Why Would She WANT to Have Sex With You?

All right, and welcome back. So today we're talking about sex. And I want to start with the question in the title of this episode, because that question is the whole episode. Why would she want to have sex with you? And I don't mean that as a shot. Right. I mean it as an actual honest question. Because most of us men have never once asked it. We often ask the opposite question. Why won't she? Right? Or what happened to her sex drive? Is there something wrong with her, with me, with the marriage? I was actually on a call recently with clients in my Pillars program, and I put it to one of them this way. How would you have to be in your body so that she would want to have sex with you, so she would want you? And there was this long pause because he'd never asked himself that. Most men have never asked it what would actually make her want you? And underneath the pause, a lot of times there's a quiet little, well, you know, she should. She should want me. I'm her husband. I'm her boyfriend. I'm a good guy. I provide. I'm loyal. She should. We all want sex, right? But that word, should is where desire goes to die. That's entitlement, brothers. And I know when you hear that word, you picture some guy pounding on the table, demanding it. The version I'm talking about here is quieter than that. It waits for her desire to show up on its own the way yours does, and it slowly goes bitter when that never happens. So I'm handing the question back to you today. Not why won't she? But instead, why would she? And by the end of this episode, you're going to have a real answer, because there is one. Now, I also want to start here because I want to take shame off the table right away. If you've been waiting for your partner to want sex the way you want sex and been quietly concluding that something's broken because she doesn't, you're not a bad man. You were just handed the wrong map, right? Nobody sat us down and often taught us how feminine desire actually works. We often learn from porn, from locker rooms, from Hollywood movies. And every one of those sources taught us that desire in women looks like ours. It shows up on its own. It shows up first, and then sex happens. And so we assume her system runs the same way as ours. We wait for her to arrive already wanting. And when she doesn't, we've only got two stories available. She's not into me anymore, or her sex drive is broken. But both stories are wrong. Right, Both of them. Here's what's actually going on. There's a researcher named Rosemary Basson who mapped this out, and it changed how. I coach men on this. For a lot of us guys, much of the time, the wanting, the desire comes first. We feel desire, and then we move towards sex. Desire leads, but for many women, much of the time it runs in the other order. Connection comes first. Safety, feeling met, feeling that you are actually there with her. And then inside of that, arousal starts to build, and the wanting shows up after she's already in the connection. Desire trails. So sit with that for a second because it rearranges everything. She can be completely neutral at the start of your connection, not thinking about sex at all. And then 20 minutes into real connection, her body is alive and she desires you. And neither of those states she was in are the fake ones. That's just her sequence. You've maybe heard this called spontaneous versus responsive desire. Emily Nagasaki wrote a great book that that made that language popular. And I want to build on it a little because I think there are two questions underneath that language that actually do more work for us. One, when does the wanting arrive before the connection or through it? And two, what is the wanting actually seeking? Hold that second question, because we're coming back to it in a big way at the end. But here's what changes the moment this lands. If her wanting arrives through connection and you're standing there waiting for it to arrive before connection, you will wait forever. And then you'll conclude she's gone cold. And she'll conclude something's wrong with her because the culture told her her desire is supposed to look like yours too. Two people both feeling defective and nobody's defective. Wrong map. That's it. Wrong map. Now, quick honesty check before we go on, because I'm not here to trade one oversimplification for another. This is for most women much of the time. Some days still, she wants you out of nowhere, no Runway needed. Some women run hotter than their men, and our culture has no script for that at all. So it gets pathologized on both ends. And some of you men listening are the ones whose desire needs warm up. These sequences aren't laws about bodies, but the pattern I'm describing is the single most common mismatch I see in the men I work with time and time again. So let's work with it. Okay, so if connection is the on ramp, the next question is what actually creates connection for her? And this is where I want to go. One layer deep, deeper than the usual advice, because connect with your wife is true and also useless as a sentence. So here's an image to hold for the rest of this episode. Your desire is the knock. Her heart and her body. That's the door. And she chooses whether to open it based on what she can feel is on the other side. The feminine moves by opening and closing, right? Myself and others have been teaching that for years. So the question we started with, why would she want you? Really comes down to this. When you knock, what's on the other side of that door for her, because here's the layer underneath. Her nervous system has to be able to relax into your nervous system. Let me say that again, because this is the center of the whole episode. Her nervous system opens into yours. When a woman starts to open, heart first, then often body, her system is asking one question underneath all the other questions. Is there a safe space here for me to let go? Can I stop tracking, stop managing everything and trust that this man has me in this moment? And if your nervous system is a clenched fist, the answer is no. Doesn't matter what your words are. If you