Leadership & Creating Shared Reality

All right, and welcome back. So, on today's episode, I want to talk about a frame of what masculine leadership actually is, and that has to do with this idea of creating shared reality.

So what is shared reality? Shared reality basically means you and I are on the same page, right? We're in a place of mutual understanding in our connection and in our communication. And this is a term I learned from the authentic relating world. And it's quite powerful and pretty amazing how often conflict comes from us not having shared reality.

So another way to think about this is the masculine part of the gift of the masculine inside of all of us, regardless of our gender or orientation is the part that brings structure, clarity in context to the moment. Or as I sometimes tell guys I work with, it's when we take the it implicit and we make it explicit.

That's another way to really think about what it means to create shared reality. And in a relational context, creating shared reality is leadership. And in fact, is so important because it also creates safety. So one place that off the bat, I can use an, as an example here of what it means to create safety via shared reality is in something as simple as agreements, right?

Rules, which are really just a set of contexts around how we're going to connect or relate or play a game. And so when I lead a men's group, let's say we of the first things I do is I go over our agreements. Here are the road rules for how we're going to show up for each other in this time and in this place. If I don't set those agreements, we all can come in with different ideas about how we're supposed to act, behave, or how this thing works.

And. And so often in deep transformational work, one of the first things you'll see leaders do is set agreements, context. It's creating shared reality. Something as simple as everything that happens here in this circle or in this workshop is confidential, meaning none of us are going to go out and share about it in the outside world, right? Particularly talking about other people's names or things.

What does that do? It relaxes our nervous system from having to worry about, oh, if I show this or share this or I'm vulnerable in this way, is it going to get out somehow? And so then we're less present if that belief is running through us. But when we have the context, the agreement, suddenly there's shared reality in the group that, wow, everything that happens here is staying here. It's not going to be shared elsewhere. So I can relax and feel safe that I don't have to be limiting how I'm sharing or whatnot.

So agreements are a powerful example of creating shared reality and how we can lead and create safety even in relationships. Right? It's great as a couple to come up with a couple of agreements. When we fight, what are our rules for fighting? Right. It's pretty crazy, but it can be so effective. No name calling, no disappearing, no being aggressive or hitting or hurting each other.

Just some ground rules. Right? You could create whatever ones you wanted for your relationship, but a place where us men can take the lead is by being the ones to initiate those conversations and create that shared reality. I do a lot of work with men around dating and relationships as well. And this is a place where men often drop the ball in terms of talking about what is happening in our relationship, particularly early on.

So creating shared reality in a dating situation might be, hey, we've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks now. In fact, we've even been intimate. I wanted to check in so we can talk about what's happening between us and what we're really available for and what we're open for. My senses, I'd like to just date you and be exclusive to you, and that's what I'm feeling. Is that true for you? What are you feeling?

Right? And so you're sharing your truth and you're inviting the truth of the other. And in the meeting point, you create shared reality, you might get a piece of feedback that's like, oh, no, actually, I'm still dating someone else. And that's where I'm at right now. I want to be dating both of you. I'm not ready to commit. Okay, maybe that's not what you wanted to hear, but now you're on the same page. You're not just assuming something's happening. You've made it explicit.

Here's what I want to be happening. And now we know what's actually happening between us. And this is such a superpower when we can be the ones that go into any situation to create that shared reality. Right? To actually dig in, so to speak, and try to make the implicit explicit. Again, we see this huge in relational leadership in terms of our partner might be having experience. And it can be so Easy for us, whether they're our intimate partner, our friend, or business partner, to make up a story about what's going on, what's happening for that person.

Wow, they're a little quiet today. They're really pissed at me. They're really mad at me for that thing I did yesterday. Or the fact that I showed up late, making an assumption about their experience. And then I might behave based on that. They might think one thing about me, and it could get so messy so fast. Creating shared reality would actually be leading by checking in. Hey, I'm noticing it seems like you're a little quiet tonight. And I have a story. That's because you're actually mad at me for being late.

