There's a moment in every man's life where he realizes he's surrounded by people yet feels completely alone. I explored this profound loneliness that so many men experience in a recent conversation on the Personal Development Trailblazers Podcast, diving into why this happens and what we can actually do to change it.
We got into how men are typically taught to relate through what's called triangulation. Our attention's on the game, the activity, the drink, not on each other. So we can be spending time with people but still feel profoundly alone. That's part of why the stats around men's mental health and suicide are so stark. We're not actually connecting underneath the surface.
Men's groups have been transformative for me personally and for hundreds of guys I've worked with. It's about slowing down and getting real. What's happening in your life? What feels great? What doesn't? Where are you struggling? Simple stuff, but most men don't have anywhere to actually share that.
The good news is this work is spreading. There are groups popping up everywhere now, both in person and virtual. You can find local groups through meetup.com, Eventbrite, or organizations like the Mankind Project. Or you can just start one yourself with two other guys. That's honestly how I got going 14 years ago.
What keeps me doing this work is witnessing men come back alive. Seeing a guy share something he's held in shame for decades, and watching the relief wash over him when he realizes he's not alone. That other men can be allies, not just competition. It literally changes people.
If you're feeling isolated or like something's missing, check out my podcast Evolutionary Men or head to evolutionary.men to learn more about the programs and retreats I run.
Read Full Transcript Full episode text for reading and search
Host: Welcome to the Personal Development Trailblazers podcast, part of the digital Trailblazer podcast family. This podcast is dedicated to bringing you experts and trailblazers to help you grow, learn, love, and help you transform into your best self. Welcome back, Trailblazers. If you're new here, I'm Alicia, and today I'm talking with Jason. Jason, why don't you introduce yourself and tell our listeners a little bit about what you do.
Jason Lange: Yeah. So I'm Jason Lange, and I'm a men's embodiment coach. And I help men just drop deeper into their lives and succeed in relationships, careers, and just feeling alive and vital, which can be pretty challenging in these stressful days of ours.
Host: Absolutely. So tell me how you got started working with Min on doing this.
Jason Lange: Yeah, so it's deeply entwined with my own journey.
Host: So.
Jason Lange: So as I started to grow up, you know, became aware of some issues I had in my family growing up and certain needs that weren't met. And in particular, I was extremely uncomfortable with dating and women and just did not feel good in my body and got really confused. So I was a very late bloomer, and it was in my 20s that I turned towards, okay, there's gotta be a better way to be in my body. This doesn't feel good. I'm ready for a relationship. And that took me down. The journey of inner growth really started with therapy and then eventually led me to men's work and specifically to men's groups, where I started spending conscious time around other men who were deeper along in their journey than me and got reconnected to a type of camaraderie and mentorship that I have been deeply, deeply missing in my life. And many men these days are. So I started just doing a lot of men's work in men's groups from my own healing and in the process of that realized, wow, this is so much fun. Like, I love doing this. And other people started asking me, like, what's in men's group? Like, sounds, sounds weird. You just sit around and cry. And I was like, no, there's lots of stuff we do that's part of it, maybe sometimes, but it's about us deepening as men and getting really clear about where we want to go with our lives and how we're showing up in it and the types of relationships we're going to create. And so as many men started asking me, I just started leading. So I, I, I said, okay, well, my personal group I'm in is full, but here, here's a new group I'm opening up if you want to experience it. And then it's just really snowballed from there.
Host: Yeah. Oh, that's so good and so important. I think, as you mentioned today, it's really easy to theme connected with technology. You can reach a lot of people, but that doesn't really mean that you're actually connected. So that's very cool. What, what are these men's groups actually look like in the community? How does that play out?
