Shadow Work for Regaining Your Power

Jason Lange: All right, and welcome back, everybody. Excited to once again be joined by Dr. Luke Adler for another Shadow Work 4 series. And this, this, this episode, we're going to be talking about shadow work for regaining your power. So this is a really common cut of the work Luke and I have been doing with guys over the last couple years in our Heart of Shadow program and our individual coaching that I think is going to be particularly useful and applicable for nice guys and really for anyone, though, in a time in our culture where I think power itself can be a edgy and triggering word, but one that, you know, we're working hard as men, as leaders, as husbands, fathers to find a right relationship towards. And certainly I know I could speak from my side. From what I know of you, Luke, I think you would agree with me that this moment in time, what the world needs is more powerful, healthy, integrated men who can stand in that power. Very clearly.

Luke Adler: Yeah, we have the contrast to that which is top down power, power over, which really seeks to perpetuate a dynamic of if I have power that necessitates that you don't have power, you're less than me. And so you're subservient, you're in a diminished position. And so you, the choices you have are to take a, if you're power under, to take a position of pleasing or a position of not rocking the boat or walking on eggshells or being a nice guy, being a pleasing nice guy who is totally attuned to the power up position and looking around, anticipating needs, being careful not to get yelled at, being perfect so as not to experience the scorn of the power position. And our work is about entirely breaking that model apart and moving into what we call a dynamic of relationality where there's room for you and there's room for me. And of course, Jason and I exemplify this in our work, our partnership and the heart of Shadow, where there's room for him to lead and there's room for me to lead and there's room for me to make mistakes and Jason to make mistakes and there's just room to be human together. And it's so delightful to be in that kind of shared power position where it's not about Jason shining or me shining or even us both shining. It's not about shining, it's about being in relationship, sharing our gifts and drawing those out of other people. And that's really at the heart of what we do in the heart of shadow is we allow power to actually come into the relational dynamic and let it be a central feature of our creativity, of our dreaming, of our purpose, of our vision, and that it can be clunky and it can be awkward at times, and it can be something we sort out and discover together. And that's the key feature. We're engaging in a joint exploration of power. And one euphemism for power is really energy. Energy that has the capacity to flow. And so we can bring in plenty of metaphors around there. But I'll take a pause there for. For a moment.

Jason Lange: Well, yeah, I think that's a great place to. To. To dial in on because right, the. We start this episode and it's like, well, what do you mean by power? And there's a lot of ways to talk about that, that the energetic flow like you talked about, is one way we actually work with this in men. And we'll. We'll dial into that more. And you know, over the last couple years in men's work, how I've, you know, just started talking to clients about it pretty simply is just the capacity to move toward what we want, right? And so you said a movement of energy. So being able to move towards what I want, I'm in my power, right? I'm able to go for things. Doesn't mean I get everything I want necessarily, but I'm able to take action that has some kind of impact on my relationships, my environment, et cetera, to hopefully get me closer to something I want. And when we're not in our power, that's where, you know, we work with a lot of men. I've been there before. We often feel stuck, right? I'm stuck. I'm not in my power. This thing keeps happening with my spouse or my boss keeps treating me this way, and I can't do anything about it, right? So I. I don't feel like I'm in my power in that often. Like you said, there's. There's an actual energetic to that. And for nice guys in particular, I would say it often relates to the lower body, right? To our hara, our center, our dantian, our cock, our balls. All of that area kind of down here in our gut to our kind of perineum is. Is what I would say and you know, most traditions say is kind of the source of this type of power we're talking about. We sometimes talk about it in our program too, is just desire, right? Desire and power are often linked. Like, I want to move towards that. I'm not in my power. I'm like, fuck, I can't get a girlfriend. I have no desire. Right. I feel totally stuck or numb. And as we disconnect from this, for all kinds of reasons, we'll talk about stuckness, flatness, numbness are often really strong results of that. And you know, we tend to approach things from more the kind of shadow, energetic side of things. But, you know, you basically dive into any martial arts and this is what they talk about. This is where your power comes from. It comes from your center, right. You actually punch from here, you move through the room from here, you find your center here. It's all located in this part of the body in a pretty significant way. And I don't think that's a coincidence, right. In terms of what we're talking about, of breath comes from here, power comes from here, sexuality comes from here. And I think we're living in a moment in time where we've seen so many examples of the power over dynamic you were talking about, particularly through the patriarchy, through men, through the masculine, which is, well, I'm going to go for what I want, and I don't give a shit how it impacts you or the environment or other people. And in fact, I don't want you to have power because that would threaten my capacity to move towards what I want and get what I want. Right. So I actually want to keep you down there. And, you know, nice guy stuff can certainly start just in family dynamics. But part of what we're talking about here is an actual cultural layer, right. So many of us have seen that and are still seeing the impact and the consequences of that. And there's been this kind of allergic response to that, I think, in a lot of men of, oh, well, then I don't want to be the power over guy. I don't want to be the macho jerk, the caveman, the sex abuser, any of that. And you know, in. Yeah, one of my teachers basically puts it as, you know, we develop these allergies to certain energies in our life, which is like, we want to get away from it. And that has shown up in all, certainly in myself, in so many of our men, of this energy of power, of fire, of desire. All these things that are located kind of down here in the gut and the belly and the cock.

