Own Your Needs Without Being Needy

All right, and welcome back. So on today's episode, I want to talk about an issue that's shown up a lot in some of the groups and coaching I've done with men over the years.

And that's really honing in on the difference between needs and being needy. This is really important when it comes to our relationships in life and how much people really want to be with us, in a sense. And if we come across too needy, it often pushes people away. When we express our needs directly, it often pulls people, well, at least the right people, closer in. So let's start with neediness.

You know, what is it that's really going on when we're feeling needy or someone says, you're being too needy, and we just have this general sense of neediness about us? Well, there's a couple of key things here. One, it's that oftentimes there's an urgency and a charge to it. There's something in our nervous system that we have to get fixed and that causes us to act with a certain amount of urgency, in my experience.

The other thing about neediness is it's often very covert, indirect. So neediness shows up oftentimes when we're not actually asking for what we want, but we're trying to get it through other means by nagging or hinting or coming towards someone without actually being clear about what it is we're asking for. It also often puts the locust of control on the other person.

Right. When we're being needy, we're saying, you have to do something in order for me to be okay. This is so key and important, and I see it show up a lot in us so called nice guys, right? There's an urgency that if I don't get this or you don't do this, then I'm not going to be okay. And so it can lead to some pretty deep codependency because then I'm doing whatever I can to make you okay so that you'll make me okay.

But the real key here with neediness, right, is there's often a sense of kind of collapse and a lack of ownership around it. It's very indirect. And like I said, in the words of Dr. Robert Glover, it's often kind of the Roots of our covert contracts, right? When we're trying to get something, but. But we're not being clear about it. And when the sense is, if I don't get this here, I'm not going to be okay, I will not be okay.

So there's an urgency often to it. And sometimes in my experience, I've been on both sides of this. There can kind of be like a vampiric quality to it of like, ah, I need this, otherwise I'm not going to live, right? Neediness showed up for me. You know, what was coming up in my mind when I was thinking about this was back in college, there would be women I'd be interested in and I would ask them. You know, basically I would kind of hint that I wanted to go on a date and say, hey, you know, maybe something Friday.

But then I wouldn't be very clear. And then I would kind of just wait all day, right? I would wait the whole day without being direct and I wouldn't go do other things because a part of me felt, if I don't get this from them, I'm not going to be okay. There was a neediness to it rather than me being direct and saying, hey, this is what I want. Are you open to that? And then they could, you know, say yes or no. I lived in the gray space and then tried to kind of make myself available in case they wanted it or they came towards me.

But really all the power was on their side because I wasn't initiating. I used to do this a lot too early in relationships and dating where I had a neediness in terms of getting to bed and sex quickly with partners, because if I didn't get that, my fear was they weren't going to be interested in me. It was going to turn into a friend zone thing and it would kind of be all over. But I had this story that, wow, if we can get physical, then it makes it serious, then I can relax.

And there was a neediness to that that sometimes had me be a little too hungry for something and not enjoy the early stages of relationship and actually let them unfold. Neediness can show up everywhere. It really is about an energy of kind of collapse. I'm not okay. I'm not going to be okay unless you do this thing. And again, it's not very direct.

It can come across covert under the surface. It can come across as nagging or whining. But the sense is I'm not going to actually clearly ask for what I need or want, and I'm not going to be okay if I don't get it from you. So let's contrast this with the idea of needs. And this is so key because, right. I work with a lot of men on their agency, their masculinity, their ability to move forward towards the things they want.

And the truth is, we like to often, as men, live in these fantasies of, you know, there'll be a time and place I can get to where I have no needs. And that's just not true, right? We all have needs. We are human beings. But what differentiates a need from neediness is a couple of these key things that, lo and behold, are kind of the polarity of neediness and some of what we talked about. One of the first ones and most important ones is needs often involve us taking responsibility for getting what we want, right?

They are often vulnerable and they require some ownership and directness. If you kind of feel this all together, there's often speaking in the first, my desire, my want, I need this. So it's very direct. And it's vulnerable because when we're direct, we actually open up the space to not getting what we want, right? To actually getting a direct negation of that need, that someone's not available for that or not open to that.

And that can hurt, that can sting. And that can often, for many of us, based on our childhoods and our family of origins, tie right into a shame system that makes us think that having needs is bad in the first place. So, okay, wow, there must be something wrong with me because I needed that and you said no. So it's, ugh, it's because I'm no good. That'll often lead to that neediness, right? But needs are just, hey, this is what I need. I can be clear about it and direct about it.

