396: Why your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you (anymore) | Dear Men

Jason Lange: Right.

Melanie Curtin: Like. Oh, like she'll just try to avoid it. Most of the time she'll kind of do it because she knows it's good for the relationship. And this one can show up even if she doesn't have trauma in her background.

Jason Lange: Right.

Melanie Curtin: It's like, well, it's just the sex isn't that good. And I don't know how to say that to my partner. Right. A lot of these are. I don't know how to have this conversation with my partner. I don't know how to say this really tender thing. Like, yeah, I don't. I. I'm not turned on when you go down on me because it's too much too fast. You know, I need. I need you to slow down and be present and, you know, just. Just slow down. Right. Et cetera. So any comments on that section before we kind of move forward? I think we've got a lot to come.

Jason Lange: Yeah. I mean, in some ways, it's the polarity of number five. When I say number five's kind of not got anything to do with you. Like, this would probably show up with someone else. Four, it's could very much be the opposite. Meaning. No, she. It's not her body. It's how you're approaching her, how you're touching her, how you're accessing her in some sense that it's about you and how you're bringing yourself to the table. And, you know, another way to just put this in a lot of ways is you're not attuning to her body. Right. You're attuning to your body and assuming her body is going to move at the same pace. Or sometimes you're attuning to a previous partner's body. Oh, my previous partner worked like this. So of course all women work like that. Right. Or I saw that in porn, so of course. Da, da, da. No, it's not the case. Or sometimes you're attuning to your partner from last week and they're in a different part of their cycle or something else is going on right now and their body does not want to move at the same pace or be touched in the same way. So this is about us having to really slow down as men and get clear about. Yeah. What does she need to open in some sense. And a lot of guys you're right. They just don't get it because we're raised by porn. And porn cuts all of that out. It doesn't show all the things they have to do to get ready, all the breaks they take, all the, like, it's just not part of it. They cut that out. And it's very different than what we're talking about here, which is it just takes some time. Often when a lot of feminine partners get there, you know, then they're very open and more pressure is okay. And then the great joke is that's often when guys are kind of ready to be done because we come to. And then, you know, it's kind of like. And she's like, well, we just got started. And you're like, yeah, I'm done. But this is a challenging one, and particularly a challenging one. And it'll connect to some other things we talk about for guys. Because the path out of this one is knowing how to take feedback and not collapsing in shame of, oh, this cause you're broken or I'm broke. Just know, okay? We're just learning. We're just learning how each other work here.

Melanie Curtin: Yes. And it. And it is very much also related to the other ones that we're gonna go through, right? It is, it's psychological, it's emotional and it's physical. It's all of those at the same time. And all of those show up in the research around what, what makes a man truly great in bed. And I also wanna say that what doesn't show up in that research is size of your penis, how long you can last, or your body type. Right? Like you do not need six pack abs, you do not need a huge cock, and you do not need to last forever to give women the kind of pleasure they talk about for the rest of their lives. I can tell you that as a sex researcher. So please listen to me. Wonderful.

Jason Lange: Moving on.

Melanie Curtin: Number three. This is very common, I would say, and this happens often in long term committed relationships, right? Where. Especially where the two partners have become just roommates. Right? We hear that all the time. We're just roommates. We're just householders. We're really good at running the household, maybe raising the kids. We're a team. But we don't have sex. Right. And I've mentioned this on other episodes, but psychologists define sex. Sorry. Psychologists define a sexless relationship as one where you're having sex 10 times a year or fewer. So just under once a month is the technical definition for a sexless relationship or a sexless Marriage. We see this all the time. All the time. Uh, we, I think we have a whole episode called Duty Sex. Like, is she just having sex with you out of duty? If you have that sense, if you have that feeling, you might be in this category. So the number three reason that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you anymore is not enough emotional connection. Right. Another way of saying this is not enough intimacy. Right. She can't feel you, she can't feel your heart, she can't feel you with her, she doesn't feel your attention, your. I guess you could say love with her, on her, towards her. It can feel more mechanical. Right. We're just, yeah, we're just cooperating. We're just collaborating on this house that we run together. But I don't feel your, your love, your attention, your, your desire for me, your, you know, fill in the blank. So can you say a little bit about what you've noticed in terms of the patterns we see with, with men?

