I sat down with the Elsplend Realities podcast to talk about something that's been at the core of my work for two decades: why so many men are walking around disconnected from themselves, and what actually changes that.
We covered a lot of ground. The cultural programming that teaches boys from a young age to override their bodies with their minds. Why being present with our emotions doesn't make us weak, it actually makes us more effective leaders. The neuroscience of why staying in your head cuts you off from 80% of available information in any moment. How unprocessed emotions literally drain our energy and keep us exhausted. And why the myth of the lone wolf is killing men faster.
But here's what really matters: I talked about men's groups. Not as some touchy-feely nice-to-have, but as one of the fastest ways I've seen men transform every area of their lives. When you're in a room with other men who know what you're struggling with and what you're committed to, everything shifts. You stop carrying the weight alone. You get called forward, not from shame, but from love. You realize everyone's struggling, even the guys you think have it all figured out.
The truth is, presence is the greatest gift we can give as men. To our partners, our families, ourselves. And we can't be present if we're not in our bodies, not connected to what we're actually feeling. This work isn't about being more sensitive. It's about being more alive.
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Host (Elsplend Realities): Today on Earth's themed Realities, we are diving into a conversation that every man and everyone who loves a man needs to hear. We are unpacking emotional intelligence, self awareness, connection, and what it truly means to show up with clarity and presence in modern relationships. If you've ever wondered why so many men feel disconnected from themselves, from purpose, or from honest emotional expression, today's episode is for you. Our guest is Jason Lounge, a men's embodiment. A men's embodiment coach, group facilitator, and certified. No more Mr. Nines guy coach. For nearly two decades, Jason has helped men break out of emotional numbness, reconnect with their authentic power, and build healthier relationships through presence, truth, and embodied awareness. He's trained under some of the top voices in men's work and believes that every man deserves the space to grow, be supported, and evolve into a healthier expression of masculinity. Jason, welcome to Earthsplained Realities.
Jason Lange: Excited to be here. Thank you so much for having me.
Host (Elsplend Realities): You're welcome. Jason, you work deeply with men who feel disconnected emotionally. From your experience, what's the biggest emotional block men quietly carry but rarely admit out loud?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I would say it's really this meta idea that emotions in themselves are weakness and that as men, if we express emotion, if we have grief or sadness or shame, that's a sign of weakness. And so we hold these things inside or try to posture or disconnect from them. And that has massive downstream implications for our health and well being and relationships. And so many of us men are raised in this culture where we're taught to be a man means to be invulnerable. Right. It means not to feel. It means to be tough and resilient. And while those are certainly great attributes that, you know, there's a time and place for, the truth is that kind of disposition ends up hurting us men long term because then we get isolated, we disconnect from ourselves, we disconnect from others. And when we have uncomfortable feelings inside of us that we don't know how to share or express, one of the only ways we can deal with them, often as men, is by turning to substances. Alcohol, weed, porn, masturbation, sex, overworking, and these things ultimately don't actually support us long term.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Men are really going through a lot because growing up like, okay, let me say men grow up like young boys will tell them, men don't cry, men don't do these men don't do that. Like, it doesn't actually help them in any way.
Jason Lange: Exactly. And it starts often from a pretty young age, kind of universally across the world. You know, there's obviously some difference in different cultures, but oftentimes boys are treated differently than girls. And, you know, it's not that it's easier for one than the other, but in particular for boys. We're taught from a young age to be tough and essentially to override whatever's happening in our bodies with our minds. Get up, you're fine. Stop crying. Be tough. Sit still. These are messages boys receive from a very young age that. That impact everything we're talking about. Because then we become adolescents and eventually adults, and we just don't have the training needed for how to process our emotions in a healthy way.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Yeah, you often talk about embodiment. How does being more in your body actually improve emotional intelligence and communication in relationships?
