There's a moment in every man's life where he stares at the ceiling at 2 AM, feeling the space between him and his partner like an ocean, wondering if staying for the kids is noble sacrifice or slow suffocation. I got to explore this agonizing territory on Melanie Curtin's show, diving into one of the most painful decisions men face: whether to remain in a relationship when the intimacy has died but the children remain.
A lot of guys I work with have really tried to make it work. They've been to therapy, done the workshops, shown up consistently. But the connection just isn't there anymore. And there's this belief that staying together, no matter what, is always best for the kids. That stability matters most.
But here's what I've seen over and over: kids absorb everything. They're incredibly perceptive. They pick up on the disconnection, the lack of passion, the energetic flatness between their parents. And that becomes their template for what relationship looks like. I never saw my parents in love, never witnessed flirting or affection or that spark between them. And that cost me. I spent years terrified of dating because I'd never been in the presence of that energy.
What really matters to kids isn't just physical stability. It's being around thriving adults. When you split up and find your vitality again, when they get to see you actually present and alive, that teaches them something profound. I've worked with men whose kids started asking to spend more time with them after they left, because suddenly they're experiencing a part of their dad they never knew existed.
There's a cost either way, right? But the cost of modeling disconnection and resignation, of teaching your kids that relationships are just something you endure? That's huge. Sometimes the most loving thing is to show them that it's okay to move towards what needs to happen, even when it's hard.
If you're wrestling with this, get some support. Don't make this decision alone. That's part of what we do in our men's groups, holding space for guys navigating these massive life transitions. Check out my work at evolutionarymen.com if you want to talk.
