The Myth of the Lone Wolf

All right, and welcome back. On today's episode, I want to talk about a pretty common myth, and that's about the idea of the lone wolf.

I see this one a lot in talking with guys, with comments I get from guys, and I think it's a particularly strong one here in the United States. But it's this idea that the ultimate form of being a man is standing alone, is being a lone wolf, is the guy who's separate from the pack, the rugged cowboy or individual who's doing everything by himself.

And I'm here to burst that bubble. That is not the ultimate expression of manhood or masculinity. In fact, that's often just a means of protection. A man who isolates, much like a wolf, oftentimes is one who is not reaching his full potential. Usually when a wolf is pushed out of the pack, it's death for that wolf.

Wolves hunt as a pack, and they need each other. And that lone wolf will never be as effective as the entire pack. And this is this one. You know, it cracks me up. I do think a lot of times guys are just answering or pushing back on this from a sense of bravado. Well, I don't need anybody. It's kind of that stoic I talked about a few weeks ago. But the truth is, you will never reach your potential unless you have a pack, the masculine.

So something we're going to be talking about a lot on this podcast, on and off, is an actual energy, right? It's one of the primal energies of the universe, and it's what a lot of guys listening to podcasts like this are wanting to learn to cultivate more of. Now, this is not cultural expectations of what a man is. This is the actual energy of creation that we get to embody no matter who we're born as we all have access to masculine and feminine energy.

We'll talk more deeply about these in coming weeks. But the masculine part of us, of anyone, but particularly us men, grows through challenge, feedback, and accountability. We need to be made uncomfortable by playing our edge to grow when we're coming from our masculine.

And so the lone wolf doesn't get that you can't train as hard, you can't be called out. More importantly, you can't be Called forth. One of the most powerful things I have seen in my own life in leading and having been in and participated in immense groups for many years now, is the power of being called forth.

Meaning other guys who know us and who see us demand a standard of being from us. They know what we're capable of, and they call us into it. They challenge us, they push back at us so we don't just fall asleep in the trance of comfort. They demand we bring our full, best self to everything we're doing in life.

Our relationships, our career, our family, our purpose. And that's really hard to do alone as a lone wolf, because oftentimes, as I've talked about before, we can't see our own shadows, we can't see our own limitations, we can't see where we're not quite hitting the mark or what might be getting in the way. You know, this is why we have coaches in physical training and sports.

Someone can actually witness what we're doing and reflect it back to us and let us know, hey, when you take that shot, your left shoulder drops. Did you know that? And then they can help us fix that. They can challenge us to do it differently, to reach our full potential. We need challenge as the masculine to grow. Feedback is the mechanism we grow by.

Learning to receive feedback from, from men we trust is one of the most powerful things we can do as modern men. Feedback is different than criticism. It's different than shaming. It's different than tearing down. It's, hey, I know what you're capable of, and you're not hitting it. You're not getting there right now. You're not showing up. How can we do this differently? What do you need? Here's what I see.

It's actually collaborative, and it's so much more powerful than trying to do everything all alone by yourself. Because here's the other thing about the pack, the group. They get to know us over time, and we tell them the things we want to be moving towards. Here's what I'd like to happen in my life. And when we tell other people what we want to be moving towards, they can hold us accountable, they can check in with us.

Otherwise, it's easy to just float on through life, create a nice little insulated bubble, think we've got it all sorted out. When oftentimes we're missing something or we're not really fully bringing it. You know, one of the reasons it's so effective to physically train with a partner is it's easier to train harder, right?

If you're working out alone, or if you're just scrimmaging in a sport alone, it's gonna be really hard to push yourself. But there is a healthy calling forth that happens when we're practicing with someone else. When we're in connection community, it's easier to push ourselves harder because someone else is watching. Seen that time and time again in my own training, I'm being held accountable, and I want to go farther than I could go farther alone.

And I have someone showing up and calling me there in every session or every men's group or every workout. Now, does that mean you can't work out alone? No. But are you going to have to work much harder to push yourself? Yes. This is also where it becomes so important to have access to and surround yourself with men who are deeper than you are.

This ties back to the idea of masculinity being a transmission that if you want to become a deeper man, start hanging out with men who are deeper than you for the same reasons that if you want to become a better tennis player, you can't just play people who you're already better than in tennis. You have to play players that are actually better than you and push you and challenge you and cause you to grow and call you forth.

There is nothing heroic in this day and age about being a lone wolf. There's an idea of it woven in to kind of the romance of America. But the truth is everybody relies on somebody conscious. Men are aware of that and become selective about who they choose to be in that circle. And they choose people that push them, that hold them accountable, that challenge them to go further than they've gone, to go deeper than they've gone, and to show up more fully than they've ever shown up before.