come home wound up ruminating, stressed about money, half in your phone, running tension through your jaw, through your chest, she feels it. The feminine will feel your tension. When she feels tension in you, what's she going to feel? Tension. Good sex, hot connection. They happen in relaxed openness. There's no space for her to relax into because you're taking up all the room in the field with your own unprocessed stress. So let's go back to the door. If what's waiting on the other side is a wall of tension and a man with no presence to offer, why would she open it? She's not broken for keeping that door closed. Honestly, that door is working exactly right. So I often talk about this one, right? Think about a motorcycle, right? Guy driving, woman on the back. Her eyes are closed and she has surrendered to the ride. That only works if he is actually holding the road. If he's amped up and checked out, she's gripped. She's watching the road for him. And she's holding the moment because he isn't. And here's the piece almost no man has been taught. Think about what her day looked like. She's been in meetings, deadlines, performance reviews, managing children, the household, logistics, birthday cards, being competent and directional. And on our whole culture runs on masculine energy, output, achievement, push, go. She's been swimming in that all day, same as you. So when evening comes, she's not sitting there in some pool of feminine openness waiting for you to show up. She has a transition to make. She has to come down out of that mode, back into her body, back into her heart. And that's a real crossing. And it takes time and it takes conditions. You can be the man who helps her make that crossing or you can be one more thing she has to manage. Those are the options. So what does helping the crossing actually look like? A few things. And none of them are that advanced. First one, and it's the least sexy thing I'll say today, tend your own nervous system. This is what I mean when I say guys don't take care of themselves. If the only tool you have for regulating your stress is her body, that is a problem. And I've heard women say it almost exactly this way. Right. I don't want to be a receptacle for your bodily tension. That's a direct quote. So what's your practice? Where does your charge go? The gym? The breath? Your men's group? Cold water. Sitting with what you're actually feeling instead of carrying it home like a loaded spring. Sometimes for me, the thing I have to do to be present with my wife is actually to put myself to bed early the night before so my body is restored and resourced. That's it. That's one of the most glamorous secrets there is. A man whose nervous system has space in it is a man a woman can open toward. Second, understand her timeline. I said this for years. Male sexuality tends to be like a blowtorch, on, off, instant, ready to go binary. For a lot of women, it's more like a crock pot. It wants to be warmed up and cooking for a long time. And the longer it's been simmering, the better everything goes. So widen your window on what foreplay even is. Foreplay is Tuesday. Foreplay is the way you greeted her this morning. Every woman has a warm up sequence, pathways into her heart and into her body. And part of your work as her man is to actually learn it. And I know the objection because it lives in me too. Can I just hit the button? Takes two minutes for me. No, you can't because she's not you. Third, feed the meter. This is the discipline of small deposits. Presence in the little moments. Attention, curiosity, connection, play, appreciation, and particularly touch that isn't asking for anything. One of my things. I'll grab my wife one of those little sodas she loves when I'm out and about. Pick a flavor, bring it home and surprise her when she's working it takes me almost nothing and days later she'll tell me it's still with her. She feels noticed, desired, cared for, and it opens her. These little things add up when I keep the meter fed. Connection, that fire warm when she's full like that. The move from daily life into intimacy is a much smaller step because she's already most of the way there. And when I've been checked out in my stress for two weeks and the weekend comes and I suddenly want her, well, that's a big hill to climb. And I'll tell you honestly, I teach this stuff and I still fall into that one. This is a discipline you come back to every single day of every single week. And fourth, open her heart before you reach for her body. If you do all those other things, it makes it a lot easier. Once her heart is open, her body can open, often in that order, particularly for the feminine. Ask her the question underneath her day, then actually stay and listen for the answer. Let her empty out everything she's been carrying without trying to you trying to fix any of it. Expression opens people, right? When she's expressing, something that was stuck inside is moving out. And as it moves, she often softens. Hold her belly to belly, take a deep breath together and feel what happens in her body. Softening and opening are deeply correlated. And if there's something unfelt sitting between you, a resentment, a hurt that never got repaired, deal with that first because it's sitting directly in the road. My wife, Violet, she has a line. I love. Lust comes after trust. If her system doesn't trust you with her feelings, with the friction between you, with the load she's carrying, her body is going to have a much harder time opening. That's just how it works. You do these things and lo and behold, often desire shows up. Hers arriving the way hers arrives through the connection. But not every time, right? She's a human being with her own weather, with her own seasons. But what we're talking about here is the ground that this all grows in. Now here's where I have to get in your face some with love. Because there's a trap sitting right on the other side of everything I just taught you. And most men walk straight into it. The man who's with me so far is thinking. Got it. Connect with her, warm the crock pot, feed the meter, then I'll get laid. And the moment you