Luke Adler: Yeah, I love that you brought in the anatomy of power. That's exactly how we relate to it. And we experience it not only in our work, but of course, as human beings. The, the. The groundation of, of the kind of epicenter from which power arises is in that pelvic region that's the seed of our biological imperative, you know, fundamentally just to keep life moving, get the next generation out there into existence. And we're. We're immediately in touch with that primal desire to just keep life moving when we touch power to keep life perpetuating. And anything that's important to us is connected to that feeling, that feeling that lo. That actual locality in our body. So we have this archetypal arrangement of the nice guy, which defaults in the cultural field to being power under what is actually happening in our bodies when our power is offline or our power is diminished. And we could use the word clog or stuckness when we talk about our power diminished because it's not that we're depleted or that we're exhausted per se, it's that we're cut off from our power. There's a clog in the pipe, there's a stuckness in the system. And what is that made of? What does that constitute? That's actually keeping us from expressing and not just perhaps we are in touch with our power, but it's not moving, it's blocked by something. And in the archetypal arrangement of the nice guy, we are holding not only our own pain often, but we're holding the pain of the person who we're holding above us. We're holding their pain. And we call that empathic reversal or blind compassion or neurotic compassion, as one of our teachers describes it. It's holding the compassion for the other because they refuse it to hold it for themselves. And we implicitly feel afraid that if they feel their power, they're going to fall apart. So we do the psycho emotional work of both people in the relationship. And in a way, we participate in the dynamic of power over, power under. We hold the clog. And of course, that comes into our bodies as stagnation. Yes, diminished energy, adrenal fatigue. What does, what does Dr. Glover, Robert Glover, say about men typically who do this? It's really fascinating. Almost. In every case that he's studied, men of that archetype have some kind of sexual dysfunction. It's fascinating. So premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, any kind of erectile issue, prostatic issue, urinary bladder issues, UTIs, chronic fatigue syndrome, chronic regional pain syndrome, all of this exhaustive energy presentations because that whole glandular system, all the endocrine function of the testicles is diminished. So you have an up chain reaction where the adrenals are not functioning, the thyroid's not functioning, the thymus, the pineal gland, sleeps off Digestion's off. And so you have this down and upstream dysfunction because we're not in touch with what you and I often call Jason. Vitality is one of the markers of our program, The Heart of Shadow. Get in touch with your vitality. So that's the clog. Now the question is why? How do you do that? How's that happen?