Jason Lange: Yeah, there's kind of like meditation or different martial arts. Like, there's an unlimited variety of men's groups, but really the kind of deep structure underneath is that it's a group of men who get together intentionally, you know, usually at a set duration of time, like every other week or once a week or once a month. And the whole purpose of dropping in with each other is to get real about what you're feeling, what you're wanting, what you're needing in your life. So most men, part of what causes a lot of challenge for us guys in particular, and why the stats are pretty bleak in terms of how lonely a lot of men feel. Suicide rates are high. Men die earlier if they're not in connection, is that we're taught to relate to each other via a process called triangulation. So most men, by default when they're connecting, the way they're connecting is me and you. Our attention's on a third thing. It's on a sporting game, it's on an activity. It's on something we're watching, it's on drinking. Like, our attention is actually on something else and it's not on each other. So we may be spending time with people, but actually feel quite alone in our experience and in our life and what we feel comfortable sharing. So men's group, the real purpose of it is to slow down and put our attention on each other. Hey, what's going on in your life? What feels great? What's not feeling great? Where do you feel challenged? And we really guide each other deeper into the a real truth in life and connect. Particularly for men, getting men connected to their emotional experience often leads them to take actions to improve or change their lives in areas where they're not thriving.
Host: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man, this is so important. And so much of that made sense when you're talking about triangulation, and I never really considered that before, but it. It does make complete sense. So if someone is experiencing all of these feelings, the loneliness, the disconnection, how can they get involved in something like this? I. I know it seems like this is maybe something that you're doing in your area is it's spreading. How could someone get involved in something like this?
Jason Lange: Yeah, so the great news is, you know, when I started doing this work 20 years ago, you said men's group people are like, what know, maybe a church group was the closest thing some men had experienced. But in terms of this specific work, it was, it was so nascent, it was so new. And I just happened to live in an area of the country where they were a little more ahead of the curve. But now it is spreading and there's a lot more awareness and talk about men's mental health and just well being in general. So there are men's groups kind of springing up everywhere, which is a good thing. And when we're also blessed by technology now. So where you used to have to just physically be around men and there's a lot of benefits to that, this is available now too, where we can meet virtually in groups. And many men I work with throughout the country, they live in more rural areas or places where it can be harder to find like minded men to connect with. So certainly I lead groups. Many men lead groups. If you're looking for a local one, things like meetup.com or eventbrite are really great for just young men's groups. In my area there's different organizations, probably the biggest one of which is called the Mankind Project. And they tend to have chapters, like physical chapters in most major cities. But it's really about you finding your style too. Every man's going to be attracted to a different style of men's work and leaders. So it's worth kind of diving in, taking, taking a look, googling a little bit, you can certainly look at my stuff. But finding a group that for whatever reason you feel called to attending and entirely separate from that, something I also help men with is you can also just start one. So a men's group can start as simple as you grab two other guys and you say, hey, I'd like to meet on this day, this time, for this much amount of this many hours. And I want us to just give, get real about life, not talk about, you know, culture or sports or anything like that, but what's actually happening in your life. And it's pretty shocking, right? How many men are actually desperate for a place to share in that way in our, in our very, you know, for most men we're cultured to and taught to do the, you know, lone wolf, be tough, never share your vulnerability kind of thing. So a Lot of men are suffering inside when they suddenly have a place where they can share their honest truth. It's so liberating and free. So you can start with just you, you and another man, you and two other men. You can just start a group near you. And there's resources for doing that that I'm working on building as well, to help men kind of start their own decentralized groups.
Host: Yeah, that's so good. So you're going to help them kind of get into facilitating their own groups so that they know where to start. I imagine that would be intimidating.
Jason Lange: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the way I started my group, you know, in. In Los Angeles 14 years ago or so, was. Yeah, I just grabbed two friends, so I was like, here's what I want to do. And we just started meeting, and we kind of learned as we went. But obviously since then, I've. I've learned quite a bit about how to create deep connection in a group, how to bring a little structure to it. So that's something I'm. I'm working on. So that men who do want to create something in their area have a bit of a. A formula to follow a little bit. But that said, you can create whatever group you want. The real, most important thing is to slow down and to connect underneath the surface of what's going on inside your heart, inside your soul in some ways, and to realize that other men. This is a big mental shift for a lot of guys, but other men can actually become our allies, not just our competition. For a lot of men, it's always this kind of competitive, I gotta win more, show up this other person. But there's actually an incredible opportunity to realize, wow, I don't have to do everything alone. And I can ask for help and support when things aren't great, and sometimes I can ask for accountability. When there's something really important in my life, I want to move forward. And men's groups are just an incredible, incredible place to do that.
