Can Sex Keep Getting Better in Long-term Relationship?

Jason Lange: All right, and welcome back.

Violet Lange: Hello, everyone.

Jason Lange: This is Violet Lang and Jason coming at you from our respective podcasts and excited today to talk about sex.

Violet Lange: Woohoo. Ouch.

Jason Lange: And this idea of is your sex getting better year in and year out in your relationship?

Violet Lange: Which I think is an edgy topic because a lot of us maybe have been brainwashed or conditioned to think that the sex just gets worse over time. I mean, I know that I was in a sexless marriage for five years, and we did have sex, like, the first year of dating, and then it just pretty much after the wedding, like, stopped. I mean, I could probably count on one hand how many times after that. And I think for various reasons, you know, our society shame sexuality, but yet expects men to want it all the time. There's just a lot of factors why we put up with not getting the sex we want or deserve in a relationship.

Jason Lange: And so today we just want to talk a little bit about our story and, you know, what we've kind of both intentionally and accidentally stumbled across as, you know, what keeps it thriving for us and something we're still excited about. Eight years into knowing each other here.

Violet Lange: Yeah, almost nine. I can't tell you how many times. You know, it's at least a few times a year over these almost nine years together that we both will say after having sex, like, wow, that was like, the best sex we've ever had. So when we say, like, can it get better? Yes, there. There is a trajectory in our relationship of it getting better and better. So we're a testament to that. And there's been times where we haven't had as much sex or the sex wasn't as deep as it could have been, or, you know, it doesn't mean that our sex life is perfect.

Jason Lange: Yeah, I think it's something we've probably discovered that I think is true for a lot of thriving couples that we know is good. Sex can be somewhat seasonal in the sense there may be times where it's feeling really rich and connected and novel, and there may be other times that it's just a little bit more in a static place, and that's actually not a problem, but it's the cycle we can go through and keep coming back to in more novel and Connected ways.

Violet Lange: Yes. So let's describe our sex now versus before I'll start, I would describe our sex now as more nuanced and authentic and a little more expansive or a lot more expansive. For me, when we first met, I wouldn't say we were having trauma bonding sex, but I definitely was still healing, you know, healing from some of my sexual abuse, healing in terms of being comfortable being vulnerable with a partner in general, but also during sex. So for the first, I'd say 18 months to two years, you're definitely having a lot of sex. And a fair amount of that, you know, I would cry or I would have anger come up and have to kind of like, pound my hands on the mattress. It wasn't necessarily directed towards Jason, although maybe sometimes it was. But most of the time, it was just my nervous system had some work to do during sex to get to a place of feeling even more open and safe and connected. Again, had nothing to do with what Jason was bringing. It was more just I was in my.

Jason Lange: And I'd say for me, I think I'm kind of coming around the bend, so to speak, of something actually happened in a couple of my relationships that definitely played out in our relationship of I would actually be much stronger initiating sex early on in a relationship and kind of making it happen and bringing some vitality there. And then, you know, I don't know, a year in or so, I would kind of lose my capacity there and have a much harder time initiating, even though I often wanted it. And that was definitely a road bump, speed bump. We hit, you know, pretty much as soon as we got married. And, you know, there's been seasons since then. But for me, one of the things that's different now is I feel much more comfortable just coming forward with what I want. And I think there's maybe more of a. What's the word? Like, kind of just a playful curiosity that I feel like we've. We're landing at now where it's. Yeah, it's just more. It's more fun in the sense of, oh, yeah, where else can this go? You know? What.

Violet Lange: What?

Jason Lange: Not in a. Not from like a not getting needs met place, but just like a more adventuring. Like, hey, we're out in this beautiful place and let's keep exploring.

Violet Lange: Yeah. I think there's been times where we haven't had the same libido, or maybe we have, but we haven't been able to express it to each other. There's been times this was a little more earlier on in our relationship. Where I felt a lot of anxiety about saying no. Like, if he wanted it, then, gosh, maybe my truth is that I'm tired or my body just doesn't feel open right now, or I have a busy day and it's in the morning time, and I just don't feel like I can, you know, fully surrender without staying in my head. And so we did have to work through. I think a lot of couples have to work through. Like, is it okay for me to say no, or either of us to say no? And then how does the other person respond to that? You know, for me, it would bring up anxiety and fear. I would feel like I was letting him down, or I would be afraid. Afraid of his reaction. And again, not necessarily because of him, but because of expectations I place on myself to, like, always be available and, you know, always be sexy and ready. And I had had partners in the past where I said no, and they said, what's wrong with you? You don't even like sex. And I didn't know at the time that the main reason I was saying no is because I had this freeze response in my body, and any sort of touch or sexual energy felt overwhelming. But maybe if you're listening, you can relate to times where you. You've wanted to say no and you couldn't, and then you're in that precarious place to have, like, obligatory sex, which doesn't feel good for anyone. So something that really helped us in our journey is Jason at times would say, I always want to know if it hurts. I want to know right away. Like, that's more important than me, you know, finishing or something. And however, like, there were times where I said no earlier in our relationship where I do think it brought something up for you.

