I realized something about a decade ago that totally shifted how I approached dating. I was exhausted, swiping through apps, going on dates I wasn't even excited about, just hoping something would work out. The problem wasn't the apps or the women, it was me. I had no idea what I actually wanted.
That year before I met my wife was all about getting clear on my values first. What mattered to me? Growth, transformation, someone already on their own journey. Once I knew that, everything changed. I stopped chasing and started standing in what I wanted. It became crystal clear when someone was vibrating at that same level.
On this episode with Melanie, we got into the practical side of this. How do you actually know what you want? Not just characteristics on paper, gorgeous, successful, funny, but the feeling states. How do you actually feel around this person? Are you anxious? Relaxed? Energized? That matters way more than any checklist.
We also talked about the deeper work a lot of guys need to do first. For me, it was dealing with childhood neglect, lack of physical touch, not knowing how to ask for what I needed. I had to get help, therapy, men's groups, even touch therapy combined with a therapist to learn how to feel and ask for what I wanted. That work filled my well so I wasn't desperately needing a woman to fix me.
The truth is, wholeness attracts wholeness. If you keep attracting unstable partners or feeling stuck in patterns, the fastest path to change is transforming yourself. It won't fix itself. Get some help, do the inner work, get clear on your vision for your life, then see who fits that reality you're building.
Read Full Transcript Full episode text for reading and search
Jason Lange: Wow. I. I need connection. I need physical touch. I need emotional connection. And my well was just totally empty. Like, basically totally empty. You know, I'd have friends, but we mostly engaged around things than our emotions.
Melanie Curtin: All right, guys, welcome back. Happy new year. Happy 2019. This is our first podcast of the new year, and I'm really excited to have Jason back. Oldie, but goodie. Thanks for being here, Jason.
Jason Lange: Happy New Year.
Melanie Curtin: And I'm pretty excited about this episode because I've been thinking a lot about how to. How to best use this podcast to serve you guys. And one of the things that I've really been reflecting on is, like, kind of highlighting Jason. The clients that come to us and the clients that I've had in the past is sort of like, biggest mistakes and biggest wins, because I think there's a definite themes in the guys that we work with, and I really want to kind of help other guys get to where they want to be faster. So this podcast is all about intentions when it comes to dating, sexuality, relationships, stuff like that, and how to use intentions to attract what you want. This can be for either people who are single or people who are in relationships already. We're going to sort of focus on people who are single who are looking to attract a great partner, but the principles can also be used for people that are in relationships. So. Yeah. So how to attract a great partner. I think I've been. This is something I've been thinking about for a long time and sort of looking back at the clients that I've had and who has experienced success and how that came to pass. And, yeah, I just wanted to kind of go through what we see most of the guys do that come to us, and then a little bit about why that doesn't work, and then we'll go into kind of what to do instead and how to actually do this well so that it does work. So before we kind of get into, like, other guys, Jason, I'm just wondering if you can speak a little bit briefly to your own personal experience with what you feel like you were doing, you were doing wrong or what wasn't working, about how you were trying to attract a great partner before, and then how you, like, what shifted for you in terms of attracting the great partner you have now?
Jason Lange: Yeah, totally. I would say, you know, it was a journey for sure, in terms of. For me, you know, a lot happened in the year before I met my wife, before I met Violet, and a big shift was from just chasing anyone, like, literally being on every app and just kind of swiping without regard, like, oh, that person's hot or that person's interesting or whatnot, and not, you know, truth be told, ending up on dates that I was very jazzed about. And I think the biggest shift that really kind of happened for me that year was, you know, now that I think about it, was just getting clear on my own values. So it was a really big piece of it. And as I got clear on my values, I started to get clear on what values I wanted my partner to have. And, you know, one I think we've talked about on this show before, that was a just pivotal thing for me was realizing, like, wow, yeah, you know, really transformation is really important to me. It's just really important to me, like, growth orientation and someone doing their work, and it's a big part of my life, and it's something I didn't necessarily have in my last relationship. So finding someone I could just be on that journey with was a huge, pivotal thing and actually, like, anchoring everything into that.
Melanie Curtin: So it sounds like you brought intention to. I want to be with someone who is equally as devoted to transformational growth.
Jason Lange: Yeah.
Melanie Curtin: I got no more fucking around with people that are like, oh, that's cool that you meditate, but people that are like, I'm doing this too. I'm committed to this path. I would be on this path regardless of whether you were in my life or not.
Jason Lange: That's the key. That was totally the key is getting. Getting clear on having that intention of like, oh, I want to meet someone who's in it, who's already on that path. That was. That was a big thing for me of, like, who is on their own journey and has already taken the steps, and, like, we're already kind of moving in a similar direction.
Melanie Curtin: Totally. So, okay, so before you had that clarity, what was your dating life like, and what were your intentions around it?
Jason Lange: Yeah, I mean, the before was he was swiping through the apps, you know, and, oh, this person looks cool. This person looks interesting. It was more of a. There was less discernment in what I mean by that is, like, I was just hoping. I was just hoping that if I met someone, they'd be, you know, the right kind of fit for me, But I wasn't even clear on what that fit would be, and I think that was one of the big issues. Yeah.
Melanie Curtin: So it sounds like, yeah, this. And this feels familiar. In terms of the men that I've worked with. There was some amount of meandering.