Jason Lange: So, great question. It relates exactly to the things we were just talking about in the. In the work I do like to think of. Really, every emotion starts as a physical sensation in the body, right? Our belly gets nauseous or our shoulders get tight. And so there's this chain of events that, again, if we're taught and raised in a way where we're disconnected from our bodies, lo and behold, we're disconnected from our emotions and heart. Because if we can't even be in our bodies, it's really hard to connect to the emotional part that comes after that. And emotions are really just a reaction to our environment. Environment that is supposed to help us in some way create some kind of choice or action. So if we're not in our bodies and we're not feeling our emotions, lo and behold, we're often kind of dissociated or posturing. And that can cause a lot of struggle in relationships. Because a lot of men will have all this stuff happening inside of them, but they don't know how to communicate it, how to express it. And so it'll come out sometimes as just reactivity. Big outbursts of anger or total shutdown and going quiet and disappearing into shame. Instead of being able to communicate our inner world to our romantic partners, to our family, to our friends, which really lets them in. And, lo and behold, is actually the pathway to connection. So if we aren't connected to our bodies and our emotions, it's really hard for others to connect to us and for us to feel connected to them. And that then contributes to these strong feelings of isolation and loneliness that so many men are battling these days.
Host (Elsplend Realities): That's so true. Because if you don't know how to, like, manage or control or should I say, contain what's going on inside you. You won't actually be able to communicate to your partner or someone that is close to you. So because they've not been taught right from time, it actually causes a lot of problems in relationships. Yes. And most of the ones, like, I think the. Should I say the one I've seen is men walking away from maybe heated argument or like that. They just. They just walk away because they can't even express themselves or contain their emotions. Yeah.
Jason Lange: Yes. Yeah. It becomes, right, communication becomes this real challenge for so many men, as is just the overwhelm of not really knowing what to do with their feelings. And again, some guys will say, oh, a guy who's sensitive or has feelings, right? He's just weak. And often how I push back is, well, tell me, who's more afraid? The man who is totally avoidant and afraid of his emotions, or the man that just knows how to handle them and be present with them. Who can say, yeah, I'm feeling scared right now, or I'm feeling angry right now, or I'm feeling sad right now. And the truth is, it's the guys who often avoid and label and judge emotionality are the ones that are often the most afraid of actually going there.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Yeah, that's so true. Many men were raised to suppress emotions. How can a man start reconnecting with his feelings without feeling weak or overwhelmed?
Jason Lange: Yeah, it starts with that mindset shift that we're talking about here, which is the realization that having emotions doesn't make us weak. Actually, being in contact with our emotions and our bodies makes us more effective. So often what I tell guys is even just from a purely performance point of view, right? Meaning I want to be effective in the world, be a leader in my family, in my work, in my communicating the way our bodies are wired, right, we have this bundle of nerves that go down the center of our body. It's called the vagal nerve. It kind of connects our brain to the rest of our body. And the interesting thing about that bundle of nerves is we can consider it the superhighway, right? That connects our body and brain. And there's two lanes, right? There's one lane that's from body to brain, and there's one lane that's from brain to body. And guess what? Only 20%. 20% of that superhighway is from brain to body, which means 80% of the information flow is from our body to our brain. So if we're not in our bodies, including being connected to our emotions, we are not accessing 80% of the available information to us in any given moment, which, lo and behold, means we can't be as effective leaders. So the more we get into our bodies and in our emotions, the more information we are actually getting in the moment to help us make wise and informed decisions. So this whole idea of learning to express our emotions, getting in touch with our emotions, becoming emotionally intelligent, it actually leads to us getting more success. We have better sex, we make more money, people trust us more, we can lead in terms of relationship. So there's incredible benefit to it just at that level, let alone the health benefits that accrue for us as men when we learn to not carry this stuff forward. I work with hundreds of men and I can tell you one of the big issues for so many guys, particularly once we hit middle age, is energy. I just feel tired all the time. I'm exhausted. There's too much to do. And there's a direct correlation between how much we're repressing and not feeling our emotions and how exhausted or sick we get in that. If you imagine what it takes to not feel an emotion. So let's take like a five year old kid as an example, and maybe he's crying and his dad comes up to him and says, stop crying, you're fine. How the boy does that is he actually tightens up his body and holds his breath, right? You hold the tears in. And it turns out if you even just want to do an experiment, you're listening right now. If I'm like, okay, right now, tense up all the muscles in your body, right? Tense up your biceps, your abs, your shoulders, your legs. And now hold that for five minutes, ten minutes, an hour. It actually takes a tremendous amount of energy to contract our bodies like that and hold these things. So the more this emotional content is being held in us, the more using our available vitality and energy just to keep it stuck. So as we learn to express and metabolize and process our emotions, it frees up so much life force and energy for us. We can then bring to the things we care about the most.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Wow. In your work with men's groups, what changes the fastest? Emotional awareness, confidence, communication, or their sense of purpose?
