Cracking Open to Your Deepest Self (with Luke Adler)

Luke Adler: Yeah. It's awesome to be back with you, Jason. Love having these conversations. And that, that Crocs feeling of cracking open, that experience of cracking open that, you know, we've had so many times and witnessed and facilitated, I think, in some ways is why, you know, an individual, a man deep down, is looking for in a group. And there's. There's one element for cracking open to.

Jason Lange: Occur.

Luke Adler: That has to be there in a group, which is safety. There has to be this condition of safety in a container. And I think in some ways, men, especially, men especially are craving a truly safe space. And here's what that means. Here's the culture men are used to living in is don't be a pussy, be tough, work hard, provide, you know, don't be a whiner, etc. And so on. So that's really the world that the psyche man lives in. And it takes a lot for a man to get into a space where it feels safe and for him to sense, oh, there's an opportunity that my soul is deeply looking for. It has nothing to do with being a. Or being weak. In fact, it's truly the opposite of that. You know, it's letting your deepest strength and power come forward. I think in a way, it's what every man, human being is craving.

Jason Lange: The.

Luke Adler: The space where they're. They can crack open their deepest desires and longings that have been, you know, suppressed and contorted and compressed into this box, the man box that we find ourselves living in. So, you know, and I myself, I still look very forward to cracking open. You know, when, when we get together, I, I, I want to find that place where I'm still not aware I'm, I'm still asleep. To some deeper part of my, my needs, my longing to be more free and authentic. Those are just some of my initial, initial rifts.

Jason Lange: But.

Luke Adler: Yeah. What do you think, Jason?

Jason Lange: Yeah. I love that you highlighted safety there. I think that is such an important thing. And the man box of this set of beliefs, you know, us men get squeezed into, around what's okay to feel and what's not. There's major cultural momentum there that we have to really kind of push back against in terms of showing that there's another way. And the safety piece, I think, is a big part of that. You know, if there's one thing certainly in my life I found to be a killer, but for a lot of men, you know, shame, just the sense of however I am is not okay.

Luke Adler: Is a big one.

Jason Lange: And so to create a shame free space, it's actually, you know, it's a, it's a unique kind of safety we're talking about here. We're not talking about the kind of safety that's like, nobody can say anything to upset anyone else. Right. Talking about the kind of safety that's like everyone is invited to fully go into their experience wherever it's at. And we trust that with good facilitation agreements in the, in the container that we're going to be able to work with that. Right. So there's, you know, in a sense, there's nowhere a man can go that we can't handle in this type of work that we're talking about. And that's a level of safety I think very few men have experienced, you know, particularly when it comes to grief or anger, you know, as the, the two really big ones that I've seen that a lot of men are just. People don't know what the fuck to do with men when we're sad or, or get afraid when we're angry, you know, a lot of times. And so men learned, you know, a lot of the men I work with, and I think you do too, learn to stuff that down in different ways.

Luke Adler: Yeah.

Jason Lange: Or to disconnect or numb it out in some capacity. And so that safety piece really is foundational for then, you know, this idea of cracking open, which another way I've been thinking about it is like, it's like we're, we're opening to let whatever needs to surface surface. It's not like the shit just comes out of Nowhere, right? I know sometimes guys get a little scared by that. It's like, no, this is stuff that's already inside your psyche, inside your body, mind, inside your tissues. And that we're creating a container for it to come up and to come out. And the feeling, at least for me, of cracking open is, okay, there's no longer a barrier, containment. And whatever is actually inside of me is able to move again. It's actually able to process. I'm able to move this emotional or spiritual, sometimes physically painful material and bring it to surface. And it's in that movement that things start to shift a lot of times.

Luke Adler: I love that distinction you made. This isn't a safety that is about following a set of rule. It's like, okay, we can't talk about this. We can't talk about this, this and that. And we're gonna, when we speak, we have to use this phrasing. I, I think that's what's so surprising about this work is at least what I experienced. And of course, as we've been facilitating, we're not letting out. There's no set of rules we're laying out except for, you know, for this to work properly, it requires certain level of vulnerability, taking an emotional risk, being willing to call yourself out, kind of honoring your edge. Honoring. But what's, you know, a little bit scary for you, honoring other people's edges. And then one of the other big safety pieces is confidentiality, which we discuss as our, as our agreements. But aside from those generalities, the safety that's created there, I think you're right, Jason, is because there's permission to go anywhere. And I remember when I first experienced this work I was sharing and I personally started feeling a little self conscious. I was like, okay, maybe I'm speaking too much. And I said, well, I could stop there, you know, and the facilitator's like, you could. And I realized he was inviting me to do whatever I wanted. I, I had, you know, in groups doing spiritual work, I had often felt like, okay, be concise, shut the up, don't talk too much. And just that permission, you know, there was a safety that was granted that then I cracked open with within three minutes. From there, I get, I guess we get to confront all of our self imposed conditioning around, you know, being proper, being polite, not taking up too much space, that when it's actually your moment to do some work, anything, anything in my history is allowed to come forward or my aspirations.

