If It Doesn’t Challenge You It Doesn’t Change You

All right, and welcome back. So I was working out at home last week following one of those online videos where someone guides you through a routine.

And the trainer in the program said a phrase that really stuck with me that I want to talk about today. And what she said was, if it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. It. And I've really been thinking about that a lot. Challenge is this topic I've covered before and this idea that to grow, we need to lean into our edge, right? Which is another way of thinking about vulnerability. But we need to stretch ourselves into new capacities or behaviors or things that might be a little bit uncomfortable.

And it's super clear and easy to think about this just in terms of physiology, right? If we want to build muscle mass, we have to extend our muscles, actually work them out just a little bit past their capacity. In that process, they break down, they grow back stronger. Inner growth is often the same way. And this idea, if it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. That's a pretty common one in the men's work world. And we often think about, you know, you know, men facing their age edge doing really hard things.

And that is so important. And it works, right? We need to do challenging things. We need to change our behavior if we want different results and if it doesn't create a little bit of stress, a little bit of friction, often we aren't really changing. Now, I'm a guy who, particularly in my 20s, I really wanted to change but didn't quite know how and never really committed. And what I mean by that, I think this is even more a problem for all of us these days is I would read stuff, I would listen to books, I would buy workshops and different at home programs.

But then the thing is I, I would learn a lot of stuff, but I wouldn't actually change, right? I wouldn't actually challenge myself to act differently and have different behaviors. So my life pretty much stayed the same. And I've talked about this before, this information and transformation gap, it's never been more deadly than right now, where any given moment, right, you could be listening to this podcast, you could be watching YouTube videos, there is so much information you have access to, but the information itself isn't Sufficient for the change, it can create the bedrock.

But then the change comes through action, right? The actual challenge. So it's really important for us men to challenge ourselves, right? To set goals for ourselves, to move towards things we know we want and to move through those obstacles. And that actually creates a lot of reward for us and kind of inner confidence when we do that. And it hooks into our hormonal reward system in pretty powerful ways.

But what really kind of stood out to me about that phrase that I want to hone in on specifically today is challenge. Doesn't always look like that. And the more I work with men, the more I see that type of challenge, which just for the intents and purposes of this podcast, I'm going to call more masculine challenge, right? It's about pushing, going beyond stretching ourselves, transcending oftentimes discomfort in order to grow.

And it's really important for any human being. But there's a flip side to that same coin that is just as crucial and just as important for everybody, but for a lot of men is just as big an edge. And that challenge is in our capacity to open and receive. Simple as that. To open and receive.

A lot of men I work with, they often need to move the needle in their life in one of two ways. They either need to, yeah, structure up and move more things forward in their life with discipline and goal setting and whatnot. But just as many men need to do the opposite, need to learn to relax more, need to learn to soften our bodies, open into feeling and emotion, and in particular, receive, right?

Receive kind words, receive feedback, oftentimes even actually for those in partnership, receive love, right? To actually let our partners in to support us or nurture us or whatever that might be. And for a lot of men, this capacity to receive, to ask for help or allow help to come or even allow compliments is a huge edge. And it's a very different kind of challenge a lot of men need to step into in order to change.

This capacity to receive is one I've really had to work a lot personally. And I see in guys that shows up in the very concrete ability to just receive compliments, right? Someone shares something positive about us or our behavior or how we look or something we've done, and without practice, without having done some of this work, to open up and receive what I used to do and what I see a lot of men do is immediately discount or minimize.

Oh, yeah, it's no big deal. Or, yeah, I really wanted to do it a lot better than that, though. Or so and so really did it better. There, there, there's a way we actually close to that feedback. And one of the first markers I noticed in kind of mature masculine presence that I was around in older men's groups was just their capacity to receive, to just take a big inhale and let a compliment in. Thank you, I've worked really hard on that.

