The Weakness of Macho Men

All right, and welcome back. So, on today's episode, I want to talk about the primary weakness of macho men and this whole man box tough, invulnerable, macho culture that often gets pushed on us men.

And it's a phrase I've mentioned before on this podcast and I've been sharing a lot with guys I work with and in my life. And it's this simple idea. I don't care how strong and tough a man you think you are, at some point in your life, your body will fail you in a way that you won't be able to just push through. And in those moments, we fall back to the level of support and community we have around us as men.

This might come through old age, this might come from an accident, this might come from illness, but it is gonna hit every single man. And macho men who pride themselves on not needing anyone else, not cultivating any supportive or reciprocal relationships in their life, or frankly, just never asking for help, are going to be at a severe disadvantage the moment that happens.

Many men I work with sometimes approximate that. One of the first times that they get very ill and sick and realize, wow, I can barely get out of bed. How am I going to take care of myself? There's an extreme type of vulnerability that comes forward when, when we can't just push through. And this is a huge weakness to the so called macho man. Cultivating supportive relationships with other men, in particular through something like a men's group, which I'm such a huge advocate of, is one of the ways we can become resilient against that.

That doesn't man mean we're going to ask every man in our life to always take care of us. We still have some agency and have some responsibility in how we show up in our lives. But what I've seen, having been part of men's groups for over 20 years of my own life, and having now facilitated so many groups for men that when that big thing hits, we're able to bounce back a lot faster. We actually become more resilient in, in our capacity to handle and deal with the stresses and blows of life.

Now, the other major thing I want to point to in this weakness of macho men and why they push so hard not to rely on anyone because that's weak or vulnerable or whatever that might be is. The truth is those men are afraid. And this shows up sometimes in a counterintuitive way. On the two extremes of being, we have what's typically demonized and made fun of in men, which is collapse.

When I just collapse into my pain or my stuckness in life or my shame or my victimhood, and I'm collapsed in on myself, unavailable to life, unavailable for connection. That's often related to shame and fear and the ways we're cultured as men. Now, the truth is, that's not the only direction you can go based on fear. The other one is posturing.

I'm fine. Hey, you looking at me can actually feel the energy of them coming forward. And I'm breathing, bracing, bracing myself, shielding myself, separating myself from you, because, frankly, I'm scared. Posturing is just as much a fear reaction as collapse. It just looks very different. It looks very different. But again, when you're posturing, you're not available for connection.

True strength is right in the middle. It's neither collapsing nor posturing, and it's an actual disposition in our nervous system they call ventral vagal, right? It's when a part of our nervous system is activated and open and available for connection. Real leadership, the tough leadership in the world that means negotiating with people who all have different desires and wants and needs.

This goes in terms of your intimate relationship and your family as well. Happens when you're neither posturing or collapsed, but you're right there in the middle. I'm here, I'm holding myself, and I'm open and vulnerable. I'm being impacted. You know, one of my good friends in my men's group here, he phrased this beautifully, right? Good, solid, masculine presence.

Allows emotion to move through us, but it doesn't move us, doesn't knock us off center, but we're still feeling. And in that feeling capacity, we're actually available to relate and lead and be connected to you. And when we're in connection, we're more resilient, Right? David Romero, who was on this podcast a couple months ago, used this beautiful phrase that I've been using constantly since then, right? Which is community is immunity.

The more connected you are, the bigger your system of health is. If you have no relationships or just one relationship, and things aren't going well in that arena, your whole world isn't going well. As you open up and create a bigger system that you belong to through multiple relationships, some of which are professional, some of which are intimate, some of which are familial, and some of which are peer based, you create a lot more space in your system.

So if one relationship isn't going well, the others still are. And so there's a balance there. And the ones that are can help you center yourself to get back into that middle position to deal with the issues in your life that aren't going well. Talk about this so many times in groups. This weakness of macho men and the many ways it shows up that macho posturing is actually quite fragile and it is fear based.

No matter what a macho guy might say, when it comes to expression and feeling, feeling is always, always harder and more courageous than not. And tell me, who's more afraid? The guy who absolutely is unwilling to touch his grief, his fear, his stuckness, his hurt Sometimes, yes.

