74: How to generate sexual attraction skillfully: polarity in practice | Dear Men

Jason Lange: The best thing for the feminine partner to do is literally just express and reveal how it feels. So like, if I'm like, hey, do you want to go get sushi tonight? And you're just like, like. Because that's the sensation in your body that's actually more useful for. Hi guys.

Melanie Curtin: Welcome back to another episode of Dear Men. Fan favorite with Jason Lange. Jason, you can't believe the amount of fan mail that I get about you. People love you.

Jason Lange: What good to be back, everybody.

Melanie Curtin: Good team. Good team. So today we're talking about polarity. And I've done a few episodes about this subject before, but I think the importance of it kind of warrants more of an exploration. And I today sort of wanted to hear from you in terms of your personal journey around polarity. I know you study with John Wineland and you've worked also around David Data's stuff, who sort of originated the concept in many ways. Although, you know, I feel like in terms of its ancient origins, it goes back much further than just these people that have been putting out books and things in the last few years. But the point is, I think you're one of those people who's sort of had relationships before. You were familiar with the concept and now you've learned about it and now you're having a relationship knowing about it. So I'd love to hear about your journey in terms of all of that and how it affects your actual relationship and how it maybe helps you navigate it.

Jason Lange: Yeah, well, for those that know my story, I was a pretty late bloomer. So the interesting thing is I actually knew about polarity before I had ever been in a relationship. Because in my early to mid-20s, you know, I was obsessively reading different things and approaching self help from a philosophical mind based place of reading. Reading more will fix me, which was the strategy of the time. So I read David Data's work pretty early on, Certainly by my mid-20s, 20s, I had read his concepts and they made sense to me and really resonated with me. However, I didn't actually, wasn't actually dating at the time and had no way to embody it or put it into practice. And it wasn't until, you know, my late 20s, that mid to late 20s, that I really started dating. And even knowing all that, I wasn't really able to practice it so much at the time. I just didn't quite have that in my body yet. So it wasn't until my 30s that it really became something more. And it didn't. It actually didn't really even become something super strong until I got married, when it was like, okay, now I need to actually use these skills. And that's when I began my training with John, who had studied under David and is a big part of this lineage. But this work goes back, like you said, so deep and in so many different lineages and trajectories and across the world. And there's different terms for it. You know, you can label this stuff. Some people don't like the labels masculine and feminine. You can call it yin and yang. You can call it consciousness and light. I mean, there's tons of different ways to talk about polarity, in a sense, which is just really, how do these two kind of primal creative energies in the world interact and. And specifically, how do they interact in relationships?

Melanie Curtin: Yeah. And that's what we're going to be talking about today. But the. The sort of yin yang like, idea is that polarity, at its essence is about the two sort of different forces in the universe, which is darkness and light. I mean, at its most basic, Yin yang and the kind of like, magnets. Right. Like every. Like, we were familiar with that positive and negative pull of magnets. And we know that positive and negative magnets are attracted. They pull together, and that two positive magnets will repel. And like you said, there's a lot of different ways to put the labels on. I think probably for simplicity's sake, we'll just use masculine and feminine today. I also just want to throw out Justin Patrick Pearson, London. Angel Winters are two teachers I really like, and they use alpha and Omega. Alpha map to masculine, and omega maps to feminine. I think, yeah, for simplicity, we'll use that. But part of the reason they use those words is because there's so much extra cultural baggage that comes along with the words masculine and feminine, which I understand, but for simplicity's sake, we'll just use those today. And like, quick and dirty. How would you sort of define the two energies of masculine and feminine in terms of this? Like, in terms of polarity.

Jason Lange: Yeah. I mean, the. The ones I really like are. Are, you know, consciousness and light, or.

Melanie Curtin: So consciousness would map to masculine.

Jason Lange: Yeah.

Melanie Curtin: And light would match to feminine to feminine.

Jason Lange: Or, you know, consciousness and love, you could say to consciousness and energy is another way to put it. But the idea of, like, masculine energy at its. At its core is the energy of simplifying and reduction, like focus. Yeah. Bringing things to completion, simplifying things, taking many choices and honing them down into less. Like, literally focusing in on one point. So taking all that's possible and focusing it in. And even in like the deeper sense, you know, we talk about masculine energy as being structure. So the actual structure, so like the instruction manual, so to speak, for the universe and how information is organized would be, would be masculine. Like, okay, there's unlimited energy in form, but how do you organize it into something specific that's masculine in a lot, a lot of ways. And form itself isn't actually content necessarily. Right. That's the kind of weird thing like how masculine and consciousness kind of maps to emptiness. So the masculine, the primary drive for the masculine is the feeling of freedom, which is freedom of constraint. Is emptiness really, like there are no options anymore. The feminine, on the other hand, or light or love or energy as you might want to call it, is everything that changes, it's quite literally. Everything that doesn't last forever is the feminine.