Jason Lange: Sure. I think it's a practice for any man to receive that, you know, rejection, whatever you want. It's not even quite rejection. And some oftentimes was just like, not right now or not today, not in this moment. And then learning to do, you know, not collapse around that or where to bring that energy was certainly a trajectory for me that I had to practice and have gotten a lot more comfortable with. And that, you know, I think that's a big thing just for a lot of couples is, you know, even being aware of who's initiating. And, you know, I know there was a time you kind of had a mental calendar for when was the last time we had sex. And. And then there's been times where I've had that mental calendar, and we've. We've each kind of been. Been holding that at different points in our relationship and had to practice, you know, just coming forward on both of our sides sometimes.

Violet Lange: Yes. And I think because of the societal narrative that the man should initiate and the woman should receive, it brought up a lot of shame for me. Like, oh, why doesn't he want me? And why isn't he initiating and what am I doing wrong? And he must not be attracted to me. Maybe he's into someone. And again, this is just my fear driven inner monologue. Not necessarily the truth, but I just want to reflect that. It's tender. It's a tender topic. It brings up shame, it brings up anxiety, it brings up, am I lovable, am I attractive? You know, and I'm imagining from the masculine perspective, like, can I keep it up? Does she want me like there? Am I doing it right for her? You know, there's so much to that we bring into this topic that isn't maybe necessarily serving the connection, but is good for us to be aware of because those can then disconnect us from our partner. You know, when I'm focused on the calendar and when's the last time we had sex and does he want me or not? I'm actually not able to receive the ways that he does want me, the way that he is showing up and the context that, like, yeah, he's super busy or he's been sick or he's been with his family. There was another pattern that's just coming up for me right now where obviously this is a little edgy, but, you know, there'd be times where maybe we're traveling or, you know, staying at his family's house. And it's not that I'm expecting us to have sex when we're at his family's house, but I wanted to feel him with me or come towards me or I didn't want to cut off our attraction for one another just because we were around family. And so the first, like maybe three or four years, kind of when we were out of our element and not just on vacation ourselves, it brought up a lot of my insecurities. And that has shifted over time, like Jason was saying, where he's feeling more comfortable coming towards me, like just giving me a hug, putting his hand on my back, or saying like, I don't think we can right now, but I want you. Like, those things really, for me, help soften me and ground me. So, yeah, like, how does it keep getting better? I think the number one thing is having an intention that this is an important part of your relationship. And that can be tricky if you've already been in the relationship for a while and you haven't established this as part of your foundation. One thing that was a happy kind of accident when Jason and I met on some of our first few dates, just talked about. Yeah. Something I learned in my past relationship is that I want to have a thriving sex life. So from the beginning, that was already part of our dialogue. Even before we actually had physical sex, we were talking about that as. As a value and keeping us connected and how it's hard to see couples where that falls apart or it's hard to be in that situation yourself. Um, the other thing that we'll share more of probably in a little bit, is each person has to then be responsible for that. It's not like, okay, we both want to have a lot of sex or we want to have really great sex. You turn me on. You know, like, we're responsible for our own turn on. Um, and I think the last thing I'd say about how does it keep getting better? Is being willing to maintain an emotional connection and an erotic connection. And I think sometimes it's very stereotypically as women, we're like, well, he hasn't nurtured me emotionally, so why should I be sexually generous? Or we just had. You know, we have three kids now. It's just not a priority. And when we say things like that, it's kind of shutting down part of the life force of a relationship and also putting the responsibility on our partner, versus, like, yeah, I'm going to show up sexually generous and resourced kind of no matter what. I mean, it doesn't mean that we're going to have sex we don't want to have if we've just been fighting with our partner or feel neglected by them or something, but continuing to show up willing to connect to this part of ourselves in our relationship, which I call being sexually generous.