His rage and anger? Or the man who's willing to just go into it and fully experience it and face it head on without turning away, without collapsing, and without pretending it's not there. I'm fine. The strongest men I know have the capacity right in the middle. I can be impacted by life, but it doesn't knock me off center, doesn't move me.

I can be impacted by my emotions. I can hold them, I can feel them, I can allow them to move through me. And the second I do that, I'm liberating that energy back into my nervous system so I can focus on the things I care about, take action on the things I care about the most. When we're holding that all inside, you're taking up precious metabolic resource. You are tightening up your body when you do not need to be.

Every martial arts tradition in the world talks about this. You want to be as relaxed as possible in your body at all times. Because when you are not relaxed when you are holding tension, you are wasting energy that you might need to create safety for yourself or someone else. So it's not weak to go inside and get support and build a network that can help hold you when you can't hold yourself.

That is power. That is resiliency. That is a man who can withstand the many, many stresses of life in the world. And in fact his status will only increase. The more belonging and networking he has in his life, the more opportunities he has to give means, the more opportunities he also has to receive.

Your life should be full of reciprocal relationships. You put energy in, you get energy back. A man who doesn't have any relationships isn't getting any energy back, which means he has to self choose, generate all of it. And there is a time limit on that, I guarantee it. I've seen it time and time again with men. Your body will start to fail you, your mental health will start to fail you, autoimmune disorders will come up, you will work your ass off for 30 years and then one day you won't be able to get out of bed because you've pushed it to hard.

It just kept driving and grinding and driving. We have to be able to pause and we have to be able to ask for help and we have to be able to feel real warriors talking. The men who can stand in the fire of life, they feel right. The very first episode I did of this show, real men feel everything. They don't shy away, they don't turn away, they don't push it down in posture.

They also don't get stuck, totally collapsed, unable to move. They feel it right there in the middle. I'm open, I'm impacted and I'm still grounded, connected. And guess what? That is way easier when we're connected to peers around us. As I've talked about many times in my previous episode, some things aren't meant to be felt alone. A communal nervous system can help us process and metabolize the many hurts and traumas we have in our nervous system.

And that love of the group allows it to be liberated, to be felt, to no longer be held inside again. When we're not holding that which we don't need to be, when we're not pretending and using that active energy to posture can feel it. If I'm going to posture, I have to tense up my body and push it forward, armor up. That's energy, that's life force. That's not actually available to you to create the things you want to create, to relate in the ways you want to relate.

Macho men are fragile. They are weak because the second something comes and takes out their body, they're helpless and they have no one to turn to. A connected man who's part of a community who has the capacity to go inside and face his inner demons and dragons. That is a resilient man.

That is a man who can keep getting up and creating and serving can make, protect and teach at a much higher level than the go it alone, lone wolf, macho man, cowboy. So though it may be counterintuitive when you feel that posturing from other men, feel below it. There's always fear there.

There's always fear there. The most sure footed, grounded, centered men, they don't have to posture again. We see this often in martial arts, the man who could actually kill you doesn't need you to know he can kill you. He's relaxed. He just moves on with his day. He has nothing to prove to you. He doesn't need to tense up and show you how tough he is, because he knows if it comes down to it, he can handle himself.

And in fact, because he can handle himself, he doesn't even have to worry about you. So this is a big moment in our culture where we get to redefine what masculinity is. And masculinity does not have to be only macho and separate. In fact, a full powerful man in his agency is connected and belongs.

And because of that, he is more powerful, more resilient. He isn't weak. He has the capacity to handle more from life and frankly, to have more fun doing it. Because the most shit work in the world is always better when we're doing it in connection. So don't fall for the messages that only macho men are tough, they are weak.

And their bodies, your body as a man, there will be a point. It fails you, and that is the moment you're going to see. What kind of community am I part of? What kind of reciprocal relationships have I built so that when I can't take care of myself, I have others to help lift me back up until I can find my footing again? So if you know me, you know, I think one of the best ways to build and cultivate these types of relationships are through men's groups.

So whether it's checking out my site or getting involved in a group near you, hop to it. You will become a more powerful and resilient man. All right, until next time. If you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to evolutionary men. Apply.