Jason Lange: Yeah, it was. It was more like getting on, swiping 20 girls and just hoping for the best. You know, quite literally. Like, I can say it got exhausting after nine months or so, and I kind of quit because it. I actually didn't feel empowered by the process at all.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. Yeah. Actually, what I hear in that is it's a little bit passive. There's something a little bit passive about it, especially. The one thing I think that will be a theme in this episode is hoping versus intending. So hoping. There is an element of passivity to it. I'm not saying hope is bad. That's not what I'm saying. But that in a. In a verb sense, like hoping versus creating an intention, setting an intention, holding. Holding an intention that is very different from hoping something will work out, hoping I'll meet the right person, hoping something will happen. It's like. It sounds like it was. It was like swiping and then sort of hoping something would fall into your lap and that it would be the perfect thing and that you would know it once you had it or something.
Jason Lange: Yeah. You know, some of the languaging we've. We've talked about before in my journey around that. That I felt the shift was the shift away from chasing as well, that there was like a, you know, the swiping thing. It felt like I was chasing something and I didn't really know what it was. It was just. Yeah, it was like, yeah, chasing hope in some sense versus, like, I got pretty cleared, you know, at a point where I was like, wow, I don't. I don't want to chase someone. Like, I want to know what I want and stand in that. And then it'll become really clear when someone else is vibrating at that same level. And it was. It was like, totally clear.
Melanie Curtin: That's really. Yeah, that's really powerful. Um, I think that's really powerful because. So I think this segues nicely into what, you know, some of the mistakes that we see guys make, the guys that we work with, because I think that's a common one of thinking that you have clarity about what you want, but not really having clarity about what you want when it comes to a partner. So I will often find myself asking men when I'm on calls with them or whether they're in our program or not, what are you wanting? And I'm always surprised at how much they don't end up talking about what they want. So I'll say, what are you wanting? And they'll say, well, I've been on the apps for about six months and nothing's really worked out. I go on a couple of dates, and they'll go into, like, a big, long story about their history in terms of their dating or what's been going on. And that's very different from, I'm wanting a fun, exciting partnership where I feel valued. They think that they know what they want. But I think a lot of the orientation is what you said of sort of swiping and hoping, like, swiping and hoping for the best. And so it takes, you know, I feel like for you and me in our program, what are you wanting? Is the question that we keep coming back to with the guys. No matter whether it's about dating or sex or their career, it doesn't matter. But it's like, that's where your orientation. It helps you to orient, to direct yourself in your life. What are you wanting? And I feel like the more you practice answering that question in a clear, direct, straightforward way, the easier it gets, because I feel like by the end of the program, you know, we ask, what are you wanting? And they. They can answer it.
Jason Lange: Totally. Huge shift.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. They're used to, like. Like, before, it felt like meandering, and after, it's like, okay, here's what I'm wanting. And especially when it's something difficult, like deciding to go home for the holidays, for example, like, well, I feel like I should. Da, da, da, da. But then when you actually are like, but what do you want? Like, what are you actually wanting? Then they stop and they breathe, and they're like, I don't want to go. Like, my truth is, I don't want to go. I'm like, okay, let's start there. Maybe you'll end up going, maybe you won't, but at least there's a direction. There's a. There's a. There's a stake in the ground.
Jason Lange: Yeah, it's a huge one. And, you know, particularly the journey I've been on myself, and a lot of the guys we work with, you know, kind of have the nice guy thing going on, which is a version of oftentimes putting other people's wants or expectations before our own. And that step to just, like, settling into, like, what I want. Until you can answer that question, it is, in some sense, just a game of luck you're playing and hope that, all right, you know, I hope I'm going to find this great partner. But when you can't even answer, like, what is it I want in terms of relationship and a future and a partner, it's really hard to know. And Then, you know, we've seen a lot of guys get caught in the. In that not knowing piece of like, oh, well, there's some good stuff here, but there's some things here and I don't know. And kind of one foot in and one foot out, which I find that's a lot harder to do when you. When you're really clear on what you want.
Melanie Curtin: That's a really good point. I think both of those were really good points that I want to pull out. The first one was just the sense of being in your head about it. Like the kind of, like back and forth here and there sort of feeling of not actually staking a claim, but kind of wiffle waffling. And a lot of that does tend to happen in your head, not when you're in your body. And so I think that's really significant. And then was the other thing that you just said at the beginning. Oh, sacrificing your own wants and needs for someone else's. Yeah. Because I think you're right. Like, I think you're right. A lot of nice guys do that, and they've done it consistently over time to the point where they don't even necessarily know what their wants and needs are. So I feel like a lot of the guys that I've worked with, it's been a process of reclaiming and getting to know their wants and needs again. It's almost like they've been sort of like pushed down for so long that it's like, I don't even really know what I want here. And you have to kind of like come back to yourself and start to learn, like, what it is that you really want. And again, it doesn't matter whether you get what you really want. Of course we want you to get what you want. Right. But it's more like, I just want you to know, like, I want you to have the orientation of, I really want a steak tonight. I want a steak and potatoes and like a huge meal and chocolate cake. I want all of it.
Jason Lange: Yeah.
Melanie Curtin: You know what I mean? Like, you don't necessarily have to eat that. You don't have to have it, but I want you to know that you want it. And I want you to be able to feel the power of wanting it and know that that's okay. Right. Like your partner wants to go to a vegetarian meal. Maybe you end up going there, but you're like, I want a steak. I'm in touch with the desire for the steak.
Jason Lange: Yeah.
Melanie Curtin: You know, because I think that there's a Lot of like, oh, well, she wants to go there. So I won't even feel that. I'll just. I'll just push it away. I won't even really, you know, allow myself to feel the desire for the thing that I really want.
