I was in my mid-20s, still a virgin, numbed out on porn, and I didn't have the first clue how to be in my own body. That's where I started, and that's the story I brought onto Born without a Choice this week, because I think a lot of men are living some version of it right now and don't know there's a way out yet.
We got into what actually shifted things for me, getting into my first men's group and doing somatic work with guys who were deeper than me, guys who demanded I actually show up present instead of performing. We talked about why so many of us were raised to believe the man who stands alone, the cowboy who needs nobody, is the whole picture of masculinity, and what that isolation actually costs us in porn, food, alcohol, work, whatever the numbing agent happens to be. We got into nice guy syndrome, why it's often a kind of manipulation dressed up as kindness, and why the fastest way out of it is community that can reflect your patterns back to you. And we talked about the three things I believe make up healthy masculinity, being grounded in your body, open in your heart, and clear in your mind about what actually matters right now instead of what you've been told should matter.
Toward the end we got into what I think is one of the most overlooked masculine practices there is, getting still enough to hear your own knowing instead of just running toward the next goal because it happened to show up. And the invitation I kept coming back to, for myself and for every man listening, is simple. Stop trying to carry it all alone, and find one other man to go deeper with than the small talk usually allows.
What would it look like for you to reach out to one man this week and actually go there with him?
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Host (Born without a choice): Nobody asked to be here. None of us chose the expectations we'd inherit, the roles we'd be told to play, or the silence battles we'd carry for generations. Many men were taught to stay quiet, to be strong, to handle everything alone. But what happens when strength becomes isolation? When success feels empty? When no one ever teaches you how to truly know yourself? Today's guest believes that healing begins the moment when men stop working alone. Because real strength isn't found in isolation. It's found in connection. Welcome to Born Without a Choice. Today's guest is Jason Lange, a men's embodiment coach, group facilitator, and evolutionary guide dedicated to helping men find deeper purpose, healthier relationships, and authentic connection. Jason is a Certified no More Mr. Nice Guy Coach who has trained with some of the world's leading teachers in men's work, leadership and personal development. After spending years struggling with loneliness, self doubt and relationships himself, Jason discovered the life changing power of men's group. Today, his mission is simple. To help every man experience the healing, accountability and growth that comes from genuine brotherhood. So, Jason, welcome to the show. Awesome.
Jason Lange: Glad to be here, Victory. Thanks for having me.
Host (Born without a choice): Wonderful, Jason. So, Jason, the first question of the day, you know, your own journey into men's work began through personal struggles with loneliness and relationships. So, Jason, what was the turning point that's changed your life?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I would say the thing that really shifted thing for me was when I got into men's work in my first men's groups and particularly started doing somatic work in a men's group. So I was in my mid-20s by this time. I was still a virgin. I was extremely anxious, kind of numbed out, addicted to porn, did not know how to connect to women, and very insecure in a lot of deep ways. And it was in my first men's groups that gifted and guided, you know, gifted facilitators helped guide me into my body for the first time ever in my life. And I got to experience a tremendous amount of grief I was holding from being pretty severely neglected physically and emotionally growing up. And I had tried talk therapy, I tried reading books. I had, you know, done all the things you could do back then. But it was really getting into presence with other men who were deeper than me that really started to shift things for me. And suddenly I had a support system around me of men who just gave a shit and cared about me and demanded that I actually be present when in circle and relating to them. And that was the first domino that really just kind of kept knocking down all the rest. And helped me transform my life into what it is now.
Host (Born without a choice): Wow. Jason. Jason, you often say that every man should be. Excuse me. You often say that every man should be part of a man's group. So why do you believe brotherhood is so essential today?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I think part of it is, you know, us men are raised to believe that being invulnerable and not needing anyone is kind of the pinnacle of masculinity. The man who stands alone. You know, I'm out here in the United States, and we kind of have this romantic ideation about the. The Marboro man, the cowboy who lives out on the frontier and is tough as nails and doesn't need anybody. And while it's, you know, a beautiful image, it's not how reality works. And we are now seeing more and more research and news articles coming out about. About the disastrous consequences of men being raised in this culture, because it teaches us to isolate, to not open up, to not ask for help, and specifically to not feel. And then when an intense feeling does come, something doesn't work out the way we want in life. We lose a loved one, there's an accident, you know, whatever it is, we don't know how to deal with that feeling. So what most men do is they do what I did, they turn to something outside of themselves to try to numb the pain. For me, it was porn and food. For other men, it's alcohol, weed, smoking, cigarettes, overeating, video games. I mean, you name the vice, you can find it. But the point is, these are all tools we're trying to use to regulate ourselves and handle our pain. But ultimately, all they do is provide temporary relief, and that hurts us men. And then what we do is we isolate with all that pain and that numbing, which hurts us even more. And so men's groups and men's community and men's work starts to shift things that says, hey, instead of holding all this pain inside, you sit with others who will sit with you in it so it doesn't run your life anymore. And a good men's group is going to be able to support a man when he's knocked down and help him get back up and find his center. And it's also going to help hold him accountable. So when that. When he is off track from the goals of his life, from the image of himself as a man he wants to be, those men can reflect it to him. The masculine part of all of us grows through feedback. And men's group is one of the most powerful ways we can start to get that feedback about how we're showing up in our body, how we're showing up in our relationships, and how we're showing up in our life. So it shifts things from I got to do it all alone to I'm going to be able to do more of what I want to do when I have a team at my back.
