One of the traps us nice guys fall into over and over again is getting stuck in the so called “friend zone”. We’re attracted to a woman, connect with her, and then our relational dynamic stays one in which we’re seen as good guy, but not someone she necessarily thinks of in “that way”.
There’s a multitude of both personal and cultural factors that swirl together to create this dynamic, but there’s one hidden force that drives this dynamic more than any other that I’ve seen in my clients time and time again.
Shame is an overwhelmingly powerful emotion, and one that for many of us men gets DEEPLY tied into our sexuality and desire.
For many men our first experiences of our sexuality come through masturbation, which for most of us is something we must do in secret and that is frowned upon by our family, religion, and culture. For some, sexuality in general even has a connotation of being “bad” or something we really should keep hidden.
Then, as we get our there and start dating, many of us nice guys have incredibly strong images and stories of pathological masculine using and abusing women, particularly sexually. We don’t want to be one of “those guys” and begin to deny or suppress our sexuality and desire in noble hope to help women around us feel safer.
Shame and sexuality end up becoming fused in a way that has us begin to deny an essential part of our humanity, and has us resisting, judging, and not accepting ourselves as we are.
When WE feel shame about our own sexuality and desire, we send out a signal to the women around us that this part of us is bad, shameful, and not trustable. This ripples through SO MANY parts of how we’re showing up with those we’re attracted to: the eye contact we make, the way we stand and our posture, and how we converse and relate.
And here’s the deal, there’s not a single integrated woman I’ve ever met that DIDN’T want their lover to sexually desire and want them.
That’s nearly impossible though if we can’t appreciate and honor our own sexuality, not holding it in shame, but instead holding it as one of the most sacred and profound forces of the universe.
Once we can come into right alignment with our sexuality and desire, we can show up with women in a completely different way, not afraid to feel and share this part of ourselves when we’re with a woman we’re attracted to.
Ready examine the relationship of shame and sexuality in your life? Watch my free webinar and learn 5 powerful shifts to change your dating life from the inside out including the importance of owning your desire. Then book a FREE call with me get clear about how it’s showing up in your dating life..