The Source of Your Sexual Power as a Man

All right, and welcome back. So today we're going to talk about something pretty powerful and fundamental to all men, and that's sex and our relationship to it.

Specifically, what makes us powerful as sexual beings, as men. And off the bat, most guys are going to think of the technical things, right? How many orgasms can I give my partner? How long can I last? And yes, those can be important. And there's real techniques and tools that you can build up to get better at those things.

But those are just the surface of something deeper. What truly makes us powerful as sexual beings, as men, really comes down to this. It's based on the freedom of your attention or your awareness, whatever you might want to call that. So your ability to have choice about where your attention is going in any moment.

And truth be told, this isn't what just makes us sexually powerful as men, but just outright powerful in all areas of our life. And so what do I mean by the freedom of your attention? So the ability to decide and consciously respond in the moment versus just react is one way to think about this, right?

Being able to direct where our awareness is going in any given moment. Now, sex in particular is a really incredible place to practice this. Now, the work I do with men and a lot of men's culture starts with training men around discomfort. So the ability to be uncomfortable in our experience and still choose where to put our attention, where to put our presence, that's the source of so much masculine based practice, be it cold water plunges, intense workouts, kundalini, qigong, martial arts, exerting ourselves in doing challenging things, or even traditional in some cultures, rites of passage, right?

Sun dances, vision quests, fasting, you know, examples of being coated in ants. You can think of all the different examples of this. But what they cultivate is the ability to choose where our attention is going in the moment, to not be overwhelmed by the sensation in our body and still be able to consciously choose where we're directing our awareness.

Now, most of us get a lot of that training, like I said, through discomfort. But what we don't often talk about is that same training applies for pleasure. So for a lot of men, what makes us ejaculate in the bedroom is when we no longer have control over our awareness. Usually what that means is we become completely fused into our physical sensations until we ejaculate, until we come.

Now, like I said, there's techniques and tools and strategies for how you deal with that. One of the most powerful of which, really underneath it all, is just breath. But breath itself is an embodied, somatic tool for choosing where our awareness is. By bringing our attention to our breath, we're directing our awareness in the moment. Your ability to do that, to be free with your awareness and to be able to choose where you're putting it, that's what makes you powerful as a masculine, sexually oriented being.

That's what will make you unforgettable as well. Now, another way you can think of that is being able to respond in the moment rather than just react. Being able to choose where to put my awareness is the net effect of that is something I often talk about and teach men, which is presence. Presence just means being here, aware and connected to what's happening in this moment with consciousness.

Now, that's a deep thing we have to learn to cultivate as men. But it really comes down to we're free with our attention, right? We have choice about where our awareness is when we're not present, be it sexually, in the bedroom, be it in conversation, in life, be it with ourselves. It means our consciousness has gone somewhere unintentional or unintentionally, right?

Our mind has drifted. We've become gripped by something, some thoughts, some feelings, some sensations, whatever that might be. Our practice as men is to learn to create space around that. So we have that freedom of choice, that ability to put our attention wherever it might be. And that takes work if you've never done it. You know, probably the most common popular masculine practice there is, that almost everyone's heard of by this point is meditation.

Is mindfulness. All that is is conscious awareness. Choosing where to put my consciousness in any given moment, that's what the practice is. There's countless variations of meditation, but that's really what it comes down to. My monkey mind wanders off and I bring it back, bring it back to my breath. I bring it back to this moment. I'm building that capacity. It's almost like a meta awareness to notice when I drift and bring myself back and choose to bring my focus onto this moment.

Now, beyond mindfulness, we just have to practice that as men. And there's so many different things that kind of get in the way of this freedom of attention. First and foremost, for a lot of us, it's our connection to our bodies. Either we're not in them or they're not comfortable and free. Now, the thing about a masculine body is it's most free when it's in balance and in harmony.

Another way to think of that, that I tell my guys is when it's free of tension. When it's free of tension. And now I just want you to think, how often do you feel free of any kind of tension in your body? Probably not that often. I. I know, I don't either. I haven't slept enough, I haven't eaten the right things. I'm low energy because I didn't exercise, My back is sore, my shoulder is sore.

There's thoughts running through my head, whatever that might be. Now, the thing is, it's our responsibility to deal with the tension in our body. This is a mistake a lot of men make. They approach sexuality and sex, particularly with the feminine, as a way to release that tension. So the goal of sex is to release that tension. That makes it really hard to keep this freedom of awareness during intercourse.

Now, the opposite, the other way to think of this is it's our responsibility as men to free our bodies of tension. It's our responsibility to get enough sleep, to eat well, to work out our bodies, both with vigorous physical activity and with nourishment. Massages, foam rolling, saunas, cold plunges, all the different things that help bring balance to our bodies and free them of tension.

If there is tension in your body, a large part of your consciousness is going to be going there in any given moment. That's what one of the purposes of pain is to capture your attention to kind of raise the flag that, hey, something's out of whack here. You need to check this out. The problem with us guys is it's really easy for us to normalize to that, normalize to pain, normalize to tension and make ourselves think it's no big deal when it is a big deal because it's actually sucking consciousness from us in any given moment.

