There's a version of the lone wolf that gets romanticized in movies and gym locker rooms and every joke about the guy who doesn't need anybody. Here's the actual biology of it. The lone wolf is the one that got kicked out of the pack, and he dies faster. That paradox sits right at the center of this conversation with Precious.
We got into the man box, this idea most of us absorbed early about what counted as a real man. Don't cry, don't ask for help, provide, take what's offered, do it all alone. I talked about how that box did damage in my life long before I had language for it, and how stumbling into my first men's group, almost by accident, started to crack it open. Being cared for by other men taught me how to actually make decisions instead of white knuckling my way through them.
I also got honest about the year I went all in on building Evolutionary Men and ended up financially wrecked, having to go back to stable work while I rebuilt. That one was hard to talk about without the old shame creeping back in, but it's become part of what I teach now. The same men who helped me through that debt and doubt are the ones who taught me transparency gets you further than toughness ever did.
We covered a lot of ground. The loneliness so many men are carrying and rarely naming, how virtual groups changed access to this work since the pandemic, and what vulnerability actually looks like once you strip away the performance of confidence. Turns out it's just courage with your voice shaking a little.
Is there a man in your life you've had a hunch you could go deeper with? What's stopping you from reaching out to him this week?
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Jason Lange: Most of us are taught what it means to be a man is to be invulnerable and to not share, you know, any kind of weakness and to do everything alone. So that's often the root of this lone wolf syndrome, this idea that to be a tough, real strong man means to not need anyone's help. It got so painful for me that I decided I needed some help and to try to figure out another way. And honestly, it was just by sheer luck that I kind of stuck. Stumbled into my first men's group and had this experience of wow. Being around all these other men who learned to love and care for me, helped me actually make the decisions I wanted to make in my life and take the actions I wanted to take.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: Welcome to another episode of Becoming with Precious. This page, we will explore the journey of personal growth and reinvention. Today, we are diving into a topic that is often whispered about but rarely confronted head on. The lone wolf syndrome and the evolution of the modern man. Jeremy is someone who spent years in that silence before deciding to break the world down. Jason, you've dedicated two decades to Epperman, shared outdated paradigms, and find true clarity. I am so honored to have you here to share your grit and grace. Welcome to the show.
Jason Lange: Thanks for having me. Excited to be here.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: I would like you to tell us who are you in this season of your life, and what does the current story of Jason look like?
Jason Lange: Yeah, so I am a father and a men's group coach and facilitator. So I'm a family man. I have two kids of my own, and I've been a man who's been involved in men's groups for about 20 years now, mainly in my own journey, and then about 10 years ago, changed to also bringing this work to other men. And it's kind of become my passion and my purpose to try to get every man into a men's group because I found it to be the most transformational vehicle that I've certainly experienced for improving the quality of my life and that I think a lot of men could use a lot of support around these days.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: Yes. Beautiful. You spoken about the years of loneliness before entering Ben break. Looking back, what was the specific moment or audacious move that signaled the end of your lone wolf era and the beginning of your current path?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I think, like a lot of guys, you know, part of the major struggle we have these days is most of us are taught what it means to be a man is to be invulnerable and to not share you know any kind of weakness and to do everything alone. So that's often the root of this lone wolf syndrome, this idea that to be a tough, real strong man means to not need anyone's help. And I certainly started that way. You know, I had a father that did the best he could, but wasn't able to guide me in a lot of the ways I really needed. And as I launched out into the world, I was quite lost as to how to take care of myself, what direction I wanted to go and, and how to create the types of experiences I wanted to have in my life. And it got so painful for me that I decided I needed some help and to try to figure out another way. And honestly, it was just by sheer luck that I kind of stumbled into my first men's group and had this experience of, wow. Being around all these other men who learned to love and care for me, helped me actually make the decisions I wanted to make in my life and take the actions I wanted to take. And it was getting into that group that really kind of, in a lot of ways grew me up and got me onto the great adventure of my life and had me take some big risks and get out into the world and try a lot of things in some ways that I think I may never have done in quite the same way had I not been around those men. And so thankful as that really kicked off this, you know, now 20 year process of meeting so many incredible men and mentors who have guided me along my way.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: Wow, that's wonderful. Let's talk about, let's define the man boss. Now, we often yell about toxic masculinity, but we focus on the man boss and the lone wolf. How do these internal scripts, specifically in the young professionals today from achieving true success? And before that, can you define just two terms for us, the man box and what it also means to be a lone wolf?