run it that way, the whole thing dies in your hands. Because now the connection is a lever. It's a strategy with an invoice attached. This is what my mentor, Dr. Robert Glover, calls a covert contract. I do these things and she owes me sex. Nobody signed the contract. She never even saw it. But you're keeping score. And here's the part to really let land. She can feel it. Maybe not in words, maybe not right away, but her body registers the agenda inside your attention. The presence that would have opened her with a hook hidden in it becomes one more thing for her to brace against. Connection stops working the instant it becomes instrumental. There's no way to fake your way around this. It's an actual place. You have to get to this presence without an agenda. And her nervous system knows the difference between the real thing and the technique. So how do you find your way out of that trap? You get honest about what your desire is actually seeking. This is the second question right from the top of the episode. There are two very different engines that can be running when you reach for your woman. And they can look identical from the outside. One is tension release, pressure built up in your body, Stress charged, and you want to discharge it. Get it off. That's literally the phrase we use, right? Get off. Get the tension off me. And notice for that engine, the target is basically interchangeable. Horn works, your own hand works. Her body works. It's release seeking. And she happens to be nearby. The other engine is Eros. It's moving toward her. You want this woman by name. In her specificity, nobody or nothing else would do. The wanting is a reach toward union with a particular person. And the sex is the two of you meeting all the way in. Now, neither engine is shameful or better or worse. Hear me on that. You're a man with a body. Tension builds. That's not a character flaw. There are even times when pure, hungry drive is exactly what she wants from you. When being wanted that urgently lands as hot. In affirming the injury is the counterfeit. The injury is reaching for her from the release engine while your mouth says, I want you. She can feel it right through the door. Which engine is doing the knocking? Her body registers the mismatch before her mind has words for it. Some part of her knows in that moment that she's doing a job your hand could do. And the reason that wound goes so deep in long relationships is that is that it's deniable. She can't point to it, right? You'd swear it isn't happening yet. It corrodes everything. Anyway, brothers, I've been there. I've told my guys about this. There were stretches earlier in my relationship where I'd Be head down in work all day. Barely a word between my wife and I. No attention, no touch. And then nine o' clock rolls around and suddenly I'm interested. Basically, I've been working all day and can we fuck now? And she's looking at me like, what? Where have you been? Who the fuck are you? And she was right. I hadn't been reaching for her all day. And when I finally reached, it was the release engine doing the re Doing the reaching. She just happened to be the closest place for me to put it. That denial. I earned that denial. It took me a long time to see it that way. And seeing it that way changed everything. One of my teachers, John, right, gave me a frame for the other side of this that I've never forgotten. I often share desire without need. When your woman can feel your full desire for her and none of your need riding underneath it, I. E. You're being free of. I need this to feel okay about myself or I need this to discharge my nervous system. That free state, that's one of the most powerful and safest things the masculine can offer your desire clean, no agenda or expectation. And that circles all the way back to tending your own system. Right? Because the man who has nowhere else to put his tension will always end up needing sex instead of wanting her. And from a polarity stance, if we need it, we're not free. And she can feel that too. So here's the practice and it's one question. When you reach for her, which engine is running and does she know? That's it? Ask it every time. If the honest answer is release, that doesn't make you bad. But be honest with yourself first and then maybe even with her. You might be surprised what becomes possible between two people who stop lying and counterfeiting this with each other in honest I'm wound up and I want you is workable. It's the release reach dressed up as romance that actually poisons the well. So let's come back to the question. Why would she want to have sex with you? Your desire is the knock. Her heart and body are the door. And she and all of that opens for what's on the other side. So here's the answer. She wants to open when the other side of that door is a man she can finally put everything down with. When your nervous system has room in it for hers, when the meter's been fed all week with no invoice attached, when the knock is for her by name, she knows it. That man has stopped waiting. He's creating the conditions. Her desire grows in, and then it comes looking for him. So this week, three things Tend your own nervous system and notice what you're carrying around. Learn her warm up sequence. Like it matters, because it does. And every time you reach for her, ask yourself, which engine is running and does she know? And I'll say this before we close. What I gave you today is the first half of a bigger map. She has more engines running in her than the one I described, including a few that will surprise you. And there's a whole teaching on what it's like to be on the receiving end of your engines. I'm writing that up in full, and we may even go deeper in a future episode. But today was your half of the course, because that's the half you can do something about this week. So again, not why won't she? Instead, why would she? Now you know how to answer it. If you're interested in working with me around dating, relationships, polarity, or your masculine presence in the world, just go to Evolutionary Men Apply and we'll get on the phone and talk. All right? Until next time.