The World Needs MORE Angry Men

All right, and welcome back. So on today's episode, I want to talk about a topic that I've seen impact a lot of men that I work with, and that's the massive confusion between anger and aggression.

So I do tend to work with a lot of self described nice guys these days who are Recovering from what Dr. Glover calls nice guy syndrome in his great book, no more Mr. Nice Guy. But this really applies all across the board, even for men who don't necessarily consider themselves nice guys. And that's this conflation of anger and aggression as being the same thing. And how for a lot of modern men, we've grown up seeing the incredibly damaging impact of what aggression is.

And because of that, we internalize that. All of that is bad. And we kind of throw out the baby in the bathwater, the baby here being anger, which is very different from aggression. So aggression is when we take angry energy inside of ourselves and we point it outwards. We direct it out into a person or an object, something in the world.

So I'm actually taking this energy and I'm pushing it out onto someone specific or something specific that hasn't necessarily given me consent to do it. So aggression can look like verbally attacking someone, getting up in their space, punching walls, something I've done before and talked about on this podcast. There's lots of different ways that we can direct that aggression out, sometimes even more passively in terms of passive aggression, not being very forward, but speaking under our breath with kind of a tight, wound up energy that's really hiding an explosiveness underneath.

Now, so many men I work with have experienced firsthand how damaging that aggression can be, either as recipients of physical or emotional abuse in their family or from bullying or just seeing really how uninformed, aggressive men can cause damage in the world. So they make this internal. I don't want to be that.

I don't want to be that way. So I'm going to disconnect and not be that guy. The problem with that is it's actually disconnecting from self and our authenticity and the positive version of this energy that's underneath, which is really anger. So anger in itself is just sensation in our body. That often means whatever's happening right now is important to Me, my safety, the safety of those around me and our boundaries.

So it's information for our nervous system that something doesn't feel right. We often experience it as some kind of heat or tension in our bodies. Our hearts will often start pumping, and we become activated. Now, that energy by itself is actually quite sacred and important and very useful for leading a powerful life and creating trust in our relationships and in the world.

What a lot of guys do is they assume that energy is aggression. Or they don't trust themselves for what they're going to do with that energy. So they totally disconnect from it, stuff it under the surface, or pretend like whatever it is is no big deal. But the thing is, we need anger to help us thrive in the world. And in my view, we should all be a little bit angry a lot of the time.

What I mean by that is sometimes people will tell me, guys I'm working with, you know, I don't know, my life's good, I don't have anything to be angry about. And that can be true. But anger also is important in the social field. Meaning if you don't have something to be angry about on behalf of yourself. There is plenty out there in the world that we should all pretty much be angry about all the time.

Unjustness, unfairness, abuse, environmental degradation, you name it. There is a lot to be angry about. And I think it's really important that we can connect into that as men and start to lead the way and model that healthy anger is not the same as aggression. And in fact, a man who can identify when he's angry and name it is 1000% times safer to be around than a man who can't.

So a man who is fused and collapsed into his anger, that energy is much more likely to act out aggressively because he's not conscious of it. Right? You can talk to a lot of people who have grown up around unstable or volatile people can also talk to a lot of women. A man who's not aware he's angry is actually one of the most dangerous energies to be around.

Because the feeling is he could explode at any moment. Does he even realize that? What's he gonna do? That's scary to be around a man who is grounded and present, in touch with his anger, meaning feeling it in real time, connecting to the actual bodily sensations, and in fact, even able to express those bodily sensations relationally. That is a man who is automatically a lot safer.

I am feeling really angry right now. To be able to say that a part of our awareness, our consciousness has to be online that is holding that anger inside of it. I am aware my anger is something inside of me that is light years beyond. I am not even aware of how reactive and angry I am right now. And those are the most dangerous men in the world. But a man who is present to his anger and can share it without forcing it aggressively onto another person is immediately safer.

And part of the big work we can do as men these days is not cutting off and stuffing our anger, but learning to feel it and hold it in healthy ways and then finding appropriate spaces and containers to express it in. So it is totally different to consciously feel angry about something in our life, hold and connect to that energy, and then bring it to the mat in our dojo if we're a martial artist, and bring it through our practice in a consensual space where we're supposed to be sparring with someone.

Or it's very different, As I often work with a lot of men to create a space in our home, Set a timer, put on some angry music, beat the shit out of some pillows, scream, or find another man, link up your arms, push into each other, move that anger through. Doing that in a healthy, safe space where there's consent is so powerful and such a game changer for us men.

It's one of the leading edge things we can do. We take responsibility for the energy in our body. We take responsibility to find a safe environment to honor and move that energy through us. There's consciousness there, there's awareness there of the other, of the container, of the environment. There's consent there. None of that is online. In traditional aggression, as we think of it, aggression is when we're unloading that without permission on the world or other people.