Jason Lange: Yeah. And I'd say in terms of what's getting better, I think on both ends, there's just more trust in a sense that if there's. We can both bring things forward in an explorative way. And, you know, there's no shaming. There's just, okay, well, let's. We can try that. Here's my boundary. Here's not my boundary. And that obviously creates a lot of space for it to be an actual exploration, a fun thing that can bring a lot of novelty and doesn't just get static and become habitual, you know, which we've done at times, but there's. There's always the sprinkles of novelty that, like you said, and then a couple times a year, it's like, wow, that was amazing. Like, who knew we could go there or have that experience? And that's one of the things that's definitely getting more and more fun and enjoyable and that, you know, there's. There's probably also just a relaxing. I think probably for both of us that just comes with age, where, you know, some of the concerns and fears about appearance and stuff just start to kind of melt away a little bit. And then it's really about the connection and enjoying each other, you know, whatever is going on and, you know, our aches and pains and bodies of the moments that, like, there's space for all that and we can work with that.

Violet Lange: And when we talk about novelty or, like, going to new places, for me, a lot of times that's energetic, you know, I'm feeling something different in my body or experiencing something visually, you know, that I haven't seen before, or I'm. I'm just feeling opened. That's. I'm feeling opened in a way that I hadn't been opened before. And of course, sometimes it's a new toy or a new position or a new room in the house that we're in or, you know, something like, more mechanical. But it doesn't have to be that all the time. You don't have to all of a sudden go out and buy a sex swing. Although if you want to do that, great. You know, like, it can be the practical, mechanical part, and it can also be the energetic part. And I also just want to celebrate that Jason had already done a fair amount of work on himself when we met, that he was able to bring a lot of consciousness to his. To his cock energy. You know, he was able to connect to my cervix and to my body in a way that felt safe and that brought something. That brought a sense of a masculine transmission.

Jason Lange: And so, you know, I think part of why we wanted to have this talk is about, like, so how. What does it take? You know, what has it taken for us to make sure it keeps getting better? In that, yeah, we were pretty. I wouldn't say lucky. I think we brought. Brought consciousness into our early dating that, yeah, there was a pretty quick coming together around the shared value of, you know, this is a priority. We don't want to be in a relationship that becomes sexless or with partner. With a partner that isn't willing to invest the energy it takes to make that. And so like we said, we've had seasons where it's been stronger and seasons where it's been less of a priority. But overall the shared value is one of us is always tracking that right. That it really does happen in that way and it does take work. So I think we want to talk a little bit about some of what it's taken both individually and then together as a couple to kind of keep the flame alive.

Violet Lange: So for me, and I've talked about this on other podcast episodes, both our own, and then with Melanie Curtin's Dear Men podcast. But staying connected to my body and my turn on is a practice and it's gotten easier over time in many ways because I've worked through a lot of the negative inner dialogue or shame that I have felt in the past, but I didn't actually self pleasure for the first time until I was 27. And to me that feels like a little bit of a late bloom humor, but it doesn't really matter when you start. I also just want to clarify that it's not about like coming or reaching climax or getting off, although I've definitely had self pleasure that was like that, you know, in the beginning. Maybe it was like maybe I was just trying to figure out my own orgasm and figure out what felt good to me and, you know, kind of get lost in fantasy. And then I started diving deeper into more tantric and Taoist practices, which are less about just the quick get off and more about flowing energy through your body, adding breath, not relying on toys, using healing techniques like yoni eggs, or sometimes we call them jade eggs. And so I felt like I reached a new level, for lack of a better word or a new, a new dimension, a new kind of opening in my body when I wasn't using a vibrator, which I had for maybe like the first few years of self pleasure. And then when I started becoming more aware, I think a lot of women, and maybe men too. Jason, I'd be curious your thoughts don't know that much about their sexual anatomy or what specifically feels good in their body and where it feels good. They just kind of expect a partner to know what works for them. But we're all so unique. We have way different ways that we like to experience and receive stimulation. And so it was just helpful for me to not check out. I could easily, easily in my past relationships, just kind of float above my body, disassociate, check out of sex. And now it's like, oh, okay, he's Touching the right side of my, of my, you know, my cervix or wow, I'm feeling my G spot kind of extending up through my vaginal canal or you know, oh, I'm noticing a tightness in my heart. Like what is that? How can I move that energy with my breath or through crying or through, you know, touching my own breasts while we're making love in order to shift things.

