Why Being a Nice Guy Isn’t Helping You | Jason Lange Explains the Truth | Libido Lounge

Jason Lange: We're all born with two needs in there. One is attachment. We also have a need for authenticity.

Host: Jason Lange is a men's embodiment coach, group facilitator and evolutionary guide. He helps men drop in and wake up to deeper clarity in their life's purpose and relationships. He believes every man should be in a men's group for the growth and support opportunities they provide. Jason is a Certified no more Mr. Nice Guy Coach. And he has trained and studied with leaders such as John Wineland, Dr. Robert Glover, John Poe, Roshi Tripp Lanier and.

Jason Lange: Ken Wilbur, who I Where nice guys syndrome comes into play is what happens when those two needs become opposed. I'm constantly putting other people's well being and needs above my own. I'm often drowning in shame, resentment, frustration.

Host: So it seems like it's the masculine version of that.

Jason Lange: Nice guys are very rarely direct. They're just dying. They feel so alone and so terrified of bringing that forward. So it can be, you know, a pretty miserable place for, for a lot of men. Jason Lange: Yeah. So excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

Host: Yeah, it's a pleasure. So I want to know, to start off, because I think, you know, so many people when we say Nice Guy syndrome, you know, I have my thoughts around that. I'm sure everybody has their initial, like, thoughts around what this essentially means, but before we open up to this conversation, let's just make sure we're all on the same page here. So how do you define Nice Guy Syndrome?

Jason Lange: Yeah, so this is a term that my. My friend and mentor, Dr. Robert Glover, popularized in his book no More Mr. Nice Guy. And the simplest way I often describe it is, you know, when we're born, we have two primary needs. We're really unique as humans in that because of how big our brain is, we're actually born, like, literally a whole trimester early compared to most animals. So we particularly come out extremely vulnerable. Right. We cannot take care of ourselves early on. But we're all born with two needs in there. One is attachment. Right. I cannot survive without my primary caregivers staying connected to them as a young infant and then even on into a young child often. But we also have a need for authenticity. Hey, here's what I need. Here's the truth of my body, my feeling right now. I need to express what I need and get what I need. Where Nice Guys syndrome comes into play is what happens when those two needs become opposed. So in order to keep the relationship opposite with my primary caregivers alive, I start to cut off my authenticity. Because if I was to express myself truly or ask for something, it might threaten that relationship. Or perhaps my parent doesn't have the capacity to even give me that. So it's when we shut down our authenticity, often from a young age in where. Often what I've seen is the direction of attunement is reversed from child to parent, rather than parent to child. So as a young boy, I'm reading mom or dad's signals for, ooh, where are they at right now? Who do I need to be? How do I need to behave right now to keep them well regulated? And it starts young, but then it stays with us as we. As we grow. So there's an attachment wounding part of that. And then the other thing I would just say is culturally, then we're in this unique generation as men, where we have basically all of human history to point to examples of what happens when men are exclusively, exclusively identified with their authenticity. This is what I need, this is what I want. Which often means they're connected to their bodies, but not often connected to their hearts. Such men can often cause a lot of damage to women, to children, to environment. And a lot of guys I work with that are so called nice guys grew up around a very volatile or angry or man who did not know how to handle his sexual energy and just was completely cheating and you know, whatever that might be. And so, and then it's gotten even stronger since. Me too, highlighting a lot of that pathology. There are a lot of men who either experienced that type of man firsthand or saw him in the culture and say, I don't want to be that, I don't want to be that guy. And so what they do is they swing to the total other side of the pendulum of I never want to make anyone feel unsafe. I don't want to just go after a woman because I'm sexually attracted to her. I always want other people to feel safe. So it's often those two kind of facets. Some men are just one or the other. Oftentimes they're both create this paradigm. Whereas a grown man, you know, we've all heard the platitude, happy, happy wife, happy life. It's, I'm constantly putting other people's well being and needs above my own. I'm often drowning in shame, resentment, fear, frustration. But I don't bring it forward because I always want to keep the other person happy. It, it can also be another just manifestation of some deep codependency, often of I'm just going to do whatever to keep you happy so you'll keep me around. And what that ends up doing is paradoxically creating some fairly not nice guys who are always trying to put other people first, but then often hold just like a ton of resentment, get angry, get mopey, can be manipulative, which is a big eye opener for a lot of nice guys. This realization, I have all these expectations I'm putting on my wife or my co workers for them to do things for me, but I'm not actually asking for them, I'm just silently doing all this stuff for them and co opting them into an agreement they never made. And then when I don't get my half back, I get to be mad or withdrawn or whatever that might be. And so it shows up in some powerful ways. Um, but two I think we'll probably talk about a lot here. Are often disconnected from sexuality, desire and power and boundaries and the capacity to just state, hey, here's what I want and here's what I'm not okay with.