Melanie Curtin: And so, for example, one of the metaphors that's frequently used is the masculine is the banks of the river and the feminine is the river. So each needs the other. If there were no banks, the water would go everywhere and it would be, I don't know, a delta or it would be something else, but it wouldn't be a river. And the banks of a river with no water in it would be a riverbed, it wouldn't be a river. So they work together to create. The masculine holds the form and the feminine fills in the energy.

Jason Lange: Exactly. And the primary feminine drive in some sense is literally the flow of love, is actually feeling the flow and current of love in the universe through this specific body, in this specific moment. And it's very painful when that's cut off or not available and that, you know, the, the feminine also, I love the term light because, you know, you can even see these archetypes in western cultures, the outfits for marriage. The woman wears white, literally light shining, and the man wears black, which is a representation of emptiness. Right. In the lack of light. Yeah, there's black, there's darkness. And so learning about these two types of energies is where this stuff becomes super practical for like, what does this actually mean in relationships?

Melanie Curtin: Yes.

Jason Lange: And specifically, like, this stuff is great to know and we work with guys around this in terms of how to put this into play right away, even if you're just dating. And I think there's a lot to that. But I actually think this is a even more important and powerful skill set for a long term relationship for those that are interested in that. Where, you know, we've talked about this before, when you first meet someone like Our neurobiology, our chemistry is set up for. It's easily easy to get excited by each other. Like you literally are being flooded with hormones. And you know, one way I like to talk about polarity too is practicing the art of difference. As simple as that sounds in, in terms of those negative and positive poles of, of the magnet and that, you know, when you first meet someone, there's. The majority of your interactions involve difference. It's someone you've never met before. It's someone you've never seen naked before. It's someone you don't know their life story necessarily. There's like lots of difference.

Melanie Curtin: And you're also tending to go out on dates. So you might be going to different places, doing different things. A lot of he's the one asking her to hang out or go do something. So he's providing structure. Whereas once you're in the relationship, it's like, what should we do for dinner?

Jason Lange: Yes.

Melanie Curtin: Instead of, I want to take you here on Friday. Are you free?

Jason Lange: Totally.

Melanie Curtin: Okay. Yes.

Jason Lange: So the point of all this just being is there's usually a point a year, year and a half in where the hormones wear off and it often tends to correlate with getting more serious in relationship. We're spending more time together, we know each other more. Sometimes we've moved in with each other, which starts to totally change how we experience each other. And it's at that point I actually think, like, I consider it an inverse point where before you had a ton of difference and you're actually practicing building sameness. So you're actually practicing resonance and building attachment with each other and creating security and safety and structures. But then there's always a point where that's so anchored and then you're spending so much time with each other, you have more sameness than you do difference. And that's where, you know, the stereotype in our culture is a couple that's been together and is kind of living in a sexless marriage and they're basically just kind of best friends or roommates. Or roommates.

Melanie Curtin: A lot of my clients are like, we're just roommates.

Jason Lange: Yeah. We're kind of just sharing space with each other and that's actually okay. But that makes the passionate romantic part of the partnership more challenging. And so polarity is the practice, the art of practicing difference for the sake of creating chemistry and sexual energy in a long term relationship.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: Would be one way to put it. And. Yeah.

Melanie Curtin: And I feel like this is important because I think where we're going in terms of the evolution of human relationships is learning to be skillful with these energies, Learning how to do this well so that we don't have to live in a sexless marriage. We don't have to lose the attraction part, the sexual attraction part of a relationship, just because we're in a long term relationship. Because if we're not familiar with something like polarity, we can't be skillful with it. There's no way to do it. It's just sort of like hit or miss. Like we never know like why that one interaction with our partner was hot and then another one wasn't. We don't, we're not skillful with it.

Jason Lange: So yeah. And it is actually more important than ever. Because one of the interesting things that what you used to have collapsed is gender roles in these deeper energies were all merged and fused together into one thing. So men did this, women did this. That's all totally dissolving and collapsing. And we're actually totally opening up the spectrum in terms of gender fluidity, Meaning we can move even. You know, I have a very strong feminine, A lot of women I know have very strong masculine. And there's much more flex flowing and going back and forth and negotiating. And in this moment, I'm in this and this moment, you're in that. And that's just where it becomes, in some sense, the more gender fluid we get, the more important polarity is whether you're a same sex couple, whether you're a different sex couple, but you're the man and you stay at home taking care of the kid and your partner's out working, or vice versa. There's so many more arrangements available now. So what polarity is, and learning this as a tool is how can I consciously move these energies through my body to serve the relationship, to create moments of sexual chemistry and connection when we want to.