Jason Lange: Well, that's the great work here, you know, and shadow work, this thing, you know, we're so passionate about and we have this whole program around, is really kind of a two step process of often identifying what happened, right. To change the natural flow of that circuit. Because we're not born that way with our power offline, right. I got a almost 2 year old upstairs and he has no problem expressing himself, his anger, his power, his desire, and letting us know with his whole body right now. Right? And all of us are born that way. And then something happens though, in our environment, in our family system, in our culture that gives us a lived experience of hey, that's not okay or not safe or that's going to be met with domination or, you know, who knows what it is. And so there's often some kind of fracture in our, in our body, mind, in our energetic system where we start to shut that down, reroute it, whatever that might be. So part of shadow work is becoming aware of that, like, hey, what, where did I learn this habit? Right? When did I learn this habit? And then, you know, the second part is the actual practice of, okay, now what the fuck do I do about that? This is where a lot of work stops, is, you know, we can sit, we can do shadow work, you and I can journal it. Oh yeah, here's the moment. I can go talk to my talk therapist and have the insight about the family system. But that doesn't do the integration, the practice of okay, now what does it mean to actually reconnect that power source inside me and how do I do that in, you know, men's work, men's groups, shadow work, like we do, I think is kind of the best place I've found to do that because it's interactive, it's a group and it's a safe place. And this is going to be a strange word to bring in here, but it's a safe place to play with the energy. And, you know, this is something I've been talking about a lot more now that the whole purpose of retreats or altered state experiences or doing deep work with guys like us is, is we actually go and we dabble in the extremes Right. We have to discover where too far is to know where just right is. And you want to do that in a safe container. And, you know, this is, again, something that is pretty natural in the world. You know, we often talk about it. Best example I can always portray is dogs tussling. Like, you see dogs playing with each other and they're. They're roughhousing, right? They get in there, they're growling, they're biting each other's necks. They're really going for it. And then eventually what you hear is someone went a little too far, right? And then the dogs adjust. Hey, that's my power level. I can do that. So now I know kind of where to go, but I also know where I can play, right? What it means to just tussle. And that play space. I think in all, all kinds of ways we talk about in our program, just play in general has evaporated for so many men. You know, I think, you know, our generation was maybe kind of the last free range generation where it was just like, hey, kids, see you, see you tomorrow. Just like kick you outside and you figure shit out. And a lot of that was discovering through play. Oh, yeah, I injured you, I hurt you. Now I have to deal with that. Now I have to adjust. Like when we wrestle, what does that mean? Or we get into a fight or all that kind of stuff. And I think in a lot of ways, even in a non nice guy family, a lot of that's being removed. And men don't have safe places to play and actually feel their power of, oh, wow, I could actually bring a lot of force here and hurt you. Or I could scream, or I could bring energy through. And it's through that play we actually get to learn and we get to know the energy optimally. So if we're ever in, you know, an actual situation, we can use appropriate power or force or whatever that might be in. You know, just before I forget, I'll tag this on. You know, Amir Khalighi, who I've had on my podcast before, is a beautiful men's work teacher I did some martial arts with in the desert many moons ago. And he had this great thing from his martial arts lineage that's just, you know, basically real power is the ability to use force to create safety when needed, like that. We want men who are in their power in that sense that I have the capacity to bring force to create safety for me, for people around me, et cetera. And it's not about dominating the person, but it's actually about creating safety. And I Think that's part of the vacuum we're at in our world right now, where without strong masculine figures who can step into wise use of power and force in a sense to create safety, we're just seeing the devastation of who fills in those gaps. And that's like at a cultural level. And you know, we've worked with plenty of men who one of the things they have to most deeply work in their relationship to their power is often their own father, right? And when he didn't stand in his power to protect them as a son, you know, I saw my dad just as a doormat or he never spoke up for me, or he never da, da, da, da, da, da. And it has a deep wound of, hey, wow, I never felt safe because no one ever stepped in to protect me or, you know, certainly the counter as well. My dad had no calibration with his screaming, his force, his aggression, and it was just an unconscious dump all the time that wreaked havoc on me, my nervous system, my siblings, you know, my mother, whoever, and I sure as shit don't ever want to be that. So that's where that allergy kind of develops. But this is the appropriate, you know, deep sacred work, I think, of what it means to cultivate, you know, our power, which is often linked, as we'll talk more about, to our anger, to our rage, to that energetic of something coming up and out of us to change the moment.