Jason Lange: 100% yeah. Whether it's my partner's nervous system, I attune to that or just this. Nice guys often have this kind of chameleon like thing. They become whatever they need to be for the moment to kind of keep the peace, so to speak. And they think that's being nice, but it's often actually creates a lot of distrust you start to feel and resentment and intolerance often in partners when they feel like, like what is going on here? But that, that's a perfect way to explain it.

Host: Okay, beautiful. And then I want to talk a little bit about, and you mentioned this a little bit around kind of high level ways that, that somebody could recognize this. So I think there's, you know, they can be, there's like the nice guy syndrome and then there's like a nice quality as a person. Right. And they're not the same thing. Like somebody can be very in their masculine and you know, assert their boundaries and all these things and still be a kind hearted human being. Right. So I want to make sure we're differentiating between these sorts of things for people. And you mentioned like power as one reason and kind of like this lack of, of internalized power for anybody that's listening and, like, thinking around, like, wow, am I responding that way? Am I, you know, do I have this nice guy syndrome thing? Like, what are other, like, characteristics or questions that. That men could be asking themselves to learn, like, if this is if something they're doing?

Jason Lange: Yeah. So Dr. Glover coined this term that I kind of spoke about, which is a huge one that is usually like a, oh, matrix moment for a lot of guys is, yeah, do I. Do I run a lot of COVID contracts in my life? So do I have secret agreements in my mind? And, you know, the accrued version of this that is one of the most basic ones is, you know, I bought you dinner, you're supposed to give me sex back. Dating world that a lot of men run. You know, there's. That's kind of silently running there, but in bigger ways. Yeah, I'm doing all these things for you, giving you compliments, doing favors, because I expect something back, but I've never been vulnerable to ask you for it. So I'm running all these covert contracts that if I'm really honest with myself, I'm expecting something from you back you never agreed to. And that's a big, big one. Conflict avoidance is huge for nice guys. Just being unwilling to bring up conflict in relationships in particular, and oftentimes being unwilling to. To directly and safely address anger. And instead it gets, like, shoved down and comes out as kind of a frustrated resentment. You know, constant issues of self worth are often deep signs of nice guy syndrome that, you know, I have to be liked in order to be a good person. If people don't like me, then, oh, that's a problem. Right. So I need people to like me is a big one. And, you know, what I've often seen is, yeah, just feeling cut off from our sexual power and desire as men and in kind of dissociating from it and thinking it's bad is often. Almost all nice guys have some version of that that they're a little adverse to.

Host: The.

Jason Lange: The part of them that is just attracted to women and likes naked bodies and wants to have sex with them. Like a very human thing that all this shame and layering get. Gets. Gets put over. But yeah, oftentimes it's this feeling of everyone else is winning. Why am I not? I'm trying so hard. I'm such a nice guy. Right? Or nice guys are often the guys that often kind of end up in that space. Dating of women are like, yeah, you're really nice, and I'm just not feeling the chemistry because the truth is nice Guys aren't very connected to themselves and they're not very trustable because they're running all these covert contracts a lot of time and people pick up on that. But then the nice guy's like, well, I'm being nice, like what's going on here? So those are some big things. Nice guys also, I have found, do tend to have even more than most men, heavy ruminating minds just constantly getting in the thought loops of what did that mean when they said that? Like what they, they just overthink things so profoundly most of the time.