Melanie Curtin: Yes.

Jason Lange: Doesn't mean you do this all the time.

Melanie Curtin: Yes, yes.

Jason Lange: I'm glad you pointed out the important thing. What it is, is it's a very specific skill that for very specific moments where you know as whether you're feminine or masculine, you learn to drop into that energy which will then polarize meaning. It'll make it easier for your partner to drop into the opposite energy. And it's just more fun and it's more engaging and the sex is better. And oftentimes the connectivity and nourishment we can receive is better or more valuable because that's, you know, another thing I've learned is that this becomes one of the deepest ways where you can learn how to actually love your partner. What is it actually? What does my partner actually need? Because the thing about polarity is, right, I'm a pretty masculine dude and I don't always feel like leading because I lead a lot in life and sometimes my relationship suffers for that. But one of the things I've had to be conscious of, of like, wow, actually this is how I can love my partner, though it literally nourishes her when I step into my masculine and she's able to just melt into her feminine. So it's. Which in my mind is actually, oh, that's me loving her. She can do all the manly stuff, she can take the lead, she can plan dates, she could do all those things. She's totally capable of that. And sometimes she does do that. But in general, what I've learned and why this stuff is important is, okay, how do I actually love my partner and nourish her soul, her energy body in a way that deeply moves her, which we are traditional in that sense, where I tend to be at more at home in my masculine and she tends to be more at home in her feminine. Our day to day to day isn't necessarily that we're hanging out, we are kind of roommates, we live with each other, we do some business together. But in like, oh, tonight's a date night, or, you know, we're going away, like it's very important. Or if she's had a really stressful day where it's like, okay, I'm gonna take the lead on this to help you relax. And so you know how we talk about like, so what does this actually look like in relationship is there's this term that I got from John, may even come from David. I'm not sure how, where it roots back to, but it's that, you know, it's. It's just this phrase. I love that the masculine is the master of time and space. So whoever is orienting in keeping awareness on time and space is holding the masculine pole, is holding the energetic structure, right, the container for the moment. What are we doing? What's the context of it, what's going on in the environment, all those different things. Whereas the feminine is responsible for bringing the energy to the interaction, like actually bringing vitality and energy to it. And I mean guys, most guys get this on a pretty visceral level in the way that, right, we can be stressed out. Oh my God, I have so much shit to do. I'm walking through my day, holy shit, a hot woman. And there's Like a deep breath and there's literally more vitality in our body just experiencing feminine energy. There's like a wow, I'm more here now, like more, more wakefulness. The feminine brings energy in the moment in a way that deeply nourishes a lot of men. And so, you know, another way to kind of put this is masculine energy tends to be more directive and feminine energy tends to be more expressive. So just expressing the feeling of what's going on for me in the moment, which can be emotionally, can be physically, can be sexually, can be a lot of different ways. Whereas, you know, the masculine is more moving things towards something. Right. Like directing, like, hey, come over here. That.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: You know, they call that the art of sacred command.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: Of like really being in your masculine energy. Of, you know, the, the thing about feminine energy, like so masculine energy, like we said, likes to reduce and is about focus. Feminine energy tends to be more diffuse, which means actually feminine energy is often like in some sense merged with so many things happening in the moment. Right. Like there's just. And I can get taxing on a feminine nervous system. So sometimes direction can be very. Feel very good of actually come over here and sit down.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: Go take a bath.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: And it's like, ah, it's like the, the containment of the structure actually relaxes your nervous system. When you're in feminine, you're in, when you're in your feminine, whether you're a man or a woman.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: And so bringing that structure, two interactions to the moment, to your relationship, at least from the masculine side, is part of the gift.

Melanie Curtin: Have you, have you like learned to do this more in your relationship? Sacred command? Like have you, like, I'm interested in your particular journey in terms of skills that you've come to or that you practice more now because of your awareness of polarity. Like, what's an example of what something you do more now than you used to because you know that it's works or it helps or it builds polarity.

Jason Lange: Yeah. I mean, I'm still learning this like everyone else in terms of as good as I am, there's always more I can apply. But yeah, sometimes it's as simple as, you know, seeing my partner stressed out and saying, go take a nap.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: Like, like, yeah, go take a nap. Yeah. And you're going to take a nap right now or I'm going to get us food. Or sometimes it's as simple as just I bought us tickets to this, this weekend and we're going.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah, right.

