Polarity is the Easy Part

All right, guys, welcome back. And on this episode, I want to talk about the problem with polarity.

Or in a sense, maybe it's not so much a problem, just a big misconception. And here's the deal. If you haven't heard about it before, polarity is just the term we use to talk about the interaction between masculine energy and feminine energy or how we create erotic charge and polarity in an intimate relationship. And we use the analogy here of magnets, right? If you have two magnets, if one is positive and one is negative, there's a force of attraction between the two.

If they're both the same, they push each other apart. And one of the many challenges of modern relationships is a lot of relationships are depolarized or have a reverse polarity, which causes there to be an either repulsion or just a lot of neutral, flat energy. So polarity is the practice of how do we create that charge in our intimate relationship? And we tend to use the terms masculine and feminine. But you can use whatever terms you want for these that are disconnected from the baggage of those terms.

Right? I say feeling in perspective. There's go and flow. There's life and death. There's movement and. And stillness. There's consciousness and light, and there's alpha and omega. Again, doesn't matter what you call them. But here's the deal. Polarity, because it's. Polarity is sexy. It's easy to sell. We want to have that capacity inside of ourselves to create, turn on for the people we're most attracted to.

We can get better at being in the more feminine side of ourselves and in the more masculine side of ourselves. But here's the deal. I've been in the polarity world for a while. I've studied with some amazing teachers. I practice it with my wife and, and I'm grateful for all of that and thankful for all the training and tools I've learned. I've been listening to Right. David Data for decades at this point, and it's really good stuff.

But where it's gotten kind of hooked into the social media thing that creates a problem, I think, is that here's the deal. Polarity is easy. And what do I mean by that? Well, we're going to hit certain limits in ourselves and whatnot, but the tools and the practices to learn polarity you can basically pick up in a weekend workshop. It's not as complicated as we sometimes think it is.

So learning the practices of how to still ourselves get grounded as men. Learning the practices of how to open and soften if we're holding the feminine pole, these are things you can pretty quickly get led through. But what I've seen, both in my own journey and now in the many journeys of men I've supported along this way, and my wife's seen it as well with the women she works with, is pretty quickly the challenge becomes not that it's not doing those practices of polarity, it's.

Right? This could be attachment wounding from when we were kids. This could be self neglect and particularly as us men, us just not taking care of our bodies so we're too wound up and stressed to even be able to relax into our masculine. This could be old wounds and unprocessed hurts in our relationship itself or the patterns of communication we've created over long, long periods of time.

And so it's super sexy and easy in a sense to sell polarity as the fun thing. But what you'll quickly find is your limit, I think, for how deep you can go in. That is all the unprocessed emotional and physical wounding in your nervous system that you haven't just dealt with yet. And so there's a deeper type of skill building and capacity that has to be created there.

And that's what takes therapy. That's what takes men's groups. That's what takes coaching. That's what sometimes even takes rehab in a sense of our bodies or our souls or whatever that might be. And that part is hard to me. It's a lot harder than standing in a polarized practice, which I can do on demand. Now, even one of the challenges I often find in my relationship and I've seen with a lot of guys is, well, yeah, there's something in the way of me even stepping in to doing those practices.

That is much Easier to create. It's something I've talked about before than the deep safety, trust, and connection. And here's the thing. Willingness to come back to working these hard parts in the relationship, right? One of my favorite new phrases I heard from a therapist was, we want to be in a relationship where both partners are allowed to regress into vulnerability.

What does that mean? It just means everyone, I don't care how much fucking work you've done, there's going to be points in your life where you get triggered and relapse into these old wounded parts of yourselves and aren't showing up as your full, wise adult. And in those moments, your partner sometimes has to hold you while you regress into that vulnerability, and then you're able to bring yourself back and come back to the wise adult.

