You Attract Your Reciprocal

All right. Welcome back. So today I want to talk about one of the most motivating factors I found for men to change.

And this is one that's sourced very deeply in my own life and my own experience, and that's pain around intimacy and relationships. So my own journey into men's groups, men's work, personal growth and development, and therapy, and all of it started because I had no idea how to connect with women. It was incredibly painful for me.

Felt awkward, sweaty in my body, didn't know how to talk, didn't know how to share my desire, and. And as a result, was a very late bloomer. Didn't lose my virginity till my mid to late 20s and didn't have many of the experiences I was yearning for as a young man. And I felt a lot of shame and loneliness because of that. However, that pain, what got me to actually change my life.

And it's one of the main things I've seen that will actually wake men up to take action and make change in their lives, too. And that's one of the main reasons these last couple years, I've been focusing on helping men with dating and relationships in the intensive coaching program I run, Pillars of Presence. Now, the thing about that, the thing about making change so we can create the types of relational experiences we want with whoever we're attracted to, men or women.

I mostly help guys who are attracted to women, because that's what I know. But a lot of what we teach works for everyone. And a lot of what we teach comes down to one somewhat challenging and important fact, and that's you attract your reciprocal. That's right. You attract your reciprocal.

So what does that mean, and what does that have to do with inner work? Well, first, a lot of the work I do and a lot of the work I've trained in that's pretty popular these days is around polarity, this idea of how we attract a partner and how sexual energy in particular is created. And a lot of that work focuses on polarity via difference, right?

So the idea that, like magnets, we have positive and negative ends, so to speak. And if we have two of the same ends, they kind of push each other apart. But if we have two of different ends, attraction occurs. The magnets get pulled Together. And in that style of polarity work the magnets, so to speak. The ends are masculine and feminine energy, or yin and yang, or agency and communion, or as I like to put it, feeling in perspective, life and death.

There's so many different ways this energy is expressed, and they're not just based on gender or sexual identity. Right. These are primal energies of the universe that manifest in all kinds of ways that then get loaded up with cultural contexts, but are actual powerful energies we can learn to bring into relationships. And that's something we'll definitely be exploring throughout this podcast, as I explore with many men. But there's another kind of polarity, and that's what we're going to talk about today.

And strangely enough, that's a polarity of resonance. And what I mean by that is, yes, you attract your reciprocal meaning. We tend to attract partners who are around the same level of wholeness as we are. And what I mean by wholeness is where we're at on our journey of growth, transformation, and healing.

So you can think of your mind, your body, and your heart all together is a kind of instrument. And that instrument is constantly making music. It's making a tone. You're sending out a tone, a signal into the universe. That tone will tend to attract a similar tone. If your body, heart and mind are fractured, traumatized, full of tension, codependent, you'll tend to attract partners who resonate in some capacity to that.

This is a big one, particularly for people who have backgrounds or have come from backgrounds of trauma, addiction or abuse. We'll see, like we've talked about before, that when we come from those types of intense backgrounds, our nervous systems are conditioned to experience love and safety within a certain spectrum. And until we've done our inner work to heal, that will keep attracting partners who live in that same spectrum and have that same experience.

So this is where we'll often see partners with sexual trauma attracted to each other, or physical trauma attracted to each other, or emotional trauma attracted to each other, or addictions attracted to each other. There's the same frequency or tone around those energies. When there's parts of ourselves that we haven't yet integrated or healed will tend to attract partners who are resonating with those unintegrated, unhealed parts.

As we begin to do the work of inner growth, transformation in healing through things like therapy, men's groups, coaching, psychedelics, meditation, all the different modalities in the world, we move towards more and more wholeness in ourselves, more and more oneness with the different parts of ourselves.

Now, what I found is wholeness attracts wholeness. That's right. Wholeness attracts wholeness. So if you look back at your life and have noticed a pattern of the types of partners you've been attracting or the types of relationships you've gotten into, you may see this starting to manifest.

Now, a lot of dating and relationship coaches, and at the extreme end, the pickup scene, will have people focus on things on the outside to try to change that, right? How they dress, how they look, their communication style, all those different external shifts, but those won't create this wholeness on the inside to completely attract a different partner for you to send out a different signal or different tone to be met by someone else who's also done that inner work, who's also already feeling somewhat whole and complete in themselves.

If there's a part of you that feels like it needs relationship to be okay, you're gonna keep attracting partners who have a part of them that feel like they're only gonna be okay in relationship. It's the root of a lot of different types of codependency versus, as we do this work and come to wholeness, I feel good already, and it's from this place.

I want to create something new in relationship together so I can express my wholeness with my partner, not fill an incomplete need. Now, this is an important idea because it shifts responsibility away from what's wrong with the people we're trying to get into relationship or are attracted to oftentimes back to us.

If something keeps happening over and over again, you're the main constant. So there's something for you to look at about how you're approaching your life, about your past, about your traumas, about your beliefs around relationship. If you want to attract a different kind of partner, you have to become a different person. That transformation starts from the inside out.

No one else can do that for you. No one else can do your healing work for you, can do your growth work for you. No partner, not the hottest woman in the world. You have to own that. You have to take responsibility for that. And you have to be conscious more and more of what signal you're putting out into the world.

What are you carrying in your body, your heart, and your mind? Because you are already sending out a certain type of signal, and you are being met by other people who resonate with that signal, whether you want to believe it or not. So if you keep attracting flaky, unavailable people, there's some part of you that's not yet available, that doesn't yet feel Safe to be in relationship that needs to do some work, that needs to be reintegrated and that needs to do some healing.

Or if you keep attracting partners who are chaotic or unstable, there's something inside of you that doesn't yet know how to hold itself and trust and feel safe in its own experience. You're constantly putting out a signal to the universe through your mere presence about what you're available for.

And the more intense your traumas or backgrounds, the more you'll see this show up over and over and over again. And it won't change until you've done the inner healing work, the the inner growth work to transform that. You have to go inside, you have to become aware, and then you have to actually practice showing up in the world in a different way.

Through your body, through your heart, and through your mind. The more you can move towards wholeness before you get into relationship, the more you're going to attract a partner who's already there as well. Wholeness is attracted to wholeness. If you want a partner who can take care of themselves, man or woman is emotionally stable, funny, easy to be around, relaxed in their life, you have to do the work to get there yourself.

If your life is chaos, you're going to keep attracting partners who are in chaos. The more relaxed and complete you can already feel in your body from moment to moment, the easier it's going to be to pull in a partner who does the same. And this isn't just woo woo. The very fact that you get onto this path to do this inner work means you're going to be spending time and in community with other people who do the same.

And lo and behold, that has an impact on who you meet and who gets pulled into your field in life. You can't just keep going to the same places and hope to have a different experience. You can't just keep doing the same thing over and over and over and hope you'll attract a completely different partner. You've got to change how you're showing up in the world. You've got to take a hard look at what parts of you are laying in shadow, or are unavailable, or are trying to find completion in a current relationship.

With the traumas that were created in your nervous system when you were young, only you can do that. Takes coaching, takes therapy, takes group work, takes physical practice, takes emotional practice, takes spiritual practice. But as you do that, you will start to find yourself attracted to and attracting different people.

People who are doing the same, people who are at that frequency, at that level at that depth, at that wholeness you attract your reciprocal what signal, what tone are you putting out in the world? You have to become conscious of that and you have to take responsibility for that.

If you want some help changing your dating and relationship life forever, get in touch. You can watch my free training at Evolutionary Men webinar. And then if you want to do my intensive coaching men's group program, book a call with me at Evolutionary Men. Apply and move towards wholeness and change who you're attracting forever.