Jason Lange: Yeah, this is. Desire is a key word there in that it's about desire, but not just of the body and sex, right. It's about, oh, the, the rest of the human being. I want to feel your desire to be close to me, to know my heart, to know my feelings, to ask me about my day. All these different things that lead to a sense of connection. Oh, I feel seen by you. You've put time into our connection. Not just 10 minutes before when you grab my ass, which means I want sex now. Right. Like that's where a lot of us guys will default. I've been there before, I've neglected my partner before. And then the move from, well, we've barely made eye contact in three days to, hey, let's have penetrative sex. That's a pretty big move, right? And so this one's related in some ways often to number four in terms of what we to kind of talk about that warm up sequence, often for partners, emotional connection is really often the primary mover of that. That doesn't even require your physical presence, right? The texting, the chatting, the emojis, the, hey, my awareness is with you right now, even if I'm not with you. And that starts this whole process in a sense, in that emotional connection has to be cultivated, right? It doesn't just show up by itself. And particularly once K and work and all that comes into play, it's often just dropping to the bottom of the list. Or we just haven't put our attention on her, asked her about her day, gotten connected in that heart space, you know, for my partner in particular, this is her strongest aphrodisiac. Like if just taking the time to get a little present and emotionally connected that ignites her system way more than anything else. The specific way I touch her, like it's just, oh, she's feeling connected, we're feeling there's to be closeness. She feels my attention on her and tracking her. And we've talked about this a little bit in our program and I think some episodes lately where, you know, they, they now have research that's like, yeah, the, it doesn't have to these be these huge prolonged things either. It's not like, oh, we had two hour deep conversation into no, it's like I stopped and I said hi and I said I love you on, on the way to get something out of the fridge. It's kind of these micro doses of connection that are like, hey, I'm so glad to be here with you, I can't wait to see you tonight. Or I'm so excited about this weekend. But it's that emotional connection and in some sense emotional labor, right? It's the labor of maintaining the connection that so many men neglect and will kind of, without often realizing it, just abdicate that to her. And then she has to be generating that like we haven't even talked like what's going on, da, da, da. And if she's having to lead and initiate the emotional connection, that's going to mess up something we're going to get to a little bit later because it's just going to start to change the nature of your connection. So this is, this is such in some ways like a slam dunk for guys to learn how to do because it has so much roi and not just sexually, but in terms of just well, being and connection in the relationship for both of you. And it's that, okay, hey, heart space, heart space. And we've talked about this a lot. You know, again, any individual is going to be different here, but at a generalized level. Often what we see is masculine alpha oriented beings in a male body and in terms of feminine, omega oriented beings in a female body, it tends to be us men have this story and sometimes experience of oh, once we connect through our genitals, then my heart opens and then I feel connected to her. And oftentimes it's the opposite on the other way where until my heart is open, my pussy's not going to open. Right. Like quite simply in some sense. And so the, the, the hack here in, in a way though is it's just much easier to start with the emotional connection. And then the rest can flow so fast because our sexual connection could be ignited. Ignited almost immediately. Right. So it start with the thing that takes a little bit more time, a little bit more attention, and that's the emotional connection that. Oh, okay. And this will go right into our next one here, here soon. That this is a valuable thing and you want to know me. I'm not just a body to you, in a sense, yes.

Melanie Curtin: And I wanted to briefly mention, for those that are new to the podcast, we use some terminology around alpha and omega that has to do with polarity, which is something we'll get to. But I just wanted to slow that down because what we don't mean is that traditional word of alpha male. That's not what we're talking about. It happens to be the same word, but it means something different to us. And I also wanted to highlight that word, closeness. Closeness. So much of this conversation about sex has to do with closeness and passion. And there can be a tension between those and there can be a connection between those, a very close connection. And I think what you're pointing to, Jason, is that for a lot of people, not just women, we speak to a lot of men where they need emotional closeness in order to get aroused. It's actually not just women that function that way. A lot of people function that way. We happen to be framing it in this one way right now, but I just wanted to really make sure that that's understood because I've. Many of the men that we've worked with, many of the men that we've worked with have said things like, I just, I'm not turned on by a one night stand. I feel like I know the woman I'm sleeping with or I don't get aroused. I don't. It's just not exciting for me. That's normal. And I think our culture kind of makes it weird, right? It's sort of. There's all these messages around. Men have to want sex, and they have to want sex all the time. And if you don't want sex all the time, you're not really a man. And we had a of weird shit around sexuality, and that's just one part of it. But I did want to mention that that closeness is a lot of what we're talking about here. Emotional connection, closeness. Do I feel you with me? Do I feel your attention on me? Do I feel like you know me in this moment? Do I feel like you know me in this moment? Then I'm gonna, you know, wanna have sex with you. That's not a hard and fast rule, but we're making some generalizations. So just like roll with that's. There any last things about that one before we move on to the next one?