Luke Adler: Well said, Jason. Very beautiful and poignant example there of your own father, which, you know, I can relate to. What's powerful about everything that we're saying and you're highlighting here is that particularly in this program, the heart of shadow that we run and in shadow work, the remediating factor that actually makes the healing work and progress, particularly over time, is that the work is being done with men. And because the default culture of pain and abuse, I'd say is typically top down masculine over feminine, healing in a group of men over time enables that mending, that safety to build and grow. And that's the thing that you and I are both passionate with regards to. The Heart of Shadow is this long term model of a men's group, a men's work shadow group that has the capacity to hold depth, pain, wounding, our history, our visions, our aspirations, our sexuality, our narration, our entire lives. That's different from say a men's group that's just more of a check in style, which of course we love. We have those groups too, that's more just kind of dipping your, your toes in the water and Saying, okay, let's. Let's just like, try to be around other men and, and talk about something other than sports, you know, or politics, for that matter. So The Heart of Shadow is this environment where we create. We create safety in a sequential manner for men to begin to identify with their bodies what's stuck, what's clogged up in their system and begin to regain, like you said, Jason, maybe initially the explosive volcanic nature of the power that has been held down there for many decades. And yes, it's, It's. It can be quite. It can be quite big initially. Eventually that titrates down to having our power on tap, or as our. One of our teachers says, having your anger on tap. It's right there like a. Like you're. You're tapping a keg, so to speak. There it is. I just pull on it. It's right there. So that's, that's why the work works over time. And we see men, of course, ourselves, but we see men in our program heal, really heal and grow and develop as they template, mentor, parent, father, love, brother, on each other over time in a space of authentic depth where their strength and power can be right online with their deepest pain and wounding. That those can coexist. Now just let that sit with you for a while. If you're listening to that, that your vulnerability, your tears, your broken heart can coexist with your ferocity, your raw, animalistic strength and both be totally awake. That's something that is. Is not visible at the surface level of culture. You can't point to culture and go, yeah, I know a lot of guys who do that. That's not the culture. The culture's power over, power under. What we're bringing forward in The Heart of Shadow is mutual power, mutual pain. There's enough room for your history, your pain and wounding, and all of your power, vision and aspiration. That's what we do. So what is it that's hard right there in the moment when we're with our spouse, our coworker, our boss, our employee, our children, to share power. What is it that makes us take the position of power under or perhaps power over? Well, we'll look at power under. Typically, it's that we don't want to hurt this person. We don't want them. We don't want them to feel the pain that we're currently feeling. Or perhaps we know that they're in pain and we don't want to add to it. Simultaneously, we know that if we continue this dynamic and don't share what we have to say it's going to perpetuate the painful dynamic. Or in most cases, we are going to take it on. We're going to take it on and take it into our body and we're going to clog the pipe and feel even more stuck. So it's a dilemma. And I talk to men, of course, even in myself, because power is just an ever present dynamic, relationally speaking, it's always being approached. How do you engage with someone and be sensitive enough to share what needs to be shared and let there be room for them and let there be room for yourself? And so part of shared power is letting there be some process around it. Because the default of the nervous system is to fight, flight or freeze, please. It's to go into attack mode, move outside of your body, or to move deeply into your body, to retreat. You know, it's retreat, attack. And so the key for exploring your power is to slow it down, slow it way down. As one of my friends and I have coined, let the meat rest. You take the steaks out of the grill and you let the meat rest. You don't just dig into them, ah, like an animal, you just know, let the meat cool down a bit. Let your nervous system calm down from the fight, from the freeze, from the please. Especially the please. The please one's very tricky to, to identify because it's like, oh, let me diffuse this bomb as quickly as possible. It's so uncomfortable. I just, I, I just want everyone to feel calm again. It's. This feels like my family. Dad's yelling again. Oh my God. What, how, what can I do to be the hero child, the nice guy? No, resist that urgent. Let the meat rest. Bring the temperature down.