Jason Lange: Yeah, absolutely, as they're very related. So the man box is this term that was kind of popularized in the late 90s. And it basically is this idea, right, that across most cultures, the way masculinity works is there's this box of behavior we're exposed to, we're expected to fit within as men. And it's literally like a bunch of different attributes that if you check off the boxes inside this grander box, you're considered a man. And if you don't, you're not considered a man, you're considered less of a man. Right. A boy, a man child or something else. And some, you know, we've Already talked about some of these main attributes of. Yeah, being a man means being strong, being tough, not being vulnerable, not crying, not being weak, not asking for help and providing, you know, particularly financially. And, you know, it even drills into some things around intimacy and sexuality that, you know, to be a man means, hey, if sex is available for you, you should take it, and if you don't, there's something wrong with you as a man. Right. There's something that makes you less than. And so this kind of cultural box, you know, there's slightly different variations of it around the. Different around the world, but there are these great similarities. And, you know, it's interesting because there was even this one research study I. I saw about two years ago that was really fascinating that interviewed both men and women about two things. Hey, what marks the transition of a girl into a woman and a boy into a man? And so I'm not saying these are right, but this is what was reported from both sides. And when it came to the transition from girls to women, what both men and women mostly reported on was physical attributes, biology. Right? Her body developed, she had a cycle, she could rear children. Now she's a woman. But when it came to boys, to men, it was not based on their biology or body. You could have a boy that had finished puberty but not be considered a man because it was actually based on his behavior and how he was showing up in his culture or community or family. Meaning you could have, you know, so we hear the term all the time, this kind of man child, someone in a fully adult male body that's not considered a man because he's not responsible, or he doesn't provide or he doesn't take care of himself. And so that's another lens on this idea of the man box, that it's this collection of attributes. And so lone wolf in a lot of ways springs out of that, in that for so many men, they're taught, hey, what it means to be tough is to do things alone. And if you need support and help, you're weak, you're less than. And then that gets accelerated by the fact that for a lot of guys, other men are considered competition, right? And from a young age, we're taught like, oh, my God, these guys might bully me, they might ostracize me, they might steal my girlfriend. So I got to be careful, and I got to just do things on my own and not rely on other men. And that has these severe downstream consequences that really damages us men long term. And so lone wolf is this guy who Thinks he can just do it all on his own.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: But.
Jason Lange: Right. The. The parable of the lone wolf in a lot of ways is actually much more complex in that the lone wolf, particularly in nature, is actually the one that was kicked out of the pack. And actually that wolf doesn't live as long, doesn't survive as much, he dies faster. And so why it's a romantic myth for men, it's actually the reality of it which bears out in men's mental health and suicide rates, is if you try to go it alone, you're not gonna do as well in life.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: Wow. Thank you so much for explaining that. Can you share with us some of the downsides to living in the man books and as a lone wolf?