Jason Lange: And for me, you know, in a sense it's more about. It's been a big part of it is kind of how I'm thinking about this is like what she just spoke about. And I would argue this might be true for a lot of couples, but not necessarily every couple, but certainly true of our couple. I think of like her work, which I've really come to appreciate over the years and was sharing this with her a couple weeks ago is I work with a lot of men and they share some of their challenges in their, in their sex life of like literally how much work you do to keep your erotic energy alive in your body independently of me. Meaning it's not only with me. Like she's putting time as her day right into, into keeping herself in a sensual kind of pleasure oriented place. And that's like a big gift because then, you know, particularly as parents, we don't always have the longest windows to connect intimately. And so there's like a way we can make better use of that time because you're kind of warmed up in a sense. And I think the equivalent I'm becoming more conscious of is it's in a way it's being in my body. But you know, there's plenty been plenty of times in our relationship where you know, I've been working out, I've been in my body, but I'm not really present in the relationship. So what I'm feeling, and I think what I'm speaking towards here is, you know, in a sense what she's been doing is keeping her erotic energy in her body alive and warm, right. This idea of fire that sometimes people talk about. And for me, and I would probably argue this is true for a lot of men, it's going to be keeping kind of my heart space warm, which is what actually allows me to be in relationship with you, like emotionally open and processing and connected that requires, you know, me to be taking good care of myself, to be getting enough sleep to be not getting overly stressed out by work towards to be revealing my inner world to you so you feel connected to my heart and for me to, you know, be getting Connected, in my case, to other men regularly, who helped me kind of keep oriented of where am I at in life and what's going on and, you know, not being so stressed out about it, but that, you know, I think we often work best when, like, I'm warmer in the heart space and you're kind of warmer more in the genital space, in a sense. And then that fire is just much easier to connect. And the other thing that that does take from me is. And this is certainly an edge, you know, I've been walking and will continue to walk and improve upon is, you know, in a sense, putting in the time for emotional connection before erotic time. In a sense that it does matter to stay connected through the week or to drop in with you or to come up and hug you, in a sense, to kind of keep our heart space alive so that when we do have those windows, you know, we can. We can meet there and that, yeah, what do we need to be doing independently so that when we can come together, we have something in the tank. We have energy to play with and explore with each other. And that's not something I was always great about doing in the past. You know, staying up too late, working, or getting stressed or just not being available to you outside of erotic time.

Violet Lange: Thank you for acknowledging that. And, you know, I've. I've had my work to do in all this area too, in terms of, like, keeping my erotic fire warm. There's so many ways to do that. And I just also want to explain that it doesn't have to be that you're touching your genitals, although sometimes that is. Every person has a different way of turning on. So for someone, it might be thinking about new kink or new fantasies. For someone else, it might be, you know, putting on body oil after the shower. There's. There's a lot of different ways to build sensuality in. And I do a lot of that in my course, Sacred Sensuality. Cause I go through the different Jaya blueprints and each chakra, how each chakra links to our genitals and our erotic anatomy as women. So I'm not gonna go into that now, but just know there's many pathways, you know, you don't have to just follow one particular pathway. And it's not even about, oh, this lingerie would turn on my partner, or this thing would turn on my partner. It's what is turning on you, you know, and what's making you feel excited and playful and alive. And we're not on video today, but there is a. Like a circuit or a loop of energy in Taoism that they talk about where it's kind of like the penis energy flows into the cervix. The cervix then flows energy up to the heart. The heart flows energy over towards the man's heart, and then his heart energy flows down to his cock. And so it's like this flow of energy going upward from the cervix to the heart for the woman, going downward from the heart to the penis for the man. And the reason that I bring that up is because, yeah, if either of us kind of cut off one of those places in the circuit, then. Then we just. The energy won't be able to flow and. And we can't just expect our partner to do it all because we have responsibility for our bodies and our energy bodies and keeping that flow going.

Jason Lange: Absolutely. And I would say, you know, as a couple, it's something we also just make time for, including sometimes bringing in, you know, courses or books or things to just add a little novelty. So we're exposed, you know, to different possibilities or talking about things or adventuring in new places that, you know, again, there's just a. This is a priority for us, and we're going to keep putting energy into it. And it turns out when we're putting energy into it, as often is the case, it really radiates out into everything else. And it kind of tends to make life easier, I think, is one thing. We've certainly experienced that when we're connecting and making space for that erotic energy, it actually gives us a lot more space for all the other stresses in life. And it's an actual legitimate power source, I think, in our relationship, and I think in a lot of couples. And when they don't have it, it's like kind of running your relationship on half a tank, like, on empty.