If you want to make an impact in the world, if you want to transform yourself, you have to be in a group or in a community that's holding you accountable, that pushes back on you, that gives you constructive feedback. Hey, sounds like you've been kind of tuning out in your relationship. What's really going on? What do you want? What are you gonna do about it? Is that fair to your kids?

Is that fair to your wife? Is that fair to you? And then be with you on the other side of that as you explore. What does that mean and how do I get there? The pack is stronger than the individual. I laugh every time I get pushed back. Real men stand alone. A real man doesn't need anyone else. These are comments I get on media I create. And the first thing that always comes up to me now is, okay, tell that to the Navy seals.

Tell that to the most elitely trained high performance individuals in so many ways that exist on the planet. Where does their power come from? You can read about the stories of how they train, of how cohesive their group becomes, of how fluid their leadership becomes. Their power comes from the pack. The collective awareness is always more effective than just the individual.

And they can push each other and they can trust each other. The thing about the lone wolf, oftentimes they just don't trust. They've been hurt in the past, they've been let down in the past, and so they've had to internalize this story of I have to do it all alone, I can't trust anybody. And then we create this narrative around that. Well, that makes me better than anyone else because not relying on people is manly.

Again, I'm here to call bullshit on that. You want to be a powerful man, you want to be an effective man, don't do it alone. Get synced up. Find your pack, find your tribe, find your group. Find the people who are living deeper than you, who are showing up more impactfully than you, who are more sensitive than you, and get into relationship with them.

Tell them, this is where I'm hitting the mark in life and this is where I'm off. Can you guys help me? Help guide me, help hold me accountable, help push me. We all need that. It's woven into us. As men. We're used to going away from our families, from our community, from. From our home, and learning who we are in the company of other men.

It's a generalization, but you can feel the energy of the hunt, this idea. We're going to go out, we're going to push our edges. We're going to rely on each other to provide sustenance for ourselves, our village, our family. And if I make a mistake on that hunt, you're going to give me feedback so next time I can do it better. Hey, here's what didn't work. Have you thought about trying this next time? Sounds simple, but it's so powerful and it's what so many of us guys have been missing.

The whole breakdown of that masculine transmission means a lot of times many of us go through life without any men we trust to give us feedback and call us forth. So we have to figure it out all alone. Here's the deal. I've been there. It's not as effective. I'm a more powerful man, a more powerful husband, a more powerful leader. Because other Men challenge me, guide me, support me.

I couldn't do that as a lone wolf. My network alone now becomes a source of power in its own right. When I need help, when I gotta put out the bat signal, I know what men are gonna show up. I know what men I can turn to. I know what men I can collapse around and be held. I know what men can call me on my bullshit and do.

And here's the thing, having that network makes me a more trustable man. If you're wanting to date or create a relationship with a woman or improve your relationship, that already exists. The quality of men you surround yourself with is going to completely impact that. In fact, I've heard it time and time again from the women my wife works with and women in my community. It's one of the first notice when they meet a man, what type of men does he have around him?

Type of community does he have? What do they do? What kind of things do they focus on? What is the quality of masculine he is held by? Can I trust his men? Because if I can trust his men, I can often trust him. If you're a lone wolf and a woman comes in, she's going to be like, well, what happens if something goes wrong and he needs someone?

Does that all fall on me? Who's going to call him on his bullshit? Who's going to call him out with love? It's one of the many, many powerful things about having this cohort, having this connection to other men. So that's the short of it, the myth of the lone wolf. The lone wolf is rarely as powerful, rarely as effective, and rarely lives as long as the wolf that lives in a pack does.

So for those of you guys that are still attached to this idea of I gotta do it alone, because that's more manly, it's time to get over yourselves and step up and step in and get connected. You will become a better person, you will serve the world more, you will love more deeply, and you will grow far more when you're in community with other men that are at least as deep as you, if not deeper than you, that can challenge you, call you forth and hold you accountable, and love and support you when you need it.

An effective masculine leader in this day and age is part of a collective of other men. Every powerful, embodied, sensitive, impactful masculine leader I know is doing that. And the ones that don't are often the guys that end up getting in a lot of trouble or not living very long. So if you're ready to get involved, find your pack find your tribe. Definitely.

Check out my drop in men's groups at Evolutionary Men events. And if you want to go super deep in my high end coaching men's group collective that focuses on purpose, dating, relationships, masculine and feminine energy, check out evolutionary.net well enough until next time.