Host (Born without a choice): Absolutely amazing, Jason. Amazing work you're doing. You know, Jason, you created a Certified no more Mr. Nice Guy Coach. So what does being a nice guy actually mean? And why can it become unhealthy? Yeah.
Jason Lange: So the. More Mr. Nice Guy is a book that was written by my friend and mentor, Dr. Robert Glover, and it becomes. It's. It sells more copies every year than the last because it's naming a very real thing that happens for a lot of men, which is having grown up either and having experienced it personally or seen it in the culture, many men have been impacted by the harm of other men. What masculinity, what men disconnected from their hearts, what they can do. And we have plenty of evidence of this in history. We have plenty evidence of this in the current news. And there's many men that grow up just thinking, hey, wow, I don't want to be that guy. I want to be something else. Or within their family of origin, the way they were raised, for whatever reason, their caregivers and them existed in a family system where it was not safe for them to be themselves. And for whatever reason, they had to be a certain way to appease their mother or father or both. What all of this swirls together to create is the so called nice guy, which is a guy who doesn't want to make anyone else uncomfortable, wants to keep everyone else safe, wants to be very caring and sensitive, wants to be nice, nice, but does so by continually abandoning himself, his power, his desires, his wants, his sexuality, his boundaries. And ultimately, it leaves him feeling often very isolated, resentful, mistrustful, and not someone that other people can trust. And long term, it burns men. Ow. And so, you know, nice guys get a lot of bad rap these days. But, you know, what I do like to say is, in a lot of ways, the nice guy is a positive evolution of men and masculinity because it is aware. Nice guys are aware of their impact on others and try to care about that. The problem is they leave out a little bit of the baby in the bathwater. And by continually abandoning themselves, they actually aren't very trustable, safe or kind men. Because nice guy syndrome at its core is actually often a way to manipulate other people. If I'm just nice enough to you, you'll give me what I want back. And we often do that because it's a lot less vulnerable than asking directly for what we want because that risks rejection or conflict. So one of the fastest ways to grow beyond being a nice guy is again to get into community with other men who can start to point out your patterns and the ways you're showing up as a so called nice guy, which actually ends up not being so nice for everyone around you.
Host (Born without a choice): So, Jason, the traditional definition of masculinity seems to be changing. So what do you believe healthy masculinity looks like today, Jason?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I kind of summarize it with three components. And it starts with our ability as men to be in our bodies. So to be grounded and relaxed and present in our bodies in the moment. Now that sounds really fancy, but it's actually quite simple. It's just having my attention here and now on my body, on its sensations, and being grounded, meaning breathing deeply, feeling my feet on the earth. It's an actual state our nervous system can be in that very few men these days know how to invoke. But when we're grounded in our bodies, it actually relaxes the people around us. Then from there, once we're grounded in our bodies, we open up our hearts. So our capacity to feel and be felt, to actually be impacted by the presence of others and allow our presence to impact other people. So it means we're available for connection, we're transparent, we're revealing, we're in a relational space. We're feeling not only our body, but our emotions. And once that comes online, the last piece, which does get a lot of a bad rap for us men, because most men only hang out here by default, which is up in our heads. Most men spend most of their times thinking about their own thoughts, perseverating and ruminating and only living from the neck up. But when we're grounded in our bodies and open in our hearts, what that allows for is for us to appropriately use the power of our mind, which is basically having the ability to be aware of what matters most in any given moment. And to do that, we have to be able to focus on what we want to and be aware of all of the contexts we're in in the moment, in our life, in our relationships, so we can really put our attention on, hey, what matters the most right now, in this moment, I could be paying attention to anything. But what matters the most for me to pay attention to. And so healthy Masculinity is when a man can be grounded in his body, open in his heart, and aware of what matters most. And when a man can do that, he becomes an incredible presence and force in his community, in his family, in his relationships that other people want to be around.