Violet Lange: And I don't want to make a hierarchy of different types of sex, but there is a type of sex where both people are just stressed. And it's kind of like, okay, let's climax and let's have sex so we can work through the stress in our nervous system. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with maintenance sex or kind of just routine sex. Nothing wrong with release sex. But for us, it seems to work really well when, yes, we're getting release and relief and pleasure and all that, but it's more like it's generating, to Jason's point, it's generating a depth in our connection that we just can't get to when we're verbally processing or in logistics mode. And for me, as the feminine, when I have had great sex, I think about it like for days, sometimes even weeks, you know, not every moment. But for instance, just recently, Jason, in the morning before our daughter had woken up, said something like, I don't know why, I'm just really horny right now. And I was like, amazing because I just, I was open to that. I was feeling rested. You know, we were both kind of in that we've woken up and not gotten out of bed space. And because like you mentioned before, sometimes it's been hard for him to come towards me with his desire. And he said things in the past like, I want you or I'm thinking of you, which I really like too. But there's something about the purity of him just saying, I'm just really hoarding right now. That for me felt liberating and exciting. And so I thought about that. You know, I had sex that morning. It was wonderful. And I thought about that for days afterwards. It was like a little mini celebration, you know, like if you got a promotion at work or something. And then you're just like, wow, this is so cool. So it gave me a high. And for me, when we are having a physical connection somewhat regularly and when there's depth that we're talking about, the little things are less important to me. You know, I'm someone who can get really bent out of shape about, like, what's in the recycling, does it really. Is it really recyclable? You know, how dirty is the house? When does the next laundry have to be done? Like, I can, I just am a little more anxious and OCD about that stuff. But something about having a good sexual and emotional connection softens life for me. So it's really a gift to have that resource, that power source we can tap into. So, yeah, for leading sexually as the feminine, I talked about being sexually generous. I'm just going to give some examples. Again, it does not mean you have to do these things, but for me, it's a little bit of an element of surprise and then kind of co creation with him. So, for instance, one of our magic moments sexually that I dare I say am proud of is, you know, it was like the end of a long day. Jason was in the shower. We were talking about either our work or spirituality or something not inherently sexual. And I was reading to him a quote from a book. And then we opened the shower door. He saw that I was totally naked and just wearing my glasses, holding this book. So I, I love personally to surprise him like that to you know, flash my boobs sometimes or like do a little booty shake or yeah. Not have any clothes on while he's in the shower. And those are just the examples that are coming to mind. I probably think I do this more often than I actually do it, but it's something that feels like a way that I can lead as the feminine is to reveal, reveal my body, reveal my heart and be willing to keep the sexual energy going. And there's other times where I've been like, hey, I want to do a sexy dance for you, like pick out a song. But in order for me to feel confident doing a sexy dance for him, I went to S factor classes, which is a pole dancing type class. You know, I've done other sensual movement and sensual embodiment classes. So again, I'm not trying to make it seem like it's a ton of work, but I wouldn't feel confident and safe in my body to be that generous with him if I hadn't already developed some erotic based self practices that are not about orgasm but are just about moving sexual energy. You know, Mikayla Bohm teaches these things. Layla Martin, Sheila Kelly of S Factor. You know, there's like a lot of teachers that I've taken their workshops or have done their work in some way, even reading their books like Jaya. Like if I stay in my body, if I'm sexually generous and if I stay curious about sex, you know, there's like new Netflix shows all the time, like how to Build a Sex Room or Sex, Love and Goop. Like me staying curious about those things also helps me bring energy and be generous into the relationship.

Jason Lange: And I would say for me as the masculine, there's, you know, a couple of ways there's yeah, sometimes just being direct, like I'm horny, you know, I want to create this experience for us or I want to experience you in this way that is really important to just have that again, energy. She said it. That I think is really key in our relationship. And I just want to highlight here, this does not always mean in a sexual way, but anytime I'm coming towards her, right, like actually moving my body towards her, coming close to her, getting closer to her emotionally, that often starts to create the erotic energy. Whether or not we're sexual in that moment or not, that there's a, in a sense there's a lot of power on my side by bringing that forward. That when I do that, that's one of the ways I can keep the engine of our sex life, alive and vital. And the other way, I would say, is it's. It's even more indirect, but it's. Well, what is. What are the conditions that need to be happening to allow her to relax into her body more and more? And this is, you know, certainly a challenge with a kid. And, you know, I think of one instance, which, again, it's like an indirect way, but in our previous residence, you know, by the time we had Ruby, I don't know, she might have been two years old or so, we basically had kind of a rat's nest of shoes in our, like, utility room, because suddenly I had, like, three or four pairs of shoes. Violet had, like, five. And then Ruby suddenly had a bunch of shoes, and. And they were just always kind of piled there. And it was uncomfortable, to say the least, to have to, like, dig out your shoes and walk into the room. And there was just a lot going on. And that was one of those areas where, in a masculine sense, I was just like, oh, we need a shoe rack. So I just got a shoe rack, and I put it up and I put the shoes on it. And that had an impact right on you and your body.

