Three Keys to Regain Your Center

All right. And welcome back. Have you ever had one of those moments, frankly, days where you just feel off, you're stressed or depressed or sad or unmotivated and really just aren't feeling well?

I certainly know I have. And most men I know have had those kind of days or moments. They're inevitable, but what do we do about them? How do we come back from them? How do we regain our center as men when we've been knocked off course, when we've been knocked on our asses, when we don't feel like there's a way forward? Well, that's what I want to talk about today. Specifically, I want to explore three keys you can use to regain your center.

The first, these keys can be used independently or even better, you can combine them for an accelerated like cross training type effect. So let's start with number one, nature. This is one I've talked about on this show before and I explore a lot in my work with men. And that there's tons of research and evidence for just the well being that is promoted by us spending time in nature.

What I love about nature and what I think is a big part of it is it promotes immediacy. When we're disconnected from technology and we're in a beautiful natural environment, it does something to our sensory system. It actually puts it in the state it's supposed to be in, which is often relaxed and alert. Something else I've talked about. I was on a river trip with some men a couple years ago. I remember just sitting on the river as we're floating down, seeing all these wild patterns in the trees, the mountains, the rocks, the water.

The sheer amount of sensory input was mind blowing to me. And we actually need that. That kind of sensory overload in the natural setting does something for us. It relaxes us. It's the fractal nature. Nature, right. You can zoom in, you can zoom out and it's beautiful and it's varied and it's chaotic and there's yet a pattern and intentional.

It's the ultimate mystery. But time in nature is so key for us in our well being. It regulates us. There's been a lot of talk on the Internet the last couple years of in Japan they talk about taking forest baths, right? Just going and walking through a forest and imagining it's bathing us, washing away our stresses. And I notice this every time, right?

I go out into the sun, or I go out for a hike, or I get into a natural environment, I start to feel better. Particularly when it's combined with some kind of movement or, or stillness practice, which we'll talk more about later. But time in nature is one of the quickest things you can do to reset your mental state, your emotional state. Kind of counterintuitive, right? Because oftentimes when we're feeling our lowest, when we're in that energy poor state, we don't want to move, we don't want to get out, we want to stay kind of swallowed and collapsed inside ourselves.

Nature is a pathway out of that. If we can just get our asses out the door and into a pretty environment. Just seeing beauty in itself can be deeply nourishing and healing. Let alone the time away from technology, the fresh air, the sights, the sounds, the way we're actually built to be in environments of that much stimulus.

It's really what we were designed to do. And when we don't have it, our nervous systems don't do so well. Getting out into nature is one of the biggest keys to unlocking your center, to coming back to a place of groundedness. Just get out. Even if you can't get to a national park or a forest preserve, you can walk around the block in the sun and notice beauty. But the more out there you can get, often the deeper and more nourishing the experience you can have will be.

So it does really pay to get out and go backpacking or go hiking, or take trips to beautiful places and spend that quality time in nature. It is a bath for your nervous system and it will make you feel better. Won't cure all your problems, won't solve all your problems, but it'll reset your nervous system. And we need that time. It is an actual medicine we all have a dose we need, and if we don't get it, our body minds suffer.

And when we're in a particularly low place, that is a medicine that can really turn things around. I'm a big fan of going on a hike or often I'll tell guys if they have access, jump in some water, jump in the ocean, jump in a river, jump in a lake. It can be an instantaneous reset, refresh, shedding, letting go. But even if you don't have water, you can go for a nice walk or hike, or just spend some time sitting under a tree watching Ants.

Time moves differently when we're unplugged and in nature. And that pace of time is deeply restorative. It fills our bucket back up even if we're not really doing much. It's like the world. Nature has energy and wellness to offer us if we'll just go into it and be open to receiving.

And there's practices you can learn and that I've been taught by my teachers for how to do that. But even without those, the impact can be immediate if you just go out there with the intent. Feeling off today. So I'm going to go out, I'm going to find some nature and I'm going to recenter myself from there. So that's one huge key. Another huge key is which you can combine with nature or sometimes when you can't get to a natural environment, you can kind of do it anywhere is what I call practice.

So what's practice? Practice is really anything with our bodies or our minds or our hearts that we consciously do. I know that sounds strange, stupid, simple, but it is. This covers all kinds of practice, be it spiritual practice, emotional practice, martial arts, physical practice, sports, and even the creation of art.