Now, beyond our bodies, another thing that deeply influences the freedom of our attention, particularly in the bedroom, is what are the structures in my life outside of the bedroom, Right? So even if you're feeling free in your body physically, you may be emotionally hung up. There may be unprocessed emotions from childhood, previous relationships, from work, from all the different stresses of life that again, are capturing a little bit of that psychic energy and that do actually often then kind of show up in our bodies as tension as well.

And mentally, if we don't have good structure outside of our life, if we don't have a system in place for how we handle the most important things in our life, our mind is constantly using some of its psychic energy on all the different things we're tracking. Right? This is why having good structure as a man is part of what makes us sexually valuable. The same things that show up on the meditation cushion are going to show up in the bedroom.

So if you're supposed to get some milk because you're low on it, using the cliche example, and you don't have a structure or don't have a system, but you know it needs to happen, part of your psychic energy is going there. So when you sit down to meditate, you're not fully there. There's a piece of your brain holding that tension for you. Gotta get the milk. Gotta get the milk.

Don't forget to get the milk. So you won't forget, even though you might forget. Part of your brain's still going there. Now, that's gonna show up in the bedroom, too. Any of those open loops in your life are taking psychic energy, thus unconsciously pulling away parts of your attention that you don't have choice over. Now, the alternative to that, what I mean by developing good structures as men is what's our system for handling the most important things in our life?

Whether that's just a piece of paper in our back pocket, digital planner routines and rituals so that we know certain things will be bought at the store or whatever that might be. These are systems that run, that we can put things into in a moment of presence so that we then don't have to hold that later on. Right? You can think of this with digital assistance now.

Hey, Siri. Okay, Google. And you tell it that thing the moment you remember it, and then you don't have to hold on to that after that. Maybe you set a reminder, maybe you set an alarm in the moment of consciousness. You've committed it to a system that's then going to hold that for you so you don't need to. This is so important in our life as men as to why it's important to be organized, to be on top of our shit, so to speak.

Because otherwise it's taking away our psychic energy. It's using up our presence. And that's going to show up in the bedroom. I guarantee it. Now, your ability to stay connected to your breath and to consciously choose where you're directing your awareness in the moment, that is what makes you a great lover.

When you have that deep presence, because you have powerful structure in your life, allowing for that, it's so much easier to notice the subtle movements and breaths of our partner. And then that directs us further in terms of where our attention goes. Now, at the beginning, I said, when most men think of what makes us sexually powerful, they think of how many orgasms can I give her, how long can I last.

Like I said, there is training for that. And the right dosage of that can be incredibly important. But underneath all of that is this. This piece about the freedom of your attention. That's really what it comes down to. If your attention isn't free, you're gonna miss the subtle cues of her body that can help bring her to orgasm.

Just cultivating this ability to be free with your attention will change your love life forever. It'll in fact change all parts of your life. You can start to notice in other men in particular, the difference between gripped consciousness and free consciousness. Gripped consciousness, right? Can't stop talking about a thing. Totally wound up, whatever that might be, usually brings tension into the bodies of anyone around them, versus ungripped and free.

It actually relaxes us and allows us to be more present when we're in the presence of other men like that. Not a lot of guys have developed this capacity outside of some spiritual traditions and some martial arts, but you can actually do. Just takes practice and the right tools to help guide you along the way.

Tools that involve changing the structures of your life, tools that involve practicing directing your consciousness, directing your mind, tools that involve opening your body to free it of tension. These are powerful ingredients that, when we put them together, allow us to be a fully present man who has a freedom of consciousness, a freedom of attention that in any given moment we can choose where to direct it, right?

And there's almost nothing that makes the feminine feel more alive than that. Wow. His attention could be anywhere right now, and he's choosing to put it on me, and he doesn't need anything from me. That's a pretty powerful place we can get to. And he doesn't need anything from me.

There's actually quite a bit in there as to what that means beyond just the freedom of attention. But that ability can't be faked. She can feel whether or not your attention is freely choosing her, if it's needing her, it won't land on her the same. It won't open her the same. Your ability to freely choose, that is something you have to take responsibility for, something you have to cultivate in your life.

When we have that, we have more freedom of attention, right? We can choose where our awareness is going, or at least we think we can, right? Plenty of evidence that shows having massive wealth is actually incredibly hard and challenging and takes a lot of our attention. But having enough so that we know our structures are handled is what we're really looking for, where we're not having to psychically put some energy to that in the moment.

So I want you to think about how free is your attention as a man, particularly in the bedroom. Are you thinking of exes? Are you thinking of the right move to make? Is your body not feeling great? Are you thinking about work, whatever that might be? Or are you even getting lost in the pleasure and the sensation? Those are the obstructions to this freedom, this freedom of attention.

When you can cultivate that your sexual power is unstoppable. If you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to evolutionary men. Apply.