What Does It Mean to be a Man? (Part 5b) | A Step Ahead Tutoring Services

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Sam. Well, hello, hello to all. It's your girl, Gabrielle. Welcome to a brand new episode of Hot Topics. Let me tell you what this show is about. So this is the show where we like to have real talk about real things, as I like to say in Trinity Talk. So as we are a part of my tutoring company, Step Ahead Tutoring services. Our objective is for you to learn something. We want you to gain knowledge. We want you to increase your perspective. We want you to expand your awareness. So that's what we like to do here on Hot Topics. So call this your educational type of programming. And I am looking forward to today. So not only do I have a repeat topic, but I have a repeat guest. So let me tell you what the topic is for today. So the topic today is what does it mean to be a man? So this is the fifth time, no, this is the sixth time that I've done this topic. But as you may see on the screen, it says 5B because it's an extension of part 5A, which is with the guest that I'm going to tell you about. So the numbers can be confusing. But just think of it as this is the sixth time that we've done this topic, second time with this particular guest. So make sure you guys check out the previous installments of this topic in our catalog. But yes, what does it mean to be a man? We are going to be talking about manhood today and what that looks like and what that means. And we are actually, we're bringing that back. Right. So whenever I have an opportunity to bring back a topic but look at it from different perspectives, I am all in for that. So my guest who is here for the second time, his name is Jason Lange. And. And I am going to just tell you about who he is. So who is Jason Lang? Well, let me tell you. So Jason is a men's embodiment coach, group facilitator and evolutionary guide who helps men drop in and wake up to deeper clarity in their life's purpose and relationships. He believes every man should be in a men's group for the growth and support of opportunities they provide. A Certified no more Mr. Nice Guy Coach. Jason has trained and studied with leaders such as John Weiland, Dr. Robert Glover, Jun Po Rasche, Trip Lanier, and Ken Wilbur. Many men are struggling right now as the old paradigms of what a man is supposed to be are no longer relevant or even appropriate. Men's work is where Jason and his team discover healthier ways to be in the world and shed the old lone Wolf mentality. Jason began his men's work journey in his 20s after suffering from years of loneliness, discomfort in his body, and a deep struggle to create romantic relationships. Of all the work he's done over the last 20 years, men's groups have been the most impactful in changing the quality of his life day to day. It's now part of his mission for every man to be in a men's group so they can feel healthier in their expression in the world, create more vital intimate partnerships, and be of service to their families and communities. Fabulous. All right, so without further ado, I'm going to bring Jason to the stage. Hello, Jason. How's it going?

Jason Lange: Doing great. So good to be back.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Thank you for coming back. I appreciate it. Welcome back to the hot seats. So, yeah, so we brought up a lot of topics last time about manhood and the perception and society's perception about manhood. So I guess I wanted to explore that a little bit more the second time around. So I'm wondering, Is there a crisis? Would you. Would you consider it a crisis for what's happening to men?

Jason Lange: Yeah, you know, I definitely would say so. You know, there's hardly a week that goes by these days that there's not some article in a mainstream publication talking about the boy crisis, the male crisis, the loneliness crisis, the suicide crisis. It's a real thing, right? Men account for 80% of suicides in the US and it's three and a half to four times more likely for men to commit suicide than women. In most developed nations, women are earning nearly 60% of all Bachelor's degrees, and men have fewer friends than previous generations. Right. In 1990, it was 3% of men said they had no close friends. In last research I saw was about two years ago. It was up to 15%. And so something is going on, right? And a lot of it can be connected to just cultural shifts as well. We're in the midst of a massive rewiring of just how our economics and jobs and industries work. A lot of men, not always, but often had kind of more traditional manual labor jobs, and those have been evaporating. And then those turned into, you know, a certain type of sometimes white collar job. And even those are evaporating now with AI and there's just like a lot of instability for how to be a man in the world. And then we couple that with just changing social dynamics. Right? More and more is happening online. There's less community and structure. Church attendance is down. There's. There's a lot of things that are kind of playing together, that a lot of men don't really have a sense of where do I belong in this society and how do I connect and create meaning and take care of my family, my community, etc. So I would definitely say it's a crisis. And it's a crisis that in a vacuum of healthy voices, we've seen a whole kind of cottage industry spring up online of the kind of Andrew Tates of the world who are preaching this kind of return to a certain type of simplicity, red pill manosphere of culture that while I don't really agree with any of it, it's trying to speak to men in pain. And there are definitely men in pain. And so I think that's part of the crisis right now. A lot of men have a sense something isn't working in their life. They don't know how to identify it and they don't actually know what to do about it.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): So a lot of the things you mentioned, I mean, I would argue can go for men and women. So you're talking about the loss of jobs to AI, right? Or loneliness, right. Not having enough person to person connection. So could you explain why it is such a. A big deal for men? You know, I'm just wondering, like, why is it? Why? I mean, for lack of a better way to explain it. But, you know, you know, why men, right. I could argue that goes men and women.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Yeah, yeah. And you know, and one of the things I, we brought up in the last conversation we had was as you're discussing the, the availability of connectivity, you know, one of the things I mentioned last time was my thought was again the fear of homosexuality. Right. Of showing affection to another man, hugging another man. I do find that's been improving over time, but there's still that fear of I don't want to be perceived as gay. Right. Or I don't want the other guy to think I'm gay, or there's that fear of homosexuality so, of appearing too girly appealing, appearing too feminine, things like that. So I mean, do you have you come across that in, in the work that, that you've done in terms of addressing the need to create relationships between, for men to create relationships between each other. Have you come across those fears?