Jason Lange: Exactly. And sometimes it ends up cutting our partner or the person we're dating off because, you know, they can't necessarily meet us in our want if we can't even express it.
Melanie Curtin: And that's.
Jason Lange: That's a trap. We've seen a lot of the guys we work with be in that, and it can kind of build up some passive aggressiveness or some resentment. Resentment, yep. But. But it's really hard for a partner to read our minds. You know, a lot of times it's true. So sharing our wants, you know, I think that is actually one of the most profound and loving things we can do. I also have found that it, you know, really getting in touch with that. And I sometimes think this is why it can be a challenge, like, really getting in touch with what we want. To me, it actually has a lot of vulnerability around it. Like, it's a very vulnerable act to just admit to ourselves what we want. Because usually in my experience, when I'm clear about what I want and then particular when I express it, it's a different energy because there's the chance that want might not be met or matched, you know?
Melanie Curtin: Yeah, that's exactly right. I feel like that part of the equation is often, you know, I've been brought up or I've been trained to sacrifice my wants and needs for someone else, like my mom, you know, like a caregiver. But then the other side of it is I have expressed my wants before. Like, I want to take you out on a date, and I've gotten shot down. So now, in an effort to protect myself, consciously or unconsciously, I've just skipped over. I want to take you out and just convince myself, no, I don't. I'm not interested, or she'll probably be too busy or whatever it is that we do to kind of shut ourselves down from the want. And both of those don't work. It seems like if there's anything I've seen in my work with men, it's like reclaiming that desire. It's like, it's a must. Like, if you want to really be in a successful partnership as a man, you've got to know what you want, and you've got to be able to go after it, at least in some capacity. Because, again, that's part of Your leadership that's part of direction building is you having the felt sense in your body of what you want and being able to go towards it.
Jason Lange: Exactly. And, you know, there's another piece to it. I think that sometimes is hard for guys and that. I truly think that, like, being clear about what you're wanting, you know, it has a sharpening factor in our lives as well. And in a sense, there's some, like, kind of danger to it because when we actually get clear about what we want, I find that it's a pretty strong antidote to settling as well, of, you know, just kind of going along with someone and it's pleasant, but I'm not fully in that same kind of thing. But when we really feel what we want and admit to ourselves, it's like, oh, yeah, actually. And this. This person I'm pursuing is not that. Like, I'm not feeling that when I'm around them or not getting the type of connection I want. So I think it's a. It can make us. It can cause us to change life pretty fast. I have found, like, when we really get clear about what we want, it can be like, oh, yeah, if that's what I want, then I need to let go of some things, stop pursuing some people, or change my whole strategy in some sense.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah, I like what you said there too, because it seems like for a lot of the guys that we work with, that starts to happen naturally. It's not like they're trying or efforting, but once they get clear on what they want, this thing that isn't that. It's like glaringly obvious.
Jason Lange: Exactly.
Melanie Curtin: Not like they're trying to cut away something that's not working, but it's like. It's just. It's just painful to be settling when you are very in touch with what you want. When you're not. When you're numbing out, it's less painful. You're just sort of like drifting along again. The meandering thing or like, hoping it'll get better instead of having an intention. Setting an intention, holding. Holding a desire. Okay, so it's. Yeah. So that's like the first thing I would say. The first mistake that I see. The second one is this I've seen in women and men, but I just wanted to touch on it, which is sometimes I'll ask, like, what are you wanting? Or what are you looking for? What are you wanting? And I'll get like, well, I want a woman who. Or I want a man who. And then there'll be some, like, Characteristics that are listed, like, well, I want a man who's stable, you know, I want a man who's kind. I want a man who has a great sense of humor or the other way around. Like, I want a girl who's, like, fun and who laughs at my jokes and, you know, again, like, sort of, like a set of characteristics.
Jason Lange: Yeah.
Melanie Curtin: And sometimes I think that can help. But what I've seen repeatedly is that the feeling. The feeling that I get when I'm hearing that the list is often, like, detachment. Like, there's not a sense of, like, vigor or excitement or a felt sense of, like, oh, like, I want this. It's sort of like a checklist. It's a checklist. And it feels a little bit dry. Like, there's not a lot of juice there. There's not a lot of power. It's kind of like. I'm thinking in particular, actually, of a couple of women, because I used to run workshops, and we would do this exercise, and they would list the characteristics first, because it was like a contrast. We're gonna do this, then we're gonna do the thing we really want you to do.
Jason Lange: Yeah.
Melanie Curtin: And. And, yeah, there was, like, a sense of, like, checking things off or, like, a list of, like, your grocery list or something like that. Like, how exciting is it to listen to someone talk about their grocery list? Like, it's not that exciting versus what we do with the guys. So I think. I think that's probably enough. Unless there's any other, like, mistakes you want to touch on before we go into what works better than these things we've mentioned.
Jason Lange: Yeah. I mean, just dovetailing on this exact thing we're on right now is I also find that the characteristics thing can end up kind of putting on blinders and limiting who we're actually kind of looking for in the world. And some of these things we're about to talk about, what I like about them is it just widens the net so much, you know? And instead of walking in to a room or swiping through apps with a certain stereotype based on certain characteristics, there's this deeper energetics piece we're about to get into. And then the only other thing I'll say that about the mistakes that I've certainly seen that kind of ties into the settling thing in a big way is the. I'm so. Like, the idea of being alone is so uncomfortable for me. For some men, like, just not having partnership, that they'll get into some kind of relationship or kind of be dating someone or Keep their hopes pinned on someone because they're afraid of just kind of feeling the loneliness, quite honestly. And a big mistake I've seen in that is then there's less availability out in the world. You know, if you have one foot in with someone, you're not going to be fully present as you're walking through the world and meeting other people. In my experience. And sometimes I see guys who really get stuck in that. Really get stuck in that. In that they kind of are just deathly afraid of, like, okay, no, I'm gonna. You know. And I think there's a big shift that I. When I talk about that move from, like, chasing to kind of more magnetizing for me, of like, I would rather be single and alone and deeply on my purpose, then settle for someone who's not meeting me in all these ways.
