I had one of those conversations with Melanie Curtin on her show Dear Men that kept circling back to the same thorny question: why do so many couples lose their spark the moment they move in together? We kept unpacking this thing I see all the time with the guys I work with, this dance between wanting closeness with your partner but also needing your own space to stay attracted to each other.
This conversation hit on a lot of what I work with guys on. We talked about how relationships naturally shift from tons of difference and polarity early on to way more sameness once you move in together. When you're first dating, you're only seeing each other a few times a week, there's mystery, there's longing. But once you're cohabiting, you're around each other constantly, and that sameness can actually kill the sexual charge. You become roommates instead of lovers.
The thing is, space isn't rejection. It's actually how you take care of your partner and yourself at the same time. When I go to my men's group for a couple hours, or when I'm away for a few days, something shifts in my nervous system. My testosterone goes up, I drop back into myself, and when I come home, there's way more presence and polarity between Violet and me. We're actually more connected because we had that time apart.
We also got into why men's groups specifically matter for this. There's something that happens when men are together, away from their partners, doing and challenging each other. It's biochemical, it's evolutionary, and it creates space for you to process stuff so you're not dumping everything on your relationship. Plus, you get to come home more grounded and way more there for your partner.
If you're struggling with this balance in your relationship, or if you want support from other men who get it, check out my work at evolutionarymen.com.
