Who Holds Your Story?

All right. And welcome back. So, on today's episode, I want to kind of pose a question for you and talk about something that's really been on my mind recently, and that's who holds your story with you.

What I mean by that is, who in your life is connected to and knows the details of that inner and outer journey that you've been on in your life? So Rene Brown, who wrote some of the most powerful books on vulnerability, talks about this in that people have to earn the right to know our story, to really hold our story, to get the details of our vulnerabilities and mistakes and truths, and to be connected to us in that space.

And I've been thinking a lot about this power of who holds your story, particularly when it comes to growth. Right. Previous episodes, I've talked about the journey of growth and the sometimes winding, nonlinear path it can happen on. Now, for a lot of men, there's not a lot of people in their life that hold their story, because for many of us men, we are trained to not be vulnerable, to not reveal, to not be connected to our bodies because we'll be attacked for it, we'll be attacked for emotionality, we'll be attacked as being weak, we'll be made fun of or bullied in so much masculine culture, in particular, when we're growing up.

And so that kind of trains us to hold things close to the chest and helps create that lone wolf dynamic that so many of us have been plagued by. But instead, as we learn to become more vulnerable and get connected to the right type of people in our life, we get to start to share our story. Other people get to start to hear it, know the nuance of it, to know the range of it.

And when other people are present with us, attuned to us, that we trust and feel safe with, that's kind of what I mean by they can hold that story with us. Right? It's really just the act of being seen and known. And if you know me, there's two areas I often talk about on this podcast where I think it can be really profound and impactful to have that story be held. So one is by other men, specifically in men's groups, right.

When we have a group of men that we're meeting with in a conscious container. Over time, those men get to know us. They get to know the nuances of our story, and they can hold it with us in a way almost no one else can. Meaning we might have an experience, a breakup, a family loss, something change in our occupation or job, that without us even having to say anything, they're going to feel the deeper ramifications of that in our life because they know our story.

They're connected to it. They know what moments I've survived in the past or moved through or hurts and wounds that have accumulated. And so they can be present with us in a different way because they're connected to that part of us that experienced all of that previously. You know, it's one of the really amazing things I've experienced in the groups I've been a part of and the groups I've led is seeing what happens with men when they start to have that foundation of other guys who can hold their story, who know the journey they've been on, who see them deeply for all the hardship, all the celebrations, all the failures, all the moments of being lost along the way.

And they can reflect that in how they're present and what that does for us as men when we have other men who can hold our story, who know what we've been through and can oftentimes help us even realize what we've been through. You know, doing this work for many years now, one of the things that continues to shock me the most is how powerful and easy it is for us guys to normalize the craziest, most painful things, right?

We just don't know anything else. So we survive through whatever abuse, neglect, terrible relationships, and we just kind of normalize it. And it's not until other men really get to know us in groups that oftentimes we can start to kind of see the matrix of, wow, that really was messed up, I did have it really hard, or that really was a big challenge. No wonder why I've been struggling or been hurting or been cut off.

Other men who can know us and know our story can help peel away the layers of that and help us feel the truth of often what we've actually experienced in life. There's just such a deep power to having a cohort of guys who know what we've been through, who can see the ebb and flow of our journey, and literally, in holding that story, hold us through it.

Of my journey, my story, of our coupledom, its journey, its story. And me for her right. And when I think about the times in my life I didn't have that, I can really feel what a hard impact that was on me and my well being. And as I've navigated and grown over these last years and decades, building these deep connections with men's groups, building this deep marriage and relationship with my wife, my story is being held in ways it never has before.

And that allows me to relax in some kind of just unnamable, powerful way that I'm known, I'm seen, I'm appreciated, I'm attuned to. And there are people that can get me, whether it's the men in my group or my wife, oftentimes without me having to say a word. Because they know me, they know my story, they know the path I had to take to get here.

And it's such a powerful medicine, such a powerful medicine because without that, so easy to feel alone, so easy to feel like no one gets us, so easy to feel like we don't matter. But when we start to build that connection, build that knowing with someone else whose story we hold and who holds our story, it creates a bond, creates an intimacy, whether it's friendly with the men in our group or passionate and sexual with our life partner.

And so I wonder who holds your story? If you take a moment here to really feel into that, who gets the totality of you and everything you've experienced that have led you to this moment in your life? My hope is you can name some people, maybe your intimate partner, maybe some close friends. Yeah, maybe even just a therapist. If you can't, it's definitely time to make a big shift and try something else.

Or if you can, but there's still some blank areas, some areas you haven't gone with your wife or with your closest friends. It might be time to consider revealing more, letting them see and get you and know you more, to hold these parts of you. It can be pretty brutal trying to hold that all by ourselves. You know, in the program I run for guys, it is one of the most powerful things we do, and my favorite things we do, where we create an actual practice to help men hold each other's stories, to help men learn to tell their stories and to see what happens for guys in their nervous systems when safe, attuned people are present and listening.

And just with them as they share about some of the most impactful moments in their life, is so incredible. It's like years of weight and tension can often be lifted in moments. Relief, freedom, love, these things start to flow in almost instantaneously, as guys share about sometimes things they've never told anyone else on the planet. And getting to hold the story of men, particularly men I work with, is one of the great privileges and most exciting things I get to do.

Such a deep honor to be one of the people that knows what a man's been through and knows the significance of the celebrations or challenges that come up along the way with our work together. So if you're ready to have someone hold your story and get connected to a profound group of men and learn the tools to attract the right partner that can hold your story as well, it's time to get in touch.

Watch my free Training for Guys Around Dating and Relationships at Evolutionary Men Webinar. Follow the instructions at the end and get in touch. Until next time.