Jason Lange: Yeah, the biggest one is often loneliness and isolation. So this feeling of I don't feel connected to other people, I don't feel supported by other people. And for a lot of men, what it leads to is holding a lot of mental, emotional and physical tension in their bodies because they're not, they have nowhere to share about what's happening inside. And so they either just try to tough it out, which eventually catches up with men and middle aged and beyond, or they will try to change and get rid of that tension through external things like alcohol, weed, porn and masturbation, sex, you name it. And instead this leads to a lot of kind of addiction and addiction behaviors which again damage men. And it's really the sense that so many men walk around carrying so much burden and tension, feeling like they're doing life wrong or they have too much to do, or they have to hold it all inside and there's no one there to support them. So it actually weighs men down long term. And if they ignore it long enough, it'll show up as mental and emotional challenges. They'll get depressed, they'll get numb, it might even get suicidal. It can turn into physical challenges, autoimmune disorders, sicknesses, disease. And it really catches up to guys. This is where, you know, a lot of men will be skeptical and wear with pride, oh, I don't need anybody, you know, da, da, da, da. And what I tell guys is, you know, no matter how tough you think you are, how strong you might be at this moment in your life, there's going to be a day where your body will fail you. It might be sickness, it might be accident, or the one that comes for us all, old age. And in that moment you are going to find out what kind of support structure do you have around you that can help care for you when you can't care for yourself. And so many men wait until the crisis comes to get that support system in place, which just makes it infinitely harder to navigate the challenges of life.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: Thank you for sharing that with us. When you transitioned from struggling to connect to others towards their connection, what was the hardest part of your own shadow work that you had to confront?
Jason Lange: Sure. For me, you know, one of the most vulnerable things I've had to do in my life is it's very simple but very challenging for a lot of us guys is learn to ask for help. That's it. Just, hey, I need help. I need help because I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. I need help because I'm stuck or I'm scared, or I literally need help because there's something physical in my life I can't do alone. And learning to be vulnerable in those ways and ask for that kind of help was so challenging for me because it was not something I was raised being comfortable with or knowing how to do. So I would walk around trying to figure out and do everything alone. And that caused a lot of tension and a lot of fear and a lot of challenge in my life. And the moments where I started to learn to ask for help, which sometimes was as simple as, hey, I'm terrified by this thing that's happened in my life, or I'm really sad by this thing that happened in my relationship or with my kids or whatever that might be. And learning that in community I could share what was hard inside and it would be met with just care and regard really transformed my life and changed what it meant for me to be able to experience and feel my emotions and myself. And it turns out the more comfortable we become feeling our emotions as men, the less power they have over us and the more we can really take the actions we want to take in life.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: No, that's interesting. We know becoming isn't a straight line. What have been some of the most daunting behind the scenes failure or obstacles you have faced while building this community? Focus, life.
Jason Lange: Yeah. For me, I mean, the main one was when I decided to do this professionally. This is back in 2018. And I decided, hey, I want to lead men, I want to become a group facilitator, I want to coach men. And I rather brashly decided, okay, I'm just going to go all in. I'm going to burn the boats behind me, let go of all my stable work and just do this full time. And turns out that's quite a challenge. Back then and even more now to. To build a successful, you know, community and business that I could take care of myself and my family on has. Has taken, you know, almost a decade. Within a year of doing this, you know, I was financially just devastated, in debt, couldn't pay my bills, had no idea how I was going to take care of my family and had to learn a hard lesson that I think a lot of men do of. We have this dream that, oh my God, I just want to make money doing my deepest purpose and living the thing I care the most about. But sometimes it's not such a straight line and we have to do both. And I had to go back and get some stable work while I grew my business and learn to be patient in a way that I didn't necessarily know how to do at that time. And at first, you know, it brought up a lot of shame in me that, oh my God, I made, I got into all this debt, I have to go do this other work. And now it's actually part of the thing I teach men that, you know, it's okay that you take big swings in life and sometimes they don't always work out. But part of what got me through that time was my community. When my men's groups, the. The guys that cared for me, that helped me make a plan for. Okay, that didn't work. So let's figure out another way where you can keep doing what you love and earn enough money to take care of yourself and your family. And I, you know, had to really kind of swallow my pride, in a sense and do that. And it turns out many other men have too. And a lot of guys are just afraid to talk about it, but when we start to talk about our challenges, it actually becomes quite healing for us.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: Was it a time when you felt like giving hope during those downsides of your business, during those times when you were in depth and, and what kept you going at that point?