Why You’re Stuck as a Man

Alright, and welcome back. So, on this episode, I want to talk about why I think you're stuck as a man. And it really comes down to two energetic moves that I see men making over and over that when combined keep us locked into place and feeling totally stuck in life. The first one.

Is one I've talked about before, and is really the result of so much of default masculine culture. The manbox, the patriarchy, whatever you want to call it. And it's really this idea of I gotta keep it all in. So just feel the energy of that for a second. There's things inside of me, but rather than them coming up and out, I hold them in.

Most often for us men, because we think that's gonna make us tougher and more of a man. And we don't want to burden other people with our weak emotions. But sometimes that's also just because we don't really know what's going on inside of us, let alone, okay, how do I move it? How do I get it out?

And so instead it kind of just sits there like a lump of rotting food deep in our gut, making us sick, sicker, and sicker over time, right? Actually taking energetic resource while it's inside of us, while we hold it in. It's like resisting a purge, resisting throwing up. It actually makes it way, way worse.

But most of us guys from a young age are taught to do this. Whatever's going on inside, disconnect from it, stuff it down, numb it out, be strong, don't be weak, right? And so we'll often actively be holding things inside. Literally with our body sometimes, and the way we hold tension in our nervous systems.

Absolutely with our emotions and feeling. my god, my god, I can feel a little grief coming up. Nope. Lock it down. But for many of us, could also be anger, could be shame, and absolutely could also be our fear. And so when all that starts happening, we doubly lock it down by withholding in all kinds of different areas of our lives.

our intimate relationships with our kids, with our bosses or employees, and yeah, sometimes even just withholding from ourselves. So not speaking our truth in the moment, something that us nice guys do a lot in particular.

Right, disconnecting from that strong impulse or sensation inside, and instead just leaving it locked in there. Now, the problem with holding it all in is it takes energy and it dysregulates us. It actually makes us feel worse. So the challenge we have as men in our culture.

When we don't know there's another way, we try to self-medicate. That's it. There's pain inside of me. I don't want to let it out. I don't have anyone I can trust to let it out. And I'm afraid of letting it out sometimes. It could be a mix of all those things. So rather than that, I'm going to medicate away my pain. Medication for us men and our pain comes in many different forms.

It can be alcohol, probably the biggest one that's acceptable in our culture. And while doing it, you're still considered a man. More and more, it's weed and marijuana, where literally, what do we say? I'm getting high. So I'm getting up and above the experience inside of me. I'm getting away from it.

For me, it was porn and masturbation. Anything to feel something different than the bad stuff inside me. Excitement, pleasure, etc. Video games, another one I've done. Movies, TV shows, binging things, often points to we're holding something inside we're not yet ready or able to confront. And so we want to disperse it.

Numb out that feeling or replace it with a stronger one. We want to medicate it, right? What's the way most medicines work? Do they actually remove the pain? No. They remove our capacity to feel it. The pain, the disease, the injury, it's still there. We're just numb to it.

And that is the primary reason of all the men I've worked with, including my own journey, we medicate. We are in pain and we don't know another way how to deal with it. Because we are taught from a very young age, ding ding ding, to hold it in so that we're considered being, we're considered a man, right? So here we are.

We're holding it in, holding it in, holding it in, holding that pain in. Okay, yeah, that that sucks. That that makes us feel stuck in some regard. But here's where the other energetic move comes in that I think really makes us stuck. So we're in some kind of pain. Things aren't going well. We don't feel well. We have an emotional or a physical injury of some kind. We're holding it in.

And then guess what? When we're in pain, no matter how hard we try to hide it, attuned people around us, they're gonna notice. They notice. And so they are gonna move toward us, trying to help. Boom.

All that machismo, all of that man box bullshit comes up. I don't need any help. I'm fine. Right? Boom. There it is. What is that energetic move? It's keeping support and others out. I'm gonna keep you out because a

I'm afraid of the pain I have inside me. And in fact, I don't want to burden you with that pain. You're having a good day. Why would I want to share my bad day stuff with you? I'm going to drag you down. This is the stuff I hear from guys all the time in groups. I don't want to be a burden to you with my dark or negative feelings. But what that is, is that's pushing, it's actually keeping you out.

It's keeping help, it's keeping support, it's keeping connection out. And all of those things are things that can help us deal with the pain inside. And that right there is the crux of it. Those two moves together. I'm holding it all in and I'm keeping others out. That narrow space in between is all the room we have.

And that is where I'm more and more convinced so many men are stuck. They're stuck in that very compressed in-between position, holding it all in, spending that energy, and I'm putting up a barrier to keep you out. I'm holding you out, holding myself in, holding you out, holding myself in.

The feeling of that is there's actually a lot of energy. There's a lot, a lot of energy there. But the problem is it's going directly in resistance to both things at once. So it feels like there's no movement, and we feel, as men, completely stuck in our lives.

I can't possibly let this pain out. I cannot even possibly, part of what I mean by holding it in is allow myself to actually make contact, make full contact, and feel the pain I'm in. And then simultaneously, I sure as shit don't want you to make contact with that. I don't want to admit I need help or

Be in some kind of vulnerable place. So I'm gonna do everything I can to keep you out. So there's a lot of energy put into resistance. And when we put energy into resistance, it looks like nothing's happening. That is what stuck is. The path out is twofold.

And ding ding ding. If you're a longtime listener of this podcast, you're not gonna be surprised, but by what I say is one move that can start to work both of those and actually allow the energy to flow and move so you are not stuck. It's getting into strong male community.

