Melanie Curtin and I had one of those conversations where we kept looking at each other going, "Oh, that's exactly it." We were mapping out the top three traits that separate the Nice Guys who stay stuck from the ones who actually start getting what they want in relationships, sex, and life, and these patterns became so clear we could practically draw them on a whiteboard.
The big three we covered: asking for what you want directly, reclaiming your sexual energy, and overcoming freeze. What ties all of this together is how much these patterns are rooted in shame and fear for a lot of men. We've worked with so many guys who literally didn't know they could ask for what they wanted, whether that's in the bedroom, at work, or with family. There's this wild capacity Nice Guys have to just tolerate things, settling in relationships or letting terrible boundaries slide because somewhere along the way we learned other people always come first.
I shared some personal stories, like having to ask Violet to slow down our cross-country move when I wasn't ready, and how that prevented massive resentment down the line. We also talked about the friend zone situation that almost never happens but did, where a guy in our program finally owned his attraction and the woman he'd been platonically connected with completely opened up to dating him. That directness changed everything.
The freeze piece is huge. It's not just about approaching women, though that's part of it. It's about taking action in life again, period. Grabbing the guitar, signing up for the thing, moving your body when you're stuck. What we've seen over and over is that having community, having other men and coaches to process with, is what makes it safe enough to actually move.
If you're a Nice Guy who's tired of tolerating, stuck in your head, or not getting what you want, check out what we're doing at evolutionarymen.com.