Jason Lange: Yeah, it. It just that it's gonna. This one also pays dividends in your own life as man because the skills you need to build to create that kind of connection are gonna serve you in all kinds of areas outside of your partnership as well. So just know that it again, it's, it's worth it. And just because you did it last week doesn't mean it's good to go right now. Right? We. I often use the analogy if it's like sunshine and water, just because you watered the plant yesterday, you gotta water it again today just because you got sunshine needs sunshine again. So does she. In terms of your presence and that emotional connection, like those are the two real things here.

Melanie Curtin: Or feeding the meter. I like that.

Jason Lange: Feeding the meter.

Melanie Curtin: Yep, Totally gotta feed the meter. And yeah, we're not delving into kind of how to do that, how to build that emotional connection. We do go into that in our work. We're gonna move on here. But if you're like, what, how do I do that? What do I. If I knew how to do that, I'd do more of it. We'll. We'll help you out. Help you out. Okay, number two. Number two, this is a little confronting. Wait for it. So we actually did a whole episode on this topic that I'm gonna drop in the show notes and it's called are you using your wife for sex? Which is confronting as well as this. She doesn't want to be a receptacle for your tension. Take it away, Jason.

Jason Lange: Yeah, so this is one listeners who know you do some work with Luke Adler, and I do work with Luke Adler. We talk a lot about a lot in shadow work and emotional work we do with men. In that for a lot of guys, ejaculation is their default way to handle emotional and physical tension in their body. So it's literally, I mean, you think of the phrase. I think it kind of points to this, get off. I got to get off, right? Well, what am. Do I to going, I. What am I getting off? Well, I'm getting off all the feelings. I don't want to feel all the stress and tension and anger or fear or grief or whatever it is. And for a lot of guys, they use sex as a means to self regulate. Just like a lot of us have used it have used porn in masturbation to self regulate. We will actually use our partner's body for, oh, I need to feel better, so I gotta have sex. Like I have all this tension in my body. I gotta have sex. You probably even hear it in my voice. It's just like, what? Like even I'm kind of repulsed by that I idea. And this is a very real thing, right? That, that's out there. And this is where sometimes the kind of entitled man can show up. But the idea is, what's the state of your nervous system? And you know, I have shared this with a number of guys. You and I were talking about this, but in a sense, like how would you have to be so she would want to you right. If you're coming in exhausted, stressed, a little drunk, whatever, you know, there's so many different things. Who would want to be around that? Not me, right? So this is a huge one for us men. That, that really comes down to how good and relaxed and whole are we feeling in our body already? And I'm not saying, you know, sex is a great way to rejuvenate and create connection and handle stress in life, but it's very different than what we're talking about here, which is. Right. Luke illustrates this beautifully that you could particularly think about it in the male nervous system. The center column from base of our brain all the way down to our. Our sacrum, our root. That's kind of where all the feeling happens in our body, right? When. When we're tracking emotions with people. It's usually not like I feel it in my left pinky finger, right? It's throat. Heart guts is kind of where most of the stuff a little bit ahead. But if there's something we don't want to feel, guess where's the furthest we can push it in our body as men right down into our balls, right down into our sex organs. And then how do we want to get rid of that? We want to ejaculate it out for some men that we treat that like our monthly cycle. In the sense of this is how we release and shed. Now if you're doing that unconsciously, it's felt right, oh my God, I gotta have sex tonight. Can we have sex tonight? Like there's just like that in the nervous system, that tension. And not the good kind of tension that we're talking about, but the kind of, whoa, you're dysregulated kind of tension. And nobody, I think, really wants to be a receptacle for that, but particularly women, right? They don't want to take that energy in. They're already managing so much, they don't want to then have to hold that in you too. And this is a really confronting one for guys because they often don't want to look at the choice choices they're making in their lives that are leading to them being balls of stress, physical stress, emotional stress, mental stress, etc. Because this is the one that, you know, watching a cute little reel on Instagram is not going to change. It's going to require you to look at how am I really showing up in my life and what does my self care look like? How am I handling myself emotionally? How am I getting my connection needs met in places that aren't just with my partner? How am I sleeping, how am I eating? How am I setting boundaries at work so I'm not answering my phone 24, seven stressed out about what the next thing they need for me? That all leads into this. If your nervous system is dysregulated and stressed when you go to initiate sex, that alone is going to cause her to close, right? To not want to open to you as much. So what's the state of your nervous system? Are you using sex with her to try to discharge emotional, physical or mental tension? If you are, guess what? She's not going to want to fuck that. Who would want to fuck that? I wouldn't. And so the work here becomes okay, how can I better handle myself, take care of myself, come into our connection from a place of being somewhat grounded and self regulated already. Then it's like the sky's the limit for what you can create and manifest to generate with each other. But this one can be a really huge blind spot for guys that they're just not paying attention to what it feels like to be in their body at that moment and what the experiences someone around them must be having in those moments.