Host: Yeah. In many ways it reminds me of what I see as like the female helper syndrome. It's like the masculine version of that. Right. Whereas like the female helper syndrome is that person that's like constantly like over helping and over, like that over nurturing so much that it's at expense of herself. And then there's kind of like you're saying there's that subtle thing that goes in her head around, oh well, I did this and this and this. So there's that, that internal like, well, I should be getting this back and like that should mean I get that back rubber. That should mean I get this vacation and look what I did for you and all of those kind of subtle contracts. And she wears herself out because she's doing this without an actual conversation, without, you know, with. It's all like this subconscious type of thing. If you haven't taken a minute yet to go to Want to want it.com to get your bonuses, almost $250 worth of free bonuses for pre ordering my book. I recommend you do that now. We're going to go through so many reasons and so many solutions to fixing low libido for both men and women. It is action packed with solutions from supplements to diet to lifestyle to lab tests you should talk to your doctor about to physical routines. You can change so many things designed to help support estrogen and testosterone and circulation and erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, so much more. So if you go to want to want it.com you can find that book for pre order. And you can also then take advantage of the almost $250 worth of bonuses I am giving away for pre order that will not be available for long. Now let's get back to our episode. So it seems like it's the masculine version of that.

Jason Lange: Totally. I've heard it. You know, nice guy and good girl.

Host: Right.

Jason Lange: You know, and whether you're a man or woman, it's, it's kind of that energy I'm, I'm giving to get, but I'm not being that. Here's the other way to put it. Nice guys are very rarely direct.

Host: Right?

Jason Lange: They're not direct. They will go all around, but they won't go direct to hey, I'm attracted to you, or hey, what you said yesterday didn't feel good to me, or hey, I'm, I can't do that, I'm not coming to pick you up at the airport. Right. They'll, they'll just, they'll avoid that at all costs. Because sometimes that directness, you know, can lead to that confrontation, which a lot of nice guys are just deeply fearful of. Because if I bring up something confronting, I might lose the relationship. Right. And that's terrifying to nice guys.

Host: So it's, it's pretty obvious to see some, you know, high super, you know, high level impacts on the, you know, the relationship and the human and the nice guy syndrome. Right. So it's like, I think some obvious things are lack of depth in a relationship, you know, clearly not getting one's needs met. Like the harm in the relationship around not being able to be more overt, around needs, around preferences, around desires, around, you know, just healthy communication. But what do you find are like other, say, less obvious things that are, that happen, you know, personally and inter, relationally with the nice guy syndrome. What are the impacts?

Jason Lange: Yeah, I mean, just emotionally often I've kind of alluded to this. A lot of resentment and frustration.

Host: Yeah.

Jason Lange: Like there's like a wound up, like I'm a nice guy, but you can kind of tell I'm wound up. Like there's like a edge to nice guys because they hold a lot of resentment, a lot of frustration there. Why am I not getting what I want? Right. It's kind of the feeling there. And there can be a kind of a subversive victim energy to that, which a lot of nice guys sometimes carry. Often. Yeah. Very inauthentic relationships. Right. Because they're not actually being honest. So they kind of fall into things that aren't really aligned with who they are. And then, you know, know, when I was dealing with this, then, then there's kind of this one foot in, one foot out energy around all kinds of stuff because like, I don't know, do I really want to be here? Well, I don't want to upset them. So I'm neither happy. The people I'm with are neither happy. Like, pretty terrible exhaustion from just no capacity to set boundaries in the family, with kids, with spouses, and absolutely in the workplace. Right. Often working a lot, but not feeling fairly compensated for it, because I just always say, yes, is a nice guy. And I don't even know how to connect to my own inner worth enough to ask for the raise. Yeah. Or say, hey, I want to be fairly compensated for this. So there's like a. Often a financial struggle to it. That's. That's pretty big. Tons of sexual frustration of just not knowing how to express this part of myself, but it's in there. Then it gets pushed into shame and porn addiction. Often huge for a lot of nice guys. And loneliness, you know? You know, that would be the other big one. I think with that, with those inauthentic relationships, is there's so much fear about revealing what I'm actually feeling or thinking that I hold it all in. But then when I'm holding it all in, there's not a whole lot for people to connect to. It's like kind of. Oh, that was. It's like nice guys kind of have like a. I call, you know, American McDonald's energy. Hi, how you doing? Good. How are you doing? Good. It's, like, pleasant. But you don't think about that conversation a day later. Right. We kind of know we're bullshitting each other a little bit. There's like, a little artifice there. And that's how a lot of nice guys will live. And then meanwhile, inside, they're just dying. They're just dying. They feel so alone and so terrified of bringing that forward. So it can be, you know, a pretty miserable place for. For a lot of men.

