My Early Years with Pornography
I started using porn in what was probably a fairly typical way for my generation, caught right at the transition between physical magazines and digital access. When I was young, hanging out with kids slightly older than me meant raiding someone's dad's Playboy stash. But by the time I became a teenager, the internet and broadband were taking off. I came of age with easy access to digital pornography.
For context, I was a very late bloomer. I didn't kiss a girl until college, didn't have sex until well into my twenties. I was pretty locked up when it came to relating to women for many reasons rooted in my childhood and general way of being in the world. Porn became something I got hooked on early because it was instant, available, and exciting.
Looking back, porn became my sexual education in ways that our pretty subpar Midwestern sex ed never addressed. School sex ed was mostly hand drawings of anatomy and basic mechanics. But what porn really provided was something else entirely.
Porn as Self-Regulation
What I came to understand is that porn wasn't primarily about sexuality for me. It was a way to numb out and regulate high levels of stress, uncertainty, and discomfort that I think many men experience. There were times in my early twenties when I'd go on marathons, six to eight hours of downloading and watching content. Not masturbating the entire time, but significant investments of time, often late at night, which would exhaust me for the next day.
As I moved from school into my twenties and the working world, porn became my go-to method for coming down after really long, hard days. Whether I was web coding or working on film sets, I'd use it to transition from that wired, tired state you get when you're running on stress hormones all day.
Using it to regulate meant whatever was going on in my life, I knew I could create this window and have this experience. It was like having control over the state in my body. If I'd had a difficult day, or something didn't go right with a woman, or I was feeling anxious from too much work, porn became a way to change what I was experiencing.
Instead of feeling whatever difficult emotion was present, I had this instant way to create different sensations and then shut down my nervous system enough to fall asleep.
Recognizing the Real Problem
At that age, I probably wouldn't have used the word "addicted," but I was definitely investing significant time and would have preferred to be with actual partners. It wasn't the optimal experience I wanted to be having in the world.
The real wake-up call came later when I got into relationships in my mid to late twenties and noticed I was still using porn regularly. I had a partner I could have sex with, yet I was still reaching for pornography. That's when I started to become more aware of the actual impact this was having.
As I got older and didn't have that abundance of youthful energy anymore, I really started noticing the costs. Not just the act of ejaculation itself, but particularly the pattern I'd gotten into of staying up late and what that was doing to my health and wellbeing. I might work hard all day and actually be exhausted when I got home, but this pattern of reward and release was so ingrained that I'd stay up an extra two or three hours. That was precious sleep I was giving up for nothing that brought me any real rejuvenation.
The pattern became a constant presence even when I was in relationships. That's when I realized something deeper was happening that I needed to address.
The Year Everything Changed
The real shift came during a period between two major relationships, before I met my wife and after splitting up with my previous partner. I was in a very unhealthy place overall. Not physically fit, not sleeping well, not exercising, using porn regularly. When that relationship ended, like it is for many men at transition points, I had this moment of "okay, I'm going to change my life."
I decided to go cold turkey while simultaneously filling my life with other meaningful activities. That year became my massive transformation year, and I got very disciplined with several practices.
I started creative writing every morning. I went to the gym five days a week. I meditated every morning. I joined a men's group. I was leading co-ed authentic relating events. My life became very full in a new way. I had community through my gym, through my coffee shop, through authentic relating events, through my men's group.
The key shift was committing to getting up and meditating every morning at 6:30am. To do that successfully, I had to go to bed on time. Staying committed to that early morning practice shifted how my whole day went and supported me going to bed early and being well-rested.
What Actually Works: Replacing Numbing with Nourishment
In my experience working with men around this topic, the focus isn't anti-porn. I find the broader category of self-soothing and regulation is what matters. We all have strategies and mechanisms for regulating our emotional and energetic states. There's a whole spectrum from healthy to unhealthy, and most people I've met, particularly men, are on the less healthy side of porn use.
Part of why I turned to porn was because I didn't have a well-regulated, grounded nervous system that had learned to self-soothe growing up. I had a gaping hole in my upbringing when it came to comfort, connection, and regulation. I didn't know how to manage difficult emotional states in healthy ways.
Porn was one of the first tools I found that allowed me to bring some control and regulation to my moods and states, even though it was ultimately an unhealthy way to do it.
What shifted for me was replacing that numbed-out strategy with things that were actually nourishing my body. I started eating much healthier. I was doing plant medicine work and other practices to get more into my body and feel more grounded in myself. These weren't just allowing me to numb out temporarily, they were actually building capacity in my nervous system.
The Energetic and Relational Costs
What many men experience is the energetic cost of regular porn use, especially when combined with staying up late and disrupted sleep patterns. That tired and wired feeling, where you're both exhausted and overstimulated, can become a chronic state that affects everything in your life.
When I was using porn regularly, I noticed I'd make less eye contact in the world afterward. There was something about the shame cycle and the energetic depletion that affected my presence with other people. I wasn't being present as the grounded, connected man I wanted to be.
In relationships, porn use can create a disconnect from your actual partner. You're getting your sexual needs met through fantasy rather than working through the vulnerability and communication required for satisfying partnered sex.
Moving Forward: What I've Learned
The transformation wasn't just about quitting porn. It was about building a life so full of meaningful connection, creative expression, physical vitality, and spiritual practice that I didn't need to turn to numbing strategies.
I filled the space that porn occupied with:
- Daily meditation and embodiment practices
- Regular physical exercise that connected me to my body
- Creative expression through writing
- Deep male friendships and men's group work
- Community involvement
- Structured sleep hygiene
The key insight is that porn often fills a legitimate need for regulation, pleasure, and connection, but in a way that ultimately depletes rather than nourishes us. The solution isn't just removing porn, it's building genuine sources of these things in your life.
If you're struggling with porn use, consider what you're really seeking through it. Is it stress relief? Pleasure? Control over your emotional state? Connection? Then ask yourself: what would be a more nourishing way to meet that same need?
The process of moving away from porn taught me something fundamental about masculine development. We need to learn how to regulate our nervous systems in healthy ways, build genuine intimacy, and create lives full of meaning and connection. When we do that work, compulsive behaviors naturally fall away because we're getting our real needs met. You might consider what practices would actually nourish you at the deepest level, and notice what happens when you begin to experiment with them.
This conversation originally aired on the Dear Men podcast with Melanie Curtin. Listen to the full episode.