So much strife and so much tension in the world comes from not having this shared reality and making all kinds of assumptions about what other people are experiencing or feeling or what the context is of what we're doing. Again, this shows up big in terms of relationships and intimate relationships. So one example is not assuming you're on a date, Right?

Okay, I asked this person out. To me, it seems pretty clear we're on a date. But if you haven't made it explicit, you can't assume that. And I've worked with a lot of men who have felt a lot of pain around that, because all signs and signals really were it was a date. And it's pretty reasonable to assume. But if you haven't created that shared reality, the other person can be having a very different experience of that. And learning to lead in this way is also particularly important for nice guys.

Right? I consider myself a recovering nice guy. I'm a nice guy, coach. I've been heavily influenced by Dr. Glover, a mentor and friend, and he created this idea I've talked about before of, right, covert contracts. Contracts where we're doing something in hope of getting something back. But guess what? Nobody ever actually signed that deal. We've never spoken about it. It's implicit. It's an implicit assumption that if I keep doing these things, for you, you're going to do X back from me when the truth is the other person hasn't agreed to that, and so it's not really fair.

That's implicit and there's no shared reality there. Then we start to get pissy and frustrated. I'm always doing this for this person and they're never doing anything back. They must not love me or they're taking advantage of me or X, Y or Z, which is totally different than, you know, what I noticed. This thing keeps happening and I want to create shared reality here. Hey, I would like you to sometimes do X, and in exchange for that, I'm sometimes willing to do Y. Does that sound like a fair deal for you?

Are you up for that, partner? My step might step in and say yes. Partner might also step in and say yes, absolutely. No, that doesn't work for me at all. Either way, you're now going to be closer to each other because there's going to be more shared reality. This is such a key thing. We can never truly know what's happening in the inner experience or inner world of someone else unless we ask.

And it'd be great if we could read minds. Yes, we have powerful intuitions, but the assumption is we don't know. We have to ask. We have to be curious. We can own our projections and stories, but we have to create shared reality. And if you want to be a potent and powerful masculine leader in the world that is moving towards the things you want and is able to help other people move towards what they want, this is one of the foundational capacities you have to cultivate the willingness and belief to bring clarity and context and make the implicit explicit in any given moment to create shared reality.

Because if you're not on the same page, you can keep playing out the same disastrous scenarios over and over and over again. I know I have and I know many, many men I've worked with have as well. It's so key and so appreciated when a man can do this. It's pretty rarefied, I'll be honest. And I've been married for a number of years now, and sometimes I don't want to do it.

I don't have the energy or I'm too tired, or I just default into making certain assumptions. Well, actually, I covered going out for dinner last time, so she's going to cover it this time. I make the assumption which is very different from checking in. Hey, I covered dinner last time. Would you be open to covering dinner this time? Sure. No, whatever. But there's more shared reality there, right? I'm not assuming my partner's experience. I'm asking her and creating clarity there.

And once the clarity is there, we can negotiate or we can work for it. So one last time, creating shared reality is leadership. It is the masculine part of all of us in action, the that is bringing structure and context to the moment. Right? What are the ground rules? What is the context for how we're relating right now? What is our truth? What is happening?

Let's get some shared reality around that. The powerful thing about that is it does tend to create more connection and closeness, even when there might be conflict. And to get better at this, one of the best things we can do is build up the capacity of our nervous system to deal with intensity so we can stay resilient and have even more power, more capacity for leading these connections and conversations.

And when we do, when we are the ones that are bold and brave enough to open up the conversation and create context and create that shared reality, it always creates more safety, because now we're on the same page. Now we understand what's going on. We don't have to be using some of our awareness, some of our consciousness, some of our presence to be protecting ourselves all the time.

Shared reality can do that. It's a really powerful thing to cultivate. And if you want some help, definitely reach out. All right. Until next time. If you're interested in working with me around dating, relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to evolutionary men. Apply.