Host: Yeah. Oh, that's so good. So I'm curious, what are some of your. Your proudest moments throughout your time doing this and working with men and developing these groups?
Jason Lange: Yeah. I've gotten to witness just such deep humanity. And you know what I would actually describe as a process of actually seeing a man come back alive who's maybe being in a place of suffering or depression or cut off or lost hope, and to actually. To see vitality come back to a man, to see him come back into his body and kind of like wake up of like, wow, yeah. Okay, I can do this. It's worth it. I have help. I have support. And it's so. It's just so rewarding matched with, you know, a lot of times, because men are raised in such an isolated culture, particularly around vulnerabilities, to have been part of so many experiences where a man shares something that he's literally never shared with another human being and has been holding sometimes for years or decades of his life, oftentimes in a place of shame. It's. It's like the deepest honor when a man trusts a group to bring that forward and to see the relief and relaxation that happens on the other side of. Wow. I didn't even realize how much energy that was taking me to hold on to that grief or sadness or anger. So many different things or different things we've been ashamed of, and to bring it forth and have it be met by connection changes men. I mean, it just literally changes them. So getting to witness that has been such a great gift along with just the fun, you know, particularly in the live events. I do. I do do some live retreats, and it's just such a joy and so much fun to get together and get to do, you know, man stuff. But do it with an intention. Okay. Going deeper. So there's, you know, there's still the horseplay, there's still joking around, but. But we're. We're gathering consciously because we want to be better men and that it's such an uplifting environment to be in.
Host: Yeah. Oh, it sounds like. Sounds like such an important thing. And as you were talking about letting go of things that people have held onto for decades, sometimes just the idea of heavy things are not as heavy when you carry them with someone else or when you ask somebody else to help carry the load. And so that. Yeah, that's such a beautiful thing that you're able to bring to the world of men and so important. How are you currently.
Jason Lange: Go ahead. Oh, I just. It. It. It's. You can actually see men get lighter.
Host: Yeah.
Jason Lange: It's like their bodies release tension and suddenly there's more space and energy to show up and engage with life in the way this they want.
Host: Yeah, no doubt, no doubt. How are you currently finding people? I. I assume since you. You kind of touched on this a little bit back, the world has moved online. So how are you finding people to connect with in this new world?
Host: Have you. Do you have a community online that you're also building and putting people who are maybe finding you on the podcast into?
Jason Lange: Yeah. So my main community right now is through one of the online programs I run, which is basically four men who want to deepen their capacity to show up healthily in intimate relationships. And so through that, I kind of run it as a hybrid community coaching program and training is what I've found is we need all three to succeed. Many men, myself included, sign up for a course on their own, never do it. So we need accountability through coaching. And then what I found in my life was the absolute game changer that made transformation sticky was becoming part of a new community. And so the community. So everything I run always has men's groups and community stuff attached to it. So simultaneously, while you're learning, you're getting connected to communities, doing the same. And everybody's, you know, it's part of the great fun of being in the men's world is one person leans into some kind of vulnerability and, you know, has a big win in their life and it inspires everyone else to. I was like, wow, like, you did it, man. That's incredible. I'm going to try it now too, because if you did it, I can do it. So I found, you know, probably more than anything else, what I do is build community for men. That's the thing that there are, you know, many of the traditional structures for that have kind of fallen apart in terms of the workplace. Less guys are going to church, there's less social groups. And for, you know, when I was doing this work through Covid in particular, there were men I was working with that if they weren't in a zoom meeting with me, they weren't seeing anybody. Right. Like, because they just. They're alive, work from home, isolated, might be single. And that's a reality for a lot of men. So the opportunity to bring them into community and connection. Yeah. Is pretty transformative. And it's so fun to see men when they click and they get it of like, wow, it's not that life is easier, but it's way better when you're in connection with other people on the journey.