Jason Lange: Like we're going To a show or we're going to a fun event. Like, just make the plans kind of. In a sense, we live together at this point. I know what she's into, what she's not, and it's stepping forward more in that kind of way or. Yeah, just being more directive in that sense. Even stuff as simple as, like, come sit down next to me.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah. I want to highlight this. The thing about, like, buying tickets or something, it's like, the difference between, hey, what do you want to do this weekend? It's the difference between that, which is not directive. And I got us tickets to this cool show on Saturday. It's an art fest. I think it's gonna be fun. Or I got us tickets to an event on Saturday. It's gonna be really cool. I'm not telling you what it is. Yeah, that's directive versus not, so it doesn't have to be a big deal. But you need to know as a man, that that will build polarity more so than, hey, what do you want to do this weekend? What should we do for dinner? Where do you want to go? What should we do for the holidays? Like, directiveness is. This is what I think we should do for the holidays. How does that feel for you?

Jason Lange: Yeah, exactly. Reducing the number of options, but doing it in the sense of, this is a gift from my partner. I am taking map of all the possibilities that we could do. And knowing her and knowing our relationship and knowing where we're at in our life, I'm making choices to reduce those maybe down to one, but even just down to one or the other. Hey, I'm thinking we could either do this Friday night or this Friday night.

Melanie Curtin: Yes.

Jason Lange: Which one feels good to you?

Melanie Curtin: Yes.

Jason Lange: Right? Like, and, oh, that one feels good. And then it doesn't have to be this back and forth. And which actually, you know, when you're like, what do you want to do for many, many feminine partners and women who more and more are, like, crushing it in their masculine. Out in the world, they're running their own businesses, they're juggling, they're leading. They're doing all these things. Like, the idea of coming home and then having to make another plan is like, fuck you. Right? Like, just choose something.

Melanie Curtin: So funny. Yeah. I. I hear this actually a lot from. From women is like, I wish that my man would just do more stuff. Meaning, like, just order for me. Like, just, you know, make some decisions. And I feel like. I feel like a lot of men are scared to do that because they don't want to choose the wrong thing and then get attacked or get shamed. So can you speak a little bit to, like, how have you navigated that fear of like, shit, what if I tell her to go take a nap and she's like, fuck you, I don't want to go to take a nap. Like, what? You know, how do you overcome that fear?

Jason Lange: You just have to dive in. And actually your willingness to get it wrong is another way you show your commitment and love. Oh, that's not gonna work. How about this? No. Oh, how about this? How about this? No. How about this? Yes. Ah, okay. Right. If I. If I immediately collapse as soon as I've pointed to something that doesn't make either partner feel good.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: So there's a certain amount of just sticking with it.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: And trying and being willing to mess up. That's how you lear. Yeah. And you know, that's where. That's where actually women can help though. Or the feminine partner can help in that. What you don't want to do is come back with, like, you should have done this. And then like, you kind of. Or we should do this instead. And then you're like, out planning each other. So. So the way, you know, my teachers John talks about this is the best thing for the feminine partner to do is literally just express and reveal how it feels. So, like, if I'm like, hey, do you want to go get sushi tonight? And you're just like, like, because that's the sensation in your body. That's actually more useful for me than, no, I don't want to get sushi tonight. How about we do this instead of like, it actually generates more energy in the relationship where I'm like, okay, not that. Okay, let's. How about this? And then maybe you make another noise or something like that where it doesn't necessarily feel like an attack, it's just clearly kind of what's coming through again. So that's like the expressiveness. Expressiveness piece. And, you know, there's a. Particularly with us sensitive men telling us what to do almost never works. Right. Like, and I. I get this one a lot with guys I work with or in men's groups of the. The like battle about masculinity each other in the sense of, well, you should do that. Like, because the truth is, a lot of women have done a lot of more development than most guys. I mean, it's just. It's just the truth. And so. And women tend to be a little more clued into their intuition and kind of knowing men can get there but it takes a little cultivation. Point being, sometimes women can see, and this is a thing, a shadow thing for some feminine partners is seeing the potential more than the reality of, like, oh, but I know you could be. Do this, baby. Like, oh, my God, you'd be so great in that.

Melanie Curtin: Does that mean, like, what would be an example of that? Oh, you should apply to this job. Is that an example?