Melanie Curtin: Man, that is such a good point. I really like what you said, too, about the shift from chasing to magnetizing, because there's something powerful of the chasing. Feels like I'm running over here, I'm running over there. I've kind of, like, got my hands out and I'm, like, scrambling. Right. I'm chasing, I'm chasing. I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm searching versus, like, I'm sitting still. I'm cultivating myself, and I'm magnetizing my motherfucking woman.
Jason Lange: Exactly.
Melanie Curtin: That is totally different. And very masculine. It feels very masculine. You know, we talk about masculinity and femininity in terms of polarity and whether or not it's a man or a woman. The masculine. The feminine pole is, you know, it's about movement. There's movement. There's, like, flowing. Right. There's a lot of. There's a lot of movement. But the masculine pole is stillness and purpose and grounding. And again, these are just energies. It's not like one person, like a male person has to be this way all the time. But there's something powerful about what you just said in terms of a man attracting his partner. I think this is also true for women. But I just want to highlight this. There's something really powerful about that letting go of the chasing, Stopping the chasing and starting the magnetizing.
Jason Lange: Exactly. You know, I can. Even the image just came up for me of, like, being anchored. Like, you know, it's not that you're not going to move and try new things a little bit as a man, but that there's this anchor to this deeper thing, these deeper intention that's not so swayed by things like, oh, yeah, I'M always connected to that, no matter where I go and no matter who I'm engaged with. And I think that's really what helps kind of bring some of this magnetism, particularly to us men.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah, that's a really good point. The anchoring and the grounding for a man is part of like what you said. It's part of what can have him feel okay being alone and not compulsively needing something from other people, namely women, to fill up that hole. But when he's rooted and grounded and anchored, he's okay being by himself. So he's not. He's far less likely to settle or stay for a really long time in an unfulfilling relationship because he's not afraid of being by himself and with himself. Because, you know that that phrase of like, I'm alone is different than I'm with myself. Like, it's not the same feeling. Yeah, there's something really powerful about that and I find, I find it interesting. I think that's that loneliness piece that you mentioned that feels really relevant for this conversation and for just in general, what I've seen with the work that we've done with men and that we, that we work with a lot is like, yeah, really feeling like, okay, this is what is at the root of my compulsions. Like, like loneliness really is at the root of, you know, let's say porn addiction or Netflix addiction or all of those sort of compulsions. And, and really getting clear and honest about that instead of like pushing it away. Like it's okay that it's there, but now we're really talking about the real thing, which is, which is the loneliness. Instead of we're talking about the weed or we're talking about the porn, we're talking about the thing that we're numbing out with versus what's under that. What's the. Well that's under that that we're trying to fill with those things. And that feels like, yeah, imperative that that gets handled in order to attract a healthy relationship.
Jason Lange: Absolutely. I mean, we've worked with a lot of guys and that's one of the things we work with them around is getting in touch with those things and you know, the self soothing habits we might call. And it's wild. Like it's really wild how much life can change and how fast it can change and the energetics behind just our presence in the world. When we get clear about our strategies that we've been using to kind of avoid these certain feelings like loneliness and that when we turn towards them. It just changes so much. It releases so much more energy, I have found, which then people are attracted to.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah, exactly. That's right. That's what I was going to say was there's something deeply attractive about that anchoring that you mentioned for the feminine. Like, we want to go be around that. So an anchored man is actually more attractive and magnetic, not just to his woman that he's going to be with, but to lots of people, women and men. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah, So I just. I kind of want to break this down and make it clear in terms of, like, what you need to do to attract a great partner. So what I see is that there are two main things that a man has to do to attract a great partner. And the first one, I think we should. We'll just. We'll do them in this order and then we can talk about what you think is more important, less important. They're probably equally important, but we'll. We'll see. But the first one is exactly what we just talked about, which is you got to deal with your shit like developmental trauma, attachment bonding, trauma, whatever you want to call it. Emotional baggage. There's lots of words for it. But this. This stuff has to be. Has to be dealt with. It has to be worked through and looked at and healed ultimately.
Jason Lange: Absolutely.
Melanie Curtin: And I'm wondering, I know you've told your story a couple of times on this podcast, but if you could just briefly sort of, like, share, you know, what. What life was like for you in your dating life before you started dealing with this deep stuff, like, because I think the point that I kind of want to leave listeners with is, like, this stuff is handleable. It's not a deep, dark abyss pit of, like, it's never going to get resolved. It does get resolved. It does take time and energy to do it, but it does happen. And, you know, the sooner that you do it head on, the better, because otherwise you can waste years of your life. Take it away, Jason.