Or yeah, I really did a lot of work on that. Or I appreciate you noticing that. To just take it in and not have to immediately deflect the energy, it is a huge, huge edge for so many men. And it's counterintuitive in that a lot of men don't think about what if I want to improve my life, if I want to get more on track, that just as important as the traditional kind of men's work. Challenge, accountability, setting goals, moving towards it, going through discomfort, all of which is important.

Again, I'm not here to discount that, but it's gotta be matched by this capacity to slow down, to soften, to rest, to restore. So many men I know just push and push and push ourselves and never give ourselves the break to slow down, to get enough sleep, to enjoy a vacation or to buy ourselves something nice if we've been working really hard.

There can often be this sense of no, that'd be indulging or I can't take my foot off the brake. But what I've found in myself and seen in a lot of men is these two things have to grow in tandem. Your level of self care in opening and taking care of yourself and nurturing yourself and receiving from the world, whether that's from nature, partners you name has to go up. Just as your ability to execute and create and put more out in the world is going up as well, these things have to go up in tandem.

And a lot of the peak performers in the world, right, whether it's athletic, business, entrepreneur, you name it, they have a lot of self care around them and they've had to get really good at receiving care from others, right? This is so important. And it's a capacity in the men's work world that often gets overlooked, right? How are you unwinding? How are you slowing down into rest and digest?

How are you celebrating what you have created in your life or what you have already moved forward? How are you slowing down to just connect with the people around you and receive their appreciations and express appreciations back? So challenge. It doesn't always look like the hard thing in the traditional sense. It's not always a push. Sometimes it's A receiving. And we need both to grow.

We have to push our edge, so to speak, or open to our edge on both sides of this coin. Moving the things forward we want to move and slowing down to rest, restore and receive nourishment of whatever kind. And the more we can do both of those, the more we can actually create the life we want, the life we're aiming for, the life that'll bring us the maximum amount of fulfillment.

And it takes work and it takes community in particular. And I've been working with a lot of men recently. As I've always said, the power of a men's group, the power about being in community is so key. And one of the reasons is often we set these goals of push, push, push, change, change, change. But when we're kind of in the dirt of it, the day to day grind, it can often be hard to see our own progress.

Right. This idea I've talked about before, sometimes our self image is the last thing to update in our lives. We might be taking different action, having different results, but our story about ourselves, it's often the very last thing to change. But other people, they can often see our transformation much faster than us and they can reflect that to us. And that's one of the powers of a men's group is oftentimes we'll think, I'm not any different, I'm just as stuck as I was.

But other people can often see that change and reflect it to us. And we just have to be able to receive it, to trust it, to say, oh, okay, well sometimes I don't feel any different. But you're reflecting to me, you're seeing difference in me, in my life, in my behavior. And I'm going to let that in. And when I let that in, that allows me to trust myself and what I'm doing even more. There's a relaxation I often see in men.

In that process, we need to challenge ourselves to grow. That's one of the great powers of a group. It can challenge you in both ways to help you identify what is it you need and want in your life and are ready to move towards. And what kinds of structures and accountabilities do you need around you in order to make that happen and in the process of that, to support you in slowing down to receiving, to recharging, to opening to your actual experience in the moment and enjoying your life.

Right. What's the point in the. What's the point of working your whole life to retire when you're missing out on the best years Right? One of these totally stupid things we do in our culture. I'm going to put off living my life until I'm old, when my body doesn't quite have the energy or capacity that it used to. Instead, what would it mean to kind of live my life now? To take breaks now, to take mini retirements now? That's all directly tied to this capacity to receive.

And a lot of men I work with, they need to be just as challenged in that capacity as their capacity to push. Hey, when are you going to get offline? When are you going to unwind? When are you going to take that vacation? When are you going to receive the love that's already coming your way? Can you feel it right now in your body? Can you just slow down? These are big, big capacities that we need to train, particularly as men, right?

So if you want some help, definitely reach out. I'd love to hear about where you need to push and where you need to receive in your life. Until next time you're interested in working with me around dating, relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to evolutionary Men apply.