Can Sex Keep Getting Better in Long-term Relationship?

Jason Lange: All right, and welcome back.

Violet Lange: Hello, everyone.

Jason Lange: This is Violet Lang and Jason coming at you from our respective podcasts and excited today to talk about sex.

Violet Lange: Woohoo. Ouch.

Jason Lange: And this idea of is your sex getting better year in and year out in your relationship?

Violet Lange: Which I think is an edgy topic because a lot of us maybe have been brainwashed or conditioned to think that the sex just gets worse over time. I mean, I know that I was in a sexless marriage for five years, and we did have sex, like, the first year of dating, and then it just pretty much after the wedding, like, stopped. I mean, I could probably count on one hand how many times after that. And I think for various reasons, you know, our society shame sexuality, but yet expects men to want it all the time. There's just a lot of factors why we put up with not getting the sex we want or deserve in a relationship.

Jason Lange: And so today we just want to talk a little bit about our story and, you know, what we've kind of both intentionally and accidentally stumbled across as, you know, what keeps it thriving for us and something we're still excited about. Eight years into knowing each other here.

Violet Lange: Yeah, almost nine. I can't tell you how many times. You know, it's at least a few times a year over these almost nine years together that we both will say after having sex, like, wow, that was like, the best sex we've ever had. So when we say, like, can it get better? Yes, there. There is a trajectory in our relationship of it getting better and better. So we're a testament to that. And there's been times where we haven't had as much sex or the sex wasn't as deep as it could have been, or, you know, it doesn't mean that our sex life is perfect.

Jason Lange: Yeah, I think it's something we've probably discovered that I think is true for a lot of thriving couples that we know is good. Sex can be somewhat seasonal in the sense there may be times where it's feeling really rich and connected and novel, and there may be other times that it's just a little bit more in a static place, and that's actually not a problem, but it's the cycle we can go through and keep coming back to in more novel and Connected ways.

Jason Lange: And I'd say for me, I think I'm kind of coming around the bend, so to speak, of something actually happened in a couple of my relationships that definitely played out in our relationship of I would actually be much stronger initiating sex early on in a relationship and kind of making it happen and bringing some vitality there. And then, you know, I don't know, a year in or so, I would kind of lose my capacity there and have a much harder time initiating, even though I often wanted it. And that was definitely a road bump, speed bump. We hit, you know, pretty much as soon as we got married. And, you know, there's been seasons since then. But for me, one of the things that's different now is I feel much more comfortable just coming forward with what I want. And I think there's maybe more of a. What's the word? Like, kind of just a playful curiosity that I feel like we've. We're landing at now where it's. Yeah, it's just more. It's more fun in the sense of, oh, yeah, where else can this go? You know? What.

Violet Lange: What?

Jason Lange: Not in a. Not from like a not getting needs met place, but just like a more adventuring. Like, hey, we're out in this beautiful place and let's keep exploring.

Jason Lange: And for me, you know, in a sense it's more about. It's been a big part of it is kind of how I'm thinking about this is like what she just spoke about. And I would argue this might be true for a lot of couples, but not necessarily every couple, but certainly true of our couple. I think of like her work, which I've really come to appreciate over the years and was sharing this with her a couple weeks ago is I work with a lot of men and they share some of their challenges in their, in their sex life of like literally how much work you do to keep your erotic energy alive in your body independently of me. Meaning it's not only with me. Like she's putting time as her day right into, into keeping herself in a sensual kind of pleasure oriented place. And that's like a big gift because then, you know, particularly as parents, we don't always have the longest windows to connect intimately. And so there's like a way we can make better use of that time because you're kind of warmed up in a sense. And I think the equivalent I'm becoming more conscious of is it's in a way it's being in my body. But you know, there's plenty been plenty of times in our relationship where you know, I've been working out, I've been in my body, but I'm not really present in the relationship. So what I'm feeling, and I think what I'm speaking towards here is, you know, in a sense what she's been doing is keeping her erotic energy in her body alive and warm, right. This idea of fire that sometimes people talk about. And for me, and I would probably argue this is true for a lot of men, it's going to be keeping kind of my heart space warm, which is what actually allows me to be in relationship with you, like emotionally open and processing and connected that requires, you know, me to be taking good care of myself, to be getting enough sleep to be not getting overly stressed out by work towards to be revealing my inner world to you so you feel connected to my heart and for me to, you know, be getting Connected, in my case, to other men regularly, who helped me kind of keep oriented of where am I at in life and what's going on and, you know, not being so stressed out about it, but that, you know, I think we often work best when, like, I'm warmer in the heart space and you're kind of warmer more in the genital space, in a sense. And then that fire is just much easier to connect. And the other thing that that does take from me is. And this is certainly an edge, you know, I've been walking and will continue to walk and improve upon is, you know, in a sense, putting in the time for emotional connection before erotic time. In a sense that it does matter to stay connected through the week or to drop in with you or to come up and hug you, in a sense, to kind of keep our heart space alive so that when we do have those windows, you know, we can. We can meet there and that, yeah, what do we need to be doing independently so that when we can come together, we have something in the tank. We have energy to play with and explore with each other. And that's not something I was always great about doing in the past. You know, staying up too late, working, or getting stressed or just not being available to you outside of erotic time.

