Here's the tension that sits at the heart of every committed relationship: the very thing we think makes us good partners, constantly putting everyone else's needs before our own, is actually what destroys intimacy and trust. I got to sit down with Melanie Curtin on the Dear Men podcast to explore this paradox that I see wreaking havoc in the lives of the men I work with, where the harder they try to be the "perfect" husband or father through self-sacrifice, the more disconnected and resentful they become.
We dug into the please-and-appease pattern, where men think if they just keep their partner happy by doing everything for them, their own needs will magically get met. Spoiler: they don't. What actually happens is we get burnt out, resentful, and our partners lose trust in us because we're not being honest about what we need.
Melanie and I explored where these patterns come from, everything from cultural conditioning to family systems where we learned young that love was conditional. We talked about the difference between being grounded as a man versus being grounded into something, into community and other men. That distinction matters because it's not just about having a strong sense of self, it's about having a network that can hold you when things get hard.
One thing I really want men to hear: the most important thing you can provide isn't more time doing shit for everyone else. It's your presence. Quality over quantity. Your partner and kids would rather have 15 minutes of your full attention than hours of you half-assing it while checking your phone and thinking about work.
Nobody's going to give you permission to take care of yourself. You have to claim it. And yeah, there's risk there, but the alternative is you keep grinding yourself down until your body forces you to stop through some kind of health crisis.
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Jason Lange: It just hollows us out as men. And some of you guys listening are stuck in. You're like, no, there's nothing I can do about it. There is no time. It's. It's not true. Right? You have to take some bold risks to see how your system adjusts. But nobody. This is the important thing. Nobody will do this for you. Nobody will do it for you. Melanie Curtin: And the more you're in community with other people who honor themselves in that way and who support you in doing that, the more you grow, the more you grow. There is a transmission of being around others that have what you want and that are modeling what you want. There's power in that. It's part of how we learn. We learned in apprenticeships for thousands of years and in community. And yeah, there's, there's something really important about that. Don't try to do it yourself. Lone wolves die. They don't survive. Wolves survive in packs, not alone. So if you are interested in our work, you can go to Evolutionary Men apply. Depending on when I drop this episode. I haven't decided which date I'm going to drop it on. But if you're listening to this before March 31st, Monday, March 31st, Jason and I are hosting a live coaching call. And that will be from 5 to 7 Pacific. And you can register for [email protected] live call. And my last name is spelled without an A, so it's C U R t I n.melaniecurtain.com and if you listen to me, this podcast on Spotify, if you wouldn't mind just dropping a rating and review on that platform, that would be really great. Same for Apple podcasts. But I'd love to just up the number of reviews on Spotify. And if you want to join our Patreon community, you can just go to Dear Men Patreon. Just Google wherever that's happening and we will catch you next time.
