There's a moment about twenty minutes into my conversation on The Life Affairs Podcast where I found myself describing something I see in my office almost daily: a successful man sitting across from me, realizing for the first time that all the strategies that got him to where he is professionally have left him completely disconnected from himself and everyone he cares about. It's this lightning bolt moment that happens when guys finally understand the trade-off they've been making without even knowing it.
One thing I talked about is how men have been rewarded for being disconnected from their bodies for generations. We've been valued for our ability to push through, work hard, go to war, do dangerous jobs. All that achievement often comes at the cost of our well-being. And now we're in this transition where what used to be enough just isn't anymore. Women got empowered to move into the outer world over the last 50, 60 years. For men, it's the inner world that's opening up now. We're being asked to have feelings, to be present, to not always have the right answer. But here's the thing, most of us were never taught how to do that. We've only been shown about three archetypes: the macho jerk, the nice guy who can't set boundaries, or the stoic who's completely sealed off emotionally. None of those work.
I shared some of my own story, how I started this journey because I was in so much pain. I couldn't connect with women, my body would just clam up. That started me on this hunt to figure out what was going on. I found men's groups in my mid-20s and got to be around older men who had done their work. I could feel in my body, that's what I want. That man is relaxed, present, not a pushover but not a jerk either. He can set clear boundaries and lead from a grounded place.
We also talked about how most boys never get that rite of passage anymore where men take them aside and say, hey, let's talk about what it means to be a man. The Industrial Revolution changed everything. Dad went away to work, kids went to school mostly taught by women. A lot of boys are essentially raising themselves without mature masculine presence. That's why I emphasize men's work and men's community so much, because sometimes you can't find that in your literal family lineage.
The research backs this up too. Male suicide is through the roof, we don't live as long, we suffer from loneliness and heart disease at much higher rates. Isolation is as dangerous for men as smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. But here's what's possible: when men start doing this inner work and get more connected to their bodies, to their emotions, they come alive. Life energy comes back. And it's not just woo-woo feel your feelings stuff, there's real science here. Eighty percent of the bandwidth between your brain and body is dedicated to getting information from your body up to your brain. Most men are walking around only using 20% of their capacity to lead, to be intuitive, to make good decisions.
If you're hungry for this kind of work, if you're feeling that isolation or disconnection, there are men out there doing this differently. Check out my work at evolutionarymen.com and see if it resonates.
