There was this moment in my conversation with Melanie Curtin where I found myself describing a relationship that made me cringe as the words left my mouth. I was telling her about dating someone who'd just moved to town with literally nothing, no job, no community, barely a place to live, and how I immediately jumped in with my car, my apartment, my resources, way past what I actually had to give. That's when it hit me how perfectly I was illustrating the white knight syndrome we'd been discussing on her podcast Dear Men, that pattern where we magnetize women who need rescuing and convince ourselves we're the ones who can fix them, heal them, save them.
What started as observations from my men's groups turned into a real reckoning with my own patterns. I shared about dating someone who'd just moved to town with no job, no community, barely a place to live. And how I immediately stepped in with my car, my space, my resources, often way past what I actually had to give. Then later, a longer relationship where I constantly tried to make things better for someone struggling with chronic health issues, burning myself out in the process.
The thing is, there's this seductive pull to being needed. If she needs me, then this will work. If I can be the one who heals her, I'm special. But underneath that is usually fear. Fear that if we stop helping, if we draw a boundary, they'll leave. And sometimes, if we're really honest, there's a subtle disrespect in not trusting that a woman can actually rise up and handle her life.
We talked about how this pattern often shows up for second stage men, guys whose caring side is really online but who've over-developed it at the expense of their own needs. And how wholeness tends to attract wholeness. When we're not whole ourselves, we magnetize our reciprocal. That's just the physics of attraction.
One of my biggest wake-up calls was realizing my ex would never leave me, no matter how much I withdrew or neglected the relationship. That was a massive red flag that something was deeply wrong, that we'd co-created a pattern from my own childhood neglect.
The real shift happens when men build deep connections with other men. When your tank is getting filled by a community of brothers, you're not desperately seeking that one source of nourishment from a romantic partner. You can actually see the red flags clearly instead of ignoring them because you're terrified of being alone.
If you're recognizing these patterns in yourself, reach out. This is exactly the kind of work we do in my men's groups and coaching. You can learn more at evolutionarymen.com.