Jason Lange: Absolutely. I mean, this one is so huge and so crucial. And, yeah, for me, you know, it was. I didn't have a dating life because I hadn't dealt with a lot of this in that, like, even getting to the point where I was successfully dating women was, like, out of reach for me. And, yeah, my background was, you know, basically well enough kind of atmosphere growing up, you know, didn't have abusive parents or anything, but was raised in an environment with basically essentially no emotional connection and no physical touch, going as far back as I can remember. And I didn't you know, I didn't really know that for a very long time. You know, my body knew it, but I didn't know it. And so like, even the idea of, you know, in high school there were a few opportunities where I probably could have kissed girls and things could have gone smoother, but like, I was so locked up in my body around physical intimacy and just not knowing what that felt like, not knowing how to ask for it, not knowing how to lead in it that I would get stressed. Like, I would actually get withdrawn when I was around partners and I would totally go up into my head and then the energy of the interaction would just totally, you know, go away, so to speak. It was often very painful. Very, very painful. And in general, just, you know, realizing that I had a lot of just deep grief and had a very hard time often even accessing my emotions and being able to identify them and being able to label them, which makes relationship of any kind pretty hard when you can't do that.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. Especially with the feminine.
Jason Lange: Totally. And you know, issues with my own self esteem and body image and insecurities and, you know, it just became very apparent as I got into my 20s that if I was uncomfortable with myself, no one was going to be able to be comfortable with me. Like, quite simply. Right. Like, if I'm standing there and I'm not feeling comfortable just in my own body in the moment, it's going to be very hard for any woman to feel relaxed and feel comfortable around me. And throughout, you know, through some of the stories we've shared on here, I had some eye opening, very painful experiences that guided me in some sense to getting the help I needed and actually taking proactive steps to address some of this trauma in my life. You know, some of this lack of touch and the deep grief that it really kind of held with me. So for me it was getting into men's groups, doing deep psychotherapy, getting some touch therapy, even of like combining massage work with a therapist present to just help me identify like what my body was feeling, what I needed in the moment, and even literally practice asking for it of like, that was just totally unheard of for me. It was, you know, one of the most challenging things. The first time I was on the massage table and my therapist was with me and she's like, you know, just notice and ask for what you want. And that was like a huge edge. Huge edge. Just to be able to ask and receive what I needed.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. I would imagine listening to your story, like now it feels like neglect, like a lot of neglect, physical touch neglect and emotional. Emotional sharing. And so I would imagine that. That it would feel unsafe. Like receiving might feel like I don't even really know what this is. Like, I'm not. I don't.
Jason Lange: What.
Melanie Curtin: What is this? And then after that, like a craving of it, like I wanted. And it's so hard for me to ask for it because it was denied to me for a really long time. So it's really scary to ask for something like touch because your body mind would remember not having it. So it would feel like, oh God, I'm going to ask and then it's going to be denied to me again and it's going to feel awful and it's going to just. It's just horrible. Like it's just so painful to think about that I'd rather just not ask. But you were being held by loving practitioners that were there so that when you asked, it was provided. And this is something I want to point out because I think for a lot of men, you know, relationships with women, relationships with the feminine are one of the only places that they get touch. They're one of the only places they get intimacy. And that's risky if you have trauma because you might be the partner who can't hold it. She doesn't know. She's clueless. She's in her 20s too. She has her own trauma because traumatized people tend to attract traumatized people. And that. That's not going to go well versus so for example, asking for what you want from a partner who can't provide it and who might even shame you for asking, that's bad news bears. That's not going to go well for anybody involved versus being with a loving practitioner or loving men's group or any kind of environment where the people are holding you. That's when you want to do the emotional risks. That's when you want to ask for what you want and have it and be able to receive it in a safe way without necessarily the context of a relationship where it's like, well, is she gonna think I owe her? Is there like, you know, those that owing thing in relationship that there's a way that. That's taken away in a therapeutic context. It's one of the reasons why somatic therapy, you know, psychotherapy, all of the genres of therapy are important because they. They're environments where we can take risks and learn to practice these skills and release our traumas with a safe person who we don't owe. Like our bodies can actually feel safe receiving from this person because you know, they're not, it's. It's not the same dynamic as, as within a relationship.
Jason Lange: Absolutely. And it, you know, the two other things I'll say is having. For me, it was like dialing in, right. That like, wow, I, I need connection, I need physical touch, I need emotional connection. And my well was just totally empty. Like basically totally empty. You know, I'd have friends, but we mostly engaged around things than our emotions and like how we're actually feeling. And so through therapy, through a lot of the authentic relating work and through men's work in particular, I started to get that vessel filled which did impact how I was relating to women. Because even though I was kind of out of a touch with a lot of things that happened in my body, you know, I've shared some stories before of the few times where I did start to get some touch. Like my vampire came out and I was so desperate for it. Like, you know, I've really just kind of vampirically moved towards a woman in a way that didn't feel particularly good for her. And one of the shifts that doing my own work and taking responsibility actually for nourishing myself in these ways through other ways is it kind of reduced my need for it and it in a, in a great way, it kind of meant I had less at risk when I was pursuing someone in terms of intimacy. Because when I had nothing and I'm going for it, it's like life or death. Whether or not that happens or I'm rejected. Yeah, it's like, oh my God, I like, I need that, you know, versus like oh yeah, I got my tribe of men. I'm getting touched through massage. I'm getting somatic work. Like there were these other outlets which made it like a little less risky to do that kind of stuff.