Jason Lange: Okay, yeah. Something. Something as simple as that, in some sense of kind of making a plan and trying to coerce him into it. Point of all this being is that that actually becomes you stepping into your masculine pole. So then one of two things happens. Either he retreats and kind of collapses into his feminine, or you kind of get into this grinding fight, or you fight masculine to masculine fight. So again, the technique of just revealing it, like. Like, oh, my God. You know, I gotta say, it just. It hurts so much when I'm around you and you don't know what you're doing with your life. It really hurts. It's hard to be around you. It's different. It's just a different thing you're gonna give your man, and he's either gonna rise. He's probably more likely to rise to that. Yeah. There's so much to go into here in terms of.

Melanie Curtin: No, I mean, that's a really, really good point, though, because I do think, like, there's, like, a misconception about what, you know, being, quote, unquote, being in your masculine means. And I think there's a. There's so much reverse polarity going on right now. And when we say that, it means women that are in their masculine and men that are in their feminine. And for a woman that's in her masculine, you know, the masculine response, like you said to sushi would be like, well, we had sushi last Thursday. So I'm thinking that a better plan might be for us to go to the Italian place that we talked about last week. Like, that is being in your masculine. Because you're thinking, you're planning, you're executing, you're doing, versus, like, I don't know which is expressing, it's feeling into your body. So feminine expression doesn't look like masculine expression. And I think it's worth mentioning that feminine expression is many times denigrated in our culture and that culturally speaking, we do live in a patriarchy. It does value masculine expression way more. So it feel. It can feel really immature and childish to express in a feminine way. But this is something that I think is cutting edge in terms of relationships, is what we're learning is like, what you just said is like, I really, it really, it hurts to be around you when you don't know what you're doing with your life. Like, I feel like anxiety in my stomach and it's painful and then not solving it right. Because the masculine version of that would be, I really feel like there's more you could be doing with your life. I clipped out these three things up on LinkedIn. And that's what our culture teaches women to do. Like, I feel like there's a way that we think that's the mature response rather than just sharing our expression in our heart and then allowing him to make choices based on that. Instead of like, I did this and this and this, like this. It's like we wrap it all up in this, like, thesis statement because that's what we were taught in school. And polarity doesn't work like that. And that's what I think, you know? And in the same way, with reverse polarity, our culture doesn't teach men to say, come sit on my lap. Like, you've done enough work. Like, come sit on my lap. You're done now. You're done with work for the day.

Jason Lange: Not as a way to control your partner, but to actually love your partner.

Melanie Curtin: Right. Because what our culture teaches is that's controlling, that's dominant, that's toxic, masculine, that's all of these things. And it can be toxic or it can be an act of love. And that's the subtlety. That's what I feel like I wanted to get in this episode is the subtlety of polarity is. It's not stereotypical. It's not either. It's not anything we've seen before. Essentially, like mature masculine, feminine polarity in relationship is new. It's a new thing. It hasn't really been done. It's cutting edge. And it's not gonna look like what it's looked like before. Like, I, I don't know very many women that have been raised, you know, in the west who would feel comfortable being like sushi. I don't know. Right. Because they think they should, I don't know, say it in a different way. And. Yeah, so.

Jason Lange: And many, many feminine oriented women that I know. Right. Who that's kind of their center of being, have unfortunately also had enough experiences with men in particular, not being able to handle their energy and collapsing or freaking out or getting angry or violent that they actually withhold it because it hadn't been safe for them to express it. And, you know, one Way to put this, you know, for the feminine partner, is to just fully, completely, fully transparently reveal your heart in any given moment.

Melanie Curtin: And then receive his response. Because if his response is toxic, that's a sign that it's not a healthy relationship.

Jason Lange: Right. Like, and I've seen this dynamic in my own relationship at times, definitely in couples I've known and some couples we've worked with around, like the woman holding back her heart and how much it hurts that her partner is not fully with her. Even just like commitment being one example. So there's kind of like a numbing in it and holding it down and just kind of accepting. And oftentimes the only thing that will wake up the masculine is the full force of that energy. The full, just transparent, like, I am dying. I am dying. My heart is bleeding every day because I do not feel you here with me. Right. Like, just. It hurts. And she's not telling him how to fix it. Yes, right. That's the thing. Just, just this hurts so bad. There's tears streaming down her face. Maybe she's screaming, maybe she's crying, you know, whatever it might be. And that's where I've seen men wake up, drop into their masculine. Oh, fuck, you're right. But I've got, you know, one of the, the great masculine phrases I've learned, which is just an expression of container, so to speak, and commitment, is I've got you, I've got this. I've got this. You can literally feel how those words can wrap an interaction. I've got this, I've got you. And one of my favorites that I've played with when doing this work is the real energetic of I'm not going anywhere. Right. Many men have tend to just bail and to just bail. And so that's why oftentimes some feminine partners don't want to reveal their heart. Because if I reveal my heart and he's not gonna be able to handle the energy and he's gonna bail. Yeah. So the really clean cluing into that energy and you know, it's, it's, it's one thing to say it, but it's also something to stand in front of your partner and hold that energy in your body. I'm here with you. I'm not going to anywhere.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: Is one of the great kind of masculine energies you can, you can give.