Jason Lange: Yeah, the men that tend to self select and work with me don't necessarily hold some of those views, but what they do hold is I've been raised in a culture where it's, that's just not done right. Men don't hug. Men don't embrace, men don't support each other. Because many men do have that deeper bias and fear against homosexuality. Right. So one of the most transformative things, men that I often work with, particularly in person when we do group work experiences. Yeah. What it means to just be held by another man, to be hugged, to be embraced, to be supported. And for a lot of guys, they don't even realize how desperate their nervous system is for that. Again, because of this still pervasive bias and fear for a certain subset of men against homosexuality. There's this feeling, yeah, I can't touch other men at all. And what that does for a lot of these men is it then forces all their touch needs to be routed through connections with women. And so it puts a lot of pressure. And it's why some men, not all men, but it's why some men get so sex obsessed. It's not even just about sex. It's that that's the only place they're getting any touch in their lives. I'm just talking basic touch. And that is a human need for our nervous systems. So one of the most transformative things I see is when a man actually learns to hug another man. And I'm not talking about the bro hug, right. Where I just kind of lean in. We. We pat each other's backs, but we like, keep as much space. I mean, full on. I am grabbing you belly to belly, chest to chest. We're taking a deep breath, and we're holding on for 30 seconds. And that whole hormonal profile shifts. And when the, the great thing is what I've witnessed, when men start to get that kind of connection, it totally rewires their nervous system just to know that it's available, even if they're not getting it every day. And that is one of the most strong biases that still goes through a lot of default masculine culture right now, along with, you know, I'll just name. The other probably big one I see is that therapy is just for broken people and that we shouldn't go to therapy as men because therapy just means there's something wrong with you. So many men still carry that. And so there's a huge stigma against mental health support. And, you know, I can't remember if I said this last time or not, but I usually come back to those guys and I'm like, well, tell me, do you only go to the gym when you're injured? And they're like, no, I go to the gym to get strong. Right, Same thing. Therapy is going to the gym. But for your mind and for your emotional body, it's not just because you're broken, it's how you develop more capacity and become stronger.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Absolutely, absolutely. So now do you. And I mean, I think all of those, you know, issues that men are facing, I think it's kind of bringing it into youth. Like it does start in childhood. Like, I don't think it starts, you know, when you're 30, when a man is 30. Right. I think it, if anything it gets worse when it's 30, but I think it starts young. So what, what are your thoughts on that?

