Three Reasons Men Join Men’s Groups

All right, and welcome back. On today's episode, I want to talk about three of the primary reasons men join men's groups.

So these reasons are sourced from, first, my own experiences joining groups and participating in groups for my own well being. And second, from having led hundreds of different men's groups at this point of all different kinds over the last two decades. The first reason I often see guys stepping into a group is they're in acute pain and they need support. They are just hurting and they're needing some kind of healing to happen to get out of that pain.

I often kind of call this the EMT phase. What I mean by that is it's like a man has had some kind of horrible accident and he's just bleeding, he's just in pain and he needs somewhere to go to stabilize, to just stop the bleeding and begin the process of healing. This acute pain for men shows up in lots of different ways and I think is particularly intensified by the amount of loneliness and isolation so many men are experiencing these days.

That isolation makes pain worse. The same pain is even more intense when we feel isolated and alone in it. The kinds of pain I often see guys showing up in are first. One of the main places I work with men is around dating, relationships and sex. And they're in a lot of pain because they're not having the types of experiences they want to be having either in their single life or in their existing relationship.

And this one in particular is one that'll get a man's ass off the couch. To make a change like this just hurts so much. I have to try something different here. So relationships are a big one. Health is a really big one in terms of whether it's problems with addiction, physical, emotional, mental, or sometimes even spiritual health. A man is just suffering and not really functioning the way he wants.

And so he'll come to a group to try to get some support again, try to start that process of healing. There's also a lot of pain around finance, purpose and work. When it's just like, I just can't quite get ahead or haven't been able to secure a job or my career is just suffering. That type of pain will often bring men to group. And then at a more subtle level, that kind of ties into all of these.

There's just the pain of feeling stuck and trapped. This is a really potent and powerful one for men. When we feel stuck, when we feel trapped and not free, we experience it as pain. And the intensity of that is one of the things I've seen actually bring men to group. And what's particularly powerful about that is, is that oftentimes best path to healing actually comes in the container or context of a group.

I've talked before on the show that some things aren't meant to be felt alone. They're just too painful. And it's only in social relating that we actually have the safety and energy to be able to fully feel and process where we're at. So a lot of times I'll see men showing up to men's group who are in a lot of pain but actually haven't felt it. And so what they get out of group is a safe place to feel the feelings of grief, of regret, of anger, whatever it might be.

They're ready for some healing, and they want to move away from pain. They want to get past the pain. They want to stabilize and get to a place where they're grounded, stop the bleeding, so to speak, so that they can then make a plan and a direction for how to move ahead. And that leads us into the second reason. And these don't necessarily always go in this order, but you can see there's a bit of a journey here, in a sense. And the second reason is they might not be in acute pain per se, but there's a yearning or a knowing or a desire for some challenge and accountability in their life.

It's like they kind of want to be straightened out and step into their edge. So there's a lot of men that aren't necessarily, you know, on the ground bleeding in that EMT phase, but they have this deep sense of like, is this it? Is this all there is? I'm kind of. I'm living the script, and yet I feel a little empty inside, or I just have this deep sense I'm not fully living up to my potential.

And this isn't about expectations of society or other people. This is a drive that comes from inside, from each man, just a feeling of, I know I have more to give, whatever that means, and I need some help. I need some support to get there. And that challenge, that accountability, is one of the most powerful things we can offer each other in men's group. Right? There's the sense of, hey, I want to go here, and I need support going There.

This is kind of the more traditional coachee phase, but it can happen in a men's group, right? And I tell guys all the time, so many men already know the experience of, you can work out alone or you can work out with someone else. And when there's someone else there, we tend to work out harder, right? We push ourselves a little bit more because, oh, man, they're pushing themselves. So I'm going to push myself. And it's easier to be held accountable when someone's tracking us, even if that's a personal trainer or a friend.

That same process can happen in a group. And so this desire to be sharpened, to become the best version of ourselves will lead men into men's group because there's this sense that women, well, I can't necessarily lead myself somewhere I haven't been before, or maybe I have some blind spots or shadows I'm not seeing that are preventing me from getting there. And that's where a group can be really supportive in terms of helping you get clear about what you're trying to work towards and then giving you honest feedback and tracking it with you, holding you accountable over time to make sure you're getting there.

I see this one a lot, too, with guys who are actually quite successful. Their careers have done very well, but they're missing some piece inside, right? They followed the script of society, but they feel empty. They feel a little dead. And this kind of calling for more, this yearning to be called forth, to be challenged, is really important to us men. The masculine, whether it's in you as a man or in a woman or wherever it is, it grows through challenge.