Violet Lange: Thank you for acknowledging that. And, you know, I've. I've had my work to do in all this area too, in terms of, like, keeping my erotic fire warm. There's so many ways to do that. And I just also want to explain that it doesn't have to be that you're touching your genitals, although sometimes that is. Every person has a different way of turning on. So for someone, it might be thinking about new kink or new fantasies. For someone else, it might be, you know, putting on body oil after the shower. There's. There's a lot of different ways to build sensuality in. And I do a lot of that in my course, Sacred Sensuality. Cause I go through the different Jaya blueprints and each chakra, how each chakra links to our genitals and our erotic anatomy as women. So I'm not gonna go into that now, but just know there's many pathways, you know, you don't have to just follow one particular pathway. And it's not even about, oh, this lingerie would turn on my partner, or this thing would turn on my partner. It's what is turning on you, you know, and what's making you feel excited and playful and alive. And we're not on video today, but there is a. Like a circuit or a loop of energy in Taoism that they talk about where it's kind of like the penis energy flows into the cervix. The cervix then flows energy up to the heart. The heart flows energy over towards the man's heart, and then his heart energy flows down to his cock. And so it's like this flow of energy going upward from the cervix to the heart for the woman, going downward from the heart to the penis for the man. And the reason that I bring that up is because, yeah, if either of us kind of cut off one of those places in the circuit, then. Then we just. The energy won't be able to flow and. And we can't just expect our partner to do it all because we have responsibility for our bodies and our energy bodies and keeping that flow going.

Jason Lange: Absolutely. And I would say, you know, as a couple, it's something we also just make time for, including sometimes bringing in, you know, courses or books or things to just add a little novelty. So we're exposed, you know, to different possibilities or talking about things or adventuring in new places that, you know, again, there's just a. This is a priority for us, and we're going to keep putting energy into it. And it turns out when we're putting energy into it, as often is the case, it really radiates out into everything else. And it kind of tends to make life easier, I think, is one thing. We've certainly experienced that when we're connecting and making space for that erotic energy, it actually gives us a lot more space for all the other stresses in life. And it's an actual legitimate power source, I think, in our relationship, and I think in a lot of couples. And when they don't have it, it's like kind of running your relationship on half a tank, like, on empty.

Violet Lange: And I don't want to make a hierarchy of different types of sex, but there is a type of sex where both people are just stressed. And it's kind of like, okay, let's climax and let's have sex so we can work through the stress in our nervous system. And again, there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with maintenance sex or kind of just routine sex. Nothing wrong with release sex. But for us, it seems to work really well when, yes, we're getting release and relief and pleasure and all that, but it's more like it's generating, to Jason's point, it's generating a depth in our connection that we just can't get to when we're verbally processing or in logistics mode. And for me, as the feminine, when I have had great sex, I think about it like for days, sometimes even weeks, you know, not every moment. But for instance, just recently, Jason, in the morning before our daughter had woken up, said something like, I don't know why, I'm just really horny right now. And I was like, amazing because I just, I was open to that. I was feeling rested. You know, we were both kind of in that we've woken up and not gotten out of bed space. And because like you mentioned before, sometimes it's been hard for him to come towards me with his desire. And he said things in the past like, I want you or I'm thinking of you, which I really like too. But there's something about the purity of him just saying, I'm just really hoarding right now. That for me felt liberating and exciting. And so I thought about that. You know, I had sex that morning. It was wonderful. And I thought about that for days afterwards. It was like a little mini celebration, you know, like if you got a promotion at work or something. And then you're just like, wow, this is so cool. So it gave me a high. And for me, when we are having a physical connection somewhat regularly and when there's depth that we're talking about, the little things are less important to me. You know, I'm someone who can get really bent out of shape about, like, what's in the recycling, does it really. Is it really recyclable? You know, how dirty is the house? When does the next laundry have to be done? Like, I can, I just am a little more anxious and OCD about that stuff. But something about having a good sexual and emotional connection softens life for me. So it's really a gift to have that resource, that power source we can tap into. So, yeah, for leading sexually as the feminine, I talked about being sexually generous. I'm just going to give some examples. Again, it does not mean you have to do these things, but for me, it's a little bit of an element of surprise and then kind of co creation with him. So, for instance, one of our magic moments sexually that I dare I say am proud of is, you know, it was like the end of a long day. Jason was in the shower. We were talking about either our work or spirituality or something not inherently sexual. And I was reading to him a quote from a book. And then we opened the shower door. He saw that I was totally naked and just wearing my glasses, holding this book. So I, I love personally to surprise him like that to you know, flash my boobs sometimes or like do a little booty shake or yeah. Not have any clothes on while he's in the shower. And those are just the examples that are coming to mind. I probably think I do this more often than I actually do it, but it's something that feels like a way that I can lead as the feminine is to reveal, reveal my body, reveal my heart and be willing to keep the sexual energy going. And there's other times where I've been like, hey, I want to do a sexy dance for you, like pick out a song. But in order for me to feel confident doing a sexy dance for him, I went to S factor classes, which is a pole dancing type class. You know, I've done other sensual movement and sensual embodiment classes. So again, I'm not trying to make it seem like it's a ton of work, but I wouldn't feel confident and safe in my body to be that generous with him if I hadn't already developed some erotic based self practices that are not about orgasm but are just about moving sexual energy. You know, Mikayla Bohm teaches these things. Layla Martin, Sheila Kelly of S Factor. You know, there's like a lot of teachers that I've taken their workshops or have done their work in some way, even reading their books like Jaya. Like if I stay in my body, if I'm sexually generous and if I stay curious about sex, you know, there's like new Netflix shows all the time, like how to Build a Sex Room or Sex, Love and Goop. Like me staying curious about those things also helps me bring energy and be generous into the relationship.