Now, no relationship should be set up so that's always one person. That's a huge red flag. You both want to have the capacity and willingness to allow each other to go there sometimes. Meaning, I'm okay with you getting triggered. Sometimes you don't have to be perfect. And I expect that in return as well. And when we can hold each other in that and create the safety, create the trust to keep going deeper and deeper and working these wounds, these patterns, these attachments, what happens is we clear the decks.

And the more we clear the decks, the easier it is to drop into polarity. Because the practices themselves, like I said, aren't that complicated. I teach a lot of them with my wife, Violet, in our 12 epic dates and Evolutionary Couples Program. And the majority of that program actually isn't polarity. It's how to create the safety, trust, and connection and work through conflict or come back to harmony or even just have some fun with each other and build the muscle and habit so that when we show up to these relational moments, we're actually able to participate.

And it's just something I see over and over. Because again, the polarity stuff, it's sexy, it sells, it's fun imagery. We like the sense of, I want to be that guy. But what doesn't sell, what isn't as sexy to put online, is all the hard healing work that often has to go on underneath the surface to create that right. You can have a highly polarized relationship that is unbelievably dysfunctional and unsafe.

Work with guys all the time that. That are in that space, just like on the other side. You can have a very safe relationship that's highly depolarized and there's no sexual energy in there. But guess what? That is much easier to fix. My wife and I work with couples around this. If you're safe and connected and just need a little more spice, polarity is pretty quick. Couple sessions, we teach you a few things, Boom, you got some tools you can generate that heat.

If the safety, trust, connection, ability to rupture and repair and that willingness to each have taken on the responsibility of healing our own pain and being responsible for our nervous systems if that's not there. Polarity is only going to take you so far. Yeah, you can have these short hot moments, but they're not going to last and, and they're not actually going to go as deep as what's possible when that full heart based trust is really there.

That only comes from this kind of unsexy healing work, as I call it, or the practice and process of becoming more intimate with each other in the sense of feeling trust, feeling love, and feeling more important than anything else, safe, right? The deepest polarity is going to come when both partners feel really safe in the connection and in the relationship. Now what makes us not feel safe?

That's the whole point of what I'm talking about here in that that's the deep work that's often much more challenging and confronting and, and not easy to really just get rid of in a weekend. This is where we have to sign up and do therapy, do coaching, get into men's work, get into programs, do shadow work. All these things that I tend to work with men around so that lo and behold, when those moments come and we want to turn on the erotic charge, we're really available for that and we've removed the blocks from doing so in a way that it can be sustainable and on demand and doesn't have to just happen in the container, the highly structured container of a workshop or a coaching session or whatever that might be.

So I love polarity. It's an incredible skill and tool set to cultivate as a man and to be able to bring into modern intimate relationships. But the thing is, that is the easy part, right? Again, you can come in and learn that stuff really fast. Couple of practices, it often only takes a couple of minutes, but it's all the other gunk around it that gets in the way of relationships that is so much more challenging and takes so much more work and frankly isn't nearly as sexy to promote in advertising, etc.

And so polarity, you know, it's having a moment in the sphere. Everyone wants to be a polarity teacher, but again, my argument is that's the easy Part right, You're going to pretty quickly come up against your limits of the unhealed stuff inside your nervous system really fast as you practice that. And that's much more challenging and it takes a much deeper level of commitment. But if you stay committed to that and fixing that, it's so much easier to just sprinkle the polarity in.

You can go to evolutionarycouples us if you want to do 12 epic dates with my wife Violet and I, which you can do in partnership. And I got the shadow work program heartofshadow.com and live retreats. Evolutionary Men slash retreat. If you want to get involved there, this stuff can be handled and you got to do both. That's the good news and the bad news, guys. The polarity is the sexy part. It's actually the pretty quick part. It's everything else that's challenging.

And that's where I'm really going to invite you to step in and lead yourself or lead your relationship. Because then it's just much easier to have healthy, satisfying, long term, polarized partnerships. All right, until next time, guys. If you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to Evolutionary Men Apply.