Here's the paradox that sits at the heart of masculine conditioning: we're taught to be independent and self-reliant, yet so many of us are terrified of actually being alone with ourselves. I got to explore this contradiction with Melanie Curtin on her show Dear Men, talking with Luke Adler about something men don't discuss nearly enough: the fear of being alone.
For me, this fear wasn't theoretical. Saturday mornings used to wreck me. During the week, I'd have work, people around. Weekend nights, there'd be social stuff. But Saturday mornings? I'd wake up and just think, what the fuck do people do right now? Everyone else seemed to have it figured out, and I felt completely isolated. My main coping mechanism back then was porn and some alcohol when I'd go out.
What really struck me as we talked was how this loneliness shows up in so many ways for men. Relationship hopping, staying in toxic situations because leaving feels scarier, becoming the head of household guy with the weight of the world on his shoulders and no one to talk to about it. Or the sophisticated version, the guy who takes pride in needing no one, totally self-sufficient, when really underneath there's a deep fear of rejection.
Luke shared his own journey with loneliness, moving multiple times as a kid, losing friends, using meditation and spirituality to create distance from the pain rather than actually addressing it. We talked about how men's work, specifically the continuity of shadow work groups, creates something different. It's not just dipping into depth occasionally. It's ongoing connection where you can bring anything. Darkness, lightness, disconnection, whatever. And you're never alone in it anymore.
What we've noticed in Heart of Shadow is that guys often come in with symptoms, things they keep doing that they don't want to be doing. But underneath those patterns, there's usually a fear of other men. When other men are taken offline as an option for connection, you don't have many choices left. So there's this hyper push toward intimate relationships or addictions or overworking. The thing men are actually craving, and often don't even know it, is the love and support of other men.
If you're struggling with loneliness or that feeling of being disconnected even when you're around people, reach out. Heart of Shadow runs cohorts where strangers become lifelong brothers in 10 weeks. You can learn more at evolutionarymen.com.