Melanie Curtin: I think this is a really good point because, you know, in the program that we run for men, Pillars of presence, we work a lot with men on developing their nervous systems and helping them ground and really, really helping them drop into their really, like their hips, like their cock, like really standing rooted on the earth. Because it's not enough to just say it. Like, if you're gonna say it, you gotta mean it. Like, if you're gonna say, I'm not going anywhere, you gotta mean it. And she can feel if you're in your fucking power when you say it or I'm not going anywhere. Really? Really? Are you not going anywhere? Because I feel like you are. I don't really believe you. And that's not something you can fake. And that's why, you know, men's work and things like that is so critical because, like, I'm imagining you after the work that you've done. Like you at 26 versus you at 36 and all of the work that you did to be able to stand up and in your power. Like, you couldn't have done that necessarily before all that work, right?

Jason Lange: No, totally. So there was a development in terms of me even having the capacity to be with as powerful a partner as I have right now who is deeply feminine and. And has a strong masculine. So sometimes it is. I do have to out masculine her in. In moments and you know, to. To try to bring in just a couple more practical things that we talk about with. With men. You know, another way to think about the consciousness and light, masculine and feminine. Whatever you might want is right is stillness and motion.

Melanie Curtin: Stillness as the masculine and motion, the movement.

Jason Lange: Again, everything that changes. You know, and the. The cliche version of this, but that is very real that we see that we've talked about a couple times. You know, another way to think of this is the. The one who sees and the one who likes to be seen tends to be map onto masculine and feminine. Like the masculine likes to. To look. Like literally, we like to look at women naked, for one. We get way more pleasure out of the visual than most women. Yeah. And the feminine loves to be seen a lot of the times. Right. It's why women put so much energy into adorning their bodies and literally expressing light through their being. Right. Like, I'm gonna shine, so I will be seen. And. Right. You know, this plays out the most cliche, oftentimes pathological, but in a sense place in our culture of like the strip club, man is passive. Watching woman is in movement, bringing energy. Bringing energy. So in terms of how you practice with this is, you know, men to practice polarity, even if it's just on a first date or if it's with your partner, is. Yeah. John likes to tell us that whoever's breathing more deeply will hold the masculine pole and whoever's being more still. Now, that doesn't mean, like, going catatonic, but it means breathing deeply, pulling your energy down into the earth, expanding your awareness, oftentimes even talking more slowly, more deeply, that will start to polarize the moment.

Melanie Curtin: I really like this example because I said. I think it was a Justin London workshop, and they were saying, like, if you're a man and your feminine partner is freaking out and, like, she's anxious, she's running around the house, she doesn't know what to wear, she, like, doing all these things. There can be a tendency to, like, vibe up to where she is and, like, follow her around and try to calm her down and be, you know, be in motion with her. And they say that what's far more effective is, like, sit down, breathe deeply, get still. Like, become like. Like, be the masculine and then find something to appreciate about her. Like, basically, like. Like, find, like. Like, you're adorable right now. Don't fake it. It doesn't work if you fake it. None of this shit works if you fake it. But if you can find one thing that you're like, I find it. Like, some men really find it funny or cute when women are mad, right? And if you don't find it funny or cute in that moment, don't say it. But if you do, like, you're really cute right now. Like, I really. This is very entertaining. I'm not expressing it perfectly, but, like, find one thing you can praise her on or appreciate about her. And if that were me, like, that would definitely calm me down. I would absolutely want to go over and sit on his lap. Like, I'm freaking out. I'm doing all these things. And if he does the stillness thing and I feel judged, I'm not gonna feel safe. But if he does the stillness thing and I feel some kind of approval, that combination is, like, irresistible.

Jason Lange: Yeah. Yeah. What can you love about the energy she's bringing in the moment? It really kind of that simple. And, you know, then the. The feminine partner, like, move more, express more, make more noise, bring. Literally run more energy through your body in the moment. Violet teaches this, her podcast, my Wife is the pleasure path and the idea of, okay to polarize into the feminine in the moment. And, guys, you can do this too. It'd be like, okay, what pleasure can I actually find in my body right now?