Violet Lange: Totally. I was feeling lit up and so taken care of. And it's so basic. But I don't. I. I don't always think about the structural things. I'm a little bit more like a, you know, kind of like, busy body, just, like, always tidying and that. But I don't often think about, like, oh, the best solution instead of kicking the shoes around is to just get a shoe rack.

Jason Lange: Yeah. And, you know, another example I would say of kind of. So, again, this is a little bit more like, one way I can lead. I tend to lead, and, you know, it's gonna be different for every man. But we often associate structure with the masculine. So it would be a bringing a book or a course or something. Like, again, in our old place, lighting. So, you know, I got some fancy LED kind of lights in the pattern of a heart we could put on in our bedroom that then could very easily change the mood, right from red to fading, different colors. That, again, it has an impact on the space, which then has an impact on. On your nervous system. And I think that's the case for a lot of women. So it's. And, you know, this is. This is one she's had to give me feedback around. And, you know, sometimes I'm better than others, but, you know, sometimes the best way to keep our erotic energy alive is for me to put the dishes away at 6am in the morning before my day starts. Right. Like, it actually starts there. And I think this is the thing. A lot of us men don't want to take responsibility for that. Like, oh, okay, if I'm starting to feel horny and, you know, I can feel like, hey, tomorrow night, my. Like, it actually starts then in terms of how can I start creating this connection and, you know, real relaxation in our nervous systems between now and then that often does have to do with stuff around the house or chores or different work. And there's ways I can certainly keep improving there. But these things are really important for us men. That there's the direct way of bringing my sexual energy towards, and then there's what can I be doing to support her nervous system? Being able to fully relax and open when I do come towards her. So it's kind of optimally, I think, from the masculine. It's both.

Violet Lange: And I just want to layer on too. You know, I talked about kind of having your sensual toolkit, staying connected to your erotic energy, being able to flow that energy through your body to be able to surprise and, you know, hopefully delight your partner. But the other piece I've maybe alluded to, haven't directly touched on is as the feminine, being responsible for your emotions and not letting resentments build up. I'm not great at this. Sometimes they do really build up, but when I am letting them build up, it's like all my energy is going to my head and feeling, like, really fiery in my head. And then even if he did come towards me sexually, like, I'm not always able to receive that. So him doing all this stuff that helps regulate my nervous system, that makes me feel more safe and spacious, helps that energy flow down from my heart back to my body. But I think a lot of women, and myself included, sometimes we're like, well, my partner doesn't deserve sex with me right now because he didn't. Blah, blah, blah. And so we're carrying this wound or this resentment, and then we're expecting our partner to read our mind and know that that's why we're not sexually open versus saying, you know, I'm really frustrated with you about xyz. And it's not easy for the masculine to hear that because sometimes then maybe Jason does feel like, ugh, you're always angry. But I'm. I'm bringing up my resentments because it's in service of me staying open to you.

Jason Lange: Absolutely. And I think that's just something I wanted to speak about here that, you know, at least in men's work, we often talk about it for the feminine, but it's really important for a lot of men too. And that's the correlation between sex and safety. That if, if either partner is not feeling safe emotionally, absolutely physically, sex is often kind of hard to have flourish. You know, there can be kind of that more attention based sex like the fight and the makeup, but like the underlying safety hasn't been dealt with there. That, you know, still makes it not quite optimal, but that often. I think what we found in our relationship and couples we work with is the more safety there is between the couple, the better the sex can get and the, the more erotic energy can start to flow. And this is again kind of, this is often the unsexy part of having a good sex life, which is like, what's going on with your intimate connection? What are you guys doing? What are you doing with your resentments? How are you communicating? That's not always as fun, right, to work on or like, yeah, what's going on with the labor, with the children and keeping the house and these real tensions in that. I think this is an area where men again by us kind of focusing on our hearts and the emotional connection space, we can actually do a lot to keep that space alive and connected in that the safer our partners feel. That yeah, if she is feeling pissed at me, you know, more and more she feels safe to just let it out and bring it to me in the moment. Right. Rather than it building up to the grenade like we've talked about before, that it's just, it can flow through there and I can receive it and I can take that feedback in and you know, modulate or change or integrate it if I need to. Or sometimes I don't even need to sometimes, honest to God, if I just hold the space and she moves it, she kind of metabolizes it herself and then like is available. But that, you know, for a lot of men, I think it's just really important to highlight, like if your partner is not feeling safe in her environment, in the relationship with you, emotionally, it's a hard lift to go right towards sexuality. And I think that was something we were pretty good at from early on in terms of like she said sometimes she had things coming up early on in sex and it was always like, no, we can totally stop, we can pause, we don't have to go. It's okay for that emotion to come through. Which started to create a bedrock, I think of safety for you that has allowed things to transmute over time, but that, you know, it's a really important thing that if you want to have a good sex life, you have to be putting in the labor to create that emotional connection and safety between each other.