AKA a men's group. That's right. In a men's group, we are creating a space for ourselves to let what we're feeling up and out. That's it. We're letting what we're feeling actually up and move out of our bodies in whatever way it needs to be. Often

Just touching and feeling the emotion in its entirety, making full contact, is what allows it to start to move and transmute and metabolize out of us in some different kind of way. So the group is giving us a space to do that, but then.

It's relational. Yes, there's other men. So what we allow that, what we allow to happen when we allow ourselves to feel and not hold it all in is we're actually giving the pathway to allow connection to come towards us. So by feeling ourselves unguarded in a social situation, we're letting

Others in. So we're letting the emotion out and we're letting support and connection in. And when those two things start flowing, you will not feel stuck anymore as a man. Your problems are not going to be magically solved. That's not what I'm saying here. But you will not feel stuck.

You will feel a sense of movement inside yourself and in your life, and you will actually feel support coming your way, allowing it in. And men who can do these two things to stop holding it in, letting their inner world, their thoughts, and particularly their feelings and emotions be felt and come up and out.

And who drop the guarded boundary and actually let support, connection, and attention in, aka, they can receive men who can do those two things become more resilient, more powerful, more energized, and far more able to actually be present in their lives.

How do I know this? It's the journey I've been on for 20 years now, and that I've been guiding other men on for almost a decade now. And I can tell you, I've worked with hundreds and hundreds of men at this point, and it works. It absolutely works. When we start getting into circles and community with other men, where we allow ourselves to feel.

And we allow ourselves to be felt so connection and support can come in, so we stop pushing everyone away. Lives change, things start to flow, and more than anything else, we don't feel stuck. And our vitality and energy goes through the roof. And then in the process of that, all that patterning, conditioning.

Self-judgment, our inner critic, it all gets blown up. And in its space, a new type of identity can start to form. An identity where it's often I was not trained or given the tools I need to succeed emotionally as a man. Boom. Really important. And I need help. It's okay to ask for help.

Right.

We start to allow that to flow. I've it's not so much I fucked up and I'm a horrible person who can't do anything right. I just maybe never had the right support system around me. I've seen this change men's lives. Again, they get a little bit of training about how to work with what's inside so they're not so afraid of it. And then they get in a supportive container. Let me be clear here: support doesn't always mean safe in the sense of you're not.

To be triggered or upset or get feedback that's hard for you. I mean support in the sense of men who are actually tracking you and give a shit about what you're feeling and how you're showing up in your life. Support is that it's someone who's tracking you, who notices what's happening inside you and what's happening in your life, and who you've revealed to.

who you want to be and what kind of life you want to lead. This is one of the most important ingredients of men's groups that I've really noticed lately that that kind of feedback, it's not about what another man thinks is best for you. That's all projection. Where

A group becomes so vital and important and incredibly powerful is when I reveal my vision for my life, who I think I can be, who I want to be, what I am moving towards, right? Where it's all going. When I reveal that, what the men reflect to me is when I am missing the mark I have set for myself. That's it.

That's really the power of a group. And I've seen this time and time again where self-judgment, shame, a fierce inner critic that will not budge, what starts to change that is when a man realizes I didn't get the training and nourishment I needed, and I haven't had the right support around me. And when we start to implement those two things.

A man's identity gets to reform because he's no longer stuck. He's no longer holding it in. He's no longer holding everyone out. Energy and life starts to move. It does not always go perfectly. You will still have hardship. You will still make mistakes. You'll eat shit. You'll fall down hard on your face. You'll share something incredibly vulnerable, and it won't be met. But guess what?

That's all okay. And that is all not being stuck. And even when things don't go right for you, you will be held in this container of love by other men. And that connection makes it safe for us to feel more.

And as we feel safe and feel more, we reveal more, which then brings in more connection and it has more people connecting to us. And this becomes an incredibly potent circuit that is at the root of how a men's group can absolutely change your life. If you are ready to get unstuck,

And I mean it, to stop holding it all in and to stop holding everyone out. And you want to try something different in your life.

Please go to heartofshadow.com and check out our powerful Shadow Work Men's Group and Retreat that I run with my good friend Dr. Luke Adler, who I am in a Shadow Work Men's Group with. This is part of why we created it, because it's the thing that changed our lives so much. And in this space, we're gonna lead you through a really potent process where you get to get really clear about what you're feeling inside and what you.

You've been repressing or suppressing or haven't even been aware of. You will become intimate with your pain. And you will be seen in the process of doing so. And you will see other men in their process of becoming intimate with their pain. And that creates an incredible amount of connection.

And you will be part of a living system and circuit we have seen time and time again now, where you will learn and have the bodily experience of when I go first and reveal what I'm feeling. That is a gift to the other men in my group because it connects them to me and it helps them feel safer and braver to do their version of that.

And so in the going first or the revealing or being willing to go into my darkness, go into my pain, go into my shadow, I make it easier for other men to do that in service. And when we're all doing that, boom, we can go deep in a way I have never been able to do without a powerful group. It's an accelerator for all the transformation you want. It's an accelerator for all the change.

And the ability to get unstuck. So if you're feeling stuck as a man, do your audit. What are you holding inside? And where in your life are you keeping and holding connection, support, and other people out? It may be quite an illuminating and painful list. And if you want to change that,

Just come over to heartofshadow.com and I hope to work with you in person. All right, until next time.