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I would say really just a deep passion for, hey, I know I want to do this. I love this work. And a kind of relentlessness that, hey, it's going to take time and patience and I have support around me. Right. I have community, I have mental that care about me and help guide me. And that was something I hadn't had before. So as I hit challenges before, I might panic. And now I just had other men sometimes sharing their own stories of financial challenge or career failure. And hey, this is what it took me and here's how I got through it. And so for me, in those most challenging Times what I discovered is, hey, the more transparent I become with the men that care about me, the easier this gets. So it became a double lesson in a sense of, okay, I don't have to hide all this stuff. And rather than feeling shame around it, it's just, I'm just learning. And so in that process of having other men reflect that to me, like, hey, man, don't be so hard on yourself. It's okay to learn. And, you know, there's ways you can be responsible and keep, keep focused on what you want to do most.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: All right, so you've been doing this for 20 years, which is a master achievement. How has your approach to helping men changed as the word and even the definition of masculinity has shifted around us today?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I would say in a lot of ways I'm doing the same work I ever did. But the exciting thing is it's becoming more and more accessible to more men. Where, you know, when I started, there were maybe not many men's groups. You said men's group. Most people had no idea what you're talking about. But in the last five years in particular, men's work has really taken off and people are aware of it. And one of the big changes really that's come along are virtual technologies like this online and the fact that, you know, you used to have to find men around you to get into this kind of deeper work, which, depending on where you live, you couldn't always do. Right. I work with guys all over the world now and sometimes they live in some pretty remote places or different cultural centers that just don't have a lot of men who are interested in self development and growth. But now with video chats and group online spaces, you can be anywhere in the world and tune in with other men who care about this kind of work. So that's been a huge change, particularly since the COVID pandemic when a lot of things moved online that really, it's accessible now to any guy that wants it in a way that it wasn't about 20 years ago. And then I would just say, you know, there's more awareness now that men are in pain and aren't really keeping up with the changing global environment. And a lot of men are starting to feel frustrated and left behind. And it can make, it can be easy. And people often take advantage of those men by wanting to blame other people. But the truth is, it's just, you know, it's right there. In the name of my organization, we're being asked to evolve and become More as men. And for a lot of guys, that more just means learning to take better care of themselves, get into their bodies and become emotionally intelligent and not just physically powerful or mentally sharp, but to know how to handle their emotions. And downstream of that, really be able to stay in connection with other people. As the world in a lot of ways has become more relational. And instead of just, you know, working factory jobs, a lot of people work jobs now where they have to interact with other people and those people skills a lot of men didn't have, but a lot of men are now interested in learning because it turns out it improves your life, life in all kinds of ways.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: For those men who feel they have to figure it out alone to be respected, how do you help them reframe vulnerability as a high level professional and personal skill?
Jason Lange: Yeah, basically what I say is vulnerable. Another word for vulnerability is just courage or speaking the truth. Right? So even when we get scared, we take action and speak our truth. And the funny thing is, a lot of guys come to me, you know, particularly in terms of relationships, and they tell me, hey, you know, I want to be, I want to feel confident. I want to feel confident approaching a woman or a man or whatever that might be. And the, the hilarious thing about that is what they often mean by confident is, I want to know it's going to go the way I want to go so I don't have to feel bad. And what I tell them is, well, that's actually not the path forward and that's not what I teach. Because whether it's a first date or your 20th wedding anniversary, you're going to have to be vulnerable in your life and share things. You don't know what the outcome is going to be. And the real power of that though, is as we lean into courage. Which means, hey, I don't know what the outcome of this is going to be when I share it or take the action or whatever that might be, but I'm going to do it anyway because that's what I want. On the outside, that looks like confidence. Wow. That person just says what they mean and goes for what they want and takes risks. On the inside, it often feels like vulnerability. Right. It's scary. And so even just in terms of leadership and effectiveness and performance, it turns out as we get connected to other men, become emotionally attuned to ourselves, learn how to take care of our bodies, basically what happens is we start to feel safer. And the safer we feel, the more willing and easy it does. Easy it is for us to take bold Action. So all of these things I teach guys, at first they're like, oh, that sounds kind of woo woo, or whatever. But the truth is, you do these things, you will make more money, you will have a better relationship, people will trust you more, your health will get better. It's incredibly effective. And once guys start realizing that, then they, they jump. All aboard.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: Wow. All right. This show is called Becoming, as you know. So in this exact moment of your journey, what are you currently becoming? And what does that word mean to you today?