Melanie Curtin: Yep, totally, completely. And there's something I just want to mention here because we're, we're talking a lot about therapy and different modalities and I know that for me, when I was broke, I didn't have a lot of money for therapy. But there are a lot of choices for free or low cost options. And I just want to mention that we're going to go through some more of those this year on the podcast because again, I'm passionate about like concretely concrete things you can do. But I just want to throw out two of them. One is 12 step groups are really great and I think we often think of Alcoholics Anonymous as one of the only options. But Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is Another really great group. And there's Porn Addicts Anonymous. You know, there's a lot of different 12 step groups that can help, especially with the community aspect. Jason also mentioned men's groups. There's a lot of men's groups that are free and you can just Google that in your area. And then the last thing is a lot of therapy centers will have a sliding scale. So I know when I was living in the bay and I was pretty poor, but I knew I needed therapy. I went to a sliding scale clinic that was $30 per session. That was the low end, I think. I can't remember exactly, but I'm just throwing it out there. I was pretty poor, but I prioritized $30 a week to go towards my, like, healing work. And then the last thing is eft, which is Emotional Freedom Technique, which I'll do an episode on. But I did that a lot when I was on the east coast and I process a lot of my trauma that way. I don't think it works for everyone, but I just wanted to. To throw that out there, that we're talking about a lot of different therapy modalities and there's a lot of options that don't have to cost any money or a lot of money.
Jason Lange: And it's such a worthy investment. And what I mean by that is sometimes it can feel hard, particularly when we're broke, to invest in ourselves in that way. But the real truth is with some of this developmental trauma and attachment problems and this old wiring, the reality is it does not fix itself. It will not just fix itself. And, you know, we've worked with guys, and I've talked with guys up into their 50s and 60s that just kept hoping that this, you know, things would change, but never actually took the time to do that inner work, that inner healing. And that part is so crucial. Yeah, I really can't agree with you more in terms of how important this is, because the last thing I'll say in terms of my own path was one of my huge insights. Because, you know, I started this work 10 years ago and it started working, but there were still some pieces I hadn't gotten particularly around, really embracing. Like you said, like, oh, wow, I was fully. I was neglected. Like, that's a thing. That's an actual experience I had was I actually reenacted that in my relationship before I met my wife. And what I mean by that is that was so deep in my system that I actually created that pattern with my partner and in a lot of really important ways, in retrospect I was totally neglecting her. I was actually stuck in that behavior. And having that eye opening around that as I continued doing my healing work was part of what allowed me to kind of come back to wholeness and in the final stages before I met my wife and really like, wow, like, see that clearly. And you know, you and I talk a lot about like, wholeness attracts wholeness. So if you keep getting in this pattern of attracting people who are unstable or have addiction problems or, you know, there's all kinds of different patterns that come up. One of the just quickest ways to transform that is to transform yourself.
Melanie Curtin: Absolutely. Yeah. We recently had a call with our guys and I remember somebody asked about. Oh. Like, this wasn't exactly the question, but it was something like, how can I attract a more stable, grounded, loving, open woman? Like I've, you know, I've attracted these women that have emotional blocks or walls or all these things. And our response was, you know, what we've seen in the guys that we've coached is that as they do their work and they become more whole and they feel more grounded in themselves and in their community. So whether that's a men's group or, you know, a 12 step fellowship, whatever it is, as they feel more grounded and centered in their life, their where they're going with their life, you know, it doesn't have to be the be all, end all purpose. But like I'm in school pursuing something I'm passionate about. Right. Or I'm building skills towards mastery in this thing that I like doing, whatever that is. The more they do that, they naturally just attract the women. Like they just naturally do it. It's not like there's a strategy. Like that is the strategy. Like you said, the strategy is transform yourself. And then it will just. It just seems like it just happens. I've seen it over and over with the guys that I've worked with. They naturally attract the woman that meets that vibration. The woman that's at a similar level of emotional, spiritual development.
Jason Lange: Yep.
Melanie Curtin: Alongside of the second thing here. So the first thing is gotta deal with your shit. You gotta deal with your shit. There's no way around it. I've never met anyone that's been able to be in a healthy, stable, grounded relationship without dealing with their shit. You don't get a pass. There is no passing. Go with $200. You just have to do it. Like you gotta go through the motherfucking marsh like of shit. And you can. And it's totally possible. And there are lots of people who can hold you through that? Yada, yada. That's number one. And then number two is holding the intention and the vibration of having the woman or the man, whoever it is, the partner, like, feeling the feeling of being with that person and how you want to feel with that person. So back to that workshop where we had people list the characteristics of the person they wanted to be with. We then had them burn those. Hilarious. Because we were in, like, a hotel ballroom, right? So we like, shh, don't tell. We're just gonna, like, take this metal trash can and burn all these little slips of paper. It didn't go well. But anyway, we had them burn those. And then. And then we had them do the following, which is sit down, put your feet on the ground, and take a breath. And now take another breath. I'm not going to take us through the whole thing. But basically we had them slow down and breathe and get into their bodies first. Into their bodies first. And then we had them write down the three ways they want to feel the three ways they want to feel with their partner so that might be appreciated. Like, genuinely appreciate. I feel appreciated. I feel valued or turned on. I feel turned on. Like, I really want to have sex with this person. I feel excited. I feel turned on. Or. What was the one I liked? One of the guys the other day came up with this was something around. I feel, like, in awe. Like, I get to walk in and she's on my arm and I'm just in awe. Like, wow, this is my woman. This is so cool. Like, that feeling of awe or joy. Like, we laugh. Like, I feel. I just feel, like, that joy, like belly laughs when you're really, really laughing hard like that. And only three, right? So, like, the list of 16 characteristics boils down to three. Or, you know, I want to feel secure. I want to feel emotionally safe and secure. Like I can really be myself. I feel. Feel safe around him.
