Little did I know in the photo above that my future wife was sitting just two rows ahead of me.
I had noticed her the moment I walked in, but we hadn’t had a chance to connect before the event began. Various presenters talking about all kinds of fascinating tools for consciousness hacking, and it was definitely my kind of crowd. About halfway through, she responded to a presenter’s question with some nerdy stuff about the yoga sutras.
My interest was peaked.
After the event, I saw her chatting with a friend (and some other men clearly interested in her) and knew I had to meet her. I walked up and introduced myself, and our connection grew from there.
The venue eventually kicked everybody out, and a bunch of us were suddenly on the street as the group decided what bar to continue the night at.
Violet and I were having a great conversation, and it was clear there was mutual attraction and chemistry. Suddenly the bar had been picked, our mutual friend came to get Violet, and the group was started to head out. Violet said she’d be right there and turned toward me, expecting I’d be joining to continue our conversation.
And that’s when I ditched her, despite our connection being red hot.
You see, the day before an old friend had come into town and I’d stayed up later than normal reconnecting into the night.
As a result, I had slept in and skipped my morning meditation practice.
A practice I had started early in the year when it was clear I needed to make some major shifts in my life to create the life I was longing to live. All year long I’d been meditating 5 mornings a week at 6am, writing creative projects, transforming my body composition working out, not drinking, diving into men’s groups and trainings, leading authentic relating events, and taking my biggest film project to date to a bunch of festivals.
Oh, and on top of all that, I only ejaculated once in 8 months. In short, I was totally on fire, completely in my power as a man, and dedicated to my personal practice.
I had quite a streak going with my meditation practice and planned to sleep in so I could still work out with energy and still make up my hour sit in the evening after the event.
So there I was, in the midst of an incredible connection with a woman I was very attracted to in body, heart, and spirit, and I had to make a choice.
Go with her to continue our connection (and who knows what else…), or ditch her to go home and meditate.
I chose the latter.
“Actually, I’m going to go home to meditate, it’s a commitment I’ve made to myself on weekdays and if I don’t go now, it won’t happen today.”
The look on her face turned to absolute confusion…and a little bit of disappointment, and it was clear she was suddenly thinking “we are totally vibing and you’re going to ditch me to meditate?”
I had a plan, however, and continued “I’d love to continue our conversation another time though, why don’t you give me your card”, and then I waited.
She smiled, gave me her card, we hugged good night, and she took off to the bar and I went home to do my sit.
Now, here’s the kicker, as we got to know each other more over the comings weeks, she shared two important pieces of truth with me, the first of which was that yes, she was pissed the moment I decided not to join her!
But it’s the second piece that was the most important – more than pissing her off, it actually quite turned her on!
She had been yearning to meet a man of integrity after having a string of experiences with men that were quite otherwise. She yearned to be with a man that she could trust.
My commitment to my commitments that day landed in her body as my integrity and trustability – and if there’s one thing that’s often true for the feminine, it’s that trust and turn-on go hand in hand.
That kind of trust can’t be faked with stupid pick-up lines or techniques. I was aligned in my life that night we met, and it showed up in how her nervous system experienced mine, and how solid and present she felt me in our interactions.
There is no shortcut to creating an aligned life – it is a daily commitment of practice and intention. I knew where I was going in my life, and I was going there whether or not she joined me for the ride. This is an area where a lot of nice guys fall prey to the myth of Hollywood narratives – specifically the idea that most women want to be with a man who puts his relationship to her above all else.
The truth is what seems romantic in a movie is actually quite often desperate or needy in real life.
The healthy feminine rarely wants to be the #1 priority in your life, she just wants to be the #1 relationship in your life.
We men have to be connected to a #1 that’s even more directional and motivating than our relationship, something we are moving towards our relationship becomes a contribution to.
That #1 is your deepest purpose in life – the area that connects your presence with your impact in the world, no matter how big or small.
More than a job, living our purpose means living with presence moment to moment – and that starts with your practice.
Purpose, presence, and practice are all connected, and there is no way to fake them.
That was what Violet was connecting to in me at the deepest level the night we met. She felt my presence and integrity, which flowed from my commitment to my daily practice, which was animating the purpose I was living in my day-to-day.
No relationship can replace you living with purpose.
The integrity required to embody presence and purpose shows up in your commitment to your daily practice.
And that commitment flows from your relationship with yourself. If you can’t trust yourself to do what you know needs to be done to create a meaningful life of impact for yourself then no partner will ever be able to trust you either.
Ready to take control of your love life, start a practice, and find your purpose?