Leading with Vulnerability

All right, and welcome back. So today I want to talk about leading with vulnerability.

Vulnerability is a pretty big buzzword these days and over the last couple years, and rightly so. It's a really powerful concept that can be absolutely life changing. For us men in particular, it can actually be kind of a muddled gray space in that oftentimes we wonder, how vulnerable should I be? Am I being too vulnerable? Should I be tough? Should I hold back?

And how I teach men I work with is I say vulnerability is authenticity plus risk. So authenticity, meaning the truth in the moment, your truth in the moment as it's being revealed to you in real time. Here's what's true for me, here's what's honest for me, and then risk, meaning there has to be something at stake for it to be vulnerable.

It's not vulnerable for me to say, oh, it's 86 degrees out today and it's pm or whatever it might be. That's authentic. That's the truth of my experience right now. But there's no risk involved, so it's not necessarily vulnerable. So vulnerability is the sweet spot of when we're revealing the truth inside us in the moment. And there's some kind of risk involved of. And I don't know how this is going to be received.

Right. I don't actually know how this is going to be received by the person across from me. And it's that vulnerability, that essence, that opening of taking that risk that makes it so powerful. Now, there's also another kind of frame for vulnerability, which is often, I think, what women and the feminine are speaking to when they say they want their man to be more vulnerable. And that's really just the capacity to feel so your capacity to be open to and be with your experience, particularly your emotional one.

A lot of us men have been cultured to be disconnected from our emotions, to be disconnected from our bodies. Everything we're taught is that you got to be tough, don't show weakness, work harder, push forward. We're pretty much rewarded for being disconnected from our bodies, from being disconnected from our feelings in a lot of ways. And so we don't necessarily have a deep capacity to feel and be actually with our experience in the moment.

Now, the alternative to this, right, when we don't have that capacity to feel, when we haven't cultivated this type of vulnerability, is often we're numbed out or we're gripped, right? So we're numbed out, meaning we are totally disconnected from our inner experience. And sometimes even our bodies. We don't even know what's going on inside of us. And this can be pretty distressing to partners sometimes, or people in our lives when they can get a sense that something's going on for us, but we're just not even willing to admit it, or we don't have the capacity to notice it or feel it in the moment.

Then there's the gripping itself, which means we're just totally braced, right? Or totally wound up inside of something which might seem like it's actually being with it, but it actually isn't. The type of vulnerability of feeling I'm talking about requires a certain openness in our body to actually be fully with the sensations and experience inside our body. When we're gripped, we're not relaxed, we're braced.

We're actually fighting against or trying not to feel something a lot of times. So while we might be getting agitated or angry, often what we're gripped against is fear or shame or sadness. And I think it's often the case that what a lot of women are talking about when they say they want their man to be more vulnerable is they want to feel him feeling. That's it. That doesn't mean sharing everything necessarily.

And that's kind of where we're going to dive into next of where sometimes vulnerability can actually be a problem. And there's a way that if you haven't really explored these definitions or you don't think about it, men, you know, hear this thing like, we need to be more vulnerable. And they take that as well. I need to share everything. I need to share my whole experience. I need to just be totally transparent with my partner. Now, while there's a time and place for that and it can be useful, that kind of sharing isn't really what we're talking about.

What that often leads to is processing just kind of laying it all out there like you're talking to a therapist and saying, here's all my stuff, right? And in romantic relationship in particular, that's not super compatible with attraction and erotic friction and desire. And for feminine partners in particular, if they feel us men kind of saying, hey, hold this, can you take this?

I don't know what to do. Meaning we're either gripped or we're collapsed around whatever we're feeling. Meaning we're unable to feel our feet on the ground and be able to take meaningful action. So collapse just means, oh my God, I don't know what to do. I'm overwhelmed. This is so hard, or whatever that might be. There's a feeling of I'm like totally collapsed in it. That's often not super attractive. And that can often be exhausting to a our partners.

And that's where vulnerability often doesn't work when we bring it into relationship. Because women in particular sometimes don't know what to do with a man in this collapsed, vulnerable state. Well, does he want me to fix it for him? Does he want me to mother him? I'm not sure. And that can cause a lot of problems. Now, the alternative is being able to bring the truth of your experience, Bringing that authenticity, bringing that risk.

Being able to be open and fully in touch with and actually feeling the emotions or sensations in our body. So these are physical sensations of which emotions are basically just that. They are physical sensations too. They start a sensation in our body and our ability to just be with that. Yeah, I'm feeling sad. When we have that. When we have that capacity to be in our experience, but not collapsed in it or fused with it, and we're surrounded by a support network.

She did not feel connected to me. And she genuinely kind of felt afraid of, like, what is going on is. Does he have a plan? What. What's going to happen here? And so we. We were sitting down once, remember exactly where we were at the kitchen table in a caddy corner across from each other. And it became clear, you know, I gotta open up here, I gotta bring it. And so I took a couple deep breaths, just kind of just sat with myself a little bit. And, you know, I looked her in the eye and I was just like, yeah, you know, right now in my life, it just feels like I'm losing everywhere and I want to be winning.