Melanie Curtin: Yeah. And it doesn't have to be sexual pleasure, so it can be like a soft. Something soft. Like a soft blanket. It can be something you're tasting. It can, it doesn't matter. But essential, like sensuality for the feminine is how we cultivate energy. It's how it, what's. It's what brings up our energy. So if you are cultivating pleasure in your body, like your man will feel it. Like, that's how you polarize your man. Which again is opposite of the culture. Because a lot of what the culture teaches is like, give him a blow job, make him something. It's like, do something for him. But in the sacred practices and the reality of it is like, ooh, like bring pleasure into your system and he will feel it. So it's the opposite of what's shown in porn, for example. That's the. I don't know, it's a shadow expression or something. But it's not actually that true. It's almost like junk food. Like it kind of works. But the deep, like the deeper thing is like when a woman is dancing and like fully feeling her body and really in, like she is magnetic. Every man's attention is on that woman versus, you know, like maybe a woman who's dancing specifically to be seen. It's like there's a, just a different energy or she's really enjoying her body in the moment. Like she's dropped in, her belly is soft. Like she's like embodied. She's hot and it doesn't really matter. All of her physical appearance, it's like that, that inner, inner sense, that inner fire is.

Jason Lange: Yeah.

Melanie Curtin: Just totally magnetic.

Jason Lange: So that totally works for women.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: For the feminine. You know, even if you're in a same sex partnership, you need to learn to practice, like, who is guiding the night tonight and who is along for the ride. Like it's kind of that simple.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: You can always imagine, you know, one of the great experiences I've had on this of where like, whoa, I get it was I went to see Guns N Roses a couple years ago at Dodger Stadium and it was with a guy in my men's group who rides motorcycles and I had never ridden a bike. And he's, you know, traffic for. If you don't live in la, getting to Dodger Stadium is very challenging. And it was Friday night, it was like a show. So he was like, well, here's the deal. How about. I was like, I'll already be downtown for this thing. And he's like, I'll pick you up on my bike and we'll just drive in. And that is a great example of who's holding the most awareness in the moment. So he was literally driving the bike, and I was just on the back holding on, so I got to just surrender.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: And fully take in the environment and the smells and the. And he was on. Yeah, he was tracking everything in a totally different way. And that was a great. That's like, a great example of just who's tracking and guiding for the night and who just gets to relax into the flow of the moment.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah, that's a really good example.

Jason Lange: So that's a thing you can do and gift to your partner.

Melanie Curtin: Or like, you wake up in the morning and you're like, I'm gonna go do my morning practice, and when I come back to bed, we're having sex. Like, that's guiding and directive. And, you know, it's possible she might get up and put something really nice on. You know what I mean? Like, she's like, oh, okay, we're going on a ride. I'm excited. Like, there's a. There's something to look forward to. There's a. There's a plan. Like, it doesn't have to be elaborate, but it really does. It really does something to the feminine experience.

Jason Lange: It matters. And, you know, one last strategy that's. It's a little edgy, I actually think, but for. For the feminine partner is if the masculine partner is not getting it or not stepping up, you can intentionally practice becoming more helpless. Right. So if it's like, he won't fucking decide where to take us tonight, or it won't, and then he comes, what do you want to do? You can just be like, I don't know. I really don't know. You can bring, like, a fun energy to it. Like, baby, I don't know. What are we gonna do?

Melanie Curtin: I want to speak to this briefly as we wrap, because I think this is a really good point. Like, I am an empowered woman. I'm a strong feminist. I come from a patriarchal culture.

Jason Lange: And.

Melanie Curtin: And I gotta tell you, that works. Like, I've been in several situations with men that I was just getting to know, and polarity is important to me. I want to be with a man who leads. Like, these things are really important to me. And I recognize that a lot of men don't want to overstep, and they don't want to do it wrong, and they don't want to take my power away and, you know, all these things. So I'm thinking of a specific guy. We were. It wasn't totally clear whether we were going to hook up. Doesn't matter anyway, we walked into this, like, shared space, like, there were other people there. And he had been sort of letting me lead in a way. And I didn't really want to. Like, I didn't really want to, and I didn't really want to anymore. And so I just. I just looked at him like, where should we go? Instead of picking the spot. Like, I was like, I don't really want to pick the spot. Like, I don't know if that would be better. Like, I didn't really want to think about it anymore. And so I just, like, gave him one of those puppy dog looks, you know, where I just, like, looked at him and was like. Like, like acted helpless. Helpless might not be the best word, but I think it's worth using here of, like, I don't know. Like, I looked at him with the. I don't know. And I feel like for me, in learning about polarity, I have learned to pull back and not choose, decide, drive, make the choice, you know, do the thing all the damn time. I've learned to, like, slow down a little bit, step back a little bit, leave some space for him to, like, move in. And this has been at least three times that I've done something like this. And in every instance, the man has stepped up and chosen a spot, and, like, he made us a little nest. He, like, went and got some blankets. He chose the place. Like, he did the thing. Yeah, he did the time and space thing. I just needed to, like, give him a little room to do it. And I felt ready to hook up with him by then, you know, I was like, okay, he can do it.