Host: Do you see a relationship at all with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculate, ejaculation, anything like that with us men?

Host: Yeah, yeah. I can really see the self fulfilling prophecy in that from a standpoint of, you know, just females. Like a huge thing that I find in females I work with that allows for such great connection, especially sexually, is the ability to feel safe. And you know, and females are so innately good with their intuition and sensing that. So if a man is not authentically showing up and he's not authentic in itself and his masculinity, like the, the ability for females to feel that even subconsciously and impact their ability to feel safe and therefore their ability to feel like they can show up in, you know, in their femininity. It's like this real vicious cycle that happens.

Jason Lange: So true. Because it's, you know, obviously I'm not a woman, but like, if I don't trust my sexuality as a man, how are you going to trust it? If I think it's dirty, If I. And I'm like, you know, and this is, this creates, you know, creepy nice guy syndrome sometimes. Like, I'm so ashamed of the fact I'm attracted at this woman, to this woman, that instead of just making eye contact with her, there's kind of the. I'm peeking out of the corner of my eye. Like I'm checking her out, but I don't want her to know I'm checking her out. And that's often a lot less comfortable.

Host: Oh, yeah.

Host: Right?

Jason Lange: Right. If sex is available to me, I'm. Guys. Guys just always go for it. We're horn dogs, so I gotta go for it. And so a lot of nice guys I work with end up getting into sexual situations they don't actually want to be in. They completely ignore the signs in their body and then they wonder why they have performance issues versus that. No, it's okay. Just because sex is available to you from a woman doesn't mean you have to want. It does make you less of a man. And that is like a massive reboot to a lot of guys. And they're like, wait, I don't have to always be thinking about that. And it's like, no, you could take that pressure off. And they're like, oh, okay, great. Such a relief to so many guys.

Host: Yeah, it's so well said. And I just breaking down the stories that I think so many people had in their head around just what we've been told. Right. Like you said, like what we've been told and taught in porn, we've been taught in society around what sex should be like or the. The turn on should be like for the masculine. So much more. And I want to invite everybody to part two of this conversation, which you'll find in the show notes below. How to access. And in part two, we're going to talk about how to repair from this. We're going to talk about what to do. We're going to talk about how to actually engage more with your emotional health and, you know, the healthy expression of emotions and in the masculine. And before we do that, I want to make sure that, you know that Jason has discovery calls that he can do for people and they're totally free that people that are interested in working with him. So can you tell us a little bit about those? And we'll include that link for everybody on how to get a free discovery call with Jason in the show notes.

Jason Lange: Yeah, what happens is you can book a call with me. We'll dive in for about an hour and just kind of get to know you honestly, what's going on? What's your truth? Where do you feel stuck? Particularly a lot of guys I work with, it is around sex, dating and relationships or marriage. And we're going to find out what's not working and we're going to get you clear about. Okay, what would those next steps be? They might be with me. They might not be with me, but you're going to have a roadmap right of. Okay, here's where I can start. Here's where I can move. And if nothing else, I'm just going to hear your story. I've heard hundreds and just the feeling of knowing men aren't alone. Like, oh, I'm not the first one that's had this problem and I can talk about it. Sometimes that alone changes a guy's life. So, you know, take. Take the risk and reach out if this is a place you feel really stuck.

Host: Thank you. And thank you for that amazing offering for everybody. I hope everybody takes advantage of that. I think there's so much to be said about normalizing the conversation and just like making it less taboo. And, you know, the first amazing step is having a convers and getting help and support. So I hope you all will take advantage of that With Jason, please do sign up for part two in the show notes below as well, and we'll see you all on another episode of the Lounge. Ciao for now. Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge. Please don't keep me a secret. Please share this with your friends. You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with [email protected].