Do Women Really Want Jerks?

All right, and welcome back. So on today's episode, I want to explore one of the most common misconceptions that I tend to come across when working with guys, particularly around dating and relationships.

And this is one we've probably all heard before. Women just want jerks, right? Why do women go after the jerks? I'm a nice guy, and yet I have these friends or women I know who just tend to go after guys who aren't so great and don't treat them so well. And I want to really dig into that today because the truth is, I have never met a person, man, woman, that wanted to be with a jerk, right?

That actually intentionally wanted to be with someone that treated them bad. But this does seem to happen a little bit, right? It is something we see and that can drive a lot of men kind of crazy. So what's going on underneath that? And here's my hit, and I'm going to start first by explaining something incredibly useful I got from the philosopher Ken Wilber. It's called the pre trans fallacy.

And there's different ways he applies it, but essentially it comes down to, from a certain perspective, things that come before and things that come after that perspective are often very easily confused. Now, one example of this that goes around a lot in spiritual communities and anything around growth and transformation are jokes that my dog is so enlightened or my baby's totally enlightened.

Right? This little Buddha baby. Now, are dogs or young babies absolutely serene and peaceful and full of life? Yes. Are they enlightened in the sense they've transcended self consciousness? No, because they're not self conscious yet. But on the outside, it can look very much the same. Now, another way to think of this that he talks about is just that pre rational and post rational tend to get confused a lot in the world, in culture and in psychology, because what they both look like is not this one thing, right?

That's kind of the similarity. They're not the rational, they're not the normal, they're not the same perspective. They're what's just before it and they're what's just after it. So what does that have to do with the. This idea that women just want to date jerks? Well, if You've listened to the show before. You know, I often talk about the stages of growth that the masculine or feminine inside of all of us or even our relationships themselves tend to move through.

This comes from the work of David Data who put his own kind of very basic developmental map on what he saw, right. What he witnessed and in his model tends to map to the pre trans fallacy really well. So you have stage one, which is the kind of most unevolved version of ourselves. So stage one masculine, Stage one feminine, that tends to be identified with the exteriors that's driven by impulse and survival and doesn't have a lot of self consciousness in it right now.

Stage one masculine tends to be where those guys, that kind of jerk energy actually comes from. It's not necessarily narcissistic, but it's a lot more driven by self. So stage one, men, they often go for what they want. They think they inherently deserve it, right? They take, they're the ones that just go out and get the women they want, treat the women however they want without much regard for their partner's well being or thoughts or inner world.

Stage one also tends to be where you know, our worth is mentioned, is tied very closely to our status, the amount of money we have and physical external objects. So how big is my car? How big is my gun, how shiny is my gold watch? Right. Stage one tends to identify more with that. It's kind of more of our animalistic side. Now the thing about stage one masculine, like I said, is it is quite directional, right?

It has and displays a type of leadership quality. There is polarity there, it's acting from impulse. Stage one, masculine acts from impulse, pretty much just selfish impulse, but it still acts from impulse, does not however often attune or explore the inner world or be emotionally connected or think about the other person's well being in quite the same ways.

Now stage two tends to be where a lot of people hang out these days. Stage two is, wow, I've evolved a little bit. And to be a functional human in society, I can't just act on impulse all the time. I have to be in relationship with whoever I'm with. And stage two is kind of where our higher order brain functioning comes online. We can attune, we can get connected to others.

We want to be in a relationship of fairness and equality and an exchange. There's like a back and forth. I'll do this for you, you can do this for me. We can talk about our feelings. I don't want it to just be about sex. And getting my impulses met, care about you as a human being. And that's where a lot of guys I tend to work with hang out. And it's actually a great thing. Being at stage two means you've actually evolved quite a bit. Your heart is really starting to come online.

You have a capacity to explore and know your inner world. And you're sensitive, you care about the people you're with and your desires don't overrule other people's desires. Now then, the third part of his model, you guessed it, is stage three, just after stage two and after stage one. And now the way these stages work is they each kind of transcend and include the one before.

So stage two has access to stage one, stage three has access to stage two and stage one before it. But how we relate to those energies inside of us becomes more complex and grows. So stage three is okay, wow, yes, I have these impulses. You are also a human being who has your own needs and desires. And sometimes for the sake of connection or leadership or love or consciousness or your well being, I will take charge, I'll take the lead, I will drive.

Whether that's emotionally, sexually, relationally, I will kind of move things forward. But why I'm doing that changes, right? So in stage one, it's just about self. In stage three, it becomes about the well being of us, both of our relationship, of my individual needs and your individual needs. And sometimes good leadership is taking care of someone else, taking charge, moving things forward and having a clear sense of direction.