Jason Lange: Yeah, definitely. You know, it is thankfully changing, but. And it's going to be different in different cultures around the world. But you know, the, the so called man box, this pressurized expectation, set of expectations men are expected to conform to in order to be a man. It does start as, as young kids and we, you know, I could still see it sometimes parenting or witnessing other people parent how they parent a boy different than a girl. So boy hurts down or falls down or gets hurt or gets his feelings hurt. There's kind of a certain, oh, you're okay, be tough, get back up, you're gonna be fine. Just get back out there, right? Ignore whatever it is you're feeling and just go. And that starts to teach us a pretty potent lesson from a young age. Along with one of the other things that I've seen massively impact men, and this does start as young boys, is they've never been around a older male when they're young kids. That shows and demonstrates and embodies access to their hearts and emotions and feelings. And so if we've never had that modeled, we don't even know how to become it. Right. And so for a lot of boys, you know, they have more stoic fathers or distant fathers, not all, but many. And never get to see, you know, what does it look like when a man cries. And so if I don't see dad or uncle or cousins ever being emotional, what I learn is don't ever be emotional. Right? You got to hide that stuff. You got to batten down the hatches. You always got to be tough. And that's a message so many young boys internalize from a very young, young age. And then it just gets more intense as we age. Right? Because then it start then the reasoning for kind of hiding that becomes to protect ourselves from our peers. Like I was talking about that many men I work with have been heavily bullied or ostracized by other boys and men because they were Emotional or look different or their body developed at a different time, or they just had really bad luck, you know, in a sense. And what that does is, again, is it teaches boys to keep everything inside and always look tough and like, you have it together on the outside. And turns out when you learn that at a young age, takes some real effort to learn to unwind that as an adult. And we have to really spend time being around other men in particular, that show more emotional fluidity and range. And that's. You know, I often say one of the greatest gifts a father or older men can give to young boys is to show them what healthy emotional expression looks like.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Right.

Jason Lange: There's a difference between lashing out in anger and being aggressive and being able to hold your anger, not dissociate from it, and show that, hey, I can be really angry, but I could still be really safe to be around. And those two things are not mutually exclusive. And that's transformative for so many young boys where they're taught or modeled for them. All it is is that explosive rage or. Or the shove it down inside and pretend like you're never mad about anything, which catches up to those guys as well.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Right, Right. And, you know, and it goes into being. Getting those male. Male role models. Right. And that's always a big push when it comes to. I mean, that's one of the things that I see in terms of with parents and raising boys is male. Male role models. Male role models and getting them into, like, extracurricular activities where there are those role models. And that's how they end up being put into sports, for example, or things like. Or karate or some kind of. Or jiu jitsu. Right. So it's always about male role models. And especially with single moms. And that's one of the. The struggles that I tend to see with single moms is, okay, especially if they have boys, is I need a male role model. I need a male role model. Let me put them into sports. Let me make sure they know how to fight. Right. And. And so I could see that as being systemic in that. When you have a single mom with a boy, you know, do you. I mean, I mean, finding those male role. Finding those role models or also just. There's also boys that are raised around so many women that maybe they don't know what manliness looks like. Right. And so they may pick up more feminine qualities because there's not a lot of presence. Male presence in their lives. So.

Jason Lange: Yeah.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): So now what do you say to that? Where it's it can be the family structure, it can be systemic, it can be. It's the. It's what. How the boy grows up in terms of environment.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Absolutely. Absolutely. And definitely with the, with the, with the right things in place, you know, it is. It can be achieved, I think. But I think there's also, I mean, in terms of the family structure, but it's also just our society in general and how men are perceived. I was just kind of thinking the other day, like, it's. When it comes, like for. I don't know if they still do this, I probably should double check it. But in terms of, like, applying for a federal student loan, young men, I think between 18 and 25, have to register for the select service, right. In order to get a federal student loan. So you pretty much have to register for the draft, right. And be ready to go to war. You know, if you, if you want a federal student loan, if you want to go to a certain school, but you. Your family can't afford to pay the tuition, well, you know, we'll. The government can give you money to pay for school, but you have to register for the draft, right? So it's kind of like there's an expectation for. Boy, there's an expectation from ours, from the government, right. Which then trickles down into society to perform, to be ready, ready to fight, you know, And I know, you know, people keep saying, okay, but the draft is Unlikely. Da, da, da. But, you know, but it's. Well, you never know in this case, right, with what's going on. But it's still the idea of you have to enlist, you know, in the military. Well, let me rephrase that. But you have to be ready should you. Should there be a draft and should you be called to war. You know, you have to register for select service in order for you to get a student loan so you could afford to go to college. Right. And so it's sort of like you're. You're making, I don't know, it's not necessarily, I mean, lower income, but you're making lower. And so who are the type of people that are likely to get. Who. Likely to take out student loans? Right. People of, like, lower income. Right. So even that, you know, is also kind of, kind of the quiet part in terms of the expectation for. For boys to perform and to be ready to fight and in order to get certain privileges. Right. You have to do certain things as a young man.

