Co-Ed Work Matters Too (with Violet Lange)

Jason Lange: All right, and welcome back on today's episode. I'm super excited to have my lovely wife Violet Lang on, and we're going to be talking about something a little different than what I'm normally chatting about on this show. So if you're a regular listener, you know, I'm pretty much talking about men's work week in and week out here on this show.

Violet Lange: But.

Jason Lange: But today we're going to talk about the importance of co ed work and that co ed work matters, too. And specifically, we're going to be talking about a new program that Violet is going to be running that I think a lot of you guys should definitely check out. So, Violet, why don't you tell the guys a little bit about what you're cooking up?

Violet Lange: Of course. So last year I did my first round of Radiant Love, which was a co ed container with deep practice. You know, a lot of the coaching industry is all about mindset and shifts in perspective, and that's helpful, but it's really helpful to get in our bodies and have practice and get feedback from people that are also deep and also wise and also committed to doing the work and being in relationship. And it was a really fun experience. We had a lot of big breakthroughs. People, people met a new partner, Some people moved in with an existing partner. Some people had wins in their career. Other people had more erotic energy and more sexual experiences than they've had previously. So it's really about doing the work in a different sort of situation, a different sort of container than just doing work with men or just doing work with women. I primarily used to work with women and now I'm doing more with co ed. And. And we, you know, Jason and I do stuff with couples as well. But yeah, I just found that a lot of coaching world was missing these opportunities to connect deeply in co ed containers and actually put into place some of the tools that we learned. Some of the authentic relating tools or archetype tools, polarity tools.

Jason Lange: Yeah. So if it's not clear, what we're talking about here is getting experience relating to the opposite sex. And so most of the guys listening to the show are going to be men. So, yeah, getting practice relating to women, whether you're already in a relationship or not. A Lot of these tools can be sharpened up and applied in some pretty different ways. And for guys that have worked with me, you may have actually experienced some of this before in terms of Violet and I actually doing some co ed workshops between our two communities. But this has kind of taken it to a whole new level where you get consistent practice for many weeks. And what would you say is the, you know, the benefit to the actual. Even though it's virtual FaceTime that men might get in this program, One of.

Violet Lange: The key wins or experiences that people really commented on at the end of the last Radiant Love cohort was just how nice it was to be seen to be seen as good men by a group of women. To be seen for the ways that they are showing up, that they are being in their masculine, that they do have good hearts, but they do try to communicate respectfully. I think sometimes men just don't get seen for the great men that they are. And they might not have had the experience of, let's say, like eight women at a time, showering them with appreciation or with praise or even in a breakout room, one on one, for someone to say, wow, you're really embodying, you know, the wild man, like, in a. In a way that's really awakening something in me. So. So both Jason and I do a lot of work with archetypes, and when we're first working with archetypes, it can feel safer to do in the company of the same sex or people that we just feel really safe with or that we've known for a while. But then sometimes you kind of want to try that archetype out in the world, and this is like a step towards doing that in a very safe container. And I also just want to caveat that this isn't just about men being in masculine energy and women being in feminine energy. Because in my program and other programs that I do as well, like, we want to have the full range, and it's fun to play with the full range. So when I said wild man, it could be a wild person. You know, like a woman can be in her wildness energy, and a man can be in his damsel, in distress and distress energy in quotations. You know, he can be vulnerable, or he can have needs, or he can desire, you know, safety and protection. So it's really about experiencing all of these different energies and all of the range of energies, getting feedback on those and giving yourself a sp. A safe space to really play full out. You know, for instance, some of the women I work with, they really like the idea of playing with slut energy, but they're not sure how to bring that into the world. Like, how do I bring my slut into the world? It doesn't necessarily feel safe to them all the time. But in a container like this, with people that they get to know over the course of 14 weeks, and with safe, you know, kind of guidelines and agreements and structure, then you can try some of these things out and see what lands, what doesn't land. And you might find that in one breakout room, something really lands with, with a woman. And in another breakout room, it doesn't quite as much. But that also gives you the confidence to say, you know, who I am might not be for everyone, but for the woman that is right for me. It's really going to make an impact. And I can trust that I can have that positive feedback loop in my body.

Jason Lange: And I actually just want to take a moment to pause here for a second just in case. Listen. There's people listening who don't know. Look, when you say archetypes, that's something you and I know. And I think people that have worked with us might know. But if I. If a guy's listening and he's like, well, what do you mean archetypes? Like, how will we be using those and what are those?