Host: Right. So my, my thought went off when you mentioned that you have the community as a part of the programs that you're running. I think a really good opportunity for you would be to have a pre group like a. That's a free community that people can be in and kind of have. Get a taste of the community that then could be nurtured into finding something that is more, you know, tangible where they're meeting with you or they're meeting with a men's group that could be inspiring and maybe that first taste of the world of community with other men. I know that in the, in the mom world, in the. On the woman's side of things, there are so many communities that we are just nothing can stop us from being in community. So. But. But I don't. And maybe it's because I'm not a man. I, I don't see a lot of that on the men's side, you know, in, in those same kind of groups. But that could definitely. There could be a hole in the market there that could be lead generation for you along with podcasting, where people are getting that and then a place to share your, your, your podcasting episodes or to go live or, you know, to, to nurture those people into, you know, a better life for themselves.
Jason Lange: Yeah, yeah, I'm, I, I participate in a few as an assistant coach and some other leaders in the field. So I'm kind of seeing, you know, what it takes in the background to create that. And as I get clear about what I'm going to offer exactly, you know, something like that will be coming online. Right now, what I'm finding is, I mean, the most lightning bottle place to get guys is in a fiscal. Once, once a man's on retreat, once he's had that experience, then he's never quite the same.
Host: Right.
Jason Lange: I really like to get guys going there, I imagine.
Host: So there is a quote in the, in the sales world that nothing beats butts and seats. So yeah, having, having the people like in the room, there is something magical that happens. It's. This is awesome being, you know, on screen with someone, but when you can really connect in person, there is a magic that happens. So that's very cool. So is, is that your next step for growth, continuing to grow the retreat?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I'm, I'm kind of. My main growth right now is growing retreats. I have a couple hybrid programs that are also kind of a combination of a retreat with an online portion wrapped around it, which is going really well. Because you know, the other thing, the truth about retreat world is the retreat always ends up being the easy part. As I tell men, it's what happens when you get back to your life and the kids are screaming or you're getting a fight, or you get stressed out about work. That's the real work. And so the hybrid model seems to be working really well of take men really deep in a live experience and then provide them the virtual ongoing support to make sure it's integrating.
Host: Yeah, I think that that is so important. Yeah, so important. I grew up in the Bible belt, of course, so I had the church camp experience, and it's always interesting to see how hyped up people get at that. But then it's really difficult when you go back home to your normal friends, your normal life, you know, sustain it. Absolutely. So having the, the live event and then the ongoing support, I think you're on the right track there for Sure. I think that that's so important and going to help bring that lasting change for people. For sure.
Jason Lange: Yeah. Yeah. I feel so blessed to do the work.
Host: Yeah, absolutely. Jason, if people have loved everything that you've said here today, how can they connect with you more?
Jason Lange: Yeah. So best thing to do is you can check out my website, which [email protected]. so it's actually not dot com, it's dot men. And on there you can find a of bunch of writing I've done, overview of my programs, events I have coming up, including retreats, and my podcast, which is probably the best way to kind of just get a deeper download of everything we've talked about here. How men can really change the way they approach life and community and other men. And that's just called Evolutionary Men as well.
Host: Perfect. Well, I will share links to all of that in the show notes so that people can find you really easily. Thank you so much for sharing all of this with our audience today. It's been wonderful and I know people are going to find a lot of value in it.
Jason Lange: Yeah. Thanks so much for having me. It's been great to be here.
Host: Yeah. For everyone who's listening, we'd love it if you'd like this episode and subscribe wherever you're consuming it and share it with a friend because we all know someone who could need it. Thanks again, Jason, and we'll see you all in the next one.