Melanie Curtin: I really want to connect some dots here too because part of why men are so stressed is because they're lonely. And you know, you mentioned that. How am I going to get my connection needs met outside of my partner? And I want to emphasize how much we have seen men shift in our work together by getting connected to other conscious, growth oriented men. We have an episode, a few that I'm going to drop in the show notes. One is called are you lonely? And you can be lonely inside a marriage. Just because you have someone else in the house doesn't mean that you're not lonely. And because of I'm going to use the P word Everybody prepare themselves because of the patriarchy, which is not about. Which is not a system that says men are bad. That's not what the patriarchy is. It's the system that tells men that you're a pussy if you connect with other men. That's. When I talk about it, it means the structures that are in place that shame men from being close to each other. So then that. That structure, that. That weaving that tapestry of brotherhood, which is like a net underneath. It's supposed to be a net that's underneath men that they can fall on and be held by and feel loved by. When that net isn't there, life feels scarier and more empty and more lonely and more intense. And a lot of men have never, ever had brotherhood. They've never had the sense of men that care about me, that have my back, that I know I can rely on, that are safe, where I can actually bring my whole self and my vulnerability and the ways that I'm unsure that I'm not competing with. So the point I'm trying to make is this isn't really about you and your partner. This is about you and the supports that you have in your life. So one of the reasons that we run our program the way that we do, our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, is to get you connected to other quality men and mentorship right at the same time. It's a combination. We do it that way on purpose because that is the medicine for patriarchy. Bringing men together to love each other well and to learn how to do that and what that feels like. That's a transmission. That's part of, I believe, our work in the world, our sacred work in the world. And that has a direct impact on your sex life, which I think is missing in a lot of people's consciousness. It doesn't. You wouldn't connect those dots. Right. So you know that episode called do youo Trust Men? Which is often. Many of our clients have survived bullying to incredible degrees. There's a connection between that experience and. And your sex life. And most people wouldn't put those. Wouldn't connect those dots. And that's why I'm kind of being explicit about it. But I'm thinking of one man in particular where, yeah, when he came to us, he felt really needy around sex with his wife. He had a sense. He knew. He felt kind of entitled to it, and he was frustrated with her all the time for not giving it to him. And, yeah, he had a lot of tension in his nervous system. He had a lot of anxiety right. He ran hot. And throughout the course of our work together, it was so interesting. I actually watched his physiology relax more and more and more on each of the calls. And he was one of those guys who had. He had some friends, he had some connections in his life, but the depth of connection in our group and the ways that he was able to drop in and be really honest with the men in our group and vice versa, that was a transmission. And then he was able to carry that out to the men in his life. And not every man can meet you there, by the way, but some of his men could. So he went from having no one he was really telling the truth to about his insecurities or what was going on in his marriage sexually, to having a plethora of support and feeling that support underneath him, with him grounding. So what happened was he said, yeah, I've basically gotten to the point where I initiate with my wife, and if she says, no, I'm okay. I used to be angry and bitter and resentful, and it just.