Jason Lange: And.

Luke Adler: I guess the way that, that feels so good in some ways It's a little disorienting. Even now when I, when we do work together, it's like it's my turn to do a piece of work. For a moment. I'm a little disoriented. I'm like, I, I don't live in a world where I get to be that free. And yeah, it's, I mean, just thinking about it, I can feel the, the, the weight of what I naturally carry and the freedom of being able to be in a space where whatever is ready to surface in me can surface. And it's like I can feel my heart underneath that. Like, there's a sense of, oh my God, thank you, thank you for giving me this safe space and some expert facilitation that allows, allows me to kind of cut through the confusion and the heady parts and really get down to the heart of the matter, which is I'm, I'm longing to, to feel myself more deeply and, and to touch what I really want, you know?

Jason Lange: Yeah, that's great. Yeah, I love what you said there too, because I think this is a really important distinction I want to make here too, around this term of cracking. Like, even if, if you work with, like, let's say Luke and I, we don't crack you, so you crack open when you're ready. And this is a important, I think, difference between, you know, certain kind of crazy wisdom work that came in the 60s and 70s and the, like, the, those very, like we're going to go in and make you feel. And there's still some bodies of work out there like that that are, you know, pretty, pretty hardcore in that sense. And you know, for some people, maybe there's a time and place for that, but that's not really our style. Our style is we're setting an environment and allowing you to go as deep as you want to go. So we're not going to be the limit to that. Right. As much as you want to open, emote, move, whatever, we're ready to go wherever. Like, literally we'll go anywhere. But it's up to you, right? You don't have to crack more than you want to crack. And so this, this idea of opening, it's not something we force, it's something we allow. It's almost always an allowing when suddenly it's like, oh, wait, I don't have to grip right now, or I don't have to put up that shield or barrier or whatever I, I, I've just intrinsically been doing all these last years, and then suddenly that goes away. When we're ready, we relax it and something comes forward. Almost always it looks different for every man, but it's pretty powerful, right, to witness. And there is a sense of a real opening. Cracking is like this man's really opening to himself, to the moment, to the group, some kind of truth, some kind of feeling. It's like a transparency that happens in terms of everything becomes visible. And it's what makes it so transformative and powerfully vulnerable, you know, It's a hell of an experience to go through, and it's a hell of an experience to witness. I mean, it's one of the great honors, you know, of the work we do is getting to witness a man really open and crack. So a deeper. Something deeper inside of him comes out. And so much of this work, you know, as I sometimes phrase to guys, is. It's like a lot of the trauma we carry is some kind of interrupted process. Something happened in our life, and for whatever reason, there was an emotional or a physical process that wasn't allowed to come to completion, right? So it got stopped, got stuck. It's like. It's like it gets stuck in our body. And then we layer on all this crap over the years about what it means, ways we try to get it medicated or get rid of it and never really touch and allow that movement to come to completion. And cracking is almost always. Yeah, it's that movement coming up and allowing itself to, like, come to completion and come out in some powerful way, you know? I vividly remember the first time I cracked, right? The first time I got exposed to this work. I was maybe 27, I think, and was doing like, a weekend with one of our mentors. And, you know, came in and I didn't feel great in my life, right? I was in a lot of pain, but I couldn't have told you, like, really why? You know, like, I. I don't know. I just. It wasn't really clear to me yet. And then we're doing some work, and I shit you down within five minutes, I'm on my back on the floor, my voice cracks, and I'm like, honestly, crying like a baby, just screaming like, hold me, hold me, hold me. Like, where are you? And I had no idea that was in there. I had no idea that, like, loneliness and grief was. Was so deeply running the show for me for, you know, the 25 plus years before that in a significant way. And that wasn't the end of that work, but it was the first time I really opened to it and became aware of it in my system. And then I was able to start to build a relationship with that part of myself, you know, that took time to develop and you know, is always going to be with me to some extent. But I remember, I remember being like shocked, like what the is happening? I was like, what is going on? Like, I have no idea. This isn't coming from like a conscious part of me. Right. This energy is coming from something deeper inside my body. And I was in a very safe group with a very safe facilitator and I was ready. So it came up and it came out and it was a life changing moment for me. Life changing?