Violet Lange: And both partners putting in the labor or the intention to stay connected to what turns them on, what excites them. And we've been talking from maybe a more traditional lens, feminine and masculine, but libido changes and people go through different things health wise. Like it's not realistic to think one partner is going to always have a higher libido or one partner is going to be more interested in sex. But I think what we're trying to get across is it's a shared leadership. And so sometimes I'm being more sexually generous, sometimes he's being more emotionally or sexually generous. And we've mentioned this, it's like, yes, it is about the frequency. It is about like having sex enough that you feel like you're maintaining, you're putting another log on the fire, so to speak. You know, you're maintaining the, the, the heat and the relationship. But I think sometimes I've used that a bit as a weapon. It's like, oh, we haven't had enough sex lately, or, you know, so it's a combination of frequency, but it's also a combination of growth and curiosity and novelty and yeah, just these new energetic landscapes that we can go into.

Jason Lange: And I'll just mention too, it hasn't necessarily always been a personal challenge, but for safety around men, our erections are tied directly towards how safe we feel. The interesting thing, you know, about arousal for men is it's actually a parasympathetic thing. So to get hard, your blood vessels actually have to relax for blood to flow in. So if a man is feeling super anxious and not safe, he will often have erectile dysfunction. Right. He'll have a hard time getting it up. And I've worked with many men like that. And the truth is they're not in safe relationships. Right. They are on defense or they've been shamed in the past because they had ED or some experience. And then it actually starts to kind of feed into itself. And that the safety piece is so key for men, I would say particularly, I work with a lot of nice guys and I would consider that myself one as well, that, you know, there's often a strong correlation between our sexual desire and shame, that there's something wrong with it or something bad about it. And so it can feel super vulnerable to bring it forward. And for many Men that I work with. Yeah, like their, their kind of raw, wild man desire is actually incredibly vulnerable. Like the, the hardest thing to bring forward for their partner and that they need a lot of safety around that. Which part of that safety is, you know, whether you get it up or not, whether you ejaculate early, like it's all good, we can still have fun here. You know, it doesn't make you less of a man. And just really wanted to name that that, you know, it's really important for men to feel safe in the relationship for that sexuality to thrive.

Violet Lange: And it brings up for me that maybe the thing that you've been feeling uncomfortable to bring forward for men and women is the exact thing that is the exact thing that your partnership or your partner needs. You know, for women oftentimes who've had obligatory sex or painful sexual, the corollary is that they feel uncomfortable bringing their anger, bringing their. No, bringing their boundaries and they don't want to do that because they're used to being the nice girl or they're afraid of their partner's reaction or you know, they just feel like they should grin and bear it and that sex is just painful. And there can be many reasons why women, and men too, but especially women are having painful sex. But you don't have to be having painful sex. Like you can work through whether it's trauma or emotional clearing or de. Armoring the genitals or breath work. You know, there's so many ways to work with this. But we want you to enjoy your sex, we want your relationship, the sex to get better and better. And that's one of the reasons that we're so passionate about our couples course, evolutionary couples and within it 12 epic dates. Because we lead you through six polarity based states which will increase the erotic energy which plus a themed date that's just about sex in addition to five other themed dates about like finances, clearing resentments. Cuz we're trying to address the sex and the safety to Jason's point in that course, half of it is about sex and polarity and half of it really is about emotional safety and creating the foundation in your relationship where you can both feel resourced and generative and excited, excited to be with each other.

Jason Lange: Yeah, it's one of the cool things I think you need both and you know, the funnest stuff to teach is the polarity stuff and the increasing erotic energy and the honest to God truth. I think that, you know, as leaders and participants in this work we've discovered is you can Kind of learn that stuff pretty fast in a workshop or in a weekend. And then suddenly you can do it with your partner or do it, you know, with a new person you just met, if you're single or something like that. But the more precious resource underneath is that safety and deep connection, that trust that actually takes time to build through some of the hardships and ruptures and repairs and being able to communicate and set boundaries. And again, it's not like the. As fun, sexy stuff to do, but it creates the foundation to really allow that polarized energy, that erotic energy, to flow much more freely and at full charge, so to speak.