Jason Lange: Just.

Melanie Curtin: Oh, it was so. And it would create even more tension in my body. And so he got. He was kind of freed from that pattern. And of course, it depends on the day, and if you have more stress and blah, blah, blah. It's not perfect. But one thing I definitely remember was he showed up to one of the calls, and he said, my wife initiated with me. It's the first time in a long time that that's happened. And I felt like, yes, that's the mag. Magic. I was gonna say magnetism, because there is magnetism. That is the magic of that magnetism and of that transformation. And it's. It's not something we would think of. You know, it's not like, oh, I bought. I, you know, bought a new toy, or I. I don't know. It's not directly sexual is my point. But he was feeling more grounded. He was feeling more whole. He was feeling more supported, generally, you know, overall. And that translated directly to his sex life, to their sex life, and they are thriving now. You know, like I said, it's not perfect, but it is a marked difference from the way it was before. And. And, I mean, God, our program is four months long. You know, it doesn't have to take forever. Yes, there are some shifts that need to take a lot of time, and you open at your own pace. But, man, we see serious transformation in a short time, and a lot of that is about the transmission of masculine love, of the love of brotherhood, which can't be, you know, it's one of those experiences that. It's a unique experience, right? It's a unique experience. We've talked about this before, but there is a different experience in your body of having one on one work, doing one on one work, say with a talk therapist versus being part of a group. It's a different transmission and it is medicine. It is balm to the soul. Especially if you have some trauma in your background around boys and men. Right. If you were bullied, whether that was at home or at school, that is a wound. And when that wound is healed, what we see is it makes relating with women a fuck ton easier. Do you want to speak about that briefly?

Jason Lange: Yeah. Just that, you know, too many of us men stack too many things into what we're needing from the feminine. And part of what we're talking about here is liberating, discharging, emotional tension or stress from sex, which means sex gets to be something else that's actually a lot more fun and connecting and creative in a sense. And we have to do that work as men to get connected in different ways and know what's going on inside of ourselves so we can get the help and accountability and structure to make these changes so that again, we can learn to show up in a way that makes our partner inspires her to be close to us, to want to be physical with us. Right. In a sense, it's a very different way. It's not so much about what we're doing, but about, as we often talk about how we're being, what is the state of our nervous system. And that requires practices, structures, community, connection, some self discipline, some self forgiveness. All kinds of stuff gets layered in here for, okay, I know how to handle myself so that I can show up. Okay, I'm a little, I'm a little angry today. Okay, I can go do some work around this. That so I can walk into the house a little more regulated in my nervous system. There's nothing sexier than being intimate with a partner who's regulated. Right, just like they're here. It's playful, it's kind of fun, it's silly, you know, it's passionate versus oh my God. I can feel you have stressed out. She is or he is in in the case we're talking about here. So this is, this is what I kind of call the shit work of life that guys don't like where I'm like this. You're not going to see this advertised on the sexy Polarity Instagram because it's about taking full responsibility for the state of your nervous system. And that's a much harder sell, honestly. It's like, yeah, you got to do all these things. And like. Well, that sounds like a lot of work. Yeah, it's a fucking lot of work to take care of ourselves in this modern day and age. But it allows for something else totally different to come through. Come through. Your, your sex life can be liberated from, you know, being the dumping ground for all that you don't want to feel in your life. And that can completely transform your relationship.

