I had one of those conversations recently that felt like two puzzle pieces clicking together. Melanie Curtin invited me onto her podcast Dear Men to respond to her "GuyTalk" episode, where she'd interviewed women about what they actually want from men in relationships. As I listened to their answers, I kept nodding because honestly, nothing they said surprised me. This is exactly the work I've been doing for years now with my teacher John Wineland and the guys I coach.
The main thread through the whole conversation was about what Melanie calls "driving" in a relationship. Not just planning dates, though that matters, but the deeper emotional leadership piece. And I'll be honest, I painfully learned this one. Early in my dating life, I was okay planning hikes and activities, but I had zero capacity for the emotional check-ins. I'd notice tension with a partner but tell myself I didn't have the energy to deal with it. End of a long day, just want to relax, don't want to open that can of worms. Sound familiar?
What shifted for me was learning actual structures and language for these conversations. Simple stuff like "Hey, what's going on for you right now?" But if you don't have the framework, which I didn't growing up, you just avoid. And that's where men's groups and relational training became huge for me. You get to practice noticing what it's like to be with someone and actually sharing that, with way lower stakes than when your girlfriend's in a bad mood.
The other piece we talked about is how much less energy it actually takes to deal with things in real time rather than letting them build up into these explosive conversations. Now with my wife Violet, we have 30 minutes every night before bed, no technology, just connection time. Sometimes we're just hanging out, sometimes we're talking through tensions, but knowing that space exists relaxes both of us. These micro check-ins clear stuff out fast, and then resentments don't pile up the way they used to.
If you want help learning how to lead in your relationship like this, without the nice guy patterns that keep you avoiding the real conversations, check out my work at evolutionarymen.com.
