What if the very thing you think makes you weak as a man is actually pointing you toward your greatest strength? I had a great conversation with Melanie Curtin about something I see come up constantly with the men I work with: the difference between neediness and having needs. And honestly, this distinction has been huge in my own life and marriage.
We dug into what neediness actually looks like. There's this dysregulated quality to it, this urgency where I won't be okay unless something outside of me shifts. It often comes with indirect communication, hints and covert contracts instead of clear asks. And what I've noticed working with men is that neediness frequently comes from younger parts of ourselves, these wounded places that never learned how to self-regulate. When I work with guys on this, they can often identify pretty quickly, oh yeah, I feel like I'm 12 years old when this happens.
The shift to expressing actual needs is about taking full responsibility. I have this need, I own it, and I'm going to get it met somehow. My preference might be for my partner to meet it, but if she can't, I'm capable of figuring out another way. That's vulnerable as hell because it means being direct, which gives your partner a clear opportunity to say no. And that might mean the relationship ends if you're not aligned. But that clarity is so much healthier than staying stuck in a gray zone forever.
The big piece here is building a bigger system around yourself. When your entire emotional world depends on one relationship, bringing forward a need feels like life or death. When you've got other men, other support, other ways of taking care of yourself, there's actually less urgency. You can bring needs forward more cleanly because you know you'll be okay either way.
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Jason Lange: To a shocking extent. They can often start to identify pretty fast. Oh, yeah. Actually, I feel it reminds me of this age. Like, I can feel that, and that part of me comes forward in these situations. And so there's. Yeah, there can be, like, a youngness associated, I think, with neediness, even if it's not conscious. That really ties together a lot of those pillars in. In a sen.
Jason Lange: You know, might be stuff around. I mean, it would be more of a feeling of, I don't trust you. Like, you know, it would just be. That would be coming out. So it'd be a lot of. Can come out as a lot of nitpicking and questioning decisions and pushing back. In a sense would be an indirect way that, like, oh, I don't trust you. Yeah, your power. They don't feel you're in your power right now. So I'm gonna micromanage.
Melanie Curtin: Yeah.
Jason Lange: A lot of things because I can't, you know, and it's not a bad solution to that problem. It's like, well, if you're not going to take the, you know, the reins, I have to take the reins. But yeah, I mean, there 10, you know, it does tend to be like. Yeah, there's just kind of this, like, you know, it is a lot of, like, you. Energy is what I've seen, you know, show up with this stuff on. On both sides. That is hard to work with, frankly.
Jason Lange: Sam.