Jason Lange: And I would say for me as the masculine, there's, you know, a couple of ways there's yeah, sometimes just being direct, like I'm horny, you know, I want to create this experience for us or I want to experience you in this way that is really important to just have that again, energy. She said it. That I think is really key in our relationship. And I just want to highlight here, this does not always mean in a sexual way, but anytime I'm coming towards her, right, like actually moving my body towards her, coming close to her, getting closer to her emotionally, that often starts to create the erotic energy. Whether or not we're sexual in that moment or not, that there's a, in a sense there's a lot of power on my side by bringing that forward. That when I do that, that's one of the ways I can keep the engine of our sex life, alive and vital. And the other way, I would say, is it's. It's even more indirect, but it's. Well, what is. What are the conditions that need to be happening to allow her to relax into her body more and more? And this is, you know, certainly a challenge with a kid. And, you know, I think of one instance, which, again, it's like an indirect way, but in our previous residence, you know, by the time we had Ruby, I don't know, she might have been two years old or so, we basically had kind of a rat's nest of shoes in our, like, utility room, because suddenly I had, like, three or four pairs of shoes. Violet had, like, five. And then Ruby suddenly had a bunch of shoes, and. And they were just always kind of piled there. And it was uncomfortable, to say the least, to have to, like, dig out your shoes and walk into the room. And there was just a lot going on. And that was one of those areas where, in a masculine sense, I was just like, oh, we need a shoe rack. So I just got a shoe rack, and I put it up and I put the shoes on it. And that had an impact right on you and your body.

Violet Lange: Totally. I was feeling lit up and so taken care of. And it's so basic. But I don't. I. I don't always think about the structural things. I'm a little bit more like a, you know, kind of like, busy body, just, like, always tidying and that. But I don't often think about, like, oh, the best solution instead of kicking the shoes around is to just get a shoe rack.

Jason Lange: Yeah. And, you know, another example I would say of kind of. So, again, this is a little bit more like, one way I can lead. I tend to lead, and, you know, it's gonna be different for every man. But we often associate structure with the masculine. So it would be a bringing a book or a course or something. Like, again, in our old place, lighting. So, you know, I got some fancy LED kind of lights in the pattern of a heart we could put on in our bedroom that then could very easily change the mood, right from red to fading, different colors. That, again, it has an impact on the space, which then has an impact on. On your nervous system. And I think that's the case for a lot of women. So it's. And, you know, this is. This is one she's had to give me feedback around. And, you know, sometimes I'm better than others, but, you know, sometimes the best way to keep our erotic energy alive is for me to put the dishes away at 6am in the morning before my day starts. Right. Like, it actually starts there. And I think this is the thing. A lot of us men don't want to take responsibility for that. Like, oh, okay, if I'm starting to feel horny and, you know, I can feel like, hey, tomorrow night, my. Like, it actually starts then in terms of how can I start creating this connection and, you know, real relaxation in our nervous systems between now and then that often does have to do with stuff around the house or chores or different work. And there's ways I can certainly keep improving there. But these things are really important for us men. That there's the direct way of bringing my sexual energy towards, and then there's what can I be doing to support her nervous system? Being able to fully relax and open when I do come towards her. So it's kind of optimally, I think, from the masculine. It's both.