Jason Lange: Yeah, becoming, I think is. It's a great word. And it's actually, you know, part of what I believe in terms of my brand, Evolutionary Men, which is this idea that, you know, a lot of people try to sell us this thing of, hey, just go back to the past, right? It was better, better in the past. This is what a man used to be. And it's been diluted. And, you know, they're just selling lies at this point because there's, there is no going back. There's only a path of going forward. And the path forward for men is to take all the gifts, all of the, the good strengths of this kind of old school masculinity so many of us were taught, but also just add to it, right? And we actually become more. We get to have all the power and directiveness and providership that so many of us were raised as a vision of masculinity, but we get to add more, which means we get to be attuned and grounded and present and emotionally available and learn how to handle our emotions and communicate in effective ways. So we're all, you know, men and women alike. But I focus on men just being asked to become more, both as men and as individuals, right. We're all raised in a certain context and family and culture, and most people have two paths where they just kind of blindly follow that path and become, you know, how they were raised, or we choose the path of growth. That's like, hey, wow. There were things in my life from my family, from my childhood, from my culture, from my choices that I are hard, but that doesn't mean I have to only live that way. And I can choose the growth oriented life, which is, hey, I'm going to try to become more and more and more. So my journey is continually that of becoming, becoming an entrepreneur, becoming a father, becoming a husband, becoming a leader of men, and more importantly than anything else, just becoming the most whole and healthy version of myself. And that continues, you know, every day. I teach and work with other men. I'm continually learning about what my own blind spots are and how to become a better, more present and loving man. So my journey, in a lot of ways, has just started.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: Well, that's very beautiful and totally written for you. So for the listeners who are ready to step out of their own man box or engage with your work, we at tande find you. And what projects are you currently most excited about?
Jason Lange: Sure, yeah. If you're interested and, you know, want to hear more about what I'm talking about, you can Visit my website, evolutionary.men. so it's not dot com, it's dot men. And on there, I've got a podcast, blogs, programs, everything you could ever want to know, essentially, about men's work, men's growth, and in particular, men's groups. And what I would say is, you know, whether you go down getting support from someone like me, go down going down that path, the most important thing men can do these days is just don't wait, right? Don't wait for a crisis. There's almost certainly a man you know in your life who you have an intuition you could probably connect more deeply with and be the one to set that up. Right? Reach out, say, hey, you want to go for a walk, you want to grab a coffee, you want to grab a drink? And then don't just talk about stuff, sports, politics, cars. Right? Go a little deeper. How are you feeling? What's going on in your life? What's hard? What are you wanting? And what we find is when we go deeper under the surface with other men, how connected and alive we feel goes up. And you can start that now just by reaching out to another man in your life.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: That's great. Jason, thank you so much for being so candid. You've reminded us that the strongest in a person can do is so stop hiding. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us today on becoming.
Jason Lange: So glad to be here. Thank you so much.
Precious: The Journey of Personal Growth And Reinvention: All right. To our listeners, I hope this conversation gives you the permission to speak, to seek community, and also to trace the lone world life for something much deeper. Until next time, keep becoming. Bye.