Violet Lange: That's a great question. So originally archetypes were thought of as like a mythological concept or a Jungian concept. And traditionally there's like a set of archetypes, let's say 12 archetypes, of what a human being can experience over the course of their life, over their hero's journey or their heroine's journey. Everything from like the hermit to the warrior to the king. You know, I'm just giving some well known examples of masculine archetypes. And what I find is that people get stuck in roles. They get stuck as the father or the husband, or they get stuck as the same CEO, or they get stuck as the artist. And so none of the archetypes are better than the other. It's about really having a diversified range and toolkit that you can draw on. Because part of the fun of archetypes is giving ourselves permission to find even more authentic ways of expressing ourselves in the world. But part of the fun as well is to see the impact that we can have on situations like, can we change the erotic energy in the room? Can we change the presence in the room? Can we change how much people are opening their hearts and their minds and their bodies? And archetypes are helpful not just in relationship or dating, but they're super helpful in every area of life. You know, you can use an archetype with a boss, you can use an archetype with a creative project that you're launching. You can use an archetype with just how you want to move in the world if you're going to a party or hanging out at a social event. So you can think of our archetypes as kind of like a different energy that you don't normally access, that you can try on and embody to see a. Does this unlock a deeper part of me that I haven't accessed? Do I feel more whole or complete or expressed or authentic and. Or am I able to unlock something not just in myself but in the world? Because I'm showing up a little bit differently. And the last thing I'll say about archetypes is for men, women, you know, everyone, oftentimes if we want to attract a certain type of partner, we have to be willing to both give that energy but also be the opposite of that energy. So for instance, if someone is very nice and polite and they want to be with a woman who's a little more sexually expressed or open and available sexually, and they just stay in that kind of nice guy energy, there's not really enough electricity there. It could be a mismatch. Not always, but sometimes. So a man who's considered himself to be a nice guy could benefit from taking on a little bit more of that wild, sexually connected energy. Doesn't mean he has to be super direct about that or has to act in certain ways. But by him owning his own sexual, wild, primal desires, he's going to be able to connect with a woman in that way. And similarly for women, you know, sometimes women have to make changes into their energy if they've always been the boss, babe, go getter, you know, CEO, and they're wondering why am I not attracting people that I would like or that I would respect? Then that person might need to come into her lover archetype or come into her artist or come into her sorrowful siren and feel the pain of the world instead of feeling like she's on top of the world all the time. And it's just fun ways to change our patterns of attraction and to change what's possible in our lives.

Jason Lange: Yeah, that's great. Sounds like another important component that you really get in this co ed work and why it can be so important is space for feedback in a way that particularly I think for single people out there, you don't necessarily always get in the dating world because it's, you know, either just a date or two or you don't even get past, you know, chat or get ghosted or whatever that might be. So how does feedback kind of play a part in this system? And why, what did, what did you see in the first cohort kind of emerge because of it?

Violet Lange: Yeah, the feedback that I offer is, or that I offer people to give each other is using a structure that sound in authentic relating and other types of intentional communication, which is just I felt you the most win, which kind of tells you when your biggest energy came through or when they felt the purity of what you were offering. Also what I would have wanted more of, you know, which tells you what you could do more of in the future, kind of building on what you already did. Well, or, you know, something I was really wanting. And similar to what I just said, something I want more of is something I'm really wanting. Could be something totally different, you know, let's say you're playing with the, I'll just use an example. Let's say you're playing with the like exalted saint or something. And the person says, you know, I could have used a little more compassion. I, I wanted more compassion. Maybe you were thinking exalted state in terms of being like enlightened Buddha, but you were super still as a mountain. And someone says, I could have used more compassion. It means like, ah, I wanted to feel your heart more. You know, I wanted more heart energy. So most of the feedback happens in breakout rooms one on one. It's not like you're getting assessed or something. It's also not like you're getting shared all these things in front of a bunch of people. This is in one on one sessions and breakout rooms. And then in the large group, the feedback is really more of like what I appreciated about my partner in that session, the ways they really touched me. I've learned and grown from this call in these ways. Like we're really focused on uplifting feedback because I think that's the best way to learn and grow. And in my experience, no matter your gender, no matter your life experience experience, humans are sensitive. Like we're just deeply sensitive creatures. And so we want to respect and honor that. And I also just want to say that we've talked a lot about archetypes, but archetypes are only three out of the 16 or 14 weeks. Excuse me. So you know, they're a fraction of it. But they are a very important part because we don't get a lot of that practice, and the other thing I want to mention that we don't always get a lot of practice in is how to work through conflict. So another chunk of the Radiant Love program and of the work that Jason and I do together is clearing resentments, talking about what we need in our relationship, and we do those role plays in this program because most people say that working through conflict is one of the hardest and most stressful parts of their relationship. So whether you're dating or in relationship, you know, these tools can help you feel more comfortable and confident speaking those hard truths.

Jason Lange: Yeah, absolutely. I really want to highlight the importance of a. Getting that feedback because, you know, we can work a lot with you as men in a lot of the work I do. But, you know, to some extent, some of that's just the scrimmage for what a lot of men want, which is deeper relating out in the world, particularly with the opposite sex. And these two things go hand in hand. Like, you got to be doing your own personal work, and then there's also a time and place to. To bring it out past that. And containers like this are a really rare and special way to do that in a safe environment where you can then get that interactive component and actually kind of learn as you go. I also imagine, you know, hearing what you shared, that one of the cool things is just getting to experience different people, Which I know for a lot of single guys that I work with, you know, they might not be sure exactly what they're looking for in a relationship or dating, but the opportunity to kind of interact in this real, vital way that you've created and then gives gives men an opportunity to kind of see, like, oh, yeah, I like this energy. I like that energy. And get a deeper, embodied sense of what they're looking for back out in the world. Not just like a theoretical thing, but, like, oh, yeah, that actually felt really good, and I imagine sometimes in surprising ways to people that participated.