Jason Lange: So huge.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. Which is a really different orientation from meandering, which is I'm just hoping and swiping for the best and putting down the characteristics, which, like you said, Jason, it reminded me of my friend who's like, well, he's got to have this kind of degree and he's got to be this tall and he's got it at all these things. And I was like, okay, maybe you'll find those things. But I know a lot of people who ended up with someone they didn't. They didn't expect. So it seems to me a lot more efficient to do it this Way of like, I want to feel attracted to my man, I want to feel loved, I want to feel valued and then see who shows up. Because the truth is the quantum field can bring you someone faster than you can even imagine when you're oriented to how you want to feel around them, not the list of characteristics. You know, they say that the electromagnetic frequency that emanates from your heart when you're having a feeling, any kind of feeling, it doesn't matter, is 60 times as powerful as the electromagnetic impulse from your head when you're having a thought. And this isn't just woo. This is actually grounded in science. This is true. Which means that if you feel the feeling of being with your woman, let's say you want to feel appreciated, you spend 60 seconds feeling that, that feeling, that's the equivalent of thinking for an hour, it's 60 times as powerful. So the most efficient route is to hold that feeling. And, you know, when we do this with the guys in the program, one of the things we say is like, you know, you can use how you have felt around other people. It doesn't have to be how you felt around someone you're dating if you want to feel appreciated around your woman. Yeah, like, when was the last time you felt appreciated, deeply appreciated by a friend or a colleague or your boss? You know, that that counts. What we're going for is the feeling, not who it was, who, you know, who produced that feeling. It could be, you know, like, I just taught a course and one of the men in my course sent me this beautiful care package and I felt so loved and seen and thrilled. And I book noted it or bookmarked it and was like, this is the feeling I want to have with my man. This is the feeling I'm going to have with my man of feeling seen and feeling appreciate, feeling special. Like, wow, he went to a lot of effort. Like, that was a really sweet package. And I just like went to bed floating on air. That, that's the feeling.
Jason Lange: So good. And what's so great about that is, you know, to really be in touch with it at this level you're talking about is, it can't be theoretical. Like, it actually has to be an experience you have in your body which, like moves it out of the head and into the body. I love that so, so much. And it, you know, it's, it's shocking. You know, we'll do this with men and sometimes then they'll go start dating and they'll be having experiences with, oh, you know, she's just really beautiful and she's got a great career. And then we'll ask them, you know, when they're. But there's. There's something about it they're not quite sure about of. Like, how do you feel around them? You know, like. And how does that compare to your list? And it's like, whoa. Well, actually, I'm like always super anxious. Like, I'm super anxious when I'm with her. She has all these great, you know, the characteristics. But I'm anxious when I'm with her. That's a big deal. That's a really big deal.
Melanie Curtin: That's a really good point. Because I think. Right. Part of the reason that this works in terms of intentionally attracting a partner is that once you have that list of three ways you want to feel, you can, you can use it. Yeah. Like a compare and contrast when you're with people that you're using. Yeah. It's a. It's a totally different compass than, well, does she have a master's degree and you know, did she. Has. She lived abroad? Like, what. You know, whatever your checklist was to do. I feel totally expressed and myself. Right. If that's one of yours, that's on your list. And you don't feel that with her.
Jason Lange: Yeah, that's.
Melanie Curtin: The person might not be the person versus you go out with someone else and you notice, you're just laughing and it's easy and there's tons of flow and you feel totally expressed. Again, that's going to match up and you're going to vibe and you're going to notice like, oh, this. This was on my list. Right, exactly. So it's like a more efficient way of doing it and you're priming yourself for those experiences. You know, neuroscience tells us over and over that if you focus on what you're grateful for, you change the neurochemistry to be happier. So if you focus on what you actually want with a partner in the cells of your body, not just thinking about it, but you're having the experience of feeling met. You're having the experience of feeling cherished, you're having the experience of feeling valued. That is a different thing that is going to change you. You and your body and what you then attract. It's like a. What are they called? I think you said it last night, something like a yo, yo. Like a give and take. Like you're emanating this into the world and it's going to come back to you. You're emanating it. It comes back to you like A like an infinity sign.
Jason Lange: And what's great about it is like. Like I was talking about earlier is it kind of shatters some of our preconceived notions of who our life partner is going to be and that, you know, particularly in the kind of the online dating and swiping world, we can be like, that whole system is set up to as quickly as possible judge the person, you know, quite honestly, particularly with like, the swipe style. And what's great about the feeling aspect is it actually takes being in relationship with that person. Like what? And what I mean by that is actually engaging with them, you know, via even messenger, and then talking and then on a date, like, you actually have to experience the person and they might not look or have any of the characteristics you imagine, but when you're like, wow, but I'm actually feeling these things around them, it can be such a huge moment.
Melanie Curtin: That's a really good point. And I think one of the last things I want to encourage you, you guys, to do is to not, not shame yourself or judge yourself for what you do want or how you do want to feel. You know, we worked with a guy once who he really loves witty banter, and he feels very connected to women who he has that kind of sort of like sarcastic, sharp humor exchanges with. And he was sort of like, well, I shouldn't want that because, you know, fill in the blank. I don't remember what it was he said, but it was sort of like that. Don't, don't do that. Don't shame yourself or put yourself down or think, I should want something else or it'll be easier if I don't want this, or, yeah, any of that. If you are like, wow, I feel joy when I have this, like, when this rapport, this kind of banter, I feel joy. Like, that's your list. Your list is genuinely in your body. You light up when you feel these things. That's your list. It's not like, oh, I should. No, no, no, no, no, no, no shoulds.