Now here's the thing. Why do women go for jerks? They don't go for jerks. However, from the outside, stage one masculine and stage three masculine look very similar. Right? From the outside, both men are settled in their bodies, taking action, following their impulses, moving things forward, not afraid to lead.

It includes it from a higher perspective. And on the surface, again, it looks a lot like that. Stage one, right? An integrated conscious man, if you were just kind of videotaping them from afar, is gonna do and move and look in a lot of ways. Similarly to kind of the stage one caveman, the macho jerk on the outside, they're gonna look very similar.

They're following their energy, they're acting off impulse, they're taking risks and they're moving things forward. It's just why the why behind that that's so different. Now this also works the other way. You know, as I've been doing a lot more work with men who are in relationships or leaving relationships, there can often be a confusion. This pre trans fallacy at the pre stage one looks a lot like the post stage three and people get confused by it.

So stage one feminine can often look like on the outside stage three feminine, right? And anyone that's come in through polarity work or David data work, this is particularly important in that community, in that body of work where I think this gets confused a lot. This idea of the feminine storm and emotional testing. It's an incredible insight and there's a lot of truth to it.

But there's a huge difference between that coming from stage one and stage three. And I've seen a lot of guys confuse the two. Depending on our own attachment wounding, stage one unhealthy feminine will feel electric. And it'll be easy for us to confuse that with the range possible for an embodied practitioner to bring that stage three ability to feel deeply, being, be open, express a huge range of energy and in different ways surrender.

Now at stage one, that energy is often anchored in self literal selfishness or sometimes narcissism, right? A woman's intuition or body or knowing. And it's about getting what, it's about getting what I want and using my body, using my sexuality, using my relationships, get those things. And sometimes, yes, from a man, from someone I'm dating, someone I'm in relationship with, which is different.

A conscious embodied stage three feminine practitioner who again has access to displaying a range of energies and being expressive in her body and her movement and her communication. But in stage three it's not just about getting what she wants. All of that is moved and used in service of amplifying love, amplifying consciousness, serving the relationship itself.

Now again, it's tricky because on the outside they can look really similar, right? A woman who hasn't done a lot of self work yet, just like a man who hasn't done a lot of self work yet at stage one has a certain energy to them that creates a polarity, right? Sometimes stage one feminine can actually take care of themselves and that creates a polarity for us as the masculine to step in and really take charge.

But that's so different from the energy at stage three of well, I'VE done my work or I'm doing my work, I am healing myself, I am self capable, I am self directed, I do have agency. And because I can take care and lead myself, I don't need you to do it. However, I can consciously choose to surrender in that energy for the sake of our union.

Totally different than stage one energy because it has that level of consciousness, that deep sense of self awareness as the baseline, the bedrock, right? Just in the same way that stage three masculine says, I don't need to be in charge all the time, I don't need to lead you. It doesn't always have to be my way, but sometimes as a gift to you, into the relationship, into the moment.

I will take charge, I will move things forward. So no, women do not want to date jerks. They want to date men or be in relationship with men, who can drive, who can take things forward, who can hold the consciousness in any given moment and direct the moment from there, who are open and sensitive and connected, who can connect to their own body and impulses and needs and wants, but channel them consciously being able to proactively respond to the moment rather than unconsciously react to the moment, right?

And again, just think about that from the pre trans, a conscious response, you know, what we might say is the highest order stage three and an unconscious reaction, literally just reactive impulse in our body at stage one. On the outside, those may look very similar. I'm doing this, move over here. I want this. But what's motivating and driving them is completely different.

So again, women don't want to be in relationship or date jerks. They want to be with men who can take charge, who can lead when the moment needs it, requires it, and who are tuned in not just to themselves, not just to her, but to the greater collective, to the relationship's needs itself. That is a conscious man, an embodied man. And you know what I'd argue here is an evolutionary man who has access to stage one, who has access to stage two and can wield that at stage three for the good of all, including self.

So next time in your mind you come across that belief, women just want jerks and invite you to rewire that and feel into it deeper. What does this woman really want? Does she really want to be treated poorly? Or does she want to be in the presence of a solid masculine that can direct and move the moment, that takes the lead and that cares? If you want some help to start that inner journey of cultivating your stage three masculine and becoming an evolutionary man, you can check out one of my drop in men's groups at Evolutionary Men events, or sign up for my free training around masculine and feminine polarity at Evolutionary Men webinar.

Until next time.