Jason Lange: Yeah, they're right. This ties into, again, some of those kind of cultural, societal things you were talking about that it's something like. It's almost like, I think 90% in the US of workplace deaths tend to be men. And what that points to is a lot of the more physically dangerous jobs have traditionally been occupied by men. And part of what that ties into, I would argue, kind of goes into some deep biology in a sense. But for a long time, in a lot of ways, male bodies have been considered more disposable. So we'd send men off to war, we'd send men off to do the toxic jobs to work in the coal mines. And part of the reason for that is just honestly very functional in a sense that if, you know, one man can create many babies. Right. So if there's a huge population crisis, it's actually women that are the more precious biology, in a sense, because they can only carry, you know, one, maybe two, three babies at a time. But men, right. You can be fathering many children at once. And that's had a lot of downstream effects, you know, go. Coming from war. Back in the day of, you know, something In World War II, it was right. Crazy how many men died in that war and what it did to populations afterwards. But populations can recover a lot faster, right. When it's male deaths predominantly over female deaths. So that all kind of just adds up to. Yes. You know, again, part of this man box culture has been, unfortunately, and it is changing now that male bodies are often Considered a little bit more disposable. And so men internalize that, that it's okay for me to work hard to hurt myself, to take dangerous jobs. It's, it's part of what we absorb. We need to do as. And it'll often hurt us in a sense. And then, yeah, you know, whether it's the draft, you know, which is open to both sides now, but there is some, some difference in that. That again, we're just trying to sort out as a culture right now. I'm not saying men have it harder than women necessarily. It's just different challenges in this sense and learning that. Okay, yeah, these dangerous jobs that a lot of men have traditionally occupied, even part of what I'm talking about is they're kind of going away. It gets more and more automated or new different protocols come in. Coal mines are shutting down. Right. So the type of work becoming available is changing and that requires additional training for men who have to be ready, willing and able to learn that and pivot. Not all men can make that change, but the ones that can, you know, can then step into these new industries in a sense, these more service related industries. Industries.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Right. And all of that, you know, trickles down and again, it starts young, right. And then they grow up with that. And you know, so it's all, it's, it's biology, but it's also sociology as well and it's also psychology and it's all these things that kind of come together. And I think as, as we become more industrialized. Right. That also changes what that means for men. Right. And also, and now we're probably in the past five years, as we become more digitized and, and then AI is exploding. Right. And as you were saying, you know, there's not that many cold jobs and things are transitioning and it's like men were expected to do those hard, dangerous jobs, right. But then those hard dangerous jobs are going away and it's like now men have to be re educated into that. And that could also throw, throw them off. Right. Definitely throw off their equilibrium as well. So I want to also, I want to make sure I get this in, you know, before you go. So in our previous video there was a comment that was left on YouTube and I wanted to get your take on that. So the comment is rejection is what we fear. I have been shunned by my social group more than once. What, what is your take on that?

Jason Lange: Rejection is incredibly painful. You know, I think that again, this is kind of the paradox of what we try to protect ourselves against as men. So we do hold everything in inside because, you know, if I don't reveal anything, I can't be rejected because it is really painful. Right? We are social creatures. We need community and connection to self regulate, to co regulate to be healthy. And so being ostracized is very painful. Very, very painful. And it's why shame and ostracization are one of the primary tools in different cultures and communities for, you know, managing connection. Because if you're, you know, kicked out of the pack, so to speak, it has real cost, real cost, you know, back in the day, but even now. So I'm not sure exactly what the context of this person's question is, but that, yes, rejection is a really painful and real thing. And learning to find community that fully embraces and accepts us is one of the greatest journeys we can go on. And it's not without risk because the very essence of vulnerability is I have to put myself out there before I know how it'll be received. And the brutal truth that is hard is not everyone is going to be interested or have the capacity to fully receive us in our vulnerabilities and eccentricities and whatnot. Now the challenge is to not make that mean there's something wrong with us. It's just this isn't a good fit, you know, whoever's rejecting me or whatever. And I need, I need to go find my people, so to speak, find my community, find my tribe of people who do want to fully accept me. So I, I don't think it's a small thing and I really want to reiterate that, yeah, it is really painful. So I understand that part of thing because we do need that connection. And even the small versions of that we can sometimes experience as boys and teenagers creates so many of these protective layers. And so many men I work with well into adulthood because they remember how painful it was to be rejected or bullied or ostracized. So they want to do whatever it takes to not experience that, either by becoming kind of the armored up lone wolf or becoming kind of the more chameleon nice guy and just, you know, going along with what other people want. But ultimately those, neither of those work. And what we're really looking for is this healthier middle ground of healthy connection that, yeah, I won't lie, you know, it, it takes risk to find it, but it's worth it.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Absolutely. Absolutely. All right, I'm going to start to wind things down. All right, so you know, as you know from last time, I have my guest give Words of wisdom. So, Jason, do you have any final words of wisdom you'd like to share?