Jason Lange: He can still do it.

Melanie Curtin: Yes.

Jason Lange: Yeah, totally.

Melanie Curtin: So thank you for speaking to that.

Jason Lange: Yeah, it's almost like. I mean, helpless is a strong word, but the sense is I could make this choice, and I'm not going to right now. Like, here's the keys.

Melanie Curtin: Yes, here's the keys.

Jason Lange: And I think I'm not moving until you make a choice again.

Melanie Curtin: This is such a good. This is a really good point for us to end on, because this is cutting edge, right? It's like we talk about first stage, second stage, third stage, masculine and feminine. There's another podcast on that. If you haven't listened to that, I recommend it. But essentially, second stage is reverse polarity. And there's a way we can get stuck there of, like, I'm a woman, I'm empowered now. I have, you know, I have all the same rights, equality. And there's like, a clenching feeling to it that is when it's carried into relationship, it really doesn't lead to the, like, gooey, fun, relaxed, sexy interactions that we actually want. So I think there's a way that we feminine partners really do need to learn how to soften, relax into our bodies, cultivate pleasure in our bodies. You know, that shit is real. Using the jade egg, like taking pole dancing classes, like, that's our responsibility as feminine beings. That's a real thing that we need to cultivate to bring energy to the relationship. And for men, you know, cultivating and choosing to step into directionality places that might feel edgy because of the equality thing, that we're. The equality dance, that everyone's not everyone. But in our culture, that's culturally relevant. It is edgy for a man to be directional. It is edgy to do sacred commands. You don't want to take away a woman's power. It's scary. You might be labeled creepy. You might be labeled all of these judgmental things. So on both sides, it's edgy. It's edgy for me as a feminist to come out publicly and say, like, sometimes I do look like my man. I'm like, I don't know, what should we do? Like, because I feel like, script wise, I'm supposed to, like, I'm not supposed to be helpless. I'm not supposed to act helpless. I'm not supposed to be the damsel in distress. I. I'm supposed to be powerful and in control and all that shit. And I can do that. But it's at the cost of polarity. There's another way for us to be doing all of this, and it's time that we go there.

Jason Lange: And that's, that's where I think, you know, some kind of committed partnership is one of the best places to practice, where you don't have to stress out about some of the cultural conditions so much. Because we have agreements.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: And we know, like, I know my wife is very capable of a lot of things even better than me.

Melanie Curtin: And she knows that you have her back, that you're not trying to take away her power so you can go on the edge.

Jason Lange: More polarity in that context is more about gifting. It's actually, I'm going to gift my structure, my awareness of time and space right now to you so you don't have to fucking worry about it. And the woman is going to gift her ability to deeply feel pleasure in her body or be responsive to, you know, squealing in delight when you get her something, or she sees some beautiful flower you know, that's all energy. And a lot of men don't have a lot of energy in their lives. So they, ah, you know, as soon as a woman full of energy reveals that energy, it like changes their physiology. They stand up straighter and they more. More blood in their face become more present. And so just learning to gift these things to your part is one of the great tools for. Yeah, we could do everything equal, equal tonight. But you've been making decisions all week, so I've got. Tonight you just get to relax.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah.

Jason Lange: And I know you well, so I know how to love you. And me taking control of this night is going to be a way of that. Or you know, the feminine partner. Yeah, she might go out and. Or, or he. And dress up differently and adorn themselves and create a very sensual evening where everything slows down and there's nice smells and there's nice music and there's nourishing food for, you know, for a masculine partner. And I fucking love it when my partner does that. It totally nourishes me. So again, it's really just kind of about gifting these things and that we each have a part to play in this.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah, it's really. That's each role to play. Totally cool. Well, we're gonna wrap there and just to throw that out there. If you are interested more in this topic, there are at least two other podcasts episodes. One is with Jason's wife Violet on Polarity and I can't remember what the other one is right now. So email me dearmen podcastmail.com hey guys, thanks for listening. Just again, a quick note. If you're interested in the course, you can find it at pleaseherinbed.com www.pleaseherinbed.com or at my site, melaniecurtain.com under Courses and have a very sexy day.