Healthy anger expression is when we create a safe space where everyone's in agreement that's there with us to receive that. Or in our environment, we find a safe way to move that energy through us, through exercise, through punching bags, through screaming. There's lots of different ways to do this. And this is a big thing I end up doing with men when I work with them in men's groups, is create these safe spaces for our anger to come through.

And sometimes even a little bit of that aggression, right, that we give that a little bit of permission to come through, and then we can dial in the appropriate amount of anger. The other thing that's so important about understanding this difference is that it allows us to work with that energy even when the situation or person that triggered it isn't present. So I've Done this so much with men, whether that's their relationship work, sexual stuff from their childhood, where it's actually not totally appropriate for them to bring that full force of their anger, or they're not even able to because there's not a person around anymore or something like that to bring it to their face, so to speak.

But in a group, in a container, we can create the conditions to allow that anger to be expressed in ways it never was. What's so key here is it doesn't have to be with the people or the environment that created it in order for the healing to happen on the other side. And this willingness to hold our anger, to be in touch with our anger, and to not lose touch with our consciousness, our awareness, our ability to be at choice in the moment.

So we're not fused, we're not collapsed, we're not acting out of pure reactivity, but we're consciously working with this energy is one of the leading edge, most amazing things us men can do. And it's not something we've had modeled for us very much. But this anger, when it fuels us, when we're appropriately tuned into it, tends to drive action, particularly even at the societal level. Right. There is a type of sacred rage, which is very different from retribution or getting back at someone.

Right. Revenge, which is often aggressive. But this kind of sacred rage is often more oriented towards justice. In the future, what happened is not okay. And I'm gonna do my best to make sure these conditions are changed so this doesn't happen again to me, to my kids, to my spouse, to people in my community, whatever that might be. From where I stand in the men's work world, we need more men right now who know how to healthily stand in their anger to transform the planet and don't collapse into aggression.

But also don't just do disconnect and please and appease like the nice guy. We need men stepping forward in their power, which includes that sacred rage. Something is happening here, and it's not okay. It's not serving all those or all the environments that are involved. And that takes practice as men. It takes us not fearing that sensation in our body. We actually have to become more intimate with it.

What are the signals in me that I'm getting angry? Right. Do I feel that first in my stomach, my shoulders? Does my chest get tight? Does my voice shift? We want to become super intimate with that so we can feel our process as it unfolds. And we can take those little pauses to acknowledge, wow, I'm really angry right? Now the moment you do that, you are shifting the paradigm for everyone involved.

And when you can match that with then getting yourself into environments that are appropriate for you to express that anger, to allow that anger to move through your body, you're crushing it and you're making the world a much, much anger safer place. And this is something that the more we step into, the more we can model it for other people, right? The power of owning our anger in responsible ways that allow us to actually be more safe and more trustable to those around us is the kind of modeling our world desperately needs right now.

Young boys need it, young girls need it, everybody needs it. Making space for that anger and actually welcoming it and disentangling it from aggression, right from that outward facing non consensual demonstration of force or retribution or revenge, as they say. So it's really important that you start to learn there's a big difference between anger, between aggression.

And as one of my teachers used to say, the thing about anger is we don't get angry about things we don't care about, right? And so underneath anger, this healthy version of it is deep, deep caring. And so anger is actually a wake up call. There's something I care about here, there's something that feels vulnerable in this interaction.

And this anger is a trigger that, hey, I need to pay attention to it. And that linking of anger to deep care, something I learned from a Roshi named Jumbo Dennis Kelly, changed my life as someone who used to be very anger avoidant, but now I see, oh yeah, there's a lot I care about in the world. So there's a lot I have to be angry about in my personal life, in my relationships, in the culture and the world I live in.

And that is totally different than aggression. The destructive output of reactivity fight forced onto others. The world needs more men right now deeply care and give a and show up and stand their ground and speak their truth against oppression or unfairness or abuse or traumas or degradation, whatever that might be. World needs more men who will step up in care and anger for each other, for other men, and for the feminine, for women as well.

Just understanding that there's a difference here between anger and aggression is the first step. Then being able to identify when you are angry and being able to share that in real time. My chest is feeling really hot right now. I'm feeling very activated. I'm really angry. Step number two, Step number three, finding a safe, consensual, appropriate container to allow that anger to move through your body.

Whether it's getting into a mosh pit, going to work out, hitting a punching bag, working in a men's group, there's lots of ways to do this. Once we take responsibility for it and our willingness to feel that anger is actually a service to the world, we need more of it. If you want some help and some practice, definitely check out my Heart of Shadow Men's group. We create a very safe container where some of these old elements of rage and anger and even aggression can come through in a safe place.

And we can really start to build this capacity to feel our anger, to name it, and then to move it safely. Until next time, if you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to Evolutionary men. Apply.