I just got back from an incredible conversation with Melanie Curtin on the Dear Men podcast, and we went deep on something I think gets misunderstood constantly: what it actually means to open a woman.
Look, this isn't about seduction techniques or manipulation. What we're talking about is creating the conditions where another person feels safe enough to just be. To drop the performance, the armor, the story about how they think they should show up. And honestly, this is one of the greatest gifts we can bring to another human being.
I shared some pretty raw stuff from my own marriage with Violet. Early on, I'd get triggered when she'd express disappointment or hurt, and instead of actually being with her, I'd lawyer up. I'd explain why she was wrong to feel that way, why my intentions were good, all this defensive shit. And you know what that did? Closed her right down. Because I wasn't acknowledging what was actually happening for her in the moment.
What I've learned through years of men's work, shadow work, and honestly some messy fights with my wife is that so much of this comes down to undigested shame. When I couldn't sit with her disappointment, it wasn't really about her. It was touching this old wound in me that said I'm fundamentally unlovable. So I'd do anything to get out of feeling that, including trying to control her emotions.
The real shift happened when I learned to have my emotions instead of being had by them. When I could bring forward vulnerability intentionally, not collapsed in it, but with awareness. Hey, here's something I feel ashamed of. Here's where I'm struggling. And paradoxically, that opens her every time.
This stuff takes practice. It's not glamorous. It's snotty and tearful and requires you to stay present when every fiber wants to run. But it works. And the deeper trust you build over time, knowing you can move through hard things together, that's the real prize.
If you want to learn more about this kind of work, bringing presence and depth to your relationships, check out what we're doing at evolutionarymen.com.