Jason Lange: And then this is.

Luke Adler: Go ahead.

Jason Lange: You know, so key, I think part of what we're talking about here, this is where when I say the practice or the skill building of what do we do with it? Right? So the intense charge comes up often. And okay, how do we work with that? Right, what do we do with that? And you know, what we have found is, yeah, you can definitely work with it. And it's actually the most natural path in the world in some sense. But with most people there becomes a clog somewhere. And so it's like this energy starts

Luke Adler: to

Jason Lange: heat up in our lower body. Whether that's desire, whether that's anger, frustration, wanting to move in some capacity or protect. And then the natural kind of movement is for it to come up and out in some way. Up and out often, most skillfully in some kind of spoken Relational way for a lot of guys. Yeah. It gets stuck somewhere, right? And then when it gets stuck, it does a couple of things. It either just stays there. We kind of dissociate from. Shoots out in all directions unconsciously through our hands, through our shoulders, right through our eyes, through our voice, or sometimes it does come out, but then it just comes right back and hits us in the face. It's got, like, a boomerang attached to it. But the optimal path is when we can kind of like, bring it up and, you know, let the stake rest in my mind in a lot of ways, is let it simmer in the heart. It's like when we let that energy simmer in the heart and rest there, something happens that when it comes out, it comes out differently, right, Than just the raw expression of it. And that is hard work to learn, because most of us never had it modeled in any way. And I think it's why power can get a bad rap in some sense. But when it's, you know, fueled through the heart, it becomes this incredibly sacred thing. Like, we want. I want people to be in their power, right? And I think part of what we've seen in. In this, you know, change of the. From power over and power under to. Well, I want to be in my power, and I want my power to actually support you in being in your power. So we start to empower each other, right? I think that is one of the new markers of healthy masculinity, is actually how much do I empower the people around me without abandoning myself and the work of doing that, you know, it's tough. It takes us into some pretty challenging places and knots and clogs and dissociations and memories and. And pains in our nervous system that, you know, shadow work, I think, is particularly apt at working with and rerouting and repatterning, and particularly in a group where we get to start to see what it looks like and feel it and meet another man in his power. When we're in our power and see, oh, that's what it looks like collapse. That's what it looks like to express. Fuck. That's what it looks like in that sweet spot where I trust this man more to be in his power, to speak his desires, to say his truth. And it's something, you know, we want all guys listening to come and work with us individually in our Heart of Shadow program. We got another cohort coming up here in September 2026 with an Austin retreat. And even before that, we have a little webinar we're working on coming up here on Monday, August 24, Rage and Anger, how to wisely channel your power as a man. Luke and I will be leading you guys through kind of a group experiential process and you'll get to work with each other to, to learn how to work specifically with rage and anger, which are two parts of this whole power energetic that we're talking about. And how really taking responsibility for how do we work with this consciously is the road to this healthy power that we've been talking about. And that's Monday, August 24, pm Mountain, pm Pacific. And you can just go to Evolutionary Men Rage. And you can opt in right there. It's free. You'll get to meet us in person. We'll probably do a little shadow work with a couple of guys as well. And you don't have to stay stuck, right? I think that's the key here that I have experienced in my life what it means to get some of my power back in my ability, like I said, to express, to move towards, to have desire again at even deeper levels. And I couldn't have done it without you and without shadow work.

Luke Adler: So great to be with you, brother. And join us for the webinar. If you're interested in The Heart of Shadow, you'll find us on those websites and we'd love to work with you guys.