Melanie Curtin: Yes. And I, I, I want to be a strong advocate here for bringing in more support, bringing in more support to your life, to your especially social support, bringing in more support, and especially spaces where you can be really honest as a man and you can actually share what's happening and be met and be held. Bringing in more. It's not just about doing more, I think is what I wanted to really emphasize there is I want you to focus on bringing in, bringing in more mentorship, bringing in more brotherhood rather than, oh, I've got to do. I gotta do my sprints, and I gotta make sure that I, you know, this isn't another to do list. You know, I think what Jason's pointing to is holistic wellness. And what is often missing, in my opinion in holistic wellness is connection, social connection. Yes, you can eat well and you can exercise, but if you don't have social connection, you are not gonna be happy and you're not gonna be healthy. That's the truth. We are social animals. We are meant to be in groups. We are meant to feel belonging. We are meant to feel loved and love and, and that's, that's bigger than just the nuclear family. That's bigger than your family of origin. There needs to be more support in your life. So bringing in more support has a major impact on you, and it's not just another thing you're doing. Okay, wanted to make sure to hit that point. Okay. We're approaching number one. The number one thing that we see that gets in the way of her wanting to have sex with her man, and that is. Drumroll, please. Polarity issues with polarity. If you've been listening for a while, you are already familiar with this concept. If you're not, I'm gonna drop some more episodes in the show notes, and last week I did an episode as sort of summary episodes, so there's a lot more in that one as well. But. Yeah. Tell me, Jason, you know, in your own words, kind of what we mean here in terms of why your Wife doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. With respect to polarity.

Jason Lange: Yeah. Your relationship is flat and there's no erotic tension. And for us to step into that, this is the good kind of tension we were talking about. It means taking the lead. Means stepping into our desire, our power, our direction. Means not collapsing in shame. It means being direct. Right. With these things as well. And not, you know, something I had to work through probably early in our marriage. And Violet and other partners and definitely men. I do is there's the. Well, I'm gonna ask in a way where I can't be rejected. And this. Guys, listen to this one. This is one I've definitely heard from women where it's like I use like a baby voice or a kind of playful. And it's like, fuck, ew. No, like, you know, because the idea is like, well, I don't want to be too serious or too, you know, sexual about it. So, hey, you want to da, da, da. You know, I don't know. Or it's like the grabbing the ass kind of thing where I'm kind of implying I want it, but I'm not really being clear and asking for it. That's all connected here to what we mean by polarity, which is really where we kind of pull all of this stuff together, where we're in the lead, we're creating emotional connection over time. We're attuning to her, we're taking care of ourselves, and we're being direct with our desire in bringing it forward. And because we're taking good care of ourselves, it's not like we need it to turn into anything. Just like, fuck, you look so hot right now. I'd love to. Right? And it's just like, okay, that's just my truth. And then maybe it happens, maybe it doesn't happen. That's often deeply connected here to polarity, as is the way the tension stuff of the type we were just talking about, meaning, oh, I know how to breathe and get present in my body and actually be here with her and not even be thinking about. I have to do it the right way. Instead, I'm just actually here with my partner. I'm in the lead. I'm holding space, I'm directing us. I'm allowing her to relax into herself in a different. In different ways. And it's really us being connected to our power. You know, I would say this is kind of of two of the version of polarity, you know, we started with. Like, she's got to be able to access her Pleasure. And as men, we have to be able to access our power, which in the way you and I talk about it, it's knowing what you want and taking actions to move towards it. That's it, right? That, that's all power. That's a powerful guy. He knows what he wants and he takes step to, steps towards it. Same thing sexually, right. I know what I want, so I take steps to create it in a sense and invite my partner into it. And I know her well, so I'm able to guide her. And I'm not just waiting or hoping or secretly doing the dishes. So maybe she'll give me sex tomorrow. No, that's not what we're talking about here. It's not passive, it's direct, it's active, it's open, it's attuned, it's relaxed. And these are real capacities. You know, we just taught our, our webinar on this that we can cultivate. Any human being can call, can cultivate. But in this particular sense, we're talking about men really being able to show and polarize the relationship. And for long term partners in particular, not just exist in the framework of best friends, roommates and parents, but we have to have a romantic connection that exists independently of that, that we have to put time and energy and presence into. And guess what? If you're just waiting for that to magically happen as a guy, you are not leading. If you're waiting for her to create the emotional connection because you don't know to how, now you're not leading, she's having to lead. Hey, we haven't talked in three days, right? This ties right back into number one. So you go first. Create it. Create the space, create the connection. Invite her into something. Doesn't mean you're dominating and making every decision, but it does mean you're guiding and initiating and setting the stage in a different way. And so polarity is an incredibly important one that it'll just go dead. It's like a battery that'll go dead if you don't know how to recharge it and bring that into your relationship. And it's something you can absolutely learn how to do. And that can completely transform an interaction. It doesn't take forever to do it. You can polarize a moment really quickly and whoa, suddenly there's a spark. I haven't, we haven't felt together in weeks, days, months, years sometimes. Because I know how to create it now with these practices.

