How to Attract Better Intimate Partners

All right, and welcome back. So on this episode, I want to talk to single guys about one of the most powerful ways you can shift who you're attracting and who you're attracted to.

So recently, I was working with a guy who had been through a pretty tough time. He had had some really negative experiences dating, where he really felt like women were just kind of using him. And then he had a pretty big heartbreak. And he took that heartbreak and decided to use it to motivate himself, right? To kind of push himself to grow and as he said, to build himself up. And this is awesome, right? It's a powerful way to channel that energy into some kind of productivity.

The thing is, the experience he kept having over and over and over again was that sense that these women, they're just using me for my money, for my time, for my attention. And he didn't really feel a lot of reciprocity in his relationships. Now, there was a key thing we uncovered that was pretty illuminating for him, and that was when he got into this mode of deciding to build himself up.

What he really focused on was his physicality, so his appearance. He started working out in the gym for two or three hours a day, got really fit, bulk strong, which is, again, an awesome thing, and it's a great thing. He felt good in his body. That always generates a certain type of confidence. And then the other thing he really decided to focus on was his career. He went really hard for two years and wanted to make as much money as. As possible so he could be very successful in his career.

Now, again, these two things are both great, right? He achieved a lot of success, and he really was changing a lot and transforming a lot and becoming even more comfortable within himself. The problem in that dynamic, if we just focus on that, is you'll notice both physical appearance and even financial appearance. They're both surface level, right? So they're based on perceptions on the outside.

If I make enough money or if I look a certain way, then I'll win the approval of whoever I'm attracted to, whether that's a man or a woman. The problem with that is because he was focusing on that surface level stuff. What he was doing was attracting partners and people who were also focused on that surface level stuff. So they did, they really did only care sometimes about his financial status or his physicality.

And they weren't as caring about his interiors, his heart, the fact that he wanted to grow and have a deeply meaningful spiritual, connected and change in growth oriented relationship with someone. So what we talked about, which is pretty counterintuitive, right? I do a lot of work with guys around dating and relationships and why there is some basic stuff of you just got to feel good and energized in your body. What I led him to was that has to be matched by development on your interiors.

And this is what's a lot edgier for a lot of men. We talk about doing the work right, which is really the process of healing ourselves and becoming the most whole versions of ourselves in our body, in our emotions, in our spirit and in our thoughts and in our mind. And a lot of us men cultured out of our bodies and out of our emotions. Things I've talked about a lot on this podcast before. We're taught that being in our body and having emotions is actually weak.

And that has a big consequence for us, right? Because then we tend to just focus on the external stuff. The problem with that, as we discovered me and this client, is then you keep attracting, he kept attracting people who are only concerned with the outer surface stuff. So the game plan, the change plan is what I call kind of cross training. It's not that we stop doing that other stuff. It's important to feel good in your body, it's important to feel strong, it's important to be making money so you can lead the life you want to live and feel successful in your career and have that forward momentum and direction that is so important to the masculine.

But it has to be met. We have to cross train it with our inner development, our emotional development, our healing. All of us carry different kinds of trauma, whether that's big T trauma or little T trauma. And that just means, yeah, it can be the, the stuff we often think about in terms of abuses and physical harms, but it can also be just these small things that happen to us that that actually got emotion stuck in our body. And for us men, it's super important to do that inner work.

And why that's important, I've discovered and working with guys for many years now, is that as men step into doing their inner work, their inner healing, when they don't just focus on the outside, but also focus on that inner world, it starts to change who's attracted to them and who they're attracted to because they are no longer just focused on the surface. When, when men go deeper, we attract deeper partners.

And the thing about personal growth and transformation and healing work is it really does kind of take a. You gotta know it to see it and to appreciate it. So someone who's never done any inner work or healing, they're maybe not going to notice it so much in another person or even value it so much. But a person who has done that work is often going to be deeply appreciative of finding someone else who stepped into that challenging, often vulnerable space where we have to take responsibility for how we are raised and the conditions we were brought up in so that we can become that whole and conscious version of ourselves.

And so as we do our deep inner and emotional and shadow work, we're going to start to attract partners who have done that work as well and who value that work and who are on that growth path and who are looking below the surface. Who, yes, they're going to want a partner who has some stability financially and who feels good in their body. They're also going to want a partner who's available for real connection. In dealing with conflict, in being able to grow with each other.

We get fed this bullshit narrative from Hollywood that the way love works is you fall madly in love and then you get married and you live happily ever after. And I'm here to tell you, certainly from my own life and from the many men I've worked with, that's just not how it works, right? Instead, we meet someone, there's a lot of hormones, there's something that brings us together and then inevitably, right, they have the research around this. Within 12 months to 36 months, the dopamine cliff happens and our attachment wounding starts to come up and reenact itself in that relationship.

And for a lot of people, this will scare, scare them, right? Like, oh my God, I got to get out of this relationship. It's not what I thought it was, but for growth oriented people, they realize, ah, this is where the work actually begins. And this is the gift of relationship is I get to start to work on healing these attachment woundings. And it's through being in relationship, I can grow in ways I would never be able to otherwise. That's all going to be a lot easier to work with a growth oriented partner who's looking just below the surface and not going to freak out the moment there's any conflict or the first time.

They don't feel attracted to their partner, right, because they've been doing that inner work. They're going to understand. It's a process. We're in a process of growing with each other. And so we. One of the quickest ways you can transform the experiences you're having in terms of attracting the wrong partners, but wanting to attract different ones is by doing your inner work. The deeper you go in your process and in yourself, the more you're going to attract people who are doing that same depth work.

And frankly, the more attracted to others you're going to become as well. Right? You're not going to want to just date the shallow people anymore. You're going to want someone who can really show up and be with the full spectrum of you and you with them. So if you've been struggling and feel like you're attracting the wrong kind of partners who are just interested in the surface stuff, this is your call. It's time to go deeper. It's time to do that inner work.

And in the process of you doing that, it will transform your attraction patterns in who you're meeting. You will meet deeper people who are more interested in the real, not just the surface. Until next time, if you're interested in working with me around dating relationships or your masculine presence in the world, just go to evolutionary men. Apply.