Host (Born without a choice): Wow. That was an amazing response, Jason. Now, Jason, many young men struggle with identity, purpose, and relationships. So, Jason, what advice would you give someone trying to figure out who they are?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I would say get offline into nature with other men and get rid of all the distractions. So this feeling of who am I? Starts with us doing those three things I just talked about. You have to get in your body, connected to yourself, actually feeling what's happening and being present right here and now. Then we have to open ourselves up to other people, to impact, to be impacted. And then, like I said, what starts to come is a clarity of, what should I pay attention to right here and now in my life? What matters to me? And a lot of men avoid slowing down and getting still in those ways because it makes them uncomfortable. And instead, they just keep going, moving, thinking, trying, and often will end up running down different goals and opportunities and things that once they get there, they realize, I didn't even want to be here. This was just the thing that came my way or that I was told I should do. You know, I worked so hard so I can make all this money and buy this house, but now I'm here and I'm like, I'm miserable. This isn't actually how I want to live. So for most men, the answer is actually a bit counterintuitive, where it's about slowing down, emptying out, and getting more still. Essentially, one of the deepest masculine practices there is is I am going to get so still, drop out of the hustle and the bustle. I am just going to sit and rest in stillness until some deep knowing and impulse asks me to move. Wow, there's that thing I've always wanted to do. I got to do it, or I've never had that conversation with my mother. I've always wanted to have. And then we act from that place. So getting to know oneself often involves stillness. It involves reflection from other men. And then, yes, absolutely, it involves challenging ourselves, putting ourselves in situations where we have to really show up and be uncomfortable, whether it's relationally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, you name it. And you know, unsurprisingly, where I would advocate that the most is in a men's group and doing men's work where we can get really clear about what we're feeling, what we want, and what our vision is for how we're going to get there in this lifetime.
Host (Born without a choice): If every man listening today decided to make one change in his life after this conversation, what would you encourage him to do? First, Jason?
Jason Lange: It would be to stop trying to do it all alone. And, you know, here's the easy takeaway I give most guys is, yeah, I think a men's group is amazing, and I really want every man to be in one. But deep connection can start way before that, in that most of us men are taught in default to relating by talking about things or through triangulation, meaning me and you, we sit side by side and we have our attention on some third thing. A sports game, we're doing, a sporting activity, we're watching a TV together, we're fishing, you know, whatever it is. But our connection comes from having our attention on some third thing. You can completely disrupt that and feel much deeper levels of connection by putting your attention on each other as men. So you can be a man who becomes a leader in your community by just finding one other man. Almost everybody has some kind of intuitive sense of, oh, hey, I met so and so once, and, I don't know, part of me wanted to connect more with him, or we had a good talk, and you be the one to reach out to him, and you sit him down and you go deeper than the default conversation. So you actually talk about what's happening inside you and what your struggles are in life and how you feel about them. And then you ask him the same. And often what that'll do is it'll drop you two into a deeper level of connection. And that connection, why I'm pointing to that, it's like a free battery source of incredible amounts of energy. Life will be there with all the stress it normally has, but connection is like the powerful juice we can use to navigate it all. So, as a man, reach out, go deeper with another man in your life. You may be shocked what's available to you if you do so.
Host (Born without a choice): Amazing, Jason. Amazing. You know, being a man was never meant to or was never meant to mean carrying everything alone. Real courage is facing yourself. Real strength is choosing growth. And real leadership begins with the willingness to become the best version of yourself. Because the man you become will shape your family, your relationships, your community, and maybe even the next generation. This is born without a choice. And our wonderful guest of the day, Jason, it was truly a pleasure to have you on show. Also, Jason, for anyone listening right now, this whole conversation has resonated with. I would love to know more about you. Where can my listeners find you? Jason?
Jason Lange: Yeah, easiest way to keep up with me is just visit my website at Evolutionary Men. And I've got a podcast, blogs, programs, all kinds of stuff on there. And if you're a man who's just, you know, feeling, feeling curious about what your next evolution is, you can also take my free quiz at Evolutionary Men quiz. And it's going to give you a pretty strong assessment of what your strengths are as a man and what your growing edge.
Host (Born without a choice): Pleasure to have you on the show.
Jason Lange: Thanks so much.