These are all types of practice, right? There's a certain structure that I'm going to enter into and I'm just going to do it, right? Practice often means that there's a form we're expressing ourselves through. So for some people, that's yoga, for some people that's CrossFit. For some people that's meditation or qigong or tai chi. There's so many different types of practice that you can enter into.

And frankly, it doesn't even really matter what practice you're entering into. As much as people think as it does that you just are consciously entering into a practice to do it. It's that bringing your conscious awareness to a structure that literally makes you more aware, that makes you more conscious. It's a different type of practicing immediacy.

Right when I'm lifting weights, I'm practicing immediacy right here, right now. This rep when I'm meditating, I'm practicing immediacy. This breath, this breath, this breath. Not that thought, not that thought. This breath, this breath. When you're doing martial arts, when you're doing a creative practice, right? Be that writing or a painting or making music, those are all types of practice.

Whatever it is, it can be deeply restorative in many of the same ways as engaging with nature. You should have a daily practice of some kind that you can enter into regularly. When you Do. What you'll find is no matter what state you come in with, the practice draws you into the moment, draws you into itself, gives somewhere for your attention to go.

And that often starts to change how we're feeling. How many people have heard the stories of, oh, today was the day I didn't want to go to the gym and I made myself go and I made myself go and lo and behold, I felt better. Or how many times I've dreaded waking up and doing breath work or meditation because. Because I just wasn't feeling it in the moment. But then I'm so glad I did afterwards. Turning towards a practice when we're feeling down or off is so key now to make it work, you got to have a practice, which means you have to establish it, you have to enter into it consciously over and over and over again.

And it's through that repetition something inside of us frees up in the process. All right, I'm just giving myself over to this practice. All I have to do is be immediate with this right here and now. I remember in one of my big life transformation moments when I was in my mid-30s and had left a long term relationship and was uncertain about my career and there was just a lot of stress going on for me, I absolutely came to crave the morning one hour meditation sit I was doing every day at the time.

And why I started to crave, it was for all of these reasons when I would enter into that space, I Knew for that 60 Minutes I didn't have to do anything other than fully be present in that practice. I didn't have to be thinking about my future or what decisions to be doing, what I should be working on in the moment, how I was going to find my life partner. I didn't have to worry about any of that.

That was the place where I actually felt the most free, where I got to be liberated from all the burdens of my life. And that's what a good practice will do for you. It's going to draw you into the moment, which I know is crazy, when we're feeling bad or off, why would I want to be more in that, in the moment? But it works because again, what it's doing is it's drawing you in the moment and it's often taking our attention off of whatever we're feeling, stuck in whatever we're ruminating about.

And that freeing up of our attention and it pouring into a structured practice of some kind. Again, whether that's physical, meditative, artistic, doesn't really matter. That is the key to us finding ourselves again. You have to have daily, if not at least a couple times a week, practice of some kind. And you do it no matter how you're feeling.

So you don't just do it when you're feeling well, but you commit to I'm doing it no matter how I'm feeling. Because then the practice itself carries you through, carries you through the moments you feel unmotivated or you feel stuck or you feel knocked on your ass. And you know that, well, this is what I do. I practice at this time, this day, whatever that might be. And that form, that structure you pour yourself into, it allows restoration to happen in your body, in your heart and in your soul.

So that's key number two, we've had nature practice, now let's talk about number three, which again can be combined with one or two or both, or done solo. And that's connection or thought of in another way, community. So the other thing you can do, which I talked about in some previous episodes, is when you're feeling like you want to withdraw, that's when you need to push yourself often to connect.

So we are socially wired creatures and one of the keys to a well regulated nervous system in telling our body, mind, it's safe and okay comes from interaction with other human beings. Literally looking someone in the eyes, hearing their voice, sends signals and cues into our nervous system that it's okay.

Our hormones change, we downregulate, it's much easier to enter into a parasympathetic restorative state. And that comes from connection. What's key about this is connection is actually a different thing from being around people. It is very easy to be around people and still feel lonely or withdrawn or not connected. So this isn't about just get out there and be around people, though that can sometimes help.