Jason Lange: And what's super important about this too, in terms of longevity for relationships is, you know, this feeling state, right? It's. It's an energetics thing like, you're talking about. It's an actual energetics in our system and in our relationship with the other person in a dangerous place, you know, I've certainly seen, is that when we don't honor these. Like, you're talking about, oh, I shouldn't. I'm just minimizing that. And we stay in the relationship because Those characteristics are maybe there. We'll at some point end up craving that energy, and we'll look for it elsewhere, be it with another woman, be it by putting our attention on something else with a different partner or whatnot. And so it's really important to identify these. They're a big deal because when you're not getting them, you know, there's something that's just going to feel off in your system the whole time you're with that partner. And you will try to fill that void in other ways versus, like, really getting touched with. Like, yeah, I need that spontaneous, just zappy, witty energy. It's going to allow you to just be all that more into that relationship with that partner when you find them.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah, that's one thing I think is cool, too, about. There's a way we can appreciate our pasts and appreciate the things that haven't worked out because they really did provide contrast. Like when you know that when that man eventually attracts a woman who he has that witty banter with and he's really attracted to her, he's going to appreciate the shit out of that because he had experiences where he hasn't had it and it was flat or it felt too vanilla or whatever it was. So he's going to appreciate her even more. I think there's something beautiful about that and something to be taken from all of the crappy dating experiences you've had, because when you're with the person who it feels good to be with, you're gonna look back and appreciate them even more. We're gonna start to wrap up here, but one thing I did want to throw out was you can absolutely do this even if you're in a relationship. Right. So how do I want to feel in my relationship in 2019? And the more that you get into that vibration, like, I want to feel like that shared sense of adventure. Right. Like, when you go do something new with your partner and you have that sense of like, we're a team, we're getting through this together. This is really fun. Like, if you want to have that feeling, put it on your list. You don't have to be single to do this. And there's immense power in you doing this. You don't even necessarily have to involve your partner. I know a lot of people do shared, shared vision boards and all of that. And that's awesome. And you can also do it by yourself. And you would be amazed at the. At the magic and the synchronicity that can happen when you just by yourself are like, I Want to feel like this with my person? You would be. You'd be amazed at the things that line up and the ways that that unfolds.
Jason Lange: Yeah. It's such a powerful practice in that regard, because as you get clear on that, what you're really doing is retraining your attention as well. And what you'll start to do is you'll be able to find more evidence for where that's true in your relationship already. You'll actually be paying more attention to it. And as we've talked about so much with these energetics behind everything, the more you appreciate and put your attention on those good feeling states while they're happening, the more the whole engine just starts revving in that direction.
Melanie Curtin: Yep. It's a virtuous cycle. That's a really good point. Like, if you put on your list, like, I want to feel like a team, like, we're a team, like, doing. Doing life together, then the next time that you're out in the world and you're grocery shopping and you don't even need to talk about it, but you're each just going and doing the thing, and you're working together perfectly as a team, you notice it. You're like, oh, cool. This is the feeling. We're doing it right now. This is fun. And it expands it.
Jason Lange: Exactly.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah. Which is. Yeah. Just such a virtuous cycle. Okay, so we're almost at time wondering if there's any other advice that you have, Jason, for this, for the positive side of, like, what to do to intentionally attract a healthy relationship.
Jason Lange: Yeah. The last piece, you know, I'll say, I think is particularly pertinent for us men is that kind of ties into all this in the feeling states is just also having a vision for our life, like, quite literally, like, the type of life I want to be leading. What do I want to be doing that I actually find works best with, like, how does it feel? As well, as. Well, you know, one of the assignments I'll often give guys is, like, to write out their ideal day. Like, what do I feel like when I wake up? What am I doing? How do I feel throughout the day? And then that becomes another guidepost for, like, ooh. And does this person fit that vision? Quite simply, like, can I feel them being in that life with me that I'm moving towards? I think it's such a huge one. And again, it actually becomes a, you know, a way of caring for the people we're dating, because it's pretty hard for someone to know whether or not they want to be in our life if we're not even clear where we're going.
Melanie Curtin: Mm. That's a really. Yeah, that's a. I really like that you added that, especially for the masculine. I think it is true for the feminine as well. But that's powerful. Yeah. And this exercise can and I think should be used for work life as well. How do you want to feel in your work life? I want to feel. I want to feel like a contribution. Right. Like, I want to feel appreciated and valued. I want to feel like I'm helping. Like, really, when you're accomplishing and you're. You're helping, you're moving forward. I want that feeling. Or. And. Or like, I want to be part of a team. I want to feel that sense of teamwork. Like, we are collaborating, we are moving forward. I'm just throwing some out there, but that's a really good starting point for, you know, the vision for your job or your work or where you're going with. With. With those things is how do you want to feel there? Start there and then the other things.
Jason Lange: It's so great. Totally. And again, it just cuts through and shatters a lot of our preconceived notions of what that has to be. You know, we can often have these big stories about the type of work we need to be doing or whatnot. When it's like, wow, no, actually, I really feel that when I'm doing X already. Reframe so many things and you'd be.
Melanie Curtin: Surprised at the kinds of opportunities you attract too. When you really focus on this kind of thing, you'd be a surprise. Like, new opportunities tend to show up, and it's pretty cool. That wraps up another episode of Dear Men. Thank you for listening. If you want to reach out, we would love to hear from you. We're on Instagram and Twitter. Earmen Podcast. That's earmenpodcast. Or Facebook. We have a group Dear Men podcast. We also have an email address, dearmen podcastmail.com if you want to join the Big Sexy Data Set, the community of people who regularly respond to the surveys that we talk about on this podcast, just email us at that address, dearmen podcastmail.com and we will set you up. Have a sexy day. Sa.
