Two Things Every Man Craves & Needs

All right, and welcome back. So on today's episode, I want to talk about two things that every man craves and needs and how you can get those from joining a men's group.

So the two things I want to dial into are purpose and belonging. I've talked a lot about purpose on this podcast before, but purpose is really this idea that my presence matters, right? My being here is having some kind of impact on the world, on other people, that's changing it in some capacity for the better.

And when we aren't sure that our presence is doing that as men, we tend to get depressed and we tend to withdraw and we tend to feel incomplete and un alive. Having a purpose doesn't necessarily, as I've talked about, mean we have some huge mythic job that makes us a lot of money, that is our deepest passion in life. But it does mean we are connected to that felt body sense of my presence matters in the world, in the day to day, in this life.

And there's a feeling of going somewhere with that, right? Taking my energy, I'm taking my presence and I'm directing it towards some kind of net good or service of some kind in the world. And far too many men are lacking that these days. The truth is we often kind of step onto the escalator of life, right? You're supposed to do this, this and this, and you're going to be happy.

But a lot of men never take that pause to really connect to where can I have a deep impact that's meaningful to me, that is additive to the world, that is some kind of service to me. And when we don't have that as men, we do suffer. I see it all the time with guys I work with now. One of the great things about joining a men's group is it can be a very visceral type of purpose in life.

I just wrapped another shadow work retreat. I lead groups all the time. I'm in part of groups myself. And I can tell you with a good group, it really matters who shows up. And the fact that we as individuals show up in that group deeply impacts the other men in the group. We never know when our presence, our guidance, our support, or even our own revealing is going to be of deep service to the Other men in the group.

This is such a key thing I see in the shadow work, where oftentimes it's one man's bravery to open up and go to some shadowy place and do some inner work that actually makes it possible for another man to step in there with more ease and realize, hey, I'm not alone. Having a small, strong group of men who you meet regularly with is one way to really cultivate some purpose. Because if you're not there, it will be felt in the group.

The absence of your presence will be felt because your presence does have an impact, has an impact on the other men. It has an impact on the group as a collective. And this is a much easier strategy than a lot of guys think about, which is, oh, I got to go sit in a dark cave for two weeks, not move until I have some grand vision of how I'm going to make money and change the world. We can start much, much smaller.

And we can do that by joining a group where our presence and conversely our absence significantly impact the quality group and the other men in it. So that's number one purpose, right? Men crave having purpose. And when we are locked in, in that sense of I can feel that my presence in the world matters. It impacts things. It makes a difference in some capacity that tends to light us up and free us and generate a tremendous amount of energy for us and helps us relax and feel slotted into life.

Okay, I'm going somewhere. Even if that somewhere is I'm dropping in with my group once or twice a month, and there, if I'm not there, it actually does impact the group, it will be felt by the other men. And my absence might mean another man can't step into his full self, feeling, expression, etc. The other one, so we can think of purpose, in a sense, is a direction going out, right?

I am impacting my environment. The other one I mentioned is belonging, right? We want to feel part of something. And obviously these two start to interact in some pretty interesting ways. But focusing on them as two separate energies here, belonging is when energy is coming with us, towards us, right? I belong to this group, meaning I am one with them, right?

Again, my presence matters here, and I feel part of a collective, right? We can be on purpose in life, having an impact, but not feel connected per se. Belonging is just another way to talk about connection. So if I belong to a group, I feel connected and part of something. And way too many men these days, many of whom end up coming to work with me, feel far too isolated, like they're not part of anything.

A lot of our traditional social structures that supported feelings of belonging have evaporated and are falling apart. And we're having to reconstitute and create new types of social units to have this deep sense of belonging. And again, a men's group is a place you can easily cultivate that sense of belonging to, particularly a group you stay with. Over time, as they get to know you more, you get to know them more, intimacy builds up and you move through experiences together as a group.

And that often creates a very profound, deep sense of connection and thus belonging. Okay, this group, this is my home. This group, this is my family. This group, this group, this is my tribe. There's nothing I can't bring here that isn't going to be met with love. Just the MO of a very good and powerful men's group. It's not to say you're not going to get challenge or feedback, but it's coming from a place of care, not from a place of attack and shame.

When we have both of those things firing, lo and behold, what I've seen and experienced is we come alive as men. We have a sense of directionality about where my presence is impacting the world, which can happen right there in the group. And we have a sense of belonging, meaning I'm part of something, right? I am connected to, I am seen. I see the participants in the group as well.

I'm not alone, I am connected. When those two medicines are at play for men, life becomes a lot more enjoyable, a lot less tense and a lot less stress filled. And when we don't have those things, the nutritious whole versions of those, we will try to fill those voids in different ways. And I think this is part of what we're seeing is swallowing up so many people when their sense of belonging has shifted from actual strong tie connections and networks to virtual identities and in and out groups which then make it much easier to attack each other.

I'm very convinced. And one of the reasons the mission of my organization, Evolutionary Men is for every man to be an immense group is that with the right type of belonging and purpose, men become more free in the world. And when they don't have it, they actually become more open to manipulation. Because there's a craving, a deep craving for both of these things inside. It's an actual need. And if we can't find it or don't know how to create it, other people can manipulate that to try to create the experience of that inside of us.

Right? That can give us the empty calories versions of that. And far too many men these days are falling prey to that. What I'm talking about with something as simple as joining a peer to peer men's group is you can get the nutritious whole version of that that actually soothes your nervous system and soothes your soul. Right? They've done lots of research that basically as humans, we are wired to live in tribes and we have about space to hold 100 relationships active in our mind.

And when you think about 100, it's big enough that you can still have an impact on almost everyone in your sphere in some capacity. And it's small enough that you can feel a strong sense of community that has changed and exploded as our world has gone more global, industrialized, etc. We're having to recreate these small units, like I said, these small social groups just start to bring that experience back. And the magic is, what's different from back in the day is that doesn't have to just be geographically oriented or restricted.

It's amazing to have a local men's group, if you can, where you're physically meeting in the same space, but if you can't, it's pretty profound. What can happen with this virtual web that we're now able to create, where maybe you meet virtually 90% of the time. And once a year you get together and meet in person and you can go really deep because you've built a lot of trust with each other in that time. Go really deep, really create even more connection, really feel the power of your presence even more.

And then it radiates back into your life and those virtual connections moving forward. So if you're a man who's lacking in purpose, in a sense of connection and belonging, joining a men's group can be a profound way to get those needs fulfilled. And it doesn't have to be a perfect group. You don't even have to really know what you're doing. You can join an established one and you can frankly start your own.

And for men who are interested in either experiencing a men's group and or leading one, I'll be launching a new program soon called the Men's Group Experience and Men's Group Mastery, where you can just dive into a group and get a three month experience of it and take it beyond if you so choose. And you can also, if you want, learn the tools to become a facilitator and have the roadwork and structure to create a group of your own. If you want to bring it local we really need local groups we need more men who are willing to plant the flag and create those groups.

I can only run so many groups and we need men like you to step up and take the lead and so this is going to be a powerful way to both get the experience and take it forward if you so choose and in doing so in leading a group you in particular will get to cultivate a very profound deep sense of purpose and a very profound deep sense of belonging as you call together a group of men who might not otherwise constellate you might be the reason those men come together and you might be the reason these strong ties the small cohesive unit is born.

If you're interested in joining the men's group experience or learning what it takes to facilitate you can just head over to mens group and sign up there to get all the information you need. Alright until next time you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world just go to evolutionary men apply.