Violet Lange: Yes. And I just want to add one last thing that we've kind of mentioned, which is I think it's so easy for kids to become an excuse to not have an erotic connection. And we both really prioritize that. And I am proud of myself and proud of us for prioritizing that. So I know there's a million and one excuses, and I shouldn't say excuses, a million and one reasons to kind of let this dwindle. But I have never seen a healthy couple that has zero intimate physical connection. It doesn't mean that you're having penetrative sex all the time, but I just don't think it's sustainable to have a relationship where there's no intimacy. And I've worked with women who haven't had sex with their partner in like, three years or five years, you know, since having their last baby. And. And sometimes it comes down to their partner being like, this isn't working for me. So if you're in a sexless relationship, I just want to encourage you to have the hard conversation that, like, this has to change for us. And I want to support you in that, you know, regardless of which partner is feeling disconnected from their sexual energy. And it. You don't have to stay stuck.

Jason Lange: And I think I just want to close here with two highlights, at least for me. Just moments that came to. Came to mind of, in a sense, when Kind of Violet led the erotic connection. And, you know, one time, I remember early in our relationship, I don't quite remember how she framed it, but she showed up at my apartment in like, a trench coat or in like a long, long coat. And then, you know, came up into my bedroom and took it off and was wearing just beautiful lingerie. And preface that she was really kind of nervous. She had never really kind of done that in that exact way before. But it was like such an erotic gift to me because she just looks so beautiful. And it was unexpected, and it was like a surprise, which was really beautiful. And then, you know, another time with Burning man, it was early in the morning, and we were out, and she really initiated in front of a beautiful piece of art and kind of led us into an experience that was, you know, unforgettable to this day. That, again, was kind of novel. It was a surprise. It was her revealing where she was at and sometimes intuiting what she knew would light me up, you know, in both of those situations. And so, obviously, a little bit of novelty goes a long way for me, but, you know, another way I'll frame this, which is, you know, a little sensitive in a sense, but it's, you know, really gifting me sometimes her body, which I just love. Like, I love seeing it. I love witnessing it. I love seeing it dressed up in different things, like, and it really lights me up, you know, really lights me up. And she gifts that to me in different ways at different times, and it's something I'm thankful for. So thank you.

Violet Lange: My pleasure. And something I'm thankful for with Jason is his leadership, like he said, of kind of space and tracking things that might be stressful for me and kind of managing those or helping dissipate those around the house. But he's also just great about leading us into new experiences. So, for instance, we typically would have sex, like, either in our living room or in our bedroom. And then one time in our old house, he was like, let's go in your office, in the back room, you know, which I don't know how he got that impulse, but he just did. And I have, like, a rocking chair kind of recliner with an ottoman. And it just so happened that having that much space to kind of, like, rock and move, you know, I was kind of had my hips on the ottoman, and he was sitting in the chair was so fantastic for me. I'd actually never had sex like that before. You know, I made the joke earlier about you don't have to go get a sex swing, but an ottoman is highly recommended. And that, to me, was one of the best. Yeah, one of the best times that we've ever had sex. Just so much open in me by having the freedom for my body to move and not be kind of against, like, the bed or the hard ground. Like, there was just so much more happening in my hips. So subtle adjustments and new ways of trying things can have huge payoffs.

Jason Lange: Yeah, I think we'll just end with that, you know, Again, what makes it better, over and over and over as time goes by is, in a sense, it's related to novelty. But it. That novelty isn't just like a new toy or a new location. It's to kind of tie it all together here. The dedication we've both each had to keep growing. And so sometimes, like literally a year later, it's two different people having sex, because we've both been on this inner journey of healing and growth. And then as a couple, that there's novelty in terms of we keep getting to meet each other over and over again and that it doesn't have to go, you know, stale in that sense. And just having that commitment to exploration of ourselves and each other, including our erotic connection, you know, it's so powerful. And it's available to any couples out there that are just committed enough to say, yeah, this is a priority and we're going to put time in. And so if you want to put the time in, you can do it with us and you can join us in our program, Evolutionary Couples, which you can learn all about at evolutionarycouples Us. And that program includes a live component where you get to work with Violet and I together, and each person in your coupledom gets to work with us individually in a cohort. So you get to know other couples who are on this journey. And it includes a guided thing called 12 epic dates, which are actually, okay, this is the nuts and bolts, 12 experiences you're going to have, like she said, six around polarity, six around kind of themes, intimacy, connection, and, you know, as I kind of call it, the unsexy work that creates that foundation for the polarity to really flourish. And if you're at a place where you can't do the live cohort with us, you can sign up and join 12 epic dates anytime. And you can actually guide yourselves through that experience with our kind of virtual help, so to speak. But if you want to go deeper, you can do that in the context of actual support with us through the Evolutionary Couples Program. So head on over to evolutionarycouples us to check it out and let us know if you have any questions.

Violet Lange: See you there.

Jason Lange: If you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to Evolutionary Men. Apply.