Luke Adler: Yeah. I mean, I could tell the same story. In fact, where I first experienced that you were there. You could tell my story if you want. Was very similar to your story and the. That I love that you brought in the. This. I think honestly, through most styles of work that are still in the marketplace, you have a facilitator that kind of comes. Comes at you. And I've experienced plenty of that in other spiritual work and healing work where the facilitator kind of has you in the hot seat is asking really direct questions and even maybe making some pointed statements, kind of calling you out. And in some ways I used to really admire that as a student of deep work. Like I want to become a facilitator who can call people out and crack them open. And I. And for a period of time I emulated that. I. It never felt right to me, but that was all that I knew. Never felt like I got very good at it because it just didn't resonate. But why I fell in love with this work is there was none of that. There was the training I got. The facilitator never pointed. You were never in the hot seat. It was like I described, it was just an invitation. And the thing I want to point out to that, that I think is so crucial and important for deep healing work is that when our pace and our own sense of safety is attuned to and honored by a group and a facilitator, it teaches us how to be sensitive with our own process and allows us to open when we're truly ripe and ready to heal. And when something opens prematurely, when you're doing a style of work where you're being pushed to crack open and you're truly not ready, but you're feeling the pressure of that from the facilitator or the expectation of it from the group, it's actually deleterious to your healing as although you might Crack open, there's a refraction back to. Or there's a lack of attuning to your own process of safety, which allows you to integrate the work and honor what your nervous system can actually handle. In a world where we're constantly overriding our nervous systems to do work that overrides your nervous system and readiness, it's a misalignment with what your body can actually handle, your body mind. And so that attitude sometimes of like, I want to do it all, let's go, let's push, let's push this, push it actually interrupts the more natural readiness of, of nature. And I, I use the word natural because, you know, we're just an extension of nature. The river changes course when it's right. When the right set of storms come in, you'll see the riverbanks change. But, you know, you go in and kind of manually manipulate nature. Well, you can do that. But nature eventually asserts what it wants. So that, that's a, that's, you know, as I've been facilitating for some time now, I see that's part of the genius of this method is. And, and ironically, like, the, the cracking is so much deeper and more thorough than anything I'd ever experienced. That was more pushy, more forcing the body to open through heavy breath work or a facilitator that's like really gonna, like, nail you publicly.

Jason Lange: Like.

Luke Adler: Yeah, that's not, that's not the most graceful or effective way to do this work.

Jason Lange: Beautifully put. It's an invitation. Yeah, right. It's an invitation. And everyone, you know, one of the things I've appreciated about the work we've been doing and cultivating is everyone's edge is gonna look different. So cracking for a one man might look like, you know, a puddle of tears or an unleashing of anger or energy or all kinds of things.

Luke Adler: Yeah.

Jason Lange: For other men. And this was how it was for me. In other instances. Sometimes it's very subtle or very small. Right. The movement might just be a little bit, but like, I, I opened, I cracked just a teeny bit. But that was actually a momentous leap in that moment for me. And it just looked different than another guy. And that's a thing that we really pride ourselves on being sensitive to is it doesn't have to look anyway. Only, you know. Right. Only, you know, is the person kind of experiencing this? What am I ready for? Yeah, right. Oh, I'm ready for that. That's what I was ready for. And then that's great. And we're going to Celebrate, you know, we celebrate the fuck out of guys for whatever movement they can make or sometimes no movement, sometimes that can happen, it's all okay. But there is just this sweetness of opening that as we learn to trust a group, trust other men and you know, the power of doing this work in a group in particular is the, what do I call it? Like the, the whirlpool effect. It's just like one person goes and it brings more depth to the group and wow, we can really be open and honest here. And that allows someone else to jump in with some depth and honesty and it creates this like swirl that just can like pull us all down into the truth of what we're really feeling. And it's, it's really something to behold of how deep a group can go with this kind of container and structure and how, how much cracking can really happen, how much opening can happen in a short amount of time.

Luke Adler: Yeah, I love that you mentioned the various ways that that can show up. And I think if some, some folks might, you know, witness a piece of deep work and, and think, whoa, that's, that's more than I can handle. That's too much. And what I would say is that's beautiful. There's no expectation for you to do what the previous person just did or you know, if his, if his work really scared you, then hey, maybe there's something just to, just to look at and talk about. But there's, there's just never any, any pressure. I think that's a way you were touching that. But that, you know, just. It's hard to imagine an environment where you feel no pressure. And the beauty of when that pressure comes off of you, what actually can come to the surface, you don't know what that's going to be, but it will be something. And when that something surfaces, there will be more vitality. There will be that interrupted moment that never got to complete, complete itself, will begin its completion process. And that seven year old that never got to say what it wanted to say to dad because he was afraid of speaking up to dad will get to say that not in some trite kind of exercise kind of way, but in its. Where it's held deeply in the body and the freed up of that development. You know, sometimes we're like, why, why when I, why is it that when I get into relationship I revert to acting like a 12 year old and I can see myself doing it, you know, something about what happened at 12, around conflict mirrors, you know, when conflict occurs as a 55 year old adult, I'm still back there at the dining room table. So if we get to complete that, then hey, guess what? You get to go home with your wife after cracking that piece open. And you can love your 12 year old, you can be sensitive to him and a man gets to show up in that space and relate to your wife in a more, you know, mature way.

