All right, so I was on the Libido Lounge podcast talking about something that hits close to home for me and for so many men I work with. Nice guy syndrome. You know, this pattern where we're constantly putting everyone else's needs first, running these covert contracts where we're doing all this stuff for people but never actually asking for what we want, and then drowning in resentment when we don't get it back.
We got into how this starts. Often it comes from attachment wounding as kids, where we learn early on that our authenticity might threaten the relationship with our caregivers. So we start attuning to them instead of them attuning to us. We become these little chameleons, reading the room, trying to keep everyone regulated. That pattern doesn't just go away when we grow up.
The conversation went deep into how this shows up sexually. A lot of nice guys I work with are completely disconnected from their desire and their power. They're so worried about doing sex right, so up in their heads about performance, that they can't relax. And here's the thing, men need to feel safe to have good sex too. We need our nervous systems regulated. If I'm terrified about whether I'm going to stay hard or last long enough, that anxiety takes me right out of my body. Then the shame spiral kicks in, often driving guys deeper into porn, which just makes the whole thing worse.
What really landed for me in this conversation was naming how nice guys create this creepy vibe sometimes, not because they're actually creepy, but because they're so ashamed of their own attraction. They're checking women out from the corner of their eye instead of just making direct eye contact. That indirectness, that lack of trust in their own sexuality, that's what women pick up on and it doesn't feel good.
If any of this is hitting home for you, if you're tired of being wound up with resentment, stuck in your head during sex, or just feeling like everyone else is winning while you're stuck being nice, reach out. Book a call with me. We'll dive in, get real about what's actually going on, and map out where you can start.
