Here's the tension every man in relationship faces: you want to be there for your partner when she's upset, but the more you try to help, the more you both spiral. I had a great conversation with Melanie Curtin about this exact paradox, how our instinct to fix or absorb our partner's dysregulation actually makes everything worse. For me, this was huge to learn because my default was to either try to fix it immediately or just get completely swept up in her nervous system. If she wasn't okay, I wasn't okay. And that doesn't help anyone.
We talked about what dysregulation actually looks like, both for men and in relationship. Sometimes it's that manic, wound-up energy where you can't slow down. Sometimes it's complete shutdown where you're offline and frozen. For a lot of us, we learned early on that we're responsible for making everyone around us feel better, which creates this pattern where we collapse into our partner's emotional state instead of being able to witness and validate what they're experiencing.
The real work is learning to be separate enough that you don't get swallowed by their dysregulation, but still connected and attuned enough to be present with them. I think of it like bamboo, sturdy but flexible. The energy moves through you, but you're not moved off your center. Your partner needs to feel that you're impacted, that you're hearing them, but that you're not collapsing or running away.
Building this capacity has taken me years of therapy, men's work, somatic practices, all of it. Things like breathwork, ice baths, physical practices that intentionally stress your nervous system so you can learn to stay present. And a huge part of it has been working with Violet to build better systems together, to debrief after fights, to understand our patterns and catch things earlier.
If you're working on this stuff and want support, check out what we're doing at Evolutionary Men. Men's groups, coaching, retreats. This work is so much more fun and effective when you're doing it with other guys who get it.