Jason Lange: And.

Luke Adler: That'S the beauty, that's the practical kind of translation of what cracking open can give you is freedom with the people you love. So we don't have to act like we, we did when our, when our development was interrupted.

Jason Lange: You know, and beautifully put. Like, you know, this shadow work that we're talking about here, when we say cracking open, it really is about bringing more consciousness, right? It's about bringing more light to all aspects of ourself. And when they're in the light, we have so much more choice. Yes, right. About having. We want to engage with the life. So rather than being run by these things that are deep under the surface from us, that are often these kinks or this wounding from, you know, our childhood or formative moments that we might not necessarily think are running the show, but often are right when we're cracking, what we're doing is we're allowing a pathway into those. So, oh, that thing that was stuck inside of me, it has a way out now, has a way to move to come to that completion. And so then instead of it running the show, adult me can run the show around, right? Can make choices that I want to be making. And this is something you and I have been talking about a lot. But you know, sometimes I'll be working with guys and they'll be like, I don't know why I keep X, that there's some behavior or habit or thing that they keep doing and they don't quite understand it because they might even know it's against their best interest. And that's almost always a sign of some kind of shadow work underneath. There's some kind of shadow material there. There's some process or something that's not been illuminated that we want to get to the heart of. Right? We want to get to the heart of that shadow, which is another way of talking about cracking open, as our program is called, to allow that to come to the surface. And then it's not in charge anymore. We get to be in charge of our own lives again. And the beautiful thing about that is it almost does always add up to. We also get to live a lot more in the presence instead of parts of Our body, mind being stuck in the past that we're keep replaying in the present, which, when we can let go of that and it's like, wow, I can just actually be here with you and me, my full experience. It's so liberating.

Luke Adler: It's so liberating. I've. I've talked to men who will often say, well, you know, I want to leave my past in the past. Ass. Like, it's, it's done, it's over with. I, you know, I've moved on. You know, let it go. As they say in landmark form. Get off.

Jason Lange: Just.

Luke Adler: Just be done with it.

Jason Lange: All right?

Luke Adler: And this is kind of a nice sentiment in a way. Let's just move forward to life. Let's look on the bright side. I get that the problem is, is that the past is a concept. Yes, it no longer exists, but the imprints of the past are right here in the present. So when we say, you know, reviewing something from your childhood, we don't mean going to the past, we mean go to what's here right now, which is part of your nervous system got stuck when you were 13. And that's present. You're not aware of it. It's running you. It shows up when things break down.

Jason Lange: You might, you might even be aware.

Luke Adler: Of it, but you still choose the same thing. How does that begin to change? Well, it doesn't change by simply saying, I just want to move forward and create a new possibility for my life. On top of all that dysfunction. You can do that. It's a ton of work. It's exhausting. What if that thing that's stuck were unstuck and that cracked open and you got, you know, conceptually, the 13 year old, et cetera and so on, evolves. But forget all that language. It's just energy that's stuck. Whatever words we need to use, we will use them. So if you don't like the idea of working on your past, great. We're not going to work on your past. You know, you can leave your past wherever the hell you think it is, but I'll tell you where it's at. It's right here.

Jason Lange: Showing up right now. Yeah, totally. Yeah. So beautifully put. Yeah, well, yeah. So if you want to explore this work and maybe you have a sense. Yeah, I feel like there's something in me that's ready to move or open. You can work with. Luke and I, we run a program together called the Heart of Shadow. We're recording this in late July 2023, and we do have another cohort that's starting September 5th can register for that and learn [email protected] and you can always go there as well to just join our mailing list to know when the next offering is going to be, when the next cohort will be. But we got one coming up soon, so there is no time like right now to start this work. Every man always says, well, you know, someday, but it's like now's the moment. Just you dive in and your life can change way faster than you may realize. So definitely check it out and let us know if you have any questions. There's a way to contact us right there on the page. Heartofshadow.com Nice hanging with you, Jason.

Luke Adler: Thanks.

Jason Lange: Always a pleasure, my friend.

Luke Adler: All right, brother.

Jason Lange: If you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to Evolutionary Men. Apply.