Jason Lange: Yeah. I would say one of the great gifts of men's group is getting men more connected to their bodies, including their emotions on this theme. And this amazing thing that happens time after time in men's group, where men slow down, get actually connected to what they're feeling inside, learn to take that feeling and express it in Communication. So literally bring it out of the inside and bring it to the outside and have it be well received by other men. It totally transforms their nervous systems, relaxes them, opens them, frees up that energy I was talking about, and then often leads to much deeper connection with other guys and starts to rewrite the story. Because once we express the hard things that are going on inside, or even sometimes the good things, just expressing celebrations, and we see it connect with other men, it also rewrites the story that I'm alone or I'm uniquely broken or something's wrong with me and other guys have it figured out. And the thing that happens in men's groups is we realize, wow, everybody's struggling. Even the guys who I think have the perfect life, they have challenges too. And by actually sharing these challenges with each other, we get very deeply connected. And when that happens, it does build a certain type of relaxation and, yes. Confidence in men that, oh, wow, I don't have to be afraid of these things. And now I have a place to bring my full self forward so I don't have to carry this stuff through my life. And if I get hit with a challenge, I. I have a place to work with it now in the group.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Yeah. And it also helps them to connect with each other.
Jason Lange: Exactly.
Host (Elsplend Realities): From your perspective, what does a healthy masculine presence look like in everyday life, especially in relationships?
Jason Lange: Yeah, healthy masculine presence. It's a great. That's a great frame right there. It really just starts with presence. It's the capacity to really be here in the moment. For so many of us guys, we default to just living up in our heads, in our thoughts, ruminating about past mistakes or things we want to do different or things we're worried about in the future. And oftentimes we're not actually here in the moment. So getting present is one of the great skills and capacities that makes us really outstanding in some ways as a man, that people remember. The experience of being with present men and the specifics of that, how I often break it down are it's kind of three different components. It starts with being grounded and relaxed in our bodies. So actually feeling our bodies moment to moment, feeling our feet on the earth, feeling our breath go all the way down into our bellies, not holding any physical tension that we don't need to be holding. And then once we're grounded in our physical presence, it also means then we have the capacity to be open in our hearts. So we're open to emotionally express and receive and attune to other people. We can Feel ourselves. We can feel the people we're around. We're not postured up and closed, dissociating or trying not to feel. We're actually connected and making ourselves available to connection with others. And then from there, we add the third layer of we can bring the mind back online, but as a healthy awareness, so not so much just rumination and thoughts, but the capacity to use our awareness and consciously be able to put it on what we want. Meaning we can focus on what we want to focus on in the moment without getting distracted by thoughts, ruminations, sucked into social media, you name it. And when we have that capacity to focus and we're grounded in our bodies and open in our hearts, suddenly we have this real gift to know, where can I put my attention right now that is gonna lead to the most depth in the moment? What is the most important thing for me to be paying attention to right now? And when all three of those things come online as men, it creates this incredible, grounded, trustable, powerful, and attuned masculine presence that most people in the world, when they are around it, find it electrifying and relaxing.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Yeah. Wow. You speak a lot about men stepping out of the lone wolf mindset. How does community or support actually improve a man's emotional maturity?