Jason Lange: Yeah. What I would say, again is find your people. It's okay to reach out and get help as a man, and frankly, we need it. And we can support each other in some pretty unique ways. The gift of getting into community with other men is just the shared reality a lot of us have experienced about these different cultural and societal pressures and the understanding that can come from, you know, what it's like because you've been there. And when we can cross that really vulnerable threshold and really get to a place of honesty and emotional connection and truth, it's such a relief for so many guys. And what it does is it downshifts our nervous systems, helps us get into that rest and digest and relax, where, frankly, we can then come forward in life with even more power and choice about the things we actually want to create. So just know if you're a man out there struggling, you know there's nothing wrong with you, you're not broken. Likely all you need is more connection in your life, and it's worth finding. It's not the easiest thing always, but more and more than ever, there are safe places for men to connect with each other and get support and be able to drop the tough guy machismo act and just be human beings. And I can tell you, it's completely transformed my life more than anything else.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Fabulous. Fabulous. All right, well, Jason, thank you so much for coming back on Hot Topics and. And. And diving into this topic once again. So let me just make sure. Let's get your promo. All right, so you. You're pretty much all over the place. So, you guys, information is on the screen right now. If you're watching on video, of course, if you're listening on a podcast, the links are in the description. But you have a website. It is evolutionary.men. you're also on Facebook as Evolutionary Men's work. You are on Instagram, Threads, YouTube and TikTok, all with the same account name, Evolutionary Men. And then you're also on X as Men Evolutionary. So all those are all your socials. Those are all of your website? Well, the one website that you have. Could you tell us briefly the type of work that you do and tell us about your business?

Jason Lange: Yeah, yeah. Primarily, I'm a men's coach and group facilitator. So I work with men one on one around relationships, purpose, work, health, you name it. And the thing that I'm probably most passionate about is getting men into men's groups and, and getting men connected to community and support. So I run a lot of different programs, all different kinds, in person, groups, retreats. I have a virtual program for men that just want to experience the power of a men's group. That's a 12 week journey. That's pretty low cost. So lots of different ways to check all of that out up at Evolutionary Men.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Fabulous. Fabulous. And is this like virtual in person? What's, what's the. That up?

Jason Lange: Yeah, I would say probably about 85% of my work is virtual, so you can tune in and experience it from anywhere. And then I do a couple retreats a year as well for guys that really want to gather in person.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): In person. And where?

Jason Lange: Usually northern California. I'll be doing one in Texas next year. Yeah, a little bit in Colorado here. So you kind of just have to check out where we've, where we've booked. And then if you're wanting to start something local, I have a program for that as well. If you're like, okay, you know, I want to start a men's group that I can meet with guys in my community, I can give you the structure to do that.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): All right, fabulous. There you go. So, you know, you could learn how to do all of that on Jason's website, Evolutionary Men. You also have a free explanation, exploratory call. Tell us about that.

Jason Lange: Yeah, if you just want to chat, get a sense of what might be possible for you, how I might be able to help, or what some of the resources out there for you are, you can book a free exploratory call from me and we'll, we'll hop on the phone for about an hour and just talk about what's going on in your life and where you want to go. And then I can kind of give you a little bit of guidance of what might be the best ways for you to get there, whether that's with me or elsewhere.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Fabulous. And the website for that is Evolutionary Men Slash Talk. So I just wanted to make sure we say that. And you have a podcast called Evolutionary Men. Tell us, tell us about that.

Jason Lange: Yeah, so I have a podcast where I talk about all this stuff pretty much non stop shadow work, men's groups, masculinity, embodiment, relationships. So you can tune into that from any major podcast platform. I'm on YouTube as well and, you know, tend to put out maybe two or three episodes a month. So if you just kind of like my vibe, what I'm up to, it's a great gateway into men's Work and this. This. This whole world that we've been talking about.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Awesome, awesome. And you guys can listen and subscribe wherever you get your podcast. It is called Evolutionary Men, so make sure you check that out. Is there anything else you want to promote

Jason Lange: that. That'll do it. It's been so great being here with you again. Thanks for creating a platform that I can get the word out so men, Men know they don't have to suffer alone.

Host (A Step Ahead Tutoring Services): Beautiful. Beautiful. All right, well, Jason, thank you again for coming on the show, and I will. I will now let you go.

Jason Lange: Been a pleasure. Thank you.