And why is because the idea is, even if I ask you directly and don't get what I want, I'm going to be okay. This is so important. Meaning doesn't mean I'm not going to feel hurt or. Or feel stung. But I have a system in resources around me where I'm eventually going to get this need met somewhere else if it's not with you. So in a sense, needs are a little bit more like a preference.

It's like, I would prefer to have this experience with you. And you know what? If not, I'm going to find some resource in myself and find a way to get it elsewhere, right? Which might involve actually exiting the relationship if it's an intimate one and there's some real mismatch it might involve getting some support outside your intimate partner if it's around emotional closeness or coaching or nervous system regulation. Right? The idea is in our mind, we can feel in our body.

I want this to be with you. It's my desire. I would like you to meet this need, but if not, I'm not going to die. There's other things I know I can do to eventually get this need met. The risk of needs, right, and expressing them, like I said, is someone can say no and they often prompt more action in our lives. They can bring relationships to a close when we start expressing them clearly and directly.

Neediness often keeps things perpetuated in the gray zone, extended for a long period of time. But when we're able to own our needs, hey, I want this, I need this for me to be all in on this relationship or on this project. Here's my needs, okay? So now I'm going to put them out there directly. And then the other person's going to have an opportunity to respond.

And I can do that. I can own that. I can bring that vulnerability forward because I'm owning my experience, I'm owning what I want, and I know I'm going to be okay either way. That is not the case when it comes to neediness. So there is a bit of self that's involved here. That's kind of the differentiating factor, right? Certain things, the exact same thing could be needy or a need. Wow, I'm really turned on by you tonight.

I would love to be intimate. Just feel that statement for a second. The need version is this is my desire. And you know what? If that doesn't happen, it's going to be okay. The needy version is we never have sex anymore. Oh, my God, I need. I need to have sex tonight. I'm just. I'm not going to be okay otherwise, right? You can feel there's like an urgency that I need to get something from you in order to be okay versus I want to express something because I am okay, right?

There's almost like a positive charge on needs and sometimes more of a negative charge on neediness. I mean, I'm taking needs actually allow us to create more connection. We can bring more of ourselves forward when we're owning a need and it's met. And so it really is about the energy and the system you have around you in terms of how grounded in yourself you are, how connected you are to friends, community, family, the world, nature around you.

Very, very important key and your capacity, right, to get that need met and be able to take action in other ways if you can't get it met here, Neediness, again, it just has so much less capacity because the feeling is I have to try to get it here because if I don't, I can't get it anywhere else and I'm not gonna be okay. Now a lot of the work I do with men is okay.

Then how do we actually create the ground to be able to come forward with our vulnerable requests, desires and yes, needs so that they don't come across as clingy or graspy or vampiric. And lo and behold, if you've listened to this show or what's a great way to do that, foster and invest in relationships with other deep men, right? Something like a men's group or coaches working with people like that, that you can actually bring the part of you that you feel that feels needy to that person.

So you bring it to a safe person to allow some of that needy charge to move through and then you get clear and make a, a plan, make an action plan of okay. And if it doesn't happen there, what else am I doing in my life to get that fed in a sense, right? I see this one time and time again that in particular, as men start to create a larger system around them of other men, lo and behold, a lot of their needs can start to be met in other areas.

So there's a lot of power in terms of bringing this forward directly. There's a huge difference between being needy, covert, collapsed, charged, not feeling okay. The sense of, oh my God, if this doesn't happen here, I'm not going to be okay. And it actually puts all the agency and the power in the other person's hands. Whereas a need, expressing it directly is you taking responsibility and ownership and being vulnerable, it's actually you taking the power in the situation because it's.

I'm going to put this out there and find out is it possible to get this circuit closed in this relationship or interaction? Okay, it's not. So now I have the power to try to get this need met somewhere else, whatever that might look like in whatever space of time that might be. And that's much easier to do because we've cultivated this okayness in our life. We're part of a system where no one relationship is going to make or break our well being.

We're right. We have a bigger system, a connection with other men, passions, hobbies, places we can go for platonic touch and connection and coaching and support. All of those different things add up to this really robust ground where we can still, inside of ourselves, get really clear about our desire. I want this. I would prefer to have this need met by you. And if you can't meet that, okay, then something's going to change here and I might have to get that need met somewhere else.

Or we might have to negotiate my need and your need and find ourselves somewhere in the middle. So it is really important, guys. It is totally okay to have needs that is very different from being needy. There's lots you can do to cultivate that space of coming forward with your needs. All right, until next time, if you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to evolutionary men.

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