Jason Lange: Such a great question. Yeah. So many guys fall for this myth of the lone wolf, or here in the States, where I'm at, the myth of what we call the Marlboro man, The rugged cowboy who doesn't need anybody, as tough as nails and just does it all by himself. Right. There's this kind of romantic ideal, and many men I work with actually carry that as a badge of honor. I don't need anybody. I can do everything myself. And the challenge with that, the way, you know, that is often quite confrontational to men that I come back with is, I don't care who you are as a man, how tough you are, there will be a moment in every man's life where his body fails him, meaning it could could be old age, it could be illness, it could be accident, where your body will not be able to just push through, and you will actually need to receive support from other people. And if you don't have the skill set to do that or to ask for it or know how to receive it, to. To. To be just brutally honest, you'll die faster. And so rewriting the story of the lone wolf is the lone wolf itself dies faster. So the wolf that's been kicked out of the pack will not survive as long. And so as men Learn to come back, particularly into community with each other. What we learn is other men don't have to be competition or threats, but they can actually be our greatest allies for us, creating the lives we really want to live. And other men can help us get really clear about what we're feeling, what we're wanting, the direction of our life, the choices we have to make, and yes, sometimes point out the things we don't necessarily want to see about ourselves that are contributing to the ways our life might not be working. So this is a real thing for so many men that when they get really honest and start to experience it, the masculine men actually crave this capacity of other people to lovingly point out when they're not showing up in their fullest, true selves. Kind of call it the spinach in the teeth moment, right? We're walking through life and someone finally slows down and says, hey, do you realize you have a big piece of spinach in your teeth you've been walking around with? And at first we're like, oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. But then we're also like, well, thank you for telling me, because nobody else told me all day long. And now that I see it, I have choice as to how to work with that. And it's the same way whether we're not showing up in relationship like we want or in our health or in our work, other men can help us see where we're not living in alignment with our own goals and ideals. And they can help help us get back on track in so many ways. And so, again, it becomes about effectiveness. When we're in a group of men who care about us and know what we want to create in our life, we're going to be able to get there a lot faster.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Yeah. Yeah. It's actually okay to ask for help.
Jason Lange: Exactly, yeah.
Host (Elsplend Realities): For some persons, they. I don't know if it. If they are in a shell or, like, I just don't know why, but they don't want to ask for help. I don't know why.
Jason Lange: Yeah, it's that myth of the lone wolf, the vulnerability of, I don't know how to do this or I need support around this that a lot of men immediately think makes them we. And the truth is, you know, I'm a guy, I've fallen prey to this, where there's been something I've been struggling with or couldn't figure out. And I'll in my mind tell myself, I gotta figure it out. I gotta be, you know, resilient and I don't want to need anybody. And I end up wasting days, weeks or months trying to figure something out that if I had just asked somebody might have taken 10, 20 seconds. So again, I just frame it as performance. Right. Again, for a lot of guys, it's just fear. It's fear of being judged. It's fear of not being manly enough. But really effective leaders and men, they know how to ask for help. Because when you ask for help, guess what? You get more done.
Host (Elsplend Realities): True. Yeah. Because some of them, they. Yeah, according to what you said, fear of dangers. They think they will classify them as the weak ones if they ask for help.
Jason Lange: Exactly.
Host (Elsplend Realities): And that's bad. For a man who feels stuck in love, in purpose, or in identity, what's the simplest first step he can take to begin rebuilding himself?
Jason Lange: That's a great question. So there's lots of different pathways, but the one I'm kind of throwing all my weight behind is, yeah, get into community and connection with other men. Join a men's group. It will change every aspect of your life because you will get more present, you will get more connected, and you will get more clear about where you want to go with your life and what's in the way. And then you'll get resourced. So when you get knocked off track or fall down, so to speak, you have men that can support you and help carry you through. And when there's something really important you want to bring forward in life, they will hold you accountable. Not from a shaming place, but from a loving place of, hey, man, I know what you're committed to, what's in the way, how can we support you? And that group aspect, like I've talked about, becomes an incredible fuel source for men where we can just have handle more in life. We become more effective leaders. And it starts by just getting connected to other men. And the more we get connected, the better our health is, the better our emotional health is, the better our mental health is, so we can tackle the things we really want to tackle. And it sounds really simple, but it just makes. It doesn't make life easier, but it does make it better. I've been in men's groups now for 20 years, and I've led hundreds of men's groups, worked with thousands of men in men's groups in particular. And I can tell you it is one of the fastest ways to give men a different experience of being in the world than they've ever had before. And when we have this feeling of brotherhood, of a tribe, of a team at our back, it feels much easier to go out there and create the things we want to create in the world. But it takes that initial vulnerability of saying, you know what? I'm not going to listen to all this programming I received from my culture and I'm going to lean in. I'm not going to wait. I'm going to be the one to have a deeper conversation with my friend or ask for help or take the time to look something up online and risk the awkwardness of trying something new to get into community and connection with other men.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Yeah, you started with powerful teachers. What's the one lesson about emotional responsibility that shapes you the most?