Melanie Curtin: Yeah, I would say that one of our, one of our current clients had definitely A polarizing moment this last week. And, yeah, didn't take long. I mean, five minutes or less. And she had a big emotional release, you know, like, that's. And I think that one of the things I really want to emphasize here is that polarity is not just what you say. It's who you are when you say it. And you don't even have to say anything to polarize the moment. I remember we had a client years ago who was single and dating, and it was not going well. I mean, it was not going well. And then he started working with us and learned about these concepts, started applying them, and within, I want to say, eight weeks, it was not very long, he went on. He went to a dating event, and he met a woman. He met a couple women, but he met a woman who he felt like was out of his league. And. But he. He did the things we talk about. He did. He did the things we talk about in the exercise. It was one of those where they split you up and you do little dates and everything. And he breathed, and he held eye contact, and he focused on his central column and included his balls and his breath, meaning that's not. This part of me I tuck away. And I never, you know, connect to. Right? I'm. I'm here. I'm with you. I see you. And she came up at the end and gave him her number. And because he was in the program, he had, you know, more support and structure around this, and he kind of worked through some of the, like, I don't know. She kind of feels like she's out of my league. I don't know what I'm doing here. And we just really encouraged him. Just stay present, kind of keep. Keep going, right? Keep connecting. And they had basically the hottest date of his life at that point. And they've been together for, I think, a couple of years now. And I've heard this before from a number of our men, especially the ones that are single or dating, where they said, I'm. I'm. I'm sure that if I hadn't been in the program, I wouldn't have led in the way that I did, and I wouldn't have polarized her in the way that I did, and she wouldn't have come home with her.

Jason Lange: Me.

Melanie Curtin: So. And. And it's not, like, complicated stuff, right? It's, like, pretty basic, but it makes a huge difference. And I really want to emphasize that. That part about breath and that part about power, it's a. It's. It's an emergent Quality. It's something that emerges from you. It's not something that you have to force. It's not a line that you come up with from your head. It's something that's coming from your body, from your embodied desire. Your embodied desire. And you speaking and moving from that, that is what is sexy. That is what is polarizing to me, is you bringing that. So if you don't have access to it, if you kind of breathe from the chest up and you do, you don't really want to admit that you're. That you have sexual desire because you don't want to make her uncomfortable. You don't want to make her feel unsafe. You don't want to put pressure on her. You know, then you're. Then you're not going to bring it. You're not going to bring that. And it's going to be really hard for you to polarize the moment. So, again, my point is, is it's important to get the right support. It's important to get the right help in this regard because it can be really transformative and lasting versus, oh, I don't know why this one moment worked with my wife and this other moment didn't work. It kind of demystifies it. It brings it more into focus and clarity. And when we're talking about polarity, I would say, well, first of all, we do have the polarity masterclass, which I'll. I'll see if we have that available yet. But one of the biggest polarity killers is passivity. And I, I will never forget this. One of our guys the other day said, I tend to wait for the signal, right? I tend to wait for the signal. And I think that's a really great epitome of kind of like, I'm waiting for her, right? I'm waiting for her to give me the signal that, you know, she's open for conversation or for sex or for whatever it is. That is not. Not polarizing. Polarizing is I'm bringing my power, I'm bringing my desire. I'm bringing. I'm being forthright about my. My wants, my wishes, my intentions, which could be sexually or otherwise. And that's leading, right? And, and leading doesn't mean. And I have to get it, but it is leading. It's being straightforward. I want us to talk about the holidays this weekend. That's leading. It's not kind of waiting or guessing. It's leading. And I, I would say that's one of the primary things that we train men on, is how to lead skillfully which is not dominating, and it's not being passive. It's in the middle. It's leading. And one thing that I've seen repeatedly is that this actually expands into other areas of a man's life. So we had a client once who, yeah, basically showed up because he said, I know my marriage could be bad. It's fine. I think he used that word. It's fine, but it's not very erotically charged. It's not very. You know, they were not on the brink of divorce. This was not a couple in distress. But he just knew there was more. He wanted more. That drive for more is why he showed up with us. And one of the very basic things he did once was he said, yep, I just. I ordered food and I brought it home for dinner. Normally, I would call my wife, say, what do you think? How do you feel about this? And he said, it was pretty liberating. I just made the choice. Choice. And I thought, if she's already made something, we'll have this food tomorrow, or vice versa.