What this is really about is being around people you can deeply drop into your experience with, right? So in being in relationship with them, you're actually able to be more present to whatever's happening in your nervous system, in your heart, in your mind, in your body. This is again one of the powers of our vagus nerve and how we're wired that when we're with others, we, we have more capacity to feel.

Seen it time and time again in my own life, in the shadow work I lead and in the men's groups I lead. And we often see it with our family and our kids, right? You can tell someone's a little sad, you get in close with them, you offer them some touch, maybe a Little bit of eye contact burst into tears, it all comes out. I've known many men, including myself, find it much easier to cry when other people are around them, holding space for them, connecting with them, kind of greases the wheels, so to speak.

So connection, which means feeling seen and having the experience of someone really being with you in whatever it is you're feeling. Connection is healing. It helps us purge and release and move past whatever is haunting or plaguing or keeping us down. This could be a conversation with a family member or an intimate partner or yeah, a good male friend or men's group.

Could certainly also be a coach or a therapist or someone you have a professional relationship with, right? Where you're just able to freely express and be heard and be witnessed. It's one of the key healing components of connection to just be witnessed again. A lot of times nothing about the actual problem or situation is going to change, but you're going to feel a lot better about it.

And these days, connection seems like it should be easier than ever in this always online, cell phone, smartphone powered social media world. But what that offers us is just empty calories. It's not actually connection, it's not actually being seen, being resonated with, being linked up to in an emotional capacity with another human being. And that's something we deeply, deeply need.

I've been with people who have never had that in their whole lives. And the moment someone just becomes simply present with them, their whole body, mind changes, relaxes, it opens, stuff comes up. Sometimes a sense of wellness perhaps pervades them. It's different from everybody, but things move and shift and change and we need that. Connection is one of the quickest ways to bring yourself back, right?

I'm a parent, I have a kid. I've had to study and learn a lot about parenting and the developmental process of kids. And I've seen it firsthand, right? My child becomes dysregulated, she gets overwhelmed, gets hurt, whatever that might be. There's oftentimes she can't bring herself back by herself. She's developing that capacity, but sometimes she can't get there alone.

So like I've said before, us as parents or caregivers or friends, we can loan our nervous system to them. My case, me to my daughter, my sense of groundedness and okayness. I can breathe deep, I can give her a big hug, can look her in the eye, tell her I love her, it's okay to feel what she's feeling and boom. Maybe not immediately, but at some point the energy will Shift, the lights will come back on.

She's a little bit more there and a little less stuck in whatever it is she was. And the same thing happens to us as adults, other people. Connection with others is a doorway to, well, being so much research around it that it's kind of crazy. And it's one of the things that's making it really hard for so many men to survive these days in this post Covid world. We live in a hyper individualized, isolated country here in the United States in particular, where privacy and space are pretty much valued over everything else.

And yeah, they have some awesome benefits. But that also means a lot of loneliness. Working from home, driving in your car alone, ordering in food alone, you name it. Watching movies at home alone. Right. One of my favorite pastimes, which is a completely different experience than being in a movie theater and having 400 other people who you're synced up with. Having a shared experience in the moment, deeply restorative for me, tied to this wavelength of connection.

So those are three keys to regaining your center when you're feeling off. Nature, practice and connection. Here's the really cool thing. You can combine them. There is nothing quite like doing practice in a beautiful environment surrounded by people you're feeling very connected to. This is the essence of a lot of men's work that I lead in retreats.

Go somewhere that's pretty. Do a lot of deep practice and get connected to other men. What happens when you come back? You feel fucking awesome. Alive, energized, hopefully grounded, centered and able to move forward. Now, you can't always go on retreat, I get that. But yeah, sometimes you can go outside, do some practice outside, call up a friend, go for a hike, call up a friend and do some practice together at home.

Hey, want to come over, hit the weights or do some meditating or yoga or whatever that might be. You don't have to do it all alone. Whatever combination you want to use, do it. These keys will unlock a pathway out of wherever you're feeling stuck. They can help you find your center again. Find that place of ah, okay, here I am. I'm grounded, I'm balanced.

I feel in control, meaning I'm able to influence my environment in the ways I want. Versus I feel stuck and collapsed or overwhelmed in a way that I don't know how to move forward. So if you're feeling off, feeling knocked off center, reach for nature, practice and connection. Until next time. If you're interested in working with me around dating, relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to evolutionary men apply.