Violet Lange: Absolutely. You know, there's different flavors of every personality and type of. Of human. So we have these ideas or these stories like, oh, my ex wife was really closed, so I want someone really open, you know, and we might meet someone in this group who's not quite as open as we thought we wanted, but is super witty or super funny or dresses in a really stylish way or, you know, has their own unique flavor. And the person might realize, oh, I thought I really wanted openness, but what I really wanted is authenticity. I really wanted uniqueness. I really wanted kind of, yeah, bold, bold energy. And so it is a great way to feel into these different textures of the feminine to clarify what you want and to clarify what feels good in your body and what brings you the most juice. One of the breakout rooms, after we came out, came out of the breakout rooms and got back together as a group, someone had shared. You know, I've never been touched in this way by the feminine, by someone I least expected to, because very different age, ages and different cultural backgrounds. And just they were both crying in that. In that recap of the breakout session because they both realized they'd been harboring some judgments about what they thought would be possible with a partner. So it was. It's just pretty cool to see the awakening, for lack of a better word, into more possibility and more growth.

Jason Lange: And we've. So far, I think I've kind of mostly been alluding to single people being able to participate here. But. So how does this work? Like, can you do this if you're a couple or you're already in a relationship?

Violet Lange: Yeah, absolutely. I had multiple people in the last cohort who were in relationship but chose to participate. And it was very inspiring for me because I think a lot of times I had. I had a story that people do the work in order to get into relationship, but once they get into relationship, they don't care as much. And that's not necessarily true, but one of the people who joined last year said, I'm in a great partnership, but I want it to get even better. And my partner knows that I'm doing this. She doesn't feel like doing it, but she knows that I'm going to bring even more back to her as a result. And so she's fully on board for it. And nothing that we're doing is like sexual or explicit or dishonoring of a partner. So just rest. Rest assured that that's all fine. And, you know, at all times, it's all about honoring yourself and honoring your. Your partner. So you'll never be asked to do something that doesn't feel, um. But there was another person who joined who similarly said, I'm in a new relationship. I hope it keeps going great. If it doesn't, I still want to keep building my toolkit. And if it does, like, this is kind of an, I don't know, not a guarantee, but like a. An extra vote of confidence because I know that I'm going to keep growing. And this person said, too, you know, my partner isn't interested in this right now or the person that I just started dating. But if we keep Growing together. I'm going to ask her to do something like this with me. And it's kind of cool that I could lead her into that because I've already done it before. So getting that experience ahead of a date or ahead of a partner to be able to have an experience to lead with them. And one of the things about the program is we've talked a lot about the work that we do on the calls in breakout rooms and in the large group. But every week I give a challenge or, you know, a homework basically, and it's something you can do in your day to day life and it's great to do with a partner. So you can think of it as having like 14 awesome relational activities in your toolkit to bring to a current partner or a future partner.

Jason Lange: And can a couple do it at the same time?

Violet Lange: Yeah, absolutely. So a couple can participate in one of two ways. They can either say, hey, we're participating together. We only want to interact with each other. Please don't put us with other partners in breakout rooms. Like, we just want to practice together, which makes total sense. And we can absolutely and will do that. You can also say, hey, we want to practice together for most of the time, except for, you know, clearing conflicts or except for, you know, practical intimacy, which. Practical intimacy is about like planning and structures in your relationship and, and all of that. So you can also, as a couple, pick and choose which sessions you want to do together and which sessions you want to do separately. And that works totally fine with the breakout rooms.

Jason Lange: Awesome. So, yeah, take note those you guys that are married or in relationships and looking for ways to bring a little bit more depth. This is an experience you could actually go through with your partner if you so wanted, which I think would be pretty amazing. And so what's the best way for guys to find out more about the program and how to join?

Violet Lange: Yeah, so the best way right now is to just email me because if we have spots left, then I will send you all the details and if we don't, then I can put you on the waitlist for the next time that we do this program. So my email is violet. Com and you can reach me there. You know, you can follow me on social media and stuff as well too. But I'm really more interested in creating these deep experiences and deep practice containers. So. So I don't do a ton of posting on social media. The best way is probably just to email me and we can go from there.

Jason Lange: All right, guys, there you have it. Awesome opportunity to work with my amazing wife and get some really deep experiential practice relating with the opposite sex and filling up your toolkit with all kinds of different things that you can bring into either your existing relationship or the one you're going to be stepping into. So I definitely recommend checking it out and get all the information you can and join soon.

Violet Lange: Thanks for having me.

Jason Lange: If you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to Evolutionary Men Apply.