It grows through. We actually come up against our constraints and then we break past them. That is the masculine bliss, to hit our edge and grow past it. Right? To take ourselves further than we ever imagined. We, whether that's physically, emotionally, mentally, or again, spiritually. And living at that edge is where we often feel the most fulfilled. And this is all about that forward momentum.

It's less about healing and it's more about driving forward. Now, the third area, and this one is a little more complex because I actually see this show up in two different ways, is men will come to men's group just to be. Because they have a deep longing to rest in connection with other men and resonate with other men. And the two ways I often see this are one, just a desire to be around other men who have lived similar experiences and just being in that space, not even trying to heal themselves, not even trying to push something forward in their lives.

But just being is incredibly restorative. It actually brings vitality and ease and peace back to their bodies. There's a way in men's group we can just rest being with each other. It's not about doing. And for a lot of men that's a very precious and rare experience to actually have with other men. And we just get to build connection.

And for so many things in life, connection is a resource. It's a type of nourishment. It's an energy we can bring into our system that makes the stresses of life easier to deal with. And a lot of the avenues men used to connect around are gone and stripped away. And we have this kind of faux connection in the online space that has a lot of gifts but really doesn't nourish us in quite the same ways, particularly in terms of just being in a physical space with other men and getting our nervous systems co regulated.

Now the second version of this one goes a little even deeper and it's one I haven't experienced as much because of just where I'm at in my life. But I've been around men and it's kind of a different level of being which is just the sense of like, oh, I'm kind of done right. This is men a little more established later in life, often quite a bit older. And there's just that sense of oh, I'm done with the doing phase of my life and I just want to rest and be here with other men and kind of prepare for what's next.

Under both of those is just that sense of being the freedom to just be with no demand and no expectation for the masculine. One of the biggest, biggest senses of burden we carry is expectation. Other people's expectation, cultural expectation of what we're supposed to do. Even our expectation in the sense that there's always something demanding, some piece of our attention or some action from us.

And frankly it's quite blissful when we're in a group of men where that demand is actually dropped. I hear this from so many guys and I've experienced it myself. There's just such a peace and relaxation when we're around men that are doing this kind of work and who are in a similar place in their life. There's just, ah, I just get to be. Nobody needs anything from me here, so I can just be an authentic version of myself.

Now there's obviously more reasons that a man will join a group, but these are the three primary ones that I've really seen magnetize men to the work over the years. And just in summary, again here, first they're in pain, they're in acute pain and they need some support, they need some healing. They want to stop the bleeding in their lives and, and just get back on their feet, get grounded, get stabilized.

Then oftentimes from there they're in more of that place where they end up a little more stable, a little more grounded. They come to group because they're seeking some challenge and accountability to be straightened out, to get things together and be able to up level their life in terms of taking on a new challenge, doing more, living to their edge, and in some sense creating more freedom in their lives. And then finally there's just the yearning to just be.

To be in connection, to be at peace, to be around other men who don't need anything from us, whether that's just in the moment or because we're at that phase of our life where we're like, yeah, I did it all and now I just kind of want to be in a space with others who know what that feels like. The beautiful thing about men's group is that it can work with us in all three of these domains. And these aren't static things.

They can actually change week to week and sometimes even moment to moment. But a men's group, it actually has the capacity and is fluid enough to be able to pivot between all these different things. Sometimes we can just be in that more being social state. Sometimes we can be digging into the really hard stuff and feeling it and processing it and doing that healing work. And sometimes we can really be showing up for each other, sharpening each other, calling forth the best versions of each other to help us move the things forward in our lives.

We really want to move forward. That's why I really love groups. They have an element of therapeutic healing and processing, coaching, accountability, driving things forward. And then just the bliss of sometimes just not doing anything, just being in a space with men and sitting and being and watching a sunset. If you're on a trip of some kind or sitting in silence and meditation.

And that can be profoundly healing for men. So if you're feeling the call and you want to join a group, come on over to Evolutionary Men and check out some of the different groups I have to offer. I have some on dating and relationships. I have some on shadow. I have some that are going to be more about a men's group experience coming up in early 2024. And if you have any questions, please reach out. You can contact me at jasonvolutionary men.

Until next time. If you're interested in working with me around dating, relationships, or your masculine presence in the world, just go to Evolutionary Men. Apply.