Jason Lange: I would say it's right there in what you just said, in that only we can take responsibility for our wounding and pain. It's very easy when we're feeling hurt to point the blame outward. But only we as men have the capacity to take responsibility for our wounds. And as we do, we actually feel a lot more empowered in life as well. This can all be summed up in this simple frame from one of my teachers, that it's this capacity, particularly around conflict, challenging emotion, to learn to torn toward rather than turn away. So so much of our life, so much of social media and capitalism and things we're sold, want us to get rid of our pain. What's the quick fix so you can feel better when the pathway, the real way to liberation is to go right towards it, to go right towards that challenging conversation in your marriage, to go right toward that challenging conversation at work, to go right towards that deep feeling in your gut of unease you've been avoiding for years. The more we turn toward it, the more powerful we become and the more in control we feel of our own lives because we actually realize, wow, I have a lot more agency here than I ever even realized when I stop blaming other people and say, okay, I didn't ask for these things to happen to me in my life, but only I can do something about it. So I need some help here. I'm going to get connected to a therapist or a coach or a men's group, and I'm going to handle this stuff so I can move my life forward.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Let's talk relationships. What do you feel women wish men understood earlier when it comes to emotional connection?
Host (Elsplend Realities): Yeah, very true. What do you hope men remember long after listening to this conversation?
Jason Lange: Stop doing it alone. It's okay to ask for help. And there is so much more freedom available to us as men than the culture teaches us. Again, when we learn to take responsibility for our inner experience, our inner world, our emotions, our mental health, our emotional health, we actually have more control and agency in the outer world. You deserve to feel good as a man. So many men are just walking around feeling totally burdened by responsibility and the weight of the world on their shoulders and all the things they want to be doing that they don't feel like they're doing well enough. And lo and behold, just getting into a men's group, getting connected to other guys can completely change the energy around that and help you feel really settled into your life exactly as it is and give you a deep sense of purpose and belonging. So the whole mission of what I'm up to in my organization is every man should be in a men's group. And so if you take nothing else away, just let that simmer in your mind until it gets you to take the risk and find a group near you or find a group online.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Yeah. Jason, thank you for bringing clarity, grounded wisdom and practical tools that men and honestly, all of us can apply. Right away, your wife is helping reshape how men show up for themselves, their partners and their community. We appreciate your voice and your mission. Thank you so much, Daisy. This was really an inspiring conversation.
Jason Lange: Thanks so much for having me. Really enjoyed it.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Jason, where can listen and learn more about the work you do and also connect with you.
Jason Lange: Yeah, you can learn all about me and everything I'm up to. More about men's groups at my website, Evolutionary Men. And if you want to find an online men's group, I run those a couple times a year. You can just go to mens group and you can literally find out about the next time I'll be launching a group virtually so you can really join from anywhere in the world.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Thank you so much, Jason. Thank you teaching us, especially the men, how to manage their emotions. Thank you, Jason.
Jason Lange: Totally My pleasure. Thanks for making the space and helping get the word out.
Host (Elsplend Realities): Yeah. So, everyone listening. If today's conversation opened your eyes, softened your perspective, or gave you language for feeling well, you've struggled to express, you're not alone. Emotional intelligence is a lifelong journey, and every step counts. Until next time, keep choosing awareness, keep choosing growth, and keep choosing your real story. This is Elle Splend reality.