Violet Lange: Yes. And I just want to add one last thing that we've kind of mentioned, which is I think it's so easy for kids to become an excuse to not have an erotic connection. And we both really prioritize that. And I am proud of myself and proud of us for prioritizing that. So I know there's a million and one excuses, and I shouldn't say excuses, a million and one reasons to kind of let this dwindle. But I have never seen a healthy couple that has zero intimate physical connection. It doesn't mean that you're having penetrative sex all the time, but I just don't think it's sustainable to have a relationship where there's no intimacy. And I've worked with women who haven't had sex with their partner in like, three years or five years, you know, since having their last baby. And. And sometimes it comes down to their partner being like, this isn't working for me. So if you're in a sexless relationship, I just want to encourage you to have the hard conversation that, like, this has to change for us. And I want to support you in that, you know, regardless of which partner is feeling disconnected from their sexual energy. And it. You don't have to stay stuck.

Jason Lange: And I think I just want to close here with two highlights, at least for me. Just moments that came to. Came to mind of, in a sense, when Kind of Violet led the erotic connection. And, you know, one time, I remember early in our relationship, I don't quite remember how she framed it, but she showed up at my apartment in like, a trench coat or in like a long, long coat. And then, you know, came up into my bedroom and took it off and was wearing just beautiful lingerie. And preface that she was really kind of nervous. She had never really kind of done that in that exact way before. But it was like such an erotic gift to me because she just looks so beautiful. And it was unexpected, and it was like a surprise, which was really beautiful. And then, you know, another time with Burning man, it was early in the morning, and we were out, and she really initiated in front of a beautiful piece of art and kind of led us into an experience that was, you know, unforgettable to this day. That, again, was kind of novel. It was a surprise. It was her revealing where she was at and sometimes intuiting what she knew would light me up, you know, in both of those situations. And so, obviously, a little bit of novelty goes a long way for me, but, you know, another way I'll frame this, which is, you know, a little sensitive in a sense, but it's, you know, really gifting me sometimes her body, which I just love. Like, I love seeing it. I love witnessing it. I love seeing it dressed up in different things, like, and it really lights me up, you know, really lights me up. And she gifts that to me in different ways at different times, and it's something I'm thankful for. So thank you.

Violet Lange: My pleasure. And something I'm thankful for with Jason is his leadership, like he said, of kind of space and tracking things that might be stressful for me and kind of managing those or helping dissipate those around the house. But he's also just great about leading us into new experiences. So, for instance, we typically would have sex, like, either in our living room or in our bedroom. And then one time in our old house, he was like, let's go in your office, in the back room, you know, which I don't know how he got that impulse, but he just did. And I have, like, a rocking chair kind of recliner with an ottoman. And it just so happened that having that much space to kind of, like, rock and move, you know, I was kind of had my hips on the ottoman, and he was sitting in the chair was so fantastic for me. I'd actually never had sex like that before. You know, I made the joke earlier about you don't have to go get a sex swing, but an ottoman is highly recommended. And that, to me, was one of the best. Yeah, one of the best times that we've ever had sex. Just so much open in me by having the freedom for my body to move and not be kind of against, like, the bed or the hard ground. Like, there was just so much more happening in my hips. So subtle adjustments and new ways of trying things can have huge payoffs.

Jason Lange: Yeah, I think we'll just end with that, you know, Again, what makes it better, over and over and over as time goes by is, in a sense, it's related to novelty. But it. That novelty isn't just like a new toy or a new location. It's to kind of tie it all together here. The dedication we've both each had to keep growing. And so sometimes, like literally a year later, it's two different people having sex, because we've both been on this inner journey of healing and growth. And then as a couple, that there's novelty in terms of we keep getting to meet each other over and over again and that it doesn't have to go, you know, stale in that sense. And just having that commitment to exploration of ourselves and each other, including our erotic connection, you know, it's so powerful. And it's available to any couples out there that are just committed enough to say, yeah, this is a priority and we're going to put time in. And so if you want to put the time in, you can do it with us and you can join us in our program, Evolutionary Couples, which you can learn all about at evolutionarycouples Us. And that program includes a live component where you get to work with Violet and I together, and each person in your coupledom gets to work with us individually in a cohort. So you get to know other couples who are on this journey. And it includes a guided thing called 12 epic dates, which are actually, okay, this is the nuts and bolts, 12 experiences you're going to have, like she said, six around polarity, six around kind of themes, intimacy, connection, and, you know, as I kind of call it, the unsexy work that creates that foundation for the polarity to really flourish. And if you're at a place where you can't do the live cohort with us, you can sign up and join 12 epic dates anytime. And you can actually guide yourselves through that experience with our kind of virtual help, so to speak. But if you want to go deeper, you can do that in the context of actual support with us through the Evolutionary Couples Program. So head on over to evolutionarycouples us to check it out and let us know if you have any questions.

Violet Lange: See you there.

Jason Lange: If you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to Evolutionary Men. Apply.