Jason Lange: We'll.

Melanie Curtin: We'll figure it out. But I know she enjoys this food, and so do I. I'm. I'm making a decision. I'm bringing it home, and I'm doing this. And he said it just. It liberated something in him, and it was really fun to watch him. And I would say them as a couple, kind of expand into, like, whoa, there's all this fire. There's all this energy available now that he's bringing more of his. His self, bring more of his power, more of his desire, his essence forward. It's polarizing, right? It's polarizing. And in their case, she was already open to a degree, right? They already. They had a good emotional connection. They had some things going for them already that some couples don't have. But, man, that was fun to watch. And then where I was going with this is that he started to ask for more at work. He got a promotion. I think he actually ended up changing jobs at some point in the future. But he. He took that drive, that experience, that. With him into the workplace, and it transformed things. And he's not the only client we've had like that, where this energy, this embodiment, this power, this walking with this intention, it carries over. It carries over, and it tends to improve life at many levels. You know, I would say we had another client who had a breakthrough with his family around Christmas, around the holidays of leading and setting boundaries that he'd never done before, because it's the same thing. It's not different. It's right. I'm leading with what I want and I'm listening to the answer that comes back. I'm leading with what I want and I'm listening to the answer that comes back. It's not my way or the highway dominating, but it's not passive. It is the middle way. It is leading.

Jason Lange: Yeah. It requires your participation, active engagement, you know, in some sense, instead of waiting for the signal, it's, hey, let's start playing some music. You gotta bring something first and then she can kind of join in if she's ready. That's really the energy here of taking the initiative and not acting out of fear. Right. That's, that's another thing. So it's knowing that, okay, I've done all this work, I know I'm gonna be okay. So I go for what I want because that's better than not going for what I want. Right. And then having to live with the consequences of that. That's the big shift. And that turns out that's a lot easier when you're connected in community and you feel supported and you have direction in your life and all the things we've talked about. So these all feed into each other in some pretty profound ways that, you know, I'm just going to encourage you, if you're a man in a long term partnership, to really take a look and be honest, Give yourself a sober assessment and audit of this. Because the pathway to the change you want comes from you getting honest about, okay, yeah, I see. I do that, I do that, or wow, I need to have a talk with her about that. That's how it begins. That's leadership.

Melanie Curtin: Yes. And maybe there's some support I need to bring into my life to scaffold this shift. I think that's something that we've seen. Something I have seen repeatedly in our clients is especially folks sort of on the older end of the spectrum saying, man, I wish I had done this earlier. I wish I had done this work sooner. I wish I had done this 10 years ago, 20 years ago. That is a very common refrain because. Because a lot of men try to do it themselves and they struggle and it's painful and the folks around them are struggling as well. So I really want to emphasize getting the right support in whether that's us or someone else. I'm not saying do the work with us or you can never do the work. It's not what I'm saying. But don't just try to do it yourself. It's not working. If it had worked by now, it would be working. There's something else is needed, so bring in something else, like a catalyst. Like in chemistry. You need that catalyst for the change. Bring it in. You can make serious shifts in 2026. So we're going to start to wrap. If you are interested in our work, you can go to Evolutionary Men Apply and we will also drop a bunch of stuff in the show notes. If you are interested in learning more about concepts like polarity. We do have a lot of other episodes on that and. And I encourage you to take action. I encourage you to take action in some way. And may that action be around support, receiving the right support. Any last thoughts, Jason?

Jason Lange: It can change. That's the good news, right? When you really get the support you need, look at these things really honestly. You can have a sparkling, amazing, hot, generative sex life with a partner that you want to. To. And you're not stuck, right? Stuck is just the. The fear of everything that might happen that you don't want to feel. So just get. Get resourced, whether it's with us or however you need to, and just start handling it. Da da da da da da da.

Melanie Curtin: Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da. Da da.