And it really hurts and it's really hard and I'm trying to figure it out. And just that two or three sentences, that's what I mean by bottom lining it. Those two or three sentences. Her whole body relaxed. She felt led into my world. She knew what was going on inside of me now, and she felt closer to me and I felt closer to her. And then we had a little discussion beyond that.

But I didn't unload it all on her. I didn't share in a panicked way, like, I'm freaked out. I don't know how I'm going to do this or this or this. I just brought that depth. This is the truth of my experience. And I'm trying to figure it out that less is more. That bottom lining is one of the key ingredients when it comes to us being able to bring vulnerability powerfully as masculine leaders, when we can really bring it into its purest essence.

There's often not a lot there. For a lot of us men, honestly, it does often come down to, I feel like I'm losing and I want to be winning. So often the case with us. But there's all kinds of other ways we can bottom line things. And it takes practice. And it's one of the things I love about men's groups is what you can do in a men's group is you can bring the sloppy, unworked out. I don't know what's going on I just got to get stuff off my chest. I'm gripped, I'm numbed out. Whatever you can unload, because it's a consensual container, a men's group, you can just release, let it go.

Leading with vulnerability is such a powerful thing. What it actually means is your capacity to open and bring depth to a relational interaction. This often involves us going first as men. This is another type of bottom lining and of rock bottoming in it. Of there's a lot of different things our attention could be on right now.

There's a lot of different places our conversation would go. But I'm going to feel into what would bring us closer, what would open the connection between the two of us, what type of depth can I bring here that would really change how we're relating in the moment? And that leading with vulnerability often means we step into the space of bringing that authenticity and risk being able to own our experience, own the truth of our bodies in this succinct way, while we have the support network around us and we just lay it out, here's what's going on for me and us going first.

It actually creates a space. It creates a relational space that then invites, but doesn't demand the other person to step into it as well. And I've been leading men's groups for many years now, and I've seen this hundreds of times. This is the power of maybe it's a new group or some new members feeling each other out, or hell, even groups that have been meeting for a long time and just kind of habitually float back up into the surface level.

But all it takes is one person to bring their vulnerability to really just go for it, to be authentic, to be real, and to take a risk, to reveal the truth of their life, their heart, whatever's going on in this deep, masculine way we've been talking about. And what it does is it radically opens the space and often gives other people permission to then step in with their vulnerability.

And then it becomes just this beautiful deepening swirl where every time one man steps in, it allows everyone to step in even deeper. And that is the power of leading with vulnerability. It's bringing your truth and taking that risk and going for it, even when there's no guaranteed outcome, even when you don't know how it's going to be received. And that's what makes it powerful, that's what makes it leadership, that's what makes it about saying, hey, let's take this conversation to another level.

Let's not hold back, let's not play on the surface, let's really do this. And as men, as we cultivate this ability, which takes time, takes practice, takes being around other men, takes increasing our emotional intelligence, it takes increasing our ability to attune to ourselves, our own interoception, our ability to know our inner world and then to be with it through a well regulated nervous system, as we can do that, as we can bring that, it leads us to a place of deep freedom as men.

And it's that freedom that is so engaging and attractive and enticing to other human beings. Our ability to just go in and be with our emotional experience, not collapse into it or posture against it, but to just fluidly be with it allows us to move freely through our inner world and the outer world.

A man who is gripped, right, who is lost or fused in his emotional experience, who has collapsed in his emotional experience, was numbed out to his emotional experience, is not free. And that's another part of I think oftentimes what women and feminine partners are reflecting to men when they say, I wish you were more vulnerable. They're kind of saying is I can feel you're not free.

You're gripped by something here. What is it? Can you be with it? Can you share it? Can you hold it lightly, whatever that might be? When we're gripped, we're not particularly fun to be around as men. That gripping often involves a tightening of our body and all of our attention and focus going into our own thoughts, our own right, that endless ruminating loop when we're ruminating and looping on ourselves doesn't really create a lot of room for connection with other.

So vulnerability is an incredibly powerful thing for us men to learn to bring into life and to lead with, to cultivate in our relationships, in our families, with our co workers, wherever it might be. It's that ability to really open others, right when we can really be with our experience and we're saying, hey, here's my truth, it's inviting someone else to bring their truth.

And there is Nothing quite as powerful as feeling another human being open near you, right with you. They actually open to their experience by us being with our emotions in this powerful way, this vulnerable way we've been talking about, or inviting others to do the same inside themselves. And this is where there's the. It's almost like a contagion in groups as we get vulnerable, as we get real, there's like a relaxation, a big exhale.

I often see through groups as everyone sinks into, oh, here, here, I can just be. I don't have to bullshit, I don't have to pretend. I just get to be and reveal what is. And that's a powerful thing. When you can be a man who leads with vulnerability and opens and brings depth to the moment, you're making a massive impact in the world.

Just your presence alone doing that changes the world. Your freedom in your body and your experience brings freedom to all those you interact with in this way. And who doesn't want to be a little bit more free, a little bit more open, able to receive and give even more love? I know it's something I'm definitely working on every single day.

And it's hard. Some days are a win, some days are a loss, some days somewhere in the middle. But always this idea of, hey, it's better to lead with vulnerability and be the one to open the space, to open the relationship, to deepen it to another level, than to not. And you won't be forgotten if you're the one that brings that to any interaction. Until next time, if you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to evolutionary men.

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