentful that we're not getting something back or that we had to give up our morning to do this. And that impacts the relationships around us and often creates, in its own right, a kind of tension. I could feel you're not really wanting to be here. Why did you say yes to this? Now I feel guilty for asking you. That's the kind of experience a lot of people have around nice guys. But when we're living congruently and we say, hey, no, actually, I'm not available for that.

Here's what I need. That might cause a little bit of tension in the moment, but ultimately with our most valuable relationships, that's going to create a deeper trust over time. Because what it means is that people can start to trust our yes because they understand we can hold our own with a no. That we're honoring ourselves in the process of being men of integrity. And this is so key on one more level.

I just want to touch in here. So a lot of work I do with men is around the energetics of masculine and feminine energy, of which we all have both. And you can call them whatever you want. I've said this many times on the podcast, and we all have them in different ways and hold them in different frames. But what's important for the masculine is the masculine part of anyone or anything is the part that never changes. It's the unchanging part, as you can get a sense that's deeply tied to congruency and integrity, in a sense, because it means, oh, it's the same.

Right. How he acts in this situation is the same as how he acts in this situation. He has a internal compass that, yes, is open and re responsive to the world, but he has a sense as a man of his truth, of his knowing, of his wants. And when he says he'll do something, guess what? That's something he'll do. That won't change over time, and neither will his behavior change just based on who he's around.

Right. He'll be congruent with himself in all situations, meaning his inner truth. Will be visible on the outside. They won't be in conflict or separate or different. Congruence is a lifelong practice. And it's hard oftentimes because like I said, we have to get to know ourselves first as men. We have to go inside, get clear about our wounding, our wants, our desires, our sense of direction in life.

As we get clear about that, it gets much easier to navigate forward and start to live a life of congruence. Right. I might be saying that, yeah, I want to get in shape and take care of myself. And so I start to take behaviors and actions around that in my life. But all the while, maybe I'm staying at work too long, and then I get home tired and fatigued, and then I eat a big meal before bed, whatever that might be.

I'm in integrity with my work, but I'm not congruent with myself, with my goal, with my capacity to take care of my needs. So we might need to shift that. And. And that's where a men's group and men's work can be really powerful for others to reflect to us what they're seeing, to help us get clear about the action we need to take in our life so our inner world, in our outer world become even more in sync, even more congruent.

And the great news about becoming congruent is people can feel it. Because then there's less tension in our bodies and less tension, spaciousness, freedom, relaxation, that is all associated with our inner masculine, and it creates trust and ease in ourselves, in those around us. So I'm curious, where are you in integrity in life?

Where are you out of integrity? Where are you congruent in your life, and where are you out of congruency in your life? Do a little chart, get clear about these things, and then figure out what's the action you would need to take to bring more congruency so that your inner world, your commitments to yourself are reflected in the actions and commitments you're taking on the outside.

Let me know what you find out. Jasonvolutionary Men, until next time, if you're interested in working with me around dating, relationships, or your masculine presence in the world, just go to evolutionary men. Apply.