What happens when the very emotion we're most afraid to reveal is the exact thing creating the isolation we're desperately trying to avoid? I just got off a call with Melanie Curtin exploring this question through the lens of shame, one of those emotions that sits right at the core of so much of what men struggle with. Luke and I both got pretty raw about our own experiences with this stuff, which is what this work demands.
What struck me most was how shame operates as this paradox. In avoiding it, trying to keep it hidden because we're terrified it'll lead to isolation, we actually create the very disconnection we're afraid of. I shared about a river trip with Luke years back where I was so scared of being asked to do something I didn't know how to do that I started withdrawing from the group. Turns out, I was keeping myself separate because I was afraid they'd make me feel separate. The moment I brought that forward, said "hey, I feel like a 10 year old boy who's terrified you're going to ask me to tie a knot," everything shifted. The guys didn't care. Something in my nervous system got to relax.
Luke went deep on how shame shows up around competency, especially when we're in unfamiliar territory or feel exposed. For men, there's often this hair trigger around "am I enough?" And shame loves to collapse us inward, makes us small, cuts off our agency. We talked about sexual shame too, which is probably the most loaded territory for men. There's nowhere safe to talk about sex without judgment, and we're seeing a whole generation of younger guys paralyzed by fear of being perceived as predatory.
The healing move with shame is almost always the same. In a trusted container, when you bring forward the very thing you think would create the most disconnection and you're still held, still received, the whole system reorganizes. That's what we create space for in Heart of Shadow and in the men's work Luke and I do. If you're carrying shame that's keeping you isolated, reach out. evolutionarymen.com.
