Most men think porn is about pleasure, but here's what I discovered after years of struggling with it myself: it's actually a regulation tool, a way to numb out and avoid the uncomfortable realities of life. I shared this insight during my conversation with Melanie Curtin on her podcast Dear Men, where we dove deep into what porn use actually costs men and why so many of us get trapped in patterns that have nothing to do with sexual satisfaction.
We talked about how porn becomes less about pleasure and more about regulation. For me, it was the go-to tool for numbing out, managing stress, changing the channel when life felt uncomfortable. I'd stay up late for hours, foregoing sleep I desperately needed, just to get that hit of relief. The real wake-up came when I was in relationships and still reaching for porn, realizing something deeper was going on.
What shifted for me was filling my life with actual nourishment instead of numbing. That year I made massive changes, meditating every morning, hitting the gym five days a week, writing, men's group, building real community. I also did a no-release practice, went five months at one point, and honestly felt unstoppable. The energy and presence that came back was incredible. It directly led me to meeting my wife.
The thing is, when you stop dispersing all that energy through porn and constant release, it actually demands something of you. It builds heat in the kettle. That fire has to go somewhere, and the proper expression is creativity, action, showing up in your life differently. For a lot of men, myself included, porn was a way to avoid that demand, to keep sheltering from the world.
Melanie and I also got into the nervous system piece, why this matters for regulation, and how it impacts everything from eye contact to actually getting out there and meeting women. If you're curious about this work or want